I have no more excuses...

To stay away from here anymore. So first up: I gave up on the letter challenge. Surpriseee. The letters are kind of third degree and yeah. I'm a total loser.

Nexttt. So this is a warning for the coming post. I apologise if it's gonna be what you get when you're feeling down or whatever but I've been reading too much of Evan's blog lately so maybe that can explain this post. It's not dark or whatever but still I felt like I had to warn you. Here goes.

I think I'm confusing myself. One moment I think, hey, it's okay to _________ even though that happened last time. And what happened was good and it should have happened. But then an hour or so later I will start thinking, oh no, I can't do that, it's wayyy too embarrassing. So I don't know what's up with me. Did you understand that? Because I didn't lol.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I had responded differently or been more daring or less daring would things turn out differently. Or maybe if I had made an effort. Would it make a difference? Or would things just be the same?

"Losing something is easy when you have nothing." I stole that off Ev's blog. (Btw I just made my wish. 11:11.) On the contrary, I would think it's harder. Although in theory, how can you lose something when you have nothing at all? That's only proving that you once thought that you had that something, only to discover that it's not yours at all. Same with if you feel betrayed, then that only proves that there was trust in the first place. All these things just make us as about transparent as glass.

So this Sunday I'm going to Sentosa with my cell. I'm hoping it'll be fun, and I'm not saying this cynically, but it probably won't. Call me pessimist if you must. And my 11:11 wish was somehow related to that.

I wish I had something that could help me see into the future, like for example if I make a choice, I get to see what that choice will result in, or if I say something, how the other person would react. Or maybe something that can tell me how things could have turned out if I did this or if I did that, etc. But I know that's entirely impossible so I'd better stop thinking about it.

I promise I won't be like this the next time I come back.

♥hazel