맙소사

I'm blogging more and more often these days but I guess that's what a blog is for right? haha. I'm currently sitting in my hall's study room typing this after the end of a really long week. 

So just an update, I'm okay with not getting into JCRC, and even though I may feel a bit lost as to what I should join next, I kinda came to a conclusion that my life doesn't just revolve around joining committees and going for interviews, there are so many other things involved as well but for that moment, I kind of let this whole "joining things" stress me out. As for now I have a clearer idea of what I want to do, but I'm just going to see how things go and not stress myself out unnecessarily, as I often tend to. 

On Tuesday we had a OG steamboat, and after lessons I went to JP to help get food for it. It was pretty relaxing in a way because I got to get out of school after the previous night's disappointment/ whatever it is (I don't even know how to label it anymore). The steamboat itself was okay I guess, maybe it went better than I'm describing it now since I'm pretty tired and down right now. I haven't been able to sleep well all week, either because of my cough (which is getting better, thankfully) or because it's just way too hot in my room even with a single fan blowing at me. 

On Wednesday, double lecture day was awful and I have no idea how I got through it, since I was practically sneezing and coughing throughout them both. But after that was my current happy pill: volleyball training. It went quite well, somehow I got better at it and my arms no longer bruise. I still need to improve on my serving a little since most of the time it only just clears the net and I still have almost no idea how to set. But I had some lucky hits during a practice game and helped my team win which was really a huge self esteem booster for me haha. We could have played a little longer but unfortunately the lights for the outdoor court went out and we couldn't see any further to continue playing :( 

Hmmmm then Thursday nothing much happened, but one of my friends noticed how busy I was in school and she asked if I had time for myself, to which I replied no. She told me how unhealthy that was and I agree and acknowledge it. It's just really hard to see time to myself as a necessary thing when there are so many other things going on around me that require my participation, and I end up neglecting that need until I'm in the middle of some social gathering and realising that I'm really tired (be it physically, emotionally or whatever). I seriously need to schedule my time better.

But yep, so thankful that today is Friday. I'm heading to JEM to shop for some clothes before heading home. This weekend I'll have to rush two assignments, and I really hope I can keep focused on them and not procrastinate. On top of that I still have readings to complete before next week as well, and there are main comm interviews next week too sigh. 

I really tried to reach out to you in a way that you could respond to, but it just seems like you're a different person online and off? I really don't know what to make of it, some people tell me to interact with you more in real life but that's really difficult because 1) we rarely get to see each other and 2) even so we won't be alone. I'm finding it really hard to keep friends with the opposite sex because there's just nothing in common for us to keep talking about? I'm so tired and I wish things would just work out. 

anyway... looking forward to getting a good night's sleep this weekend. I'll keep you updated!

❤️always,

hazel

far far away

short one for now and it's gonna be quite incoherent cause i'm currently typing this in the dark and I'm kind of messed up. 

So the results are out and I lost by a little... and to be really honest I'm not as disappointed as I am lost. I was just so fixed on this being the way that I hadn't really thought of alternative pathways or options and now I'm left in this mess of not knowing what to do or where to go. It's really easy to just resent God right now and blame Him for not letting me get what I want, but I'll resist it. There are so many other things to look forward to and I'm not going to let this one little thing spoil it.

But the problem is that I can't exactly show my real emotions to those around me right now, because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. But at the same time, I want to be comforted in a way that an only be accomplished if I let them know that I'm kinda bummed out (???) Wait actually cancel all that.

Right now I just want to be comforted and held. It's not because I feel really sad or disappointed, but I guess more of a 'I don't want to be alone' and I want someone I can trust, who won't misinterpret my feelings to be with me right now. And I thought you were the one, and when the results came out I kinda just envisioned you enveloping me into your arms and everything felt better. But when I got back to the room, you didn't have any fucks to give and that fact alone was disappointing. I know maybe you're not the best at expressing emotion or comforting people but maybe just a word? And it was too much of me to expect a hug too, but it would have been nice. 

Once again expectations have fucked me up again, but not in the way that I expected. But then again maybe I'm just transferring all my emotions from one thing to another, like a form of escapism, but I can't be entirely sure.

Ugh now i already feel stupid reading that paragraph because obviously you WONT comfort me, who are you to me to do that? it would be so out of character, so strange, so weird, so unexpected, so impossible, so not you. even my closer friends didn't do that, so who are you to do that? that could only happen in a fairytale and i don't live in one.

but i wish you would.

please let the rest of september be okay. it kind of started off badly but i really want it to go well. But I'm not in control, He is. and I have to trust that He has a place for me somewhere here. I just haven't found it yet.

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

❤️always,
hazel

jetlag

I'm late for this week's post, but it's just gonna be a short one since I have to be back at hall soonish. And I'm still trying to finish my critical writing assignment haha.

Really thankful that I got through the past week, it was madness and it all started on Monday just before volleyball training where I realised I forgot to bring my contact lenses to hall. That resulted in me panicking and calling up friends and family for help, but none of them could offer me any solutions, until I finally managed to borrow a pair of lenses from a friend, luckily. There's not much to say other than I really felt alone in that moment, rushing around trying to solve the problem by myself, but I suppose everyone feels like that at one point or another in their lives. After training I rushed off to the JCRC room to help cut voting slips for about two hours before I left and rushed home just for those lenses. I didn't manage to have dinner till 11pm that day, and I was already starting to fall sick :(

I had to wake up early to go back to NTU (on my own :() the next day so that kind of made things even worse. My sore throat kind of worsened and the long journey didn't help, nor did the seclusive and impossible to find MacDonald's at JP (a kind of reward for myself for having such a shitty start to the week.) Lessons were alright, but there was the JCRC walkabout that night which really wore me out, we started at about 8pm and ended around 11pm that night, and for some insane reason I stayed up to talk to a few of my hall friends till about 3am, which made me even sicker and caused me to miss my first lecture the next day. Talk about priorities.

We had the second round of JCRC walkabout that night which thankfully ended a little earlier than the previous nights, and this time I went straight to sleep since I was so worn out haha. I didn't even have time to work on my speech that was due the next day for my rally. On Thursday it was pretty much a blur of trying to concentrate in class and not worrying about my rally later, and also trying to come up with my speech during lectures hahaha. The rally itself went okay, I can't really remember the specifics of what happened because I was that nervous, but I'm just so thankful that it's over and that I survived it haha. I don't want to jinx the outcome so I won't say more about it :)

After that night a weight was lifted off my shoulders since I knew that there wasn't anything I could do about it any longer and all that was left was to wait (i.e. till today). Friday was tutorial day and since I didn't have time to do my readings that week, it was safe to say that I was pretty lost, and I plan to catch up whenever I can haha hopefully. I've already finished my readings for the coming week, and all that I have left for today is my crit writing assignment. Which for some reason, I'm finding really hard to finish  (be it due to my pounding headache, runny nose or sore throat or just plain writer's block)

The coming week has the potential to be really busy or relatively free, depending on whether I get elected in. All I know is that I'm just looking forward to our Disney steamboat on Tuesday night, and  volleyball training on Wednesday. But to get to that... I'll have to get through tonight first. I can't stand this constant feeling of being jet lagged and having so many things to catch up on, and I hope things get better soon. I just wish time could stop for me to get everything done. Up till now I don't really know what I want the results to be, but I am comforted by the thought that it is out of my hands, and into His :)

I'll keep you updated.

❤️always,
hazel

let's not fall in love

I'm finally back from another long week and with a little while to rest before it's back to hall again tonight :(

Quite a few things happened this week. Lessons were alright, I'm trying my best to keep up with my readings. Tutorials are held quite differently than from JC, it feels like we are focusing a lot on basic content rather than analysing methods, techniques and links, the way I'm used to. I hope we'll settle into a more familiar way soon. Badminton trials was quite a disappointment, I know I'm not competitive material but I feel like I didn't play to the best of my ability, be it from nerves or something else. I got into the recreational team, but now I'm not so sure I want to be in it since I felt so shitty after the first trials. 

On a brighter note, I had my first volleyball training on Friday, and it was really good! I last played volleyball back in secondary school, but somehow I still remember the technique and I really enjoyed it, despite the bruises on my arms after. I really hope I can join the competitive team for volleyball and maybe play for inter hall games? The next training I have is tomorrow, and I hope it'll be as good as the first :)

On Wednesday night we had supper hop, and it was really quite a huge deal. We even had buses chartered for us. Our first stop was East Coast Park, and since NTU is in the West, we took about an hour plus to reach there. I think we ate a little too much there haha but the food was too good to resist. After that we headed to Upper Thompson for Salted Caramel, Udders, and soybean and beancurd :)  I guess it wasn't much of a supper hop since it was only 2 stops but we were really full (at least I was) and ready to call it a night. 

And on Friday night we had JASH! We started off the night by pre drinking in some activity room and played games such as I Never and Burning Bridges etc. We were kind of hesitant to go to JASH since we heard that there were very few people at the event, and some of us thought it was kind of lame for it to be held at Nanyang Audi. But we ended up heading over at around 12, and by that time it was already quite filled up with people. The DJ kind of sucked though, and I didn't really know most of the songs that they were playing.

Now on to the messed up parts of the night. My SP(really long story about him, but I'll just say that he's a really greasy person) tried to force me to take shots of hard liquor by saying he would vote for me to be in JCRC if I drank. To which I responded, "I don't need your vote then." But he just said that he represented his whole OG (and that's kind of true since he's the future CGL and holds quite a big influence over them). At that point I was ready to give in and drink, but only because of his vote but luckily my friends who were with me stopped me and led me away. I'm so thankful for them because I have no idea what I would have done without them, I would have probably accepted the drink and who knows what would have happened from there... :'(

I tried not to let my night get ruined by him but it was kind of hard, since whenever I was on the dance floor I kept looking around to make sure he wouldn't suddenly pop up. Even now as I'm recalling this and typing it, I'm so utterly disgusted and for some reason, I feel so weak and useless, because I remember that at one point in time I almost accepted the drink. I was so helpless and at his mercy and I just lost control of the situation. Up to now I still don't know what I could have said or done in response to his "threat", whether he was serious or joking, and whether I can win without him. I was already stressing enough about running for JCRC, but he just made everything worse. 

I'm so thankful for my hall OG, since after that happened they kind of made a protective circle around me, and even though I could see him lingering nearby, I knew he didn't dare to approach me anymore since I was surrounded. At that moment I felt really safe and I knew I had people who had my back :) At this point one of my GLs whom I had a slight interest in before this started getting kind of close to me, and it may seem contradictory, but I didn't really mind. He kept trying to push me to other guys and I guess he was teasing me in a way, and kept using that excuse to grab my hands or slip his arm around my waist. At one point when I left for the washroom and came back, he was waiting outside and took my hand to lead me back to the dance floor. I don't really know if he's really interested in me or was just playful and in the moment, but I guess I won't get my hopes up.

Some of my friends say that his attention is bad attention too, but what if I don't mind it? Is it still bad?

Oh and yesterday night I attended the HSS DND 2015! It was really nice to see everyone all dressed to the nines and to gather with GAIA again :) The food wasn't all that great, although the company made up for it. I wasn't really that chatty yesterday since I was still tired from JASH the previous night, but overall it was a good night :))

This coming week is equally as busy, volleyball training tomorrow, JCRC walkabout on Tuesday and Wednesday, rally on Thursday and finally Friday to rest (if nothing comes up). This post is such a mess cause I'm really tired but I just wanted to get everything written down so I wouldn't forget about it.

I'll keep you updated :)

❤️always,

hazel

zutter

I'm so sorry I haven't been updating! Uni has officially started and it's honestly so hectic I can barely find time for myself.

Hall has been amazing so far, I really love my OG but I've been finding it really hard to concentrate on my studies. I know it's just week 1 but I feel like I really need to do a ground check (?) to remind myself of where my priorities lie, because it's impossible to think when I'm in hall (idk if that makes sense). So I'm currently back home writing this and attempting to straighten everything out. 

Some really weird things happened in the last few days and to sum it up, more and more people have been telling me about my one major flaw and although I've kind of known about it all along, I can't help but feel that it's been magnified somehow, and also a little disappointed in myself that I let others see through me so easily. Now that I know about them talking about that flaw, it makes me want to back off and distance myself because I feel like they know too much of me. I'm just gonna be really honest here: My biggest flaw is that I doubt myself too much and I lack confidence.

Despite that, I want to run for JCRC, but there are always lingering thoughts in my head like 'Can I really do this?' 'Will people even vote for me?' 'Do I even stand out enough to appeal to people for their votes?' I think maybe I know where this mentality came from, it came from when I tried so hard in J1 to be part of the exco for my cca but didn't get in, when I "failed" my OCIP interview (I actually didn't but it's a long story), when I didn't make it as an OGL, and the things some people said to/called me. I can trace back the roots of all my flaws to events that occurred in JC, and they're still haunting me to this day and I can't get rid of it. The sucky thing about it is that my past is influencing my future, and I know that shouldn't be the case but I can't help it, I will always think back to those events and the thought of backing off or giving up will always look like the better option. 

So here goes with my priorities. First off will always be studies, which means I really have to do my readings before lectures, prepare for tutorials and pay attention during class. Even if this means I have to miss out on some outings or gatherings, it will all be worth it. Secondly will be my close friends in hall, if they really need anything I'll be there for them no matter what. Lately I've been giving really shitty replies to one of my friends who isn't in NTU and I feel really bad about it. I've been telling her a lot about me and I feel really bad too, but I promise I'll do better :( Thirdly I guess it'll be my commitments such as sports (I hope I get in) and also JCRC if I do get elected. It's been such a long time since I held a key leadership role that I'm not sure I can do it... But I really want to go for it. 

Next week is hella busy. I'm thinking of running some errands on Monday since I don't have class, then on Tuesday there's lessons plus JCRC Q&A after. Wednesday I have double lecture plus badminton trials which I really want to ace. Thursday there's nothing much, then Friday there's 3 tutorials plus JASH after, and on Saturday there's DnD. And I really have a lot of readings to do... I need to step my game up. Exciting but busy week ahead, I just hope I can keep everything under control and stick to my priorities. 

I'll update you soon :) 

❤️always,

hazel

1AM

missing someone/ something is so hard.

I miss last night already. Even though I was really far away from the stage, I still felt the boys' stage presence and it was enough. I seriously just danced my heart out last night without regard of anyone judging me, and if you know me that's pretty hard for me to achieve. I just miss that feeling of being so carefree and caught up in the moment.

Last night, my life and Big Bang's met at a single event, if that made any sense. After last night, we each went back to doing our own thing and going about our own lives, and maybe it's part of the post concert blues but to feel so distant from them after they were just a few hundred metres away from me is really something that hits hard. I think many of you who've gone to concerts have experienced this before, albeit to a lesser degree. It's like two lines converging towards each other and meeting at a point, but then continuing away from each other, never to meet again. I'm thankful that we shared a common event, but at the same time sad because I want them in my life. 

TOP posted about post concert blues/ loneliness too, and it's comforting in a way to know that celebrities do experience something similar.  I've never thought about it before, but after both TOP and GD shared about their feelings of loneliness and emptiness after a concert, it's kind of reassuring to know that they feel this way too and that I'm not alone. After seeing pictures of GD and Seungri entertaining various groups of people despite looking really tired after their first concert in SG, I feel really sorry for them, since it's not something they can turn down. It's basically a business natured meeting cloaked in a social setting. 

But anyway. Yesterday was really amazing. I'll admit that leading up to the concert I was distracted by everything that was going on around me, mainly uni stuff. So I wasn't really able to concentrate on being excited for it, but as we were waiting to see the boys go into the stadium/ enter the venue itself, I just forgot about all of those things and focused on seeing them live. I saw all of them enter the stadium, but it was pretty rushed, we only caught a 2 second glimpse of them, and they didn't even wave or smile at us, which was quite a disappointment. 

After we saw them enter, it was around 3.30pm, so we headed to the nearby Cheers to get drinks since we weren't allowed to bring in our own. We hung out and chatted and people watched for a while till around 4.15pm, before we decided to head to our east entrance to see if there was a queue. Luckily we did, as there was already a long line of people waiting to enter the venue when the doors only opened at 5pm. The security was really strict about not having cameras or tablets with us, even conducting a bag check before we were allowed in. I hid my camera and my friend's iPad in the back compartment of my kanken, and we both got a heart attack when the old man in charge of checking my bag felt around the back of my bag. We both thought we were going to get caught when he paused for a while after feeling around, but in the end he just let us proceed. 

We were still relatively early when we found our seats, so we just chilled for a while and took some selfies while enjoying the music they played beforehand. I also saw a pretty cool commercial (???) of Taeyang and CL which I've never seen before, but I don't really know what it's for since it didn't really feature a single product enough for it to be a commercial. At first we thought that the stadium was pretty empty, but little by little it began filling up, I really pitied the mosh pit people. Having been in one myself, I would say that it's fun but also really tiring and sweaty at the same time. We had to wait for quite a while before the boys finally came out, but when it was time, whole atmosphere just intensified, and I'll never forget that feeling of anticipation and elation at finally seeing them come out. 

It was really intense from the start, and I won't go into detail of every song cause that would be really boring hahaha. But seeing the entire sea of yellow blinking lights, I felt really privileged to be there, and I felt like I actually belonged to some sort of family, even though I was quite new to Big Bang. Seeing everyone there united for a common purpose really made me feel at ease and maybe that's part of the reason why I was able to just let go and enjoy myself. 

The song I enjoyed the most was probably Good Boy, and also Crooked! To me those were the songs that I danced to the most, and the feeling of just dancing for the sake of it and not caring about others judging you is the best feeling ever :) I'm trying to pick up dance now, but it's gonna be a long time before I ever get to experience that haha. The boys were all doing their best for us, which I really appreciate since they had to be tired. Seungri's voice was really almost gone, but he still continued shouting and entertaining us because he wanted us to enjoy ourselves. I'm really thankful to them for making me forget about everything even just for a few hours, for making me able to dance and scream and jump without fear of being judged. 

The concert ended really quickly, and I left with my friend to the loading bay in hopes of catching them on their way out. We waited for almost an hour before giving up, and luckily too, since we learned later that TOP, Taeyang and Daesung only left 2 hours after the concert ended, whereas GD and Seungri had left via another entrance. We cabbed to nex and had a later supper before heading home. 

I don't think I'm done with feeling empty yet. It's just that reality has come rushing in, especially since I got the result of my hall application in NTU today. I didn't get what I wanted at all, and it's freaking me out since once again, I'm not in control. I'm trying not to overthink but it's so difficult when there are so many things at risk. I miss when things were so simple like back in JC. It may not have been an easy time, but compared to now, I definitely had less things to worry about. It's just really hard to believe that God has arranged things in this manner for a reason, and it's easier to believe that things would be easier if I had my way and things went according to my plan instead of His. But I guess that's faith right? I'm not really there yet. 

I just signed up for hall camp today. The activities seem similar to what we did in HSS FOC, and I'm hoping I can get in and my OG will be good haha. It's probably a bad idea to get my hopes up again, but if you see this, please keep your fingers crossed for me? It's new territory for me, and this time I don't think I have room for mistakes anymore. 

There's so little time before school starts. I basically only have this week left and even so, there's a lot of things that need to be settled and I'm tired just thinking about it. I just want to go back to last night, where I had no worries and expectations. 

miss you :'(

❤️always,

hazel

sober

it's hard for me to be sober

Camp is over!!! What an experience it was, filled with up and downs. 

I guess I'm feeling quite empty right now, but it's normal I guess? After all of the emotional highs of the past few days, I finally got a chance to breathe and reflect, and everything comes crashing down. I'm starting to ask myself what I got out of this camp and I don't really have an answer to that. Maybe I'm being too critical but it doesn't seem like I'm very close to any of my group mates, not in the one on one HTHT kind of thing, but it might be too early to tell. I really expected a lot out of my Special Partner too (more about that in detail later) but I already know that it's not going anywhere and I actually really needed it. And I can't help but be envious of others. It's honestly so so so hard to wait. 

Another thing about camp is that I'm the kind of person who needs time alone to recharge every day, but I didn't really get that time in camp. Without that time to recharge, my self esteem just takes a plunge and I start imagining that everyone really hates me and the things that I say are really unentertaining and all that shit ugh. More on that later too.

Y'all know that I had really high expectations of camp, but most of them didn't really get fulfilled. Maybe it was because of sheer luck (or unluckiness) or maybe it was because of me. But I'm gonna try and recount the whole entire experience as best as I can, and you be the judge.

Day 0

We met at Pioneer at 11AM, and I actually miscalculated my ETA and I arrived an hour early and had to walk around to kill time. But when I met up with the others it was expectedly awkward, and all I wanted to do was run away. The girls were nice though, and we started off by talking about really basic things like name, course, previous school etc. We had to wait a little before boarding the bus to NTU. When we got there, we basically played a few ice breaker games before having the camp chairperson/ people (??) introduce themselves to us. We then proceeded to paint our flag, and in case I haven't told you yet, I'm in GAIA!! Yep I didn't really contribute much bc my art and craft skills are horrendous. We were released after learning a few cheers, and I guess the most memorable event of the day was when the fake freshies revealed themselves. One of them actually pretended to flare up over a small forfeit and threaten to fight our GLIC, and another blended in so well haha.

Day 1

We actually divided up according to where we lived the previous day so we could meet up and travel to NTU together. I was supposed to meet the group who lived along the purple line initially, but I ran into another group situated along the Circle Line, so I ended up going with them. The start of camp was really boring as we had to listen to speeches made by our camp sponsors, but I guess it's gonna be quite common from now onwards. We broke for lunch after which was still pretty awkward, but I really tried my best to engage in conversation with my group mates. I was sat with two seniors and another girl from my course, but after talking to that girl, I could tell our personalities didn't really click, but we were both trying hard to talk to each other, which I appreciate. The mini group which I sat with slowly started discovering common topics to talk about which really quelled the awkwardness a lot.

Post lunch came station games located around the campus. I guess the main purpose of this was to help us to get to know the school better and minimise our chances of getting lost once school starts, but honestly I don't think it helped one bit haha. We had various games such as pass the parcel, pass the food item with a designated body part etc. Overall I guess I didn't really enjoy it that much because it all seemed like really common games to be playing, but maybe my expectations have been heightened too much bc of Running Man 😂 Station games took up almost the whole afternoon, and after dinner we were told to change into our disposables in preparation for night activities. 

A bus was chartered for us to get to Pasir Ris, and we stayed around Aloha Loyang in one of the chalets there. For the night activities, we were blindfolded and made to walk in an open field while things like eggs, flour, sweet drinks, honey etc were thrown at us. But the highlight of the night had to be when we were forced to crawl through our leftover dinner which consisted of chicken rice. Thankfully I was pulled out of that since my monthly best friend was currently visiting, but the smell of it was no joke at all. After it ended, the seniors helped us to clean up a little by splashing buckets of water over us, but it was so cold that we all had to huddle together, which was really an experience. We all bonded over our apprehension of not being able to see anything and shivering like mad while waiting for the entire thing to end.

We washed up and split into guys and girls for a night of HTHT, in which we mainly discussed our past/current relationships, played shoot shag marry etc. It was kinda hilarious bc the girls weren't even half done when the guys finished. We talked till around 4AM, with supper and all from the seniors. It was great to get to know the girls a little more, prompting the start of some hopefully long lasting friendships.

Day 2

We started off with field games nearby for our morning activity. The games on the second day were a lot more fun, we had games where we had to thread raffia string through all of our shirts and pass things such as a whole raw chicken, raw octopus etc through everyone's shirts. There was also a game where we had to memorise the ingredients of a range of burgers and form a dog pile in the order of those ingredients. Oh and I found my eye candy on that day! He's insanely muscled and has a really bad boy face (tamed down a lot by his glasses) and just gives off a player vibe entirely. (i'll elaborate more on him later) We had to play wet captain's ball against his OG but they totally trashed us, which is okay since we're supposed to be sister OGs. His OG was just filled with hot guys ugh I'm so jealous of the girls there :( And honestly I feel that I'm better looking than all the girls in that OG (coming from someone with such low self esteem, that's saying something)

After heading back to our chalets to change into swim wear for pool day, we went to Pasir Ris pool and had lunch there. That's when my EC sat next to me (well okay we were separated by the aisle) but I was starstruck and couldn't really say anything. But it's alright I had plenty of time to admire his side profile ;) I didn't really participate in the games bc my red sea was still raging, but it didn't seem like I missed out much anyway, since the proggies were all pretty confused themselves and the games only required a few to participate at any one time. But it was so hot omg it would have been so nice to just go into the water even if I didn't get to play. I had time to bond with two of my Senior Attached and we shared our ECs and fangirled over them, and I think that was the most enjoyable part of my day haha. At the end we had a mass game where we were paired up with our sister OGs and we had to transport as many people as possible from one end of the pool to the other using inflatable floats. My EC was one of the lead swimmers and ugh he is so strong omg. While he was resting he happened to stop right in front of where I was standing cheering for our OGs and those freaking back muscles ughhhhhh WHY. He's just so wow and I'm just so meh.

Anyway after pool games wrapped we took public transport back to our chalet and ordered pizza for dinner. It was a pretty rushed dinner as some of the seniors came back and our OGLs had to entertain them, and there was also the night activity to prepare for. We had something called a Special Partner (SPs) assigned to each of us, completely by random, although those assigning would try their best to match heights and relationship statuses (here called traffic light colour). The girls would then be blindfolded and staying in their respective chalets, while the guys would be blindfolded as well and sent out to different chalets to find their SPs. We were told not to divulge our real names and OGs, and we were even given code names; mine was Victoria and my partner's was Beckham. So I guess from those codenames I was already expecting a pretty good looking partner. My senior even told me that my partner's physique was really good and he was the best catch out of all of them so my expectations were raised even higher... if that was even possible. 

We had to wait pretty long before our partners arrived, and when they finally did, we were made to hold hands. We talked about the basics such as previous schools, hobbies, etc. My partner was made to sing to me and I was quite impressed with his voice, although I was a little puzzled at his small hands. We were made to play the pocky game a few times and our lips brushed once or twice, and honestly I got really high off of it, since in my mind he was this insanely hot guy. Things ended quite soon and I was a little sad for him to leave.

After that we had our HTHTs with girls and guys respectively, and we all shared about our SPs. There's nothing much to say I guess hahaha just that I was really expecting my partner to turn out exactly as I wanted. 

Day 3

Day 3 was beach day! We started out with a chartered bus to Sentosa and when we got there, we had some impromptu cheer battle, and a short briefing on safety before starting out with dry games. First up was a game where we had to lie down in the sand and pass ingredients of a sandwich using our mouths, following which our GLIC had to eat the entire thing. There were really gross things like peanut butter, jam, pickles etc. The spreads were impossible to pass without dropping them in the sand so I have no idea how we managed to get it to the finish line haha. Following that we had other games which I can't really remember but yeah, it was pretty fun. 

We broke for lunch and had it with our sister OG yay! But unfortunately I didn't get to talk to my EC ugh he was across the circle from me. We actually had to play a game where we had to switch places before lunch, and he ALMOST ended up beside me but didn't ugh I was so disappointed :'( But on hindsight, I don't really think he and I are compatible hahaha. He's insanely sporty, the kind who goes for 8km runs at 5AM, etc. Which begs the question: do sporty guys like non sporty girls?? It's not that I'm not sporty, I just hate running but I really do love sports in general. Like actual sports like badminton, volleyball etc, JUST NOT RUNNING. But anyway my EC is also taken and his girlfriend is really sporty, she actually goes on those runs with him... so yup. 

After lunch was wet games and we played games that required the guys to lift the girls a lot which was honestly nerve wracking cause I hate not having my feet on the ground. And my balance sucks which was why I was falling into the water a lot, but the cool sea water was such a welcome respite from the unrelenting heat :) I lost my slippers so many times throughout the day, and I learnt one very important thing: never ever bring a pair of plain black slippers to camp bc EVERYONE ELSE HAS THE EXACT SAME PAIR. Talk about nightmare omg. 

That was about it for day 3, we didn't really have time to shower at the beach so we went back to our individual chalets to have dinner and shower. My OG spent the rest of the night planning out our final day's skit and just talking. By this time I was already pretty exhausted both emotionally and physically so I didn't really have much to say and probably came off as an anti social bitch hahaha idk. 

Day 4

It was finally the day that our SPs were to be revealed to us! We were told to change into our geeky outfits right after breakfast, and the girls were escorted into the chalet while the guys went off to their respective locations. Our OGLs were the ones who "bullied" the guys waiting outside our chalet the most, making them say and do ridiculous things that I won't repeat here haha. But overall I didn't really find the entire thing entertaining, it was way too rushed and messy that I didn't know what was going on half the time. 

To cut the story short.... there were a few good looking guys in my batch, and I honestly though they were going to be my SP, but when they went off one by one with their girls I was left feeling more puzzled and confused than ever, until there were only 3 guys left and I could pretty much figure out who was mine and I was really disappointed hahaha. I was told that my face was really black which I hope wasn't the case because it must have been really awful for my partner haha. When I saw my partner, all my nerves completely disappeared and I became super laid-back and I didn't really make an effort to connect with him at first. Initially I had plans to go on a solo date with my SP, but after the reveal I didn't really want to anymore. We exchanged gifts and he gave me a really cutesy card/ photo holder which is totally not my type (not that I told him that since I only opened his gift after we parted ways). We originally went out of NTU in a huge group of 5 couples, but then we decided to split it 3-2.

We headed to my friend's restaurant for coffee since she was craving it and that whole ordeal was really awkward. I was still caught up in trying to control my emotions from showing on my face and dealing with my disappointment so I wasn't really that into the conversation. My friend also kept disappearing off to the washroom which left me alone with the two guys. What an asshole thing to do btw. But we spent around an hour there waiting for most of the lunch places to open. We left at about 12pm and happened to run into another couple from my OG right outside the cafe, which really was a lifesaver since they made everything less awkward. 

We then proceeded to a Japanese restaurant which was really expensive, but I was feeling really full from the coffee so I didn't get anything to eat. We also decided to watch a movie after the meal since the couple we met were already planning to watch Transformers. I wasn't that keen in the movie since I don't really like such movies but it was a way to pass the time I guess. I was trying so hard not to fall asleep in the movie bc my SP paid for my ticket and I didn't want to waste it. 

By the time we finished the movie it was already almost 4, and since we had to be back at NTU by 4.30, we decided to cab back. All I can say is that it was an utter relief for the date to be over, where I could change out of my outfit and go back to my OG and just trash talk. It was honestly the most relaxed I was throughout the camp, I think the date provided some sort of emotional recharging for me (???) and made me loosen up. It was the one time where I felt free to say anything without being judged and even if I was being judged, I felt like I didn't care. 

The activities that night consisted of Fright Night, where we gathered in a LT and watch a Thai horror movie before being ushered off to the makeshift haunted house in groups of fours. I wasn't really that scared of the horror movie, but I didn't really like my group. The guys were really sweet to us bc they knew we were scared, but the one other girl was an ultimate asshole. She was a million times more scared than me, covering her ears and closing her eyes as she walked into the haunted house, but when the entire thing was over, she talked down to me and acted as if I was the one who was scared out of her wits, when all I did was scream here and there. She then acted as if she wasn't scared at all and acted really close to the guys. By then I was emotionally exhausted (again) so I didn't really say anything and of course everyone around me mistook it for me being so scared or whatever ugh. 

I don't really get how some people can be high all the time without needing time to recharge?? It's like they are forever sociable and energetic, whereas I can only keep it up for a few hours at most before I need a break away from people. It's not that I hate people, it's just that they get too overwhelming sometimes and I just need to b r e a t h e. 

But yeah. We went to a hall somewhere pretty far away to shower and one of the seniors in my OG drove us back to HSS :) After that it was pretty much waiting for the other groups to finish before we gathered in the foyer where there were camping tents set up and we played card games before going to sleep :)

Day 5

The last day of camp was pretty relaxing (at least for my group haha). It was supposed to be an Amazing Race, but we decided to take it easy and take our time going around the stations and have fun instead of rushing. We were all pretty tired by the last day too so it was an unanimous choice. It was the most fun we had as an OG, since we focused on bonding and having fun instead of trying to complete all the stations. 

But even though we were the slowest group, we still ended up back at NTU first! And I think we won the race but I can't be sure hahaha. We had a quick dinner and then focused on planning our cheers for cheer fight in the limited time we had. Cheer fight was alright I guess, our sister OG won and they really deserved it!!! So happy for them. 

But yup that was my whole HSS FOC experience. What do you think?? It took me a whole week to recount it (blame my procrastination haha). Quite a few things are happening in the week ahead, starting with seeing Big Bang tomorrow!!! I'm so excited!!! I'll update again tomorrow hehehe, until then!

❤️always,

hazel

if you

hello everyone!!!!!

It's been a good few weeks of rest, now that I'm not working, weekdays are no different from weekends haha. 

I went to get my nails done at Bugis today, and in total doing my hands and feet cost me $36 in total... which I think is not a bad deal since I got gel nails, but some of my friends don't think it's worth it. Oh well, to each their own haha. I got a dark navy blue with a hint of shimmer and gold and silver specks as a topper. Overall I would say I'm pretty happy with it, although it looks kinda of chunky and thick maybe due to the glitter. OH and when the woman first started painting my nails, the polish looked like a purple instead of a navy blue (it kinda still does at the edges now) and I kinda panicked and almost wanted to ask her to change to another colour, but she insisted that it was the right one that I chose initially. But luckily it turned out to be the right colour after a few coats. Crisis averted :) 

I specially left my nails long since I was going for a manicure, but the woman doing my nails trimmed them and went on to scold me for having short nails after she was done painting. okay then. 

So yessss that's what I got done. I hope it looks alright, I'm awful at taking photos of my nails but I tried my best already hahaha. For my toes I just got a Slytherin green. Yay. I guess I would say that the service at that place is really brief and no frills. It's good if you want a quick mani pedi with the colours/ designs already in mind, because they work really fast. They charge a lot extra if you want designs though, I had to add on an extra $12 just for adding glitter to my hands. Overall I would go back to the place only because it's one of the cheapest that I know of, and not for the quality of the service (what you pay for is what you get I guess haha)

Oh I went to eat Korean BBQ buffet today too! It was pretty good, the beef was amazingly marinated and so mouth watering ugh but I don't think we ate a lot, it's pretty hard to judge but I think we ate about 2 plates of meat at most. Quite pathetic hahaha but there were a lot of good side dishes as well, such as japchae (glass noodles), sweet potato, dukkboki (spicy rice cake) etc. The kimchi pancake wasn't that appetising since it was quite stale though.

My HSS camp starts on Monday and I'm pretty nervous about it. I hope the people there are nice. I got the packing list on Tuesday, which stated that we had to bring along a swim suit among other things ugh. I'm hoping everything will go fine since I don't really like to expose my shoulders. We also had to get a gift for the opposite sex of a value less than $10, so I just got a Starbucks gift card today (wonderful suggestion made by my friend) so I'm pretty relieved to get that out of the way. Other than that, I don't have much to do other than pack (which actually is quite a lot to do, since I have to finish by Sunday night latest). If you read this, please pray that everything goes well!!! I have such high expectations for this camp and I really don't want to be let down :( Furthermore, I don't know anyone else who's going for this camp so I'm pretty anxious about it.

I'll keep you updated :)

❤️always,

Hazel

gotta talk to you

Hello everyone!!!! I hope you've been well, it's been a week since I last updated but not much has happened.

Now that I'm officially unemployed again, my days pass by so fast in a blur of laziness, which I can't exactly say is bad ;) I went to cut and dye my hair too, something which I've been wanting to do for a long time since my roots were beginning to show. I caught Jurassic World in 3D as well, and did you know that Shaw doesn't loan out 3D glasses anymore? You have to buy your own for $2 a pair. I guess it's worth it though, since you only have to buy it once and it's a lot more hygienic. But we basically got them for free though since students get a $2 discount on tickets.

On to the movie itself: it was so awful! (read: amazingly cool but so intensely scary). There were some primary school ish boys in the same row, and I'm ashamed to say that they weren't scared at all whereas I was clutching at my friend's hand for dear life. But the adults behind me screamed at some scenes, so I guess I didn't do too badly.

UM if you're not scared of this badass popping out of your screen randomly while roaring like hell then idk man. Not to mention the crunching and screaming whenever someone gets eaten

But overall, it was good. For the effects and the animation (i don't think this is the right word to use here but) but the overall plot was just a huge "this is not a good idea" and "hoe don't do it" right from the beginning. But I enjoyed it nevertheless.

On a more serious note, I stumbled across an old friend's blog the past week, and I found some old posts that were made right when we were going through a rough patch. I guess naturally we all tend to tell the story from our point of view, and that can be really inaccurate sometimes. But I got all annoyed at the way she described things and- I won't go into detail. It was almost a year ago, and I've moved on. But the whole time I was reading her blog I just

So yeah. 

Oh I got called up by my fac camp group leader today!!!!! It was hilarious bc I was actually pranked (like all the other members in my group, as I soon found out). The call started out with the caller (a guy) introducing himself to be from NUS psych, and asking if he could do a survey on me, and that I had a chance of winning a $30 shopping voucher. So I agreed, and his first question was: What kind of trait do you look for in a partner? I was caught pretty off guard by that and to be honest, I couldn't think of ANY trait. And it didn't help that I was browsing through pics of GD atm. So after much hemming and hawing I finally answered honesty, and a sense of humour. 

The second question was as follows: How high would you rate looks and attractiveness in a guy? From a scale of 1-10. I answered honestly like 6-7, which is a pretty safe answer I feel? Idk man as long as the guy appeals to my standards, I'm good. And it's pretty hard to rate whether someone has high or low standards, but I've been told that my taste in guys are not that good.

Third q: If you found out that your boyfriend has a small dick, would you dump him? To which I said no, since I have to look at him as a whole person and not just judge based on his size or whatever. Ugh I was seriously stuttering so bad here bc the qns were getting so inappropriate and I considered hanging up. And finally, the last q: Would you want a bf with a long dick or a thick dick?

Omg dealbreaker. Obviously I wasn't about to choose between the two, since the politically correct answer would be "I don't choose my bf based on dick size." And that's just what I said since at that point in time I obviously knew this wasn't a real survey and it was some kind of prank. Then I was congratulated for passing the test and that I was offered a place in the HSS camp.

Wow talk about speechless. I mean I knew it was a prank of sorts, but I didn't expect it to be from my group leaders hahaha. So I was given some pretty basic details about my grouping and stuff which I don't really remember haha but I do remember that my camp group is called Gaia!!!!! I was asked to send an unglam selfie of myself, which I did ugh I hope I didn't scare anyone off, and I was added to a chat group with all my group members.

Which cues my earlier anxieties that developed over the past two years. I have a fear of talking in group chats with people I don't really know (long story) mainly bc I'm scared of being ganged up on or ignored. But recently I'm trying to live by this logic: It's only awkward if you make it so. So I'm gonna try my best not to make things awkward, 'cause it's almost always in my imagination. 

Yup that pretty much sums up my week. I have my health checkup at NTU tomorrow, so I'll let you guys know how that goes as well. Hope you all have a fantastic week ahead!!! (no monday blues for me finally ;))

❤️ always,

Hazel

니가 뭔데

Finally it's my last day of work!!!!!!!! ahhhhh I'm so happy and relieved that it's over.

Nothing much happened at work today, I was mostly just clearing up my stuff and tying up loose ends. So it's safe to say I didn't really have much to do and just sat at my desk playing quizup (not so secretly) and texting.

Lunch was awful though. I had a farewell lunch with most of my team members and they are all awful. They're the kind of people who will smile while insulting you and laugh while making jokes at your expense. All I can say is that they made me feel so so so intimidated (and it's not just bc of the huge age gap) that I can't seem to say anything but the same few sentences again and again. Ugh. I really felt like a potato sitting there and smiling along, and they made me feel really inept and unsociable. I had some really insensitive comments thrown my way but I tried my best to ignore them (bc really, what could I do?) and a lot of questions asking me where I'm headed for uni. 

To be honest it's not that I don't want to share with them. It's just that, uni becomes the only topic they can talk to me about, and it's tiring. I'm way more than my future school/course/job, can't you find something else to talk to me about? I guess maybe it's an easy topic which doesn't require much effort. Well then I guess I won't put in that much effort into our conversation then, sounds fair doesn't it? 

As much as I've complained about the awful people at my job (those who are rude as hell, ungrateful, etc) there are some nice people I've met and I'm truly thankful for this opportunity. We all meet undesirable people in life no matter where we go, but what's important is that we have those few people to support us and share our burdens. And really, even though it doesn't change anything at all, everything is so much better :) I've learnt so many things over the past six months. 

One of them is to always be careful about what you say, bc word travels far and fast. And once you say something, you can't take it back or change it. People in the workplace aren't always what they seem. In fact, the only two mothers in my team are the least motherly of them all. They don't know how to treat others as they would like to be treated, have no sense of respect, and feel that they are superior above all. But I don't see why they have to be mean to those younger than them. Everyone you meet is someone else's flesh and blood, and I'm sure it would kill them inside to know that they are being mistreated by someone older than them, when they should be taken care of instead. 

I've really learnt a lot about an office job. Originally I thought it was easy, all I had to do was sit there and do whatever was assigned to me, but there's so much more than that. Personal affairs become mixed up with work, and you can't do anything but ignore it on the surface and pretend it doesn't exist for the sake of being professional. Precisely the reason why I was so hesitant to get close to anyone at work, because I thought it was risky mixing business with pleasure. I still am cautious, to be honest because I don't know where the line is drawn, and I think it would be best to err on the side of caution and never approach that line ever, wherever it's drawn. (did that make sense?) 

I don't really know what to do with your number. Would I ever have a reason to use it? And I don't want to be the first one to message (but in this situation the opposite is impossible since you gave me yours) because I don't really know what we would talk about. Yet I don't really want to just drop it either because I feel like you gave it to me for a reason, just that I don't really know what it is? You said "If you need anything, just ask." What does that even mean? Like advice, or something? Ugh I don't know. The generation/age gap between us makes it really hard for me to relate to you. 

So I guess that's about it for this week? I had to cancel my Korea trip :( but the good news is that we're getting an almost full refund :)) Nothing much coming up in the next few weeks other than some me time (FINALLY), settling my mountain load of uni stuff, my NTU health check up, HSS camp (hopefully?? I have yet to receive any news about it ugh) and some other plans. I'll keep you posted!!

❤️always, 

Hazel