맙소사

I'm blogging more and more often these days but I guess that's what a blog is for right? haha. I'm currently sitting in my hall's study room typing this after the end of a really long week. 

So just an update, I'm okay with not getting into JCRC, and even though I may feel a bit lost as to what I should join next, I kinda came to a conclusion that my life doesn't just revolve around joining committees and going for interviews, there are so many other things involved as well but for that moment, I kind of let this whole "joining things" stress me out. As for now I have a clearer idea of what I want to do, but I'm just going to see how things go and not stress myself out unnecessarily, as I often tend to. 

On Tuesday we had a OG steamboat, and after lessons I went to JP to help get food for it. It was pretty relaxing in a way because I got to get out of school after the previous night's disappointment/ whatever it is (I don't even know how to label it anymore). The steamboat itself was okay I guess, maybe it went better than I'm describing it now since I'm pretty tired and down right now. I haven't been able to sleep well all week, either because of my cough (which is getting better, thankfully) or because it's just way too hot in my room even with a single fan blowing at me. 

On Wednesday, double lecture day was awful and I have no idea how I got through it, since I was practically sneezing and coughing throughout them both. But after that was my current happy pill: volleyball training. It went quite well, somehow I got better at it and my arms no longer bruise. I still need to improve on my serving a little since most of the time it only just clears the net and I still have almost no idea how to set. But I had some lucky hits during a practice game and helped my team win which was really a huge self esteem booster for me haha. We could have played a little longer but unfortunately the lights for the outdoor court went out and we couldn't see any further to continue playing :( 

Hmmmm then Thursday nothing much happened, but one of my friends noticed how busy I was in school and she asked if I had time for myself, to which I replied no. She told me how unhealthy that was and I agree and acknowledge it. It's just really hard to see time to myself as a necessary thing when there are so many other things going on around me that require my participation, and I end up neglecting that need until I'm in the middle of some social gathering and realising that I'm really tired (be it physically, emotionally or whatever). I seriously need to schedule my time better.

But yep, so thankful that today is Friday. I'm heading to JEM to shop for some clothes before heading home. This weekend I'll have to rush two assignments, and I really hope I can keep focused on them and not procrastinate. On top of that I still have readings to complete before next week as well, and there are main comm interviews next week too sigh. 

I really tried to reach out to you in a way that you could respond to, but it just seems like you're a different person online and off? I really don't know what to make of it, some people tell me to interact with you more in real life but that's really difficult because 1) we rarely get to see each other and 2) even so we won't be alone. I'm finding it really hard to keep friends with the opposite sex because there's just nothing in common for us to keep talking about? I'm so tired and I wish things would just work out. 

anyway... looking forward to getting a good night's sleep this weekend. I'll keep you updated!

❤️always,

hazel

far far away

short one for now and it's gonna be quite incoherent cause i'm currently typing this in the dark and I'm kind of messed up. 

So the results are out and I lost by a little... and to be really honest I'm not as disappointed as I am lost. I was just so fixed on this being the way that I hadn't really thought of alternative pathways or options and now I'm left in this mess of not knowing what to do or where to go. It's really easy to just resent God right now and blame Him for not letting me get what I want, but I'll resist it. There are so many other things to look forward to and I'm not going to let this one little thing spoil it.

But the problem is that I can't exactly show my real emotions to those around me right now, because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. But at the same time, I want to be comforted in a way that an only be accomplished if I let them know that I'm kinda bummed out (???) Wait actually cancel all that.

Right now I just want to be comforted and held. It's not because I feel really sad or disappointed, but I guess more of a 'I don't want to be alone' and I want someone I can trust, who won't misinterpret my feelings to be with me right now. And I thought you were the one, and when the results came out I kinda just envisioned you enveloping me into your arms and everything felt better. But when I got back to the room, you didn't have any fucks to give and that fact alone was disappointing. I know maybe you're not the best at expressing emotion or comforting people but maybe just a word? And it was too much of me to expect a hug too, but it would have been nice. 

Once again expectations have fucked me up again, but not in the way that I expected. But then again maybe I'm just transferring all my emotions from one thing to another, like a form of escapism, but I can't be entirely sure.

Ugh now i already feel stupid reading that paragraph because obviously you WONT comfort me, who are you to me to do that? it would be so out of character, so strange, so weird, so unexpected, so impossible, so not you. even my closer friends didn't do that, so who are you to do that? that could only happen in a fairytale and i don't live in one.

but i wish you would.

please let the rest of september be okay. it kind of started off badly but i really want it to go well. But I'm not in control, He is. and I have to trust that He has a place for me somewhere here. I just haven't found it yet.

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

❤️always,
hazel