far far away

short one for now and it's gonna be quite incoherent cause i'm currently typing this in the dark and I'm kind of messed up. 

So the results are out and I lost by a little... and to be really honest I'm not as disappointed as I am lost. I was just so fixed on this being the way that I hadn't really thought of alternative pathways or options and now I'm left in this mess of not knowing what to do or where to go. It's really easy to just resent God right now and blame Him for not letting me get what I want, but I'll resist it. There are so many other things to look forward to and I'm not going to let this one little thing spoil it.

But the problem is that I can't exactly show my real emotions to those around me right now, because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. But at the same time, I want to be comforted in a way that an only be accomplished if I let them know that I'm kinda bummed out (???) Wait actually cancel all that.

Right now I just want to be comforted and held. It's not because I feel really sad or disappointed, but I guess more of a 'I don't want to be alone' and I want someone I can trust, who won't misinterpret my feelings to be with me right now. And I thought you were the one, and when the results came out I kinda just envisioned you enveloping me into your arms and everything felt better. But when I got back to the room, you didn't have any fucks to give and that fact alone was disappointing. I know maybe you're not the best at expressing emotion or comforting people but maybe just a word? And it was too much of me to expect a hug too, but it would have been nice. 

Once again expectations have fucked me up again, but not in the way that I expected. But then again maybe I'm just transferring all my emotions from one thing to another, like a form of escapism, but I can't be entirely sure.

Ugh now i already feel stupid reading that paragraph because obviously you WONT comfort me, who are you to me to do that? it would be so out of character, so strange, so weird, so unexpected, so impossible, so not you. even my closer friends didn't do that, so who are you to do that? that could only happen in a fairytale and i don't live in one.

but i wish you would.

please let the rest of september be okay. it kind of started off badly but i really want it to go well. But I'm not in control, He is. and I have to trust that He has a place for me somewhere here. I just haven't found it yet.

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

❤️always,
hazel