What the hellllll.

I didn't pass the test.

After 2 weeks of making up my mind. Addictions usually take a week or so to shake off but this one is a whole lot harder since I went two weeks and I still failed. I thought I was doing well but turns out I wasn't. I am/was 75% sure that we are/were done and today that 25% comes haunting me. It's threatening to push my certainty to about 20%. Am I letting it? Should I let it?

It's frustrating how the minority comes into play just because it's you.

Ahhhhhhh i don't know what else to write here. I'm sort of looking forward to this coming week because it's only what, 3 days of school? and Wednesday is a half day. Talk about SLACK. Yayyy :)

Why do flu medicines have lemon flavour in them/taste sour? If lemon/sourness plays a role in preventing/curing flus I should be flu-free for about a million years by now.

♥hazel

Decisions, decisions.

Today was so entirely fun. Went to Marina Barrage for a picnic/stand around with Hosea! Yayyy.

The day started out pretty slow but I eventually managed to get to Marina Barrage. On time. I brought muffins baked the previous day and I'll admit that it's my mistake to have brought like 10 of them there because at the end of it, only like 3 were eaten. I should have learned my lesson from previous potlucks but neverrr mind. I'll bring like 5 next time. There were like 10 people so maybe the formula is to halve what you made. I'm such a nerd :)

And I was really really really kind of shocked when there was actually a cake. More like a brownie but yeah. Turns out that Aaron baked it for me and Phoebe because our birthdays were around this time. that was really sweet of him!! he woke up at like 8 this morning to bake it. At that time I was like fast asleep hehe. So thoughtful lol. THANK YOU AARON! :)

Then we went to Raffles' City to find food. haha i think we wasted about an hour standing around trying to decide what was cheapest. hosea is a fan of standing around doing nothing LOL. We stayed around until 6.30 because we had to walk across half the shopping centre to find a toilet. seriouslyy. And i didn't know Clarence lived in the hougang area too! So awesome that i had someone to go home with instead of being the odd one when everyone else was like living in central or something.

I want to join Philotheos. I just think it's really cool to be playing music and glorifying God at the same time, but am I good enough? And how do I even try to get in? I know there are auditions and that's the thing I hate the most. I'm not even respectably good at guitar. I can't read notes, I can't pluck really complicated stuff like I hear during worship. What the hell, I don't even think I have the right guitar. It's acoustic and all but it can't plug in. i guess i'll just pray about it and see what happens :)

And I want to skip GB camp and go for church camp instead. It's like sec 1 to 3 camp and I wanna go because it's my last year to go. And no doubt it will be wayyy better than GB camp. I heard last year that someone skipped GB camp because she had church camp so I'll see if I can do that too. It would so make my week if I find out that i can.

I guess that's pretty much all that's happening right about now. Class tests are like next weekish and ughhhhhh. looking forward to 21st though, celebratory barbecue dinner for the sec 1 camp comm 2011! and then 23rd Jan, music video for WTH! IN 3D. time to dig out those hanna montana 3D glasses! :)

♥hazel

PS: it's been 3days. I'm on my way to believing you're a thing of the past. Let's wait for a week to pass and I'm sure you'll be history :)

The magical day.

School was alright today.

I really can't stand my e math teacher because she speaks really softly and I can't hear her. Even though i ask her to speak louder loads of times she just goes louder for like 3 words and then back to normal volume. Who says it's only students that speak softly? She's OCD as well but i guess i'm not the best person to say that.

Literature was enlightening. I found out that CCM isn't as pure and innocent as it really is. Why the hell do they have to beat around the bush? Just go "Hey, ask Tantie if I can **** her." Chemistry was fine, we learned ionic equations, which, thankfully, aren't as hard as they sound/look. And then chapel then peer lite refresher course. But there's good news.

PEER LITES ARE GETTING A BADGE!!! Like finally!!!!!! I'm so happy. I heard we're getting a silver tie but i don't really think so. We'd look really weird.

Here's the deal. I don't even see him and haven't even spoken to him and don't even know who he is and he still did it. AND he's your friend. I don't know what the hell is going on in your brain, mister, but i'd like to know. Give me a peek someday alright?

I had a birthday song shared with 2 other people today. One girl's birthday was yesterday, the other is tomorrow. Pretty cool huh? It was really uneventful today, although I'm still waiting for my hoodie to come in the mail about next week. Yayy.

I'm just going to write what I feel at this point of time down here so I don't forget that I ever felt this way. Because it's 100% guaranteed I'm going to change my mind tomorrow or something. I think you're really immature and right now I can't provide one reason to myself why I ever ever ever ____ you. You're just that way by nature and I can't ever see why I thought I was special. And I didn't even get the full extent of the 'treatment'. Maybe it's all His way of not letting me get hurt by not letting me get sucked in. He cared enough to close a door He didn't want me to walk through and I think I see it now and I'm thankful, if that's what he's trying to tell me.

We'll see about that. Meanwhile, it's good to be 15.

♥hazel

Enchanted to meet you.

Okay this shall be a quick post.

Today was a holiday for reasons I'm too tired to explain haha. I went out for lunch with the usual people and it was awesome. We visited the icing box and it was reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fun to decorate the cake on our own. After making it we went up to the skygarden to eat it and a group of boys on the other side 'sang' a birthday song for me. So cute! okay well maybe that was more like one person shouting happy birthday but still!

It was really too much to describe but I am sosososososo lucky to have such amazing friends that are willing to spend their free day with me! It's my birthday in half an hour, and in half an hour i'll be 15. It's not that much of a deal.

Oh who am i kidding?

♥hazel.

Look what you've done.

Let's rewind back a few days alright?

I'm being completely honest with myself and you right now. I didn't think the camp was all that successful and I didn't feel the magic of it all on the last day. There was just something missing from it. I wrote a note to everyone I worked with telling them how much I enjoyed working with them and that part isn't a lie. But I just didn't feel that I did a good job leading 1-5. Maybe if I was better in leading their finale night wouldn't have been such a disaster. I don't know why everyone is saying finale night is such a success when to me, it clearly isn't. I don't have to pretend I loved loved loved the camp here and it's better that i don't.

I don't understand why the camp was such a huge success for everyone else and here I am, trying to convince myself that it is but failing. I don't think anyone else thinks the same as I do but that's okay since it's soley my fault that 1-5 didn't perform as well as the other classes. I still don't know how to get them to listen to me. If i was better this wouldn't have happened. No way.

Then I got home and suddenly everything around me started falling apart and I don't know how to fix it. Maybe I should just let the other party fix it. Why should I be the one trying all the time? it's not fair.

And now I finally see it. I don't mean anything to you at all and all this time I was putting you really high on my priorities list when I was no where near the top of it on yours. So now I'm throwing away my mental priorities list but when I do that, I question myself about whether this person really deserves to be taken for granted and then I answer no, which then leads me back to square one. You don't deserve any more chances but I know I'll end up giving you one and get hurt again.

I almost hurt another person today because I thought you remembered. Turns out you didn't, and that person was innocent. She doesn't deserve to be thrown out from her seat and I almost did, only to realise that you didn't give a damn about me. You're the one who doesn't deserve anything at all. I'm so sick and tired of your carefree attitude. The day that you learn to appreciate me is the day I'll forgive you and stop holding grudges, but it's gonna be a long wait.

Don't say I'm sensitive because this isn't the first time that this happened. You don't keep your promises and I'm so tired of putting up with your excuses and apologies. How will I even know if you'll adhere to them? What about next time? Can I trust you the next time you make me a promise? I don't think so.

How the hell would it feel if I cancelled on you, if I twirled you round my little finger and if I took your feelings and stepped all over them? Think about it, alright?

you're not sorry. why don't i ever learn? people don't ever change, no matter how sorry they are.

♥hazel.

Happy 2011!

I know I'm late, but better late than never.

So yeah, you know those facebook notification emails? I finally got around to deleting them today. And do you know how many of them there were? 510, give or take. Do you remember when we used to be so close that you used to post on my wall by mistake when you just wanted to update your status? Do you remember that story you sent me that you never finished? Do you remember how I helped you get your current boyfriend back and you tried to help me with mine? Do you remember all those hours we spent on chat, Habbo, Club Penguin, even Barbie.com? And how you stayed up the whole night just to talk to me? How I used to wake up at 4 am to catch the ustream with you? Do you remember how we used to share every detail of our lives? Because if you don't, I do.

One year ago we were so close. Inseparably close. But in a year so many things can change and we hardly talk anymore. I miss the old you. Maybe you're thinking I've changed, and I won't deny that I have. I'm sorry, but all the memories have to go. I can't look at them anymore. I took our seasonal friendship more literally and important than you did, and now looking back I realise that was where I went wrong.

That's the part of today's post dedicated to you, so you can know how much you used to mean to me. Past tense is a sad thing.

Sec 1 camp is tomorrowww!!! :)) So excited. All our hard work is finally going to be rewarded. I have to find people to take notes for me so yeah. And I'm not really done packing and haven't even downloaded the songs needed :( So you can imagine I have so many things to do.

I was complaining that I didn't have a locker a few weeks ago but now the locker people gave me not one, but TWO lockers. Amazing right? I don't know if I have to pay for two or just one but I texted back and they didn't reply. Oh well ;)

By Friday I am going to be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I actually calculated: if I get 4 hours of sleep in total for the camp, I'm gonna have to sleep for 36 hours during the weekend. Cool. Mark my words. And yes, that's how intense it's going to be, 2 hours of sleep each night. So say we have to wake up at 7, we'll probably sleep at 5, because we need to get ready for all the stuff the next day. Insane, but I'm excited. Hopefully this excitement keeps me awake.

I'm doing devotion tomorrow, first thing at start of camp so it's really important that I make a good impression. I just hope I can do it and live up to my & others' expectations. That's it, see you guys whenever :)

♥hazel