1AM

missing someone/ something is so hard.

I miss last night already. Even though I was really far away from the stage, I still felt the boys' stage presence and it was enough. I seriously just danced my heart out last night without regard of anyone judging me, and if you know me that's pretty hard for me to achieve. I just miss that feeling of being so carefree and caught up in the moment.

Last night, my life and Big Bang's met at a single event, if that made any sense. After last night, we each went back to doing our own thing and going about our own lives, and maybe it's part of the post concert blues but to feel so distant from them after they were just a few hundred metres away from me is really something that hits hard. I think many of you who've gone to concerts have experienced this before, albeit to a lesser degree. It's like two lines converging towards each other and meeting at a point, but then continuing away from each other, never to meet again. I'm thankful that we shared a common event, but at the same time sad because I want them in my life. 

TOP posted about post concert blues/ loneliness too, and it's comforting in a way to know that celebrities do experience something similar.  I've never thought about it before, but after both TOP and GD shared about their feelings of loneliness and emptiness after a concert, it's kind of reassuring to know that they feel this way too and that I'm not alone. After seeing pictures of GD and Seungri entertaining various groups of people despite looking really tired after their first concert in SG, I feel really sorry for them, since it's not something they can turn down. It's basically a business natured meeting cloaked in a social setting. 

But anyway. Yesterday was really amazing. I'll admit that leading up to the concert I was distracted by everything that was going on around me, mainly uni stuff. So I wasn't really able to concentrate on being excited for it, but as we were waiting to see the boys go into the stadium/ enter the venue itself, I just forgot about all of those things and focused on seeing them live. I saw all of them enter the stadium, but it was pretty rushed, we only caught a 2 second glimpse of them, and they didn't even wave or smile at us, which was quite a disappointment. 

After we saw them enter, it was around 3.30pm, so we headed to the nearby Cheers to get drinks since we weren't allowed to bring in our own. We hung out and chatted and people watched for a while till around 4.15pm, before we decided to head to our east entrance to see if there was a queue. Luckily we did, as there was already a long line of people waiting to enter the venue when the doors only opened at 5pm. The security was really strict about not having cameras or tablets with us, even conducting a bag check before we were allowed in. I hid my camera and my friend's iPad in the back compartment of my kanken, and we both got a heart attack when the old man in charge of checking my bag felt around the back of my bag. We both thought we were going to get caught when he paused for a while after feeling around, but in the end he just let us proceed. 

We were still relatively early when we found our seats, so we just chilled for a while and took some selfies while enjoying the music they played beforehand. I also saw a pretty cool commercial (???) of Taeyang and CL which I've never seen before, but I don't really know what it's for since it didn't really feature a single product enough for it to be a commercial. At first we thought that the stadium was pretty empty, but little by little it began filling up, I really pitied the mosh pit people. Having been in one myself, I would say that it's fun but also really tiring and sweaty at the same time. We had to wait for quite a while before the boys finally came out, but when it was time, whole atmosphere just intensified, and I'll never forget that feeling of anticipation and elation at finally seeing them come out. 

It was really intense from the start, and I won't go into detail of every song cause that would be really boring hahaha. But seeing the entire sea of yellow blinking lights, I felt really privileged to be there, and I felt like I actually belonged to some sort of family, even though I was quite new to Big Bang. Seeing everyone there united for a common purpose really made me feel at ease and maybe that's part of the reason why I was able to just let go and enjoy myself. 

The song I enjoyed the most was probably Good Boy, and also Crooked! To me those were the songs that I danced to the most, and the feeling of just dancing for the sake of it and not caring about others judging you is the best feeling ever :) I'm trying to pick up dance now, but it's gonna be a long time before I ever get to experience that haha. The boys were all doing their best for us, which I really appreciate since they had to be tired. Seungri's voice was really almost gone, but he still continued shouting and entertaining us because he wanted us to enjoy ourselves. I'm really thankful to them for making me forget about everything even just for a few hours, for making me able to dance and scream and jump without fear of being judged. 

The concert ended really quickly, and I left with my friend to the loading bay in hopes of catching them on their way out. We waited for almost an hour before giving up, and luckily too, since we learned later that TOP, Taeyang and Daesung only left 2 hours after the concert ended, whereas GD and Seungri had left via another entrance. We cabbed to nex and had a later supper before heading home. 

I don't think I'm done with feeling empty yet. It's just that reality has come rushing in, especially since I got the result of my hall application in NTU today. I didn't get what I wanted at all, and it's freaking me out since once again, I'm not in control. I'm trying not to overthink but it's so difficult when there are so many things at risk. I miss when things were so simple like back in JC. It may not have been an easy time, but compared to now, I definitely had less things to worry about. It's just really hard to believe that God has arranged things in this manner for a reason, and it's easier to believe that things would be easier if I had my way and things went according to my plan instead of His. But I guess that's faith right? I'm not really there yet. 

I just signed up for hall camp today. The activities seem similar to what we did in HSS FOC, and I'm hoping I can get in and my OG will be good haha. It's probably a bad idea to get my hopes up again, but if you see this, please keep your fingers crossed for me? It's new territory for me, and this time I don't think I have room for mistakes anymore. 

There's so little time before school starts. I basically only have this week left and even so, there's a lot of things that need to be settled and I'm tired just thinking about it. I just want to go back to last night, where I had no worries and expectations. 

miss you :'(

❤️always,

hazel

sober

it's hard for me to be sober

Camp is over!!! What an experience it was, filled with up and downs. 

I guess I'm feeling quite empty right now, but it's normal I guess? After all of the emotional highs of the past few days, I finally got a chance to breathe and reflect, and everything comes crashing down. I'm starting to ask myself what I got out of this camp and I don't really have an answer to that. Maybe I'm being too critical but it doesn't seem like I'm very close to any of my group mates, not in the one on one HTHT kind of thing, but it might be too early to tell. I really expected a lot out of my Special Partner too (more about that in detail later) but I already know that it's not going anywhere and I actually really needed it. And I can't help but be envious of others. It's honestly so so so hard to wait. 

Another thing about camp is that I'm the kind of person who needs time alone to recharge every day, but I didn't really get that time in camp. Without that time to recharge, my self esteem just takes a plunge and I start imagining that everyone really hates me and the things that I say are really unentertaining and all that shit ugh. More on that later too.

Y'all know that I had really high expectations of camp, but most of them didn't really get fulfilled. Maybe it was because of sheer luck (or unluckiness) or maybe it was because of me. But I'm gonna try and recount the whole entire experience as best as I can, and you be the judge.

Day 0

We met at Pioneer at 11AM, and I actually miscalculated my ETA and I arrived an hour early and had to walk around to kill time. But when I met up with the others it was expectedly awkward, and all I wanted to do was run away. The girls were nice though, and we started off by talking about really basic things like name, course, previous school etc. We had to wait a little before boarding the bus to NTU. When we got there, we basically played a few ice breaker games before having the camp chairperson/ people (??) introduce themselves to us. We then proceeded to paint our flag, and in case I haven't told you yet, I'm in GAIA!! Yep I didn't really contribute much bc my art and craft skills are horrendous. We were released after learning a few cheers, and I guess the most memorable event of the day was when the fake freshies revealed themselves. One of them actually pretended to flare up over a small forfeit and threaten to fight our GLIC, and another blended in so well haha.

Day 1

We actually divided up according to where we lived the previous day so we could meet up and travel to NTU together. I was supposed to meet the group who lived along the purple line initially, but I ran into another group situated along the Circle Line, so I ended up going with them. The start of camp was really boring as we had to listen to speeches made by our camp sponsors, but I guess it's gonna be quite common from now onwards. We broke for lunch after which was still pretty awkward, but I really tried my best to engage in conversation with my group mates. I was sat with two seniors and another girl from my course, but after talking to that girl, I could tell our personalities didn't really click, but we were both trying hard to talk to each other, which I appreciate. The mini group which I sat with slowly started discovering common topics to talk about which really quelled the awkwardness a lot.

Post lunch came station games located around the campus. I guess the main purpose of this was to help us to get to know the school better and minimise our chances of getting lost once school starts, but honestly I don't think it helped one bit haha. We had various games such as pass the parcel, pass the food item with a designated body part etc. Overall I guess I didn't really enjoy it that much because it all seemed like really common games to be playing, but maybe my expectations have been heightened too much bc of Running Man 😂 Station games took up almost the whole afternoon, and after dinner we were told to change into our disposables in preparation for night activities. 

A bus was chartered for us to get to Pasir Ris, and we stayed around Aloha Loyang in one of the chalets there. For the night activities, we were blindfolded and made to walk in an open field while things like eggs, flour, sweet drinks, honey etc were thrown at us. But the highlight of the night had to be when we were forced to crawl through our leftover dinner which consisted of chicken rice. Thankfully I was pulled out of that since my monthly best friend was currently visiting, but the smell of it was no joke at all. After it ended, the seniors helped us to clean up a little by splashing buckets of water over us, but it was so cold that we all had to huddle together, which was really an experience. We all bonded over our apprehension of not being able to see anything and shivering like mad while waiting for the entire thing to end.

We washed up and split into guys and girls for a night of HTHT, in which we mainly discussed our past/current relationships, played shoot shag marry etc. It was kinda hilarious bc the girls weren't even half done when the guys finished. We talked till around 4AM, with supper and all from the seniors. It was great to get to know the girls a little more, prompting the start of some hopefully long lasting friendships.

Day 2

We started off with field games nearby for our morning activity. The games on the second day were a lot more fun, we had games where we had to thread raffia string through all of our shirts and pass things such as a whole raw chicken, raw octopus etc through everyone's shirts. There was also a game where we had to memorise the ingredients of a range of burgers and form a dog pile in the order of those ingredients. Oh and I found my eye candy on that day! He's insanely muscled and has a really bad boy face (tamed down a lot by his glasses) and just gives off a player vibe entirely. (i'll elaborate more on him later) We had to play wet captain's ball against his OG but they totally trashed us, which is okay since we're supposed to be sister OGs. His OG was just filled with hot guys ugh I'm so jealous of the girls there :( And honestly I feel that I'm better looking than all the girls in that OG (coming from someone with such low self esteem, that's saying something)

After heading back to our chalets to change into swim wear for pool day, we went to Pasir Ris pool and had lunch there. That's when my EC sat next to me (well okay we were separated by the aisle) but I was starstruck and couldn't really say anything. But it's alright I had plenty of time to admire his side profile ;) I didn't really participate in the games bc my red sea was still raging, but it didn't seem like I missed out much anyway, since the proggies were all pretty confused themselves and the games only required a few to participate at any one time. But it was so hot omg it would have been so nice to just go into the water even if I didn't get to play. I had time to bond with two of my Senior Attached and we shared our ECs and fangirled over them, and I think that was the most enjoyable part of my day haha. At the end we had a mass game where we were paired up with our sister OGs and we had to transport as many people as possible from one end of the pool to the other using inflatable floats. My EC was one of the lead swimmers and ugh he is so strong omg. While he was resting he happened to stop right in front of where I was standing cheering for our OGs and those freaking back muscles ughhhhhh WHY. He's just so wow and I'm just so meh.

Anyway after pool games wrapped we took public transport back to our chalet and ordered pizza for dinner. It was a pretty rushed dinner as some of the seniors came back and our OGLs had to entertain them, and there was also the night activity to prepare for. We had something called a Special Partner (SPs) assigned to each of us, completely by random, although those assigning would try their best to match heights and relationship statuses (here called traffic light colour). The girls would then be blindfolded and staying in their respective chalets, while the guys would be blindfolded as well and sent out to different chalets to find their SPs. We were told not to divulge our real names and OGs, and we were even given code names; mine was Victoria and my partner's was Beckham. So I guess from those codenames I was already expecting a pretty good looking partner. My senior even told me that my partner's physique was really good and he was the best catch out of all of them so my expectations were raised even higher... if that was even possible. 

We had to wait pretty long before our partners arrived, and when they finally did, we were made to hold hands. We talked about the basics such as previous schools, hobbies, etc. My partner was made to sing to me and I was quite impressed with his voice, although I was a little puzzled at his small hands. We were made to play the pocky game a few times and our lips brushed once or twice, and honestly I got really high off of it, since in my mind he was this insanely hot guy. Things ended quite soon and I was a little sad for him to leave.

After that we had our HTHTs with girls and guys respectively, and we all shared about our SPs. There's nothing much to say I guess hahaha just that I was really expecting my partner to turn out exactly as I wanted. 

Day 3

Day 3 was beach day! We started out with a chartered bus to Sentosa and when we got there, we had some impromptu cheer battle, and a short briefing on safety before starting out with dry games. First up was a game where we had to lie down in the sand and pass ingredients of a sandwich using our mouths, following which our GLIC had to eat the entire thing. There were really gross things like peanut butter, jam, pickles etc. The spreads were impossible to pass without dropping them in the sand so I have no idea how we managed to get it to the finish line haha. Following that we had other games which I can't really remember but yeah, it was pretty fun. 

We broke for lunch and had it with our sister OG yay! But unfortunately I didn't get to talk to my EC ugh he was across the circle from me. We actually had to play a game where we had to switch places before lunch, and he ALMOST ended up beside me but didn't ugh I was so disappointed :'( But on hindsight, I don't really think he and I are compatible hahaha. He's insanely sporty, the kind who goes for 8km runs at 5AM, etc. Which begs the question: do sporty guys like non sporty girls?? It's not that I'm not sporty, I just hate running but I really do love sports in general. Like actual sports like badminton, volleyball etc, JUST NOT RUNNING. But anyway my EC is also taken and his girlfriend is really sporty, she actually goes on those runs with him... so yup. 

After lunch was wet games and we played games that required the guys to lift the girls a lot which was honestly nerve wracking cause I hate not having my feet on the ground. And my balance sucks which was why I was falling into the water a lot, but the cool sea water was such a welcome respite from the unrelenting heat :) I lost my slippers so many times throughout the day, and I learnt one very important thing: never ever bring a pair of plain black slippers to camp bc EVERYONE ELSE HAS THE EXACT SAME PAIR. Talk about nightmare omg. 

That was about it for day 3, we didn't really have time to shower at the beach so we went back to our individual chalets to have dinner and shower. My OG spent the rest of the night planning out our final day's skit and just talking. By this time I was already pretty exhausted both emotionally and physically so I didn't really have much to say and probably came off as an anti social bitch hahaha idk. 

Day 4

It was finally the day that our SPs were to be revealed to us! We were told to change into our geeky outfits right after breakfast, and the girls were escorted into the chalet while the guys went off to their respective locations. Our OGLs were the ones who "bullied" the guys waiting outside our chalet the most, making them say and do ridiculous things that I won't repeat here haha. But overall I didn't really find the entire thing entertaining, it was way too rushed and messy that I didn't know what was going on half the time. 

To cut the story short.... there were a few good looking guys in my batch, and I honestly though they were going to be my SP, but when they went off one by one with their girls I was left feeling more puzzled and confused than ever, until there were only 3 guys left and I could pretty much figure out who was mine and I was really disappointed hahaha. I was told that my face was really black which I hope wasn't the case because it must have been really awful for my partner haha. When I saw my partner, all my nerves completely disappeared and I became super laid-back and I didn't really make an effort to connect with him at first. Initially I had plans to go on a solo date with my SP, but after the reveal I didn't really want to anymore. We exchanged gifts and he gave me a really cutesy card/ photo holder which is totally not my type (not that I told him that since I only opened his gift after we parted ways). We originally went out of NTU in a huge group of 5 couples, but then we decided to split it 3-2.

We headed to my friend's restaurant for coffee since she was craving it and that whole ordeal was really awkward. I was still caught up in trying to control my emotions from showing on my face and dealing with my disappointment so I wasn't really that into the conversation. My friend also kept disappearing off to the washroom which left me alone with the two guys. What an asshole thing to do btw. But we spent around an hour there waiting for most of the lunch places to open. We left at about 12pm and happened to run into another couple from my OG right outside the cafe, which really was a lifesaver since they made everything less awkward. 

We then proceeded to a Japanese restaurant which was really expensive, but I was feeling really full from the coffee so I didn't get anything to eat. We also decided to watch a movie after the meal since the couple we met were already planning to watch Transformers. I wasn't that keen in the movie since I don't really like such movies but it was a way to pass the time I guess. I was trying so hard not to fall asleep in the movie bc my SP paid for my ticket and I didn't want to waste it. 

By the time we finished the movie it was already almost 4, and since we had to be back at NTU by 4.30, we decided to cab back. All I can say is that it was an utter relief for the date to be over, where I could change out of my outfit and go back to my OG and just trash talk. It was honestly the most relaxed I was throughout the camp, I think the date provided some sort of emotional recharging for me (???) and made me loosen up. It was the one time where I felt free to say anything without being judged and even if I was being judged, I felt like I didn't care. 

The activities that night consisted of Fright Night, where we gathered in a LT and watch a Thai horror movie before being ushered off to the makeshift haunted house in groups of fours. I wasn't really that scared of the horror movie, but I didn't really like my group. The guys were really sweet to us bc they knew we were scared, but the one other girl was an ultimate asshole. She was a million times more scared than me, covering her ears and closing her eyes as she walked into the haunted house, but when the entire thing was over, she talked down to me and acted as if I was the one who was scared out of her wits, when all I did was scream here and there. She then acted as if she wasn't scared at all and acted really close to the guys. By then I was emotionally exhausted (again) so I didn't really say anything and of course everyone around me mistook it for me being so scared or whatever ugh. 

I don't really get how some people can be high all the time without needing time to recharge?? It's like they are forever sociable and energetic, whereas I can only keep it up for a few hours at most before I need a break away from people. It's not that I hate people, it's just that they get too overwhelming sometimes and I just need to b r e a t h e. 

But yeah. We went to a hall somewhere pretty far away to shower and one of the seniors in my OG drove us back to HSS :) After that it was pretty much waiting for the other groups to finish before we gathered in the foyer where there were camping tents set up and we played card games before going to sleep :)

Day 5

The last day of camp was pretty relaxing (at least for my group haha). It was supposed to be an Amazing Race, but we decided to take it easy and take our time going around the stations and have fun instead of rushing. We were all pretty tired by the last day too so it was an unanimous choice. It was the most fun we had as an OG, since we focused on bonding and having fun instead of trying to complete all the stations. 

But even though we were the slowest group, we still ended up back at NTU first! And I think we won the race but I can't be sure hahaha. We had a quick dinner and then focused on planning our cheers for cheer fight in the limited time we had. Cheer fight was alright I guess, our sister OG won and they really deserved it!!! So happy for them. 

But yup that was my whole HSS FOC experience. What do you think?? It took me a whole week to recount it (blame my procrastination haha). Quite a few things are happening in the week ahead, starting with seeing Big Bang tomorrow!!! I'm so excited!!! I'll update again tomorrow hehehe, until then!

❤️always,

hazel

if you

hello everyone!!!!!

It's been a good few weeks of rest, now that I'm not working, weekdays are no different from weekends haha. 

I went to get my nails done at Bugis today, and in total doing my hands and feet cost me $36 in total... which I think is not a bad deal since I got gel nails, but some of my friends don't think it's worth it. Oh well, to each their own haha. I got a dark navy blue with a hint of shimmer and gold and silver specks as a topper. Overall I would say I'm pretty happy with it, although it looks kinda of chunky and thick maybe due to the glitter. OH and when the woman first started painting my nails, the polish looked like a purple instead of a navy blue (it kinda still does at the edges now) and I kinda panicked and almost wanted to ask her to change to another colour, but she insisted that it was the right one that I chose initially. But luckily it turned out to be the right colour after a few coats. Crisis averted :) 

I specially left my nails long since I was going for a manicure, but the woman doing my nails trimmed them and went on to scold me for having short nails after she was done painting. okay then. 

So yessss that's what I got done. I hope it looks alright, I'm awful at taking photos of my nails but I tried my best already hahaha. For my toes I just got a Slytherin green. Yay. I guess I would say that the service at that place is really brief and no frills. It's good if you want a quick mani pedi with the colours/ designs already in mind, because they work really fast. They charge a lot extra if you want designs though, I had to add on an extra $12 just for adding glitter to my hands. Overall I would go back to the place only because it's one of the cheapest that I know of, and not for the quality of the service (what you pay for is what you get I guess haha)

Oh I went to eat Korean BBQ buffet today too! It was pretty good, the beef was amazingly marinated and so mouth watering ugh but I don't think we ate a lot, it's pretty hard to judge but I think we ate about 2 plates of meat at most. Quite pathetic hahaha but there were a lot of good side dishes as well, such as japchae (glass noodles), sweet potato, dukkboki (spicy rice cake) etc. The kimchi pancake wasn't that appetising since it was quite stale though.

My HSS camp starts on Monday and I'm pretty nervous about it. I hope the people there are nice. I got the packing list on Tuesday, which stated that we had to bring along a swim suit among other things ugh. I'm hoping everything will go fine since I don't really like to expose my shoulders. We also had to get a gift for the opposite sex of a value less than $10, so I just got a Starbucks gift card today (wonderful suggestion made by my friend) so I'm pretty relieved to get that out of the way. Other than that, I don't have much to do other than pack (which actually is quite a lot to do, since I have to finish by Sunday night latest). If you read this, please pray that everything goes well!!! I have such high expectations for this camp and I really don't want to be let down :( Furthermore, I don't know anyone else who's going for this camp so I'm pretty anxious about it.

I'll keep you updated :)

❤️always,

Hazel