zutter

I'm so sorry I haven't been updating! Uni has officially started and it's honestly so hectic I can barely find time for myself.

Hall has been amazing so far, I really love my OG but I've been finding it really hard to concentrate on my studies. I know it's just week 1 but I feel like I really need to do a ground check (?) to remind myself of where my priorities lie, because it's impossible to think when I'm in hall (idk if that makes sense). So I'm currently back home writing this and attempting to straighten everything out. 

Some really weird things happened in the last few days and to sum it up, more and more people have been telling me about my one major flaw and although I've kind of known about it all along, I can't help but feel that it's been magnified somehow, and also a little disappointed in myself that I let others see through me so easily. Now that I know about them talking about that flaw, it makes me want to back off and distance myself because I feel like they know too much of me. I'm just gonna be really honest here: My biggest flaw is that I doubt myself too much and I lack confidence.

Despite that, I want to run for JCRC, but there are always lingering thoughts in my head like 'Can I really do this?' 'Will people even vote for me?' 'Do I even stand out enough to appeal to people for their votes?' I think maybe I know where this mentality came from, it came from when I tried so hard in J1 to be part of the exco for my cca but didn't get in, when I "failed" my OCIP interview (I actually didn't but it's a long story), when I didn't make it as an OGL, and the things some people said to/called me. I can trace back the roots of all my flaws to events that occurred in JC, and they're still haunting me to this day and I can't get rid of it. The sucky thing about it is that my past is influencing my future, and I know that shouldn't be the case but I can't help it, I will always think back to those events and the thought of backing off or giving up will always look like the better option. 

So here goes with my priorities. First off will always be studies, which means I really have to do my readings before lectures, prepare for tutorials and pay attention during class. Even if this means I have to miss out on some outings or gatherings, it will all be worth it. Secondly will be my close friends in hall, if they really need anything I'll be there for them no matter what. Lately I've been giving really shitty replies to one of my friends who isn't in NTU and I feel really bad about it. I've been telling her a lot about me and I feel really bad too, but I promise I'll do better :( Thirdly I guess it'll be my commitments such as sports (I hope I get in) and also JCRC if I do get elected. It's been such a long time since I held a key leadership role that I'm not sure I can do it... But I really want to go for it. 

Next week is hella busy. I'm thinking of running some errands on Monday since I don't have class, then on Tuesday there's lessons plus JCRC Q&A after. Wednesday I have double lecture plus badminton trials which I really want to ace. Thursday there's nothing much, then Friday there's 3 tutorials plus JASH after, and on Saturday there's DnD. And I really have a lot of readings to do... I need to step my game up. Exciting but busy week ahead, I just hope I can keep everything under control and stick to my priorities. 

I'll update you soon :) 

❤️always,

hazel

sober

it's hard for me to be sober

Camp is over!!! What an experience it was, filled with up and downs. 

I guess I'm feeling quite empty right now, but it's normal I guess? After all of the emotional highs of the past few days, I finally got a chance to breathe and reflect, and everything comes crashing down. I'm starting to ask myself what I got out of this camp and I don't really have an answer to that. Maybe I'm being too critical but it doesn't seem like I'm very close to any of my group mates, not in the one on one HTHT kind of thing, but it might be too early to tell. I really expected a lot out of my Special Partner too (more about that in detail later) but I already know that it's not going anywhere and I actually really needed it. And I can't help but be envious of others. It's honestly so so so hard to wait. 

Another thing about camp is that I'm the kind of person who needs time alone to recharge every day, but I didn't really get that time in camp. Without that time to recharge, my self esteem just takes a plunge and I start imagining that everyone really hates me and the things that I say are really unentertaining and all that shit ugh. More on that later too.

Y'all know that I had really high expectations of camp, but most of them didn't really get fulfilled. Maybe it was because of sheer luck (or unluckiness) or maybe it was because of me. But I'm gonna try and recount the whole entire experience as best as I can, and you be the judge.

Day 0

We met at Pioneer at 11AM, and I actually miscalculated my ETA and I arrived an hour early and had to walk around to kill time. But when I met up with the others it was expectedly awkward, and all I wanted to do was run away. The girls were nice though, and we started off by talking about really basic things like name, course, previous school etc. We had to wait a little before boarding the bus to NTU. When we got there, we basically played a few ice breaker games before having the camp chairperson/ people (??) introduce themselves to us. We then proceeded to paint our flag, and in case I haven't told you yet, I'm in GAIA!! Yep I didn't really contribute much bc my art and craft skills are horrendous. We were released after learning a few cheers, and I guess the most memorable event of the day was when the fake freshies revealed themselves. One of them actually pretended to flare up over a small forfeit and threaten to fight our GLIC, and another blended in so well haha.

Day 1

We actually divided up according to where we lived the previous day so we could meet up and travel to NTU together. I was supposed to meet the group who lived along the purple line initially, but I ran into another group situated along the Circle Line, so I ended up going with them. The start of camp was really boring as we had to listen to speeches made by our camp sponsors, but I guess it's gonna be quite common from now onwards. We broke for lunch after which was still pretty awkward, but I really tried my best to engage in conversation with my group mates. I was sat with two seniors and another girl from my course, but after talking to that girl, I could tell our personalities didn't really click, but we were both trying hard to talk to each other, which I appreciate. The mini group which I sat with slowly started discovering common topics to talk about which really quelled the awkwardness a lot.

Post lunch came station games located around the campus. I guess the main purpose of this was to help us to get to know the school better and minimise our chances of getting lost once school starts, but honestly I don't think it helped one bit haha. We had various games such as pass the parcel, pass the food item with a designated body part etc. Overall I guess I didn't really enjoy it that much because it all seemed like really common games to be playing, but maybe my expectations have been heightened too much bc of Running Man 😂 Station games took up almost the whole afternoon, and after dinner we were told to change into our disposables in preparation for night activities. 

A bus was chartered for us to get to Pasir Ris, and we stayed around Aloha Loyang in one of the chalets there. For the night activities, we were blindfolded and made to walk in an open field while things like eggs, flour, sweet drinks, honey etc were thrown at us. But the highlight of the night had to be when we were forced to crawl through our leftover dinner which consisted of chicken rice. Thankfully I was pulled out of that since my monthly best friend was currently visiting, but the smell of it was no joke at all. After it ended, the seniors helped us to clean up a little by splashing buckets of water over us, but it was so cold that we all had to huddle together, which was really an experience. We all bonded over our apprehension of not being able to see anything and shivering like mad while waiting for the entire thing to end.

We washed up and split into guys and girls for a night of HTHT, in which we mainly discussed our past/current relationships, played shoot shag marry etc. It was kinda hilarious bc the girls weren't even half done when the guys finished. We talked till around 4AM, with supper and all from the seniors. It was great to get to know the girls a little more, prompting the start of some hopefully long lasting friendships.

Day 2

We started off with field games nearby for our morning activity. The games on the second day were a lot more fun, we had games where we had to thread raffia string through all of our shirts and pass things such as a whole raw chicken, raw octopus etc through everyone's shirts. There was also a game where we had to memorise the ingredients of a range of burgers and form a dog pile in the order of those ingredients. Oh and I found my eye candy on that day! He's insanely muscled and has a really bad boy face (tamed down a lot by his glasses) and just gives off a player vibe entirely. (i'll elaborate more on him later) We had to play wet captain's ball against his OG but they totally trashed us, which is okay since we're supposed to be sister OGs. His OG was just filled with hot guys ugh I'm so jealous of the girls there :( And honestly I feel that I'm better looking than all the girls in that OG (coming from someone with such low self esteem, that's saying something)

After heading back to our chalets to change into swim wear for pool day, we went to Pasir Ris pool and had lunch there. That's when my EC sat next to me (well okay we were separated by the aisle) but I was starstruck and couldn't really say anything. But it's alright I had plenty of time to admire his side profile ;) I didn't really participate in the games bc my red sea was still raging, but it didn't seem like I missed out much anyway, since the proggies were all pretty confused themselves and the games only required a few to participate at any one time. But it was so hot omg it would have been so nice to just go into the water even if I didn't get to play. I had time to bond with two of my Senior Attached and we shared our ECs and fangirled over them, and I think that was the most enjoyable part of my day haha. At the end we had a mass game where we were paired up with our sister OGs and we had to transport as many people as possible from one end of the pool to the other using inflatable floats. My EC was one of the lead swimmers and ugh he is so strong omg. While he was resting he happened to stop right in front of where I was standing cheering for our OGs and those freaking back muscles ughhhhhh WHY. He's just so wow and I'm just so meh.

Anyway after pool games wrapped we took public transport back to our chalet and ordered pizza for dinner. It was a pretty rushed dinner as some of the seniors came back and our OGLs had to entertain them, and there was also the night activity to prepare for. We had something called a Special Partner (SPs) assigned to each of us, completely by random, although those assigning would try their best to match heights and relationship statuses (here called traffic light colour). The girls would then be blindfolded and staying in their respective chalets, while the guys would be blindfolded as well and sent out to different chalets to find their SPs. We were told not to divulge our real names and OGs, and we were even given code names; mine was Victoria and my partner's was Beckham. So I guess from those codenames I was already expecting a pretty good looking partner. My senior even told me that my partner's physique was really good and he was the best catch out of all of them so my expectations were raised even higher... if that was even possible. 

We had to wait pretty long before our partners arrived, and when they finally did, we were made to hold hands. We talked about the basics such as previous schools, hobbies, etc. My partner was made to sing to me and I was quite impressed with his voice, although I was a little puzzled at his small hands. We were made to play the pocky game a few times and our lips brushed once or twice, and honestly I got really high off of it, since in my mind he was this insanely hot guy. Things ended quite soon and I was a little sad for him to leave.

After that we had our HTHTs with girls and guys respectively, and we all shared about our SPs. There's nothing much to say I guess hahaha just that I was really expecting my partner to turn out exactly as I wanted. 

Day 3

Day 3 was beach day! We started out with a chartered bus to Sentosa and when we got there, we had some impromptu cheer battle, and a short briefing on safety before starting out with dry games. First up was a game where we had to lie down in the sand and pass ingredients of a sandwich using our mouths, following which our GLIC had to eat the entire thing. There were really gross things like peanut butter, jam, pickles etc. The spreads were impossible to pass without dropping them in the sand so I have no idea how we managed to get it to the finish line haha. Following that we had other games which I can't really remember but yeah, it was pretty fun. 

We broke for lunch and had it with our sister OG yay! But unfortunately I didn't get to talk to my EC ugh he was across the circle from me. We actually had to play a game where we had to switch places before lunch, and he ALMOST ended up beside me but didn't ugh I was so disappointed :'( But on hindsight, I don't really think he and I are compatible hahaha. He's insanely sporty, the kind who goes for 8km runs at 5AM, etc. Which begs the question: do sporty guys like non sporty girls?? It's not that I'm not sporty, I just hate running but I really do love sports in general. Like actual sports like badminton, volleyball etc, JUST NOT RUNNING. But anyway my EC is also taken and his girlfriend is really sporty, she actually goes on those runs with him... so yup. 

After lunch was wet games and we played games that required the guys to lift the girls a lot which was honestly nerve wracking cause I hate not having my feet on the ground. And my balance sucks which was why I was falling into the water a lot, but the cool sea water was such a welcome respite from the unrelenting heat :) I lost my slippers so many times throughout the day, and I learnt one very important thing: never ever bring a pair of plain black slippers to camp bc EVERYONE ELSE HAS THE EXACT SAME PAIR. Talk about nightmare omg. 

That was about it for day 3, we didn't really have time to shower at the beach so we went back to our individual chalets to have dinner and shower. My OG spent the rest of the night planning out our final day's skit and just talking. By this time I was already pretty exhausted both emotionally and physically so I didn't really have much to say and probably came off as an anti social bitch hahaha idk. 

Day 4

It was finally the day that our SPs were to be revealed to us! We were told to change into our geeky outfits right after breakfast, and the girls were escorted into the chalet while the guys went off to their respective locations. Our OGLs were the ones who "bullied" the guys waiting outside our chalet the most, making them say and do ridiculous things that I won't repeat here haha. But overall I didn't really find the entire thing entertaining, it was way too rushed and messy that I didn't know what was going on half the time. 

To cut the story short.... there were a few good looking guys in my batch, and I honestly though they were going to be my SP, but when they went off one by one with their girls I was left feeling more puzzled and confused than ever, until there were only 3 guys left and I could pretty much figure out who was mine and I was really disappointed hahaha. I was told that my face was really black which I hope wasn't the case because it must have been really awful for my partner haha. When I saw my partner, all my nerves completely disappeared and I became super laid-back and I didn't really make an effort to connect with him at first. Initially I had plans to go on a solo date with my SP, but after the reveal I didn't really want to anymore. We exchanged gifts and he gave me a really cutesy card/ photo holder which is totally not my type (not that I told him that since I only opened his gift after we parted ways). We originally went out of NTU in a huge group of 5 couples, but then we decided to split it 3-2.

We headed to my friend's restaurant for coffee since she was craving it and that whole ordeal was really awkward. I was still caught up in trying to control my emotions from showing on my face and dealing with my disappointment so I wasn't really that into the conversation. My friend also kept disappearing off to the washroom which left me alone with the two guys. What an asshole thing to do btw. But we spent around an hour there waiting for most of the lunch places to open. We left at about 12pm and happened to run into another couple from my OG right outside the cafe, which really was a lifesaver since they made everything less awkward. 

We then proceeded to a Japanese restaurant which was really expensive, but I was feeling really full from the coffee so I didn't get anything to eat. We also decided to watch a movie after the meal since the couple we met were already planning to watch Transformers. I wasn't that keen in the movie since I don't really like such movies but it was a way to pass the time I guess. I was trying so hard not to fall asleep in the movie bc my SP paid for my ticket and I didn't want to waste it. 

By the time we finished the movie it was already almost 4, and since we had to be back at NTU by 4.30, we decided to cab back. All I can say is that it was an utter relief for the date to be over, where I could change out of my outfit and go back to my OG and just trash talk. It was honestly the most relaxed I was throughout the camp, I think the date provided some sort of emotional recharging for me (???) and made me loosen up. It was the one time where I felt free to say anything without being judged and even if I was being judged, I felt like I didn't care. 

The activities that night consisted of Fright Night, where we gathered in a LT and watch a Thai horror movie before being ushered off to the makeshift haunted house in groups of fours. I wasn't really that scared of the horror movie, but I didn't really like my group. The guys were really sweet to us bc they knew we were scared, but the one other girl was an ultimate asshole. She was a million times more scared than me, covering her ears and closing her eyes as she walked into the haunted house, but when the entire thing was over, she talked down to me and acted as if I was the one who was scared out of her wits, when all I did was scream here and there. She then acted as if she wasn't scared at all and acted really close to the guys. By then I was emotionally exhausted (again) so I didn't really say anything and of course everyone around me mistook it for me being so scared or whatever ugh. 

I don't really get how some people can be high all the time without needing time to recharge?? It's like they are forever sociable and energetic, whereas I can only keep it up for a few hours at most before I need a break away from people. It's not that I hate people, it's just that they get too overwhelming sometimes and I just need to b r e a t h e. 

But yeah. We went to a hall somewhere pretty far away to shower and one of the seniors in my OG drove us back to HSS :) After that it was pretty much waiting for the other groups to finish before we gathered in the foyer where there were camping tents set up and we played card games before going to sleep :)

Day 5

The last day of camp was pretty relaxing (at least for my group haha). It was supposed to be an Amazing Race, but we decided to take it easy and take our time going around the stations and have fun instead of rushing. We were all pretty tired by the last day too so it was an unanimous choice. It was the most fun we had as an OG, since we focused on bonding and having fun instead of trying to complete all the stations. 

But even though we were the slowest group, we still ended up back at NTU first! And I think we won the race but I can't be sure hahaha. We had a quick dinner and then focused on planning our cheers for cheer fight in the limited time we had. Cheer fight was alright I guess, our sister OG won and they really deserved it!!! So happy for them. 

But yup that was my whole HSS FOC experience. What do you think?? It took me a whole week to recount it (blame my procrastination haha). Quite a few things are happening in the week ahead, starting with seeing Big Bang tomorrow!!! I'm so excited!!! I'll update again tomorrow hehehe, until then!

❤️always,

hazel

if you

hello everyone!!!!!

It's been a good few weeks of rest, now that I'm not working, weekdays are no different from weekends haha. 

I went to get my nails done at Bugis today, and in total doing my hands and feet cost me $36 in total... which I think is not a bad deal since I got gel nails, but some of my friends don't think it's worth it. Oh well, to each their own haha. I got a dark navy blue with a hint of shimmer and gold and silver specks as a topper. Overall I would say I'm pretty happy with it, although it looks kinda of chunky and thick maybe due to the glitter. OH and when the woman first started painting my nails, the polish looked like a purple instead of a navy blue (it kinda still does at the edges now) and I kinda panicked and almost wanted to ask her to change to another colour, but she insisted that it was the right one that I chose initially. But luckily it turned out to be the right colour after a few coats. Crisis averted :) 

I specially left my nails long since I was going for a manicure, but the woman doing my nails trimmed them and went on to scold me for having short nails after she was done painting. okay then. 

So yessss that's what I got done. I hope it looks alright, I'm awful at taking photos of my nails but I tried my best already hahaha. For my toes I just got a Slytherin green. Yay. I guess I would say that the service at that place is really brief and no frills. It's good if you want a quick mani pedi with the colours/ designs already in mind, because they work really fast. They charge a lot extra if you want designs though, I had to add on an extra $12 just for adding glitter to my hands. Overall I would go back to the place only because it's one of the cheapest that I know of, and not for the quality of the service (what you pay for is what you get I guess haha)

Oh I went to eat Korean BBQ buffet today too! It was pretty good, the beef was amazingly marinated and so mouth watering ugh but I don't think we ate a lot, it's pretty hard to judge but I think we ate about 2 plates of meat at most. Quite pathetic hahaha but there were a lot of good side dishes as well, such as japchae (glass noodles), sweet potato, dukkboki (spicy rice cake) etc. The kimchi pancake wasn't that appetising since it was quite stale though.

My HSS camp starts on Monday and I'm pretty nervous about it. I hope the people there are nice. I got the packing list on Tuesday, which stated that we had to bring along a swim suit among other things ugh. I'm hoping everything will go fine since I don't really like to expose my shoulders. We also had to get a gift for the opposite sex of a value less than $10, so I just got a Starbucks gift card today (wonderful suggestion made by my friend) so I'm pretty relieved to get that out of the way. Other than that, I don't have much to do other than pack (which actually is quite a lot to do, since I have to finish by Sunday night latest). If you read this, please pray that everything goes well!!! I have such high expectations for this camp and I really don't want to be let down :( Furthermore, I don't know anyone else who's going for this camp so I'm pretty anxious about it.

I'll keep you updated :)

❤️always,

Hazel

gotta talk to you

Hello everyone!!!! I hope you've been well, it's been a week since I last updated but not much has happened.

Now that I'm officially unemployed again, my days pass by so fast in a blur of laziness, which I can't exactly say is bad ;) I went to cut and dye my hair too, something which I've been wanting to do for a long time since my roots were beginning to show. I caught Jurassic World in 3D as well, and did you know that Shaw doesn't loan out 3D glasses anymore? You have to buy your own for $2 a pair. I guess it's worth it though, since you only have to buy it once and it's a lot more hygienic. But we basically got them for free though since students get a $2 discount on tickets.

On to the movie itself: it was so awful! (read: amazingly cool but so intensely scary). There were some primary school ish boys in the same row, and I'm ashamed to say that they weren't scared at all whereas I was clutching at my friend's hand for dear life. But the adults behind me screamed at some scenes, so I guess I didn't do too badly.

UM if you're not scared of this badass popping out of your screen randomly while roaring like hell then idk man. Not to mention the crunching and screaming whenever someone gets eaten

But overall, it was good. For the effects and the animation (i don't think this is the right word to use here but) but the overall plot was just a huge "this is not a good idea" and "hoe don't do it" right from the beginning. But I enjoyed it nevertheless.

On a more serious note, I stumbled across an old friend's blog the past week, and I found some old posts that were made right when we were going through a rough patch. I guess naturally we all tend to tell the story from our point of view, and that can be really inaccurate sometimes. But I got all annoyed at the way she described things and- I won't go into detail. It was almost a year ago, and I've moved on. But the whole time I was reading her blog I just

So yeah. 

Oh I got called up by my fac camp group leader today!!!!! It was hilarious bc I was actually pranked (like all the other members in my group, as I soon found out). The call started out with the caller (a guy) introducing himself to be from NUS psych, and asking if he could do a survey on me, and that I had a chance of winning a $30 shopping voucher. So I agreed, and his first question was: What kind of trait do you look for in a partner? I was caught pretty off guard by that and to be honest, I couldn't think of ANY trait. And it didn't help that I was browsing through pics of GD atm. So after much hemming and hawing I finally answered honesty, and a sense of humour. 

The second question was as follows: How high would you rate looks and attractiveness in a guy? From a scale of 1-10. I answered honestly like 6-7, which is a pretty safe answer I feel? Idk man as long as the guy appeals to my standards, I'm good. And it's pretty hard to rate whether someone has high or low standards, but I've been told that my taste in guys are not that good.

Third q: If you found out that your boyfriend has a small dick, would you dump him? To which I said no, since I have to look at him as a whole person and not just judge based on his size or whatever. Ugh I was seriously stuttering so bad here bc the qns were getting so inappropriate and I considered hanging up. And finally, the last q: Would you want a bf with a long dick or a thick dick?

Omg dealbreaker. Obviously I wasn't about to choose between the two, since the politically correct answer would be "I don't choose my bf based on dick size." And that's just what I said since at that point in time I obviously knew this wasn't a real survey and it was some kind of prank. Then I was congratulated for passing the test and that I was offered a place in the HSS camp.

Wow talk about speechless. I mean I knew it was a prank of sorts, but I didn't expect it to be from my group leaders hahaha. So I was given some pretty basic details about my grouping and stuff which I don't really remember haha but I do remember that my camp group is called Gaia!!!!! I was asked to send an unglam selfie of myself, which I did ugh I hope I didn't scare anyone off, and I was added to a chat group with all my group members.

Which cues my earlier anxieties that developed over the past two years. I have a fear of talking in group chats with people I don't really know (long story) mainly bc I'm scared of being ganged up on or ignored. But recently I'm trying to live by this logic: It's only awkward if you make it so. So I'm gonna try my best not to make things awkward, 'cause it's almost always in my imagination. 

Yup that pretty much sums up my week. I have my health checkup at NTU tomorrow, so I'll let you guys know how that goes as well. Hope you all have a fantastic week ahead!!! (no monday blues for me finally ;))

❤️ always,

Hazel

니가 뭔데

Finally it's my last day of work!!!!!!!! ahhhhh I'm so happy and relieved that it's over.

Nothing much happened at work today, I was mostly just clearing up my stuff and tying up loose ends. So it's safe to say I didn't really have much to do and just sat at my desk playing quizup (not so secretly) and texting.

Lunch was awful though. I had a farewell lunch with most of my team members and they are all awful. They're the kind of people who will smile while insulting you and laugh while making jokes at your expense. All I can say is that they made me feel so so so intimidated (and it's not just bc of the huge age gap) that I can't seem to say anything but the same few sentences again and again. Ugh. I really felt like a potato sitting there and smiling along, and they made me feel really inept and unsociable. I had some really insensitive comments thrown my way but I tried my best to ignore them (bc really, what could I do?) and a lot of questions asking me where I'm headed for uni. 

To be honest it's not that I don't want to share with them. It's just that, uni becomes the only topic they can talk to me about, and it's tiring. I'm way more than my future school/course/job, can't you find something else to talk to me about? I guess maybe it's an easy topic which doesn't require much effort. Well then I guess I won't put in that much effort into our conversation then, sounds fair doesn't it? 

As much as I've complained about the awful people at my job (those who are rude as hell, ungrateful, etc) there are some nice people I've met and I'm truly thankful for this opportunity. We all meet undesirable people in life no matter where we go, but what's important is that we have those few people to support us and share our burdens. And really, even though it doesn't change anything at all, everything is so much better :) I've learnt so many things over the past six months. 

One of them is to always be careful about what you say, bc word travels far and fast. And once you say something, you can't take it back or change it. People in the workplace aren't always what they seem. In fact, the only two mothers in my team are the least motherly of them all. They don't know how to treat others as they would like to be treated, have no sense of respect, and feel that they are superior above all. But I don't see why they have to be mean to those younger than them. Everyone you meet is someone else's flesh and blood, and I'm sure it would kill them inside to know that they are being mistreated by someone older than them, when they should be taken care of instead. 

I've really learnt a lot about an office job. Originally I thought it was easy, all I had to do was sit there and do whatever was assigned to me, but there's so much more than that. Personal affairs become mixed up with work, and you can't do anything but ignore it on the surface and pretend it doesn't exist for the sake of being professional. Precisely the reason why I was so hesitant to get close to anyone at work, because I thought it was risky mixing business with pleasure. I still am cautious, to be honest because I don't know where the line is drawn, and I think it would be best to err on the side of caution and never approach that line ever, wherever it's drawn. (did that make sense?) 

I don't really know what to do with your number. Would I ever have a reason to use it? And I don't want to be the first one to message (but in this situation the opposite is impossible since you gave me yours) because I don't really know what we would talk about. Yet I don't really want to just drop it either because I feel like you gave it to me for a reason, just that I don't really know what it is? You said "If you need anything, just ask." What does that even mean? Like advice, or something? Ugh I don't know. The generation/age gap between us makes it really hard for me to relate to you. 

So I guess that's about it for this week? I had to cancel my Korea trip :( but the good news is that we're getting an almost full refund :)) Nothing much coming up in the next few weeks other than some me time (FINALLY), settling my mountain load of uni stuff, my NTU health check up, HSS camp (hopefully?? I have yet to receive any news about it ugh) and some other plans. I'll keep you posted!!

❤️always, 

Hazel

After all this time...?

I can't believe I'm back here again. It's been a long time, everyone. 3 years, to be exact. I was kinda reminded of my old blog by a friend who still blogs faithfully every now and then, and something kinda happened recently which made me come back here.

To my surprise, I read all my old blog posts, and as angsty as they were, I found them immensely relatable. Never mind that I have changed irrevocably as a person, but when I read my posts, everything felt right. The old me managed to describe everything the new me was going through to perfection. Kinda strange huh? I'm surprised too.

So let me talk a little bit about the past 4 years which have gone by... I guess I left off when I was in Sec 3, about to go on to Sec 4. From what I can remember, Sec 4 was a mostly uneventful year, but I'm thankful for it because I managed to find a group of close friends to get through O level year with :) The year flew by in a blur of notes, notes and more notes, and I took my O's and graduated I guess. Did a little worse than expected, but it was enough to get me to Catholic Junior College. And here comes the fun part.

There's a lot to say about my two years in CJC. I'll start at the beginning: orientation. I was put into an orientation group which wasn't very fun (no offence, I'm not fun either but whatever) but I did manage to find a clique within that group that I fit in well with. But that lasted a few mere months as a huge misunderstanding (it was kinda my fault I guess) caused them to turn on me and thus went the downhill of my life in CJ. I guess I could have recovered from that, but at that point in time I was too self absorbed in righteously defending myself that I stumbled on blindly and made things worse.

My class wasn't that great either. It was majority boys and only 6 out of 24 were girls. I became fast friends with two of them and we used to call ourselves the Queens (yes, lame I know) but looking back now, I really enjoyed my time with them, they made things better :) But I was also bullied to a certain extent (not that I'll ever admit this to anyone else) by the guys in my class. I won't repeat what they said and did to me because it's too painful, but they really made my J1 year hell. My so called friends didn't stick up for me, either leaving me to fend off their harsh comments or sometimes even laughing along at their sharp and well aimed barbs. I felt hurt, obviously, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn't ditch the friends I currently had, because then I would be alone. And at that point in time, or maybe even now still, I'm scared of being alone.

I made some pretty stupid mistakes in my J1 year. One which cost me one of my closest friends who used to be my unfailing listening ear. Another mistake which caused me so much heartbreak and self esteem issues, contributing to my anxiety and social issues now. I honestly tried so hard to please others, thinking that it would get me into their good books but it did nothing but turn me into a doormat, to be stepped all over.

So J2 year came and being the year of the dreaded As, we all bucked up. Or at least, the girls. Things went well for the first few weeks, until I realised that one of the two girls whom I was close to had been betraying me all along. I won't mention how. But, following the pact I had made for myself during the holidays, (Hang out with people who make you happy.) I proceeded to cut off all contact with her. Looking back now, I guess that was kind of over reacting? This caused my one remaining friend (I'll refer to her as B from now on) in the class to feel obliged to take sides. At first she didn't really mind, but then she grew to dislike the backstabbing friend and support me more. But every now and then she would voice out how she felt guilty about ignoring that friend and obviously I would be enraged and stop her from talking about it further. I guess she finally reached her breaking point one day and made up with the backstabbing friend, and continued to be friends with us both. At first I was angry, but after a while I realised it was unreasonable. She had the right to be friends with whoever she wanted. So I let it slide and this continued to the middle of the year (i think?)

As mid years drew near, I kinda retreated from my class. My only friend and the backstabber were always together, and since I couldn't hang out with my friend if they were together, I had no one. Thankfully I still had my CCA friends, whom to this day I still keep in contact with. I studied with them, ate with them, and even skipped class with them (please don't do this it's more trouble than it's worth). So naturally I began to drift away from them and my class. I assured myself that I wasn't secluding myself/ being secluded, I was merely choosing to take a step back from all the messy politics and focus on my studies. But of course I would still maintain friendly contact with B because I had to, if not I would truly be alone. But that left me feely immensely precarious and I longed for a stable group of friends whom I didn't need to pretend with, or put up with.

As the famous saying goes, "Things will get worse before they get better", I still remember the event in which everything went from bad to worse. It was sports day, and I resigned myself to spending it with my CCA friends not only because of my current situation, but also because I had a lot of duties to cover. My actions made B very upset, although she did not make this clear to me. I only found out at another event soon after, the Think Career Fair. Once again, I was swamped with responsibilities for this event, being the lead writer and even having to cover someone else's duties. Which meant I could not attend the talks I had previously signed up for months ago with B, but had to attend them with my CCA friends instead. Obviously she took this the wrong way, for she cut off all contact with me and immediately ganged up with the other girls against me. I tried to explain things to her but she wouldn't reply to my messages at all. At this point obviously I was more than pissed off, what with being so stressed out with all my extra duties and studies on the side. So I guess I just left it.

We were still sitting next to each other in class, but we were so painfully silent. Everything changed when she requested for a seat change one day, and I was hurt because that meant everyone in the class would know. Hell, maybe they already knew about it. It's a little fuzzy, all I can remember is that everyone took her side. I was moved next to K instead, and we kinda had this weird thing that I wouldn't exactly call a friendship. It was more like a mutual dependence on each other. But I guess I do have to be grateful to him because he was the closest thing to a friend in my class during those last few months leading up to the A's, even though he was clearly using me, I couldn't blame him because I was using him as well. I was more than a little upset at B's various tactics to portray herself as the victim, but I told myself that it was the crucial period and I wouldn't let it affect me. I had more important things to focus on.

It was a few weeks before prelims when B suddenly approached me and asked if we could talk. Being my usual self, who can't say no to anyone, I agreed and we talked for about half an hour. It was then that she finally revealed to me why she cut off all contact with me those months ago: because she felt like she was my second choice. In other words, she resented my CCA friends. Obviously I was incredulously beyond words at that point in time, and I (stupidly) apologised and admitted I was wrong, although in my head I wanted to curse and swear and yell out how wronged I was. Remember how I said she had the right to have her own friends? Well so did I, and who was she to berate me about placing her as second choice when she was the one who left me alone?

I guess I was too tired to explain myself properly. I did voice out my thoughts to her in the subsequent talks that we had, but I don't think it really worked. Eventually I said to her straight, "Prelims are next week. I don't want to deal with this now because I have already accepted what happened between us, and doing this would only dredge up all that emotional turmoil which I worked so hard to move past." And that was it. Subsequently we became little more than hi bye friends, which is totally fine with me.

Wow after that huge chunk... I can't believe that much happened in two years. And that was the heavily summarised version too, be it due to my inconsistent memory, or just because I don't want to be too long winded (I think I already failed at that). But I'm moving on to a new chapter in my life and I just want to say some things to some people.

B: I don't think I can ever forgive you for what you did to me, and how you made me feel. I may forget, but I don't think I can forgive. I'm a little sad that we ended up total strangers again but at least I got to see your true colours. But I still wish you well wherever you're heading next.

N: Your social inadequacy hasn't caused you much trouble yet, but it will in the years to come. I thought you could be trusted, only to find out that you have no idea which things need to be kept private.

C: I wasted a lot of time and tears over you. You made me doubt myself, even made me say "I'm not good enough for him" numerous times. You made me shy away from being myself for fear of being judged. And you took advantage of the fact that I craved your attention and approval to boost your own ego. And I hate you for that.

A: Thank you for being there for me when I needed it. You were never tired of hearing my problems and became my study buddy in the last few months. I will never forget how we skipped class together and got into some major trouble that we were so worried about we couldn't study. Even though we're headed different ways, I hope we'll still be in touch.

K: I only got to know you better in our last year, but you have been a great friend who's never afraid to tell it like it is. You've told me my bad points straight to my face a few times, something which I will never be able to do and I admire you for that. I'm kinda excited to start the next chapter in my life with you, and I hope we'll become closer :)

Q: Last but not least, thank you for being my crutch. I'll admit that I used you to get me through my last year and it was enough. Those short bursts of instant happiness you gave me only made me want more, and sometimes it was distracting. But most of the time it was a life saver. It's only now that I look back and realise that I was just using you all along. But it's alright. You never knew, and it was all one sided anyway.

B, T, T: Thank you for being like a group of sisters to me. Being able to go out with you all and pour my worries out made me feel so much better, and to B and T, thank you for walking this A level journey with me. To B in particular, you have always been there when I'm in need of reassurance, I'm so thankful for your never ending patience and ever lasting sunshine.

I guess I can finally close that chapter in my life as I look forward to the next one :)

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps - Proverbs 16:9

❤️ always,
Hazel