1AM

missing someone/ something is so hard.

I miss last night already. Even though I was really far away from the stage, I still felt the boys' stage presence and it was enough. I seriously just danced my heart out last night without regard of anyone judging me, and if you know me that's pretty hard for me to achieve. I just miss that feeling of being so carefree and caught up in the moment.

Last night, my life and Big Bang's met at a single event, if that made any sense. After last night, we each went back to doing our own thing and going about our own lives, and maybe it's part of the post concert blues but to feel so distant from them after they were just a few hundred metres away from me is really something that hits hard. I think many of you who've gone to concerts have experienced this before, albeit to a lesser degree. It's like two lines converging towards each other and meeting at a point, but then continuing away from each other, never to meet again. I'm thankful that we shared a common event, but at the same time sad because I want them in my life. 

TOP posted about post concert blues/ loneliness too, and it's comforting in a way to know that celebrities do experience something similar.  I've never thought about it before, but after both TOP and GD shared about their feelings of loneliness and emptiness after a concert, it's kind of reassuring to know that they feel this way too and that I'm not alone. After seeing pictures of GD and Seungri entertaining various groups of people despite looking really tired after their first concert in SG, I feel really sorry for them, since it's not something they can turn down. It's basically a business natured meeting cloaked in a social setting. 

But anyway. Yesterday was really amazing. I'll admit that leading up to the concert I was distracted by everything that was going on around me, mainly uni stuff. So I wasn't really able to concentrate on being excited for it, but as we were waiting to see the boys go into the stadium/ enter the venue itself, I just forgot about all of those things and focused on seeing them live. I saw all of them enter the stadium, but it was pretty rushed, we only caught a 2 second glimpse of them, and they didn't even wave or smile at us, which was quite a disappointment. 

After we saw them enter, it was around 3.30pm, so we headed to the nearby Cheers to get drinks since we weren't allowed to bring in our own. We hung out and chatted and people watched for a while till around 4.15pm, before we decided to head to our east entrance to see if there was a queue. Luckily we did, as there was already a long line of people waiting to enter the venue when the doors only opened at 5pm. The security was really strict about not having cameras or tablets with us, even conducting a bag check before we were allowed in. I hid my camera and my friend's iPad in the back compartment of my kanken, and we both got a heart attack when the old man in charge of checking my bag felt around the back of my bag. We both thought we were going to get caught when he paused for a while after feeling around, but in the end he just let us proceed. 

We were still relatively early when we found our seats, so we just chilled for a while and took some selfies while enjoying the music they played beforehand. I also saw a pretty cool commercial (???) of Taeyang and CL which I've never seen before, but I don't really know what it's for since it didn't really feature a single product enough for it to be a commercial. At first we thought that the stadium was pretty empty, but little by little it began filling up, I really pitied the mosh pit people. Having been in one myself, I would say that it's fun but also really tiring and sweaty at the same time. We had to wait for quite a while before the boys finally came out, but when it was time, whole atmosphere just intensified, and I'll never forget that feeling of anticipation and elation at finally seeing them come out. 

It was really intense from the start, and I won't go into detail of every song cause that would be really boring hahaha. But seeing the entire sea of yellow blinking lights, I felt really privileged to be there, and I felt like I actually belonged to some sort of family, even though I was quite new to Big Bang. Seeing everyone there united for a common purpose really made me feel at ease and maybe that's part of the reason why I was able to just let go and enjoy myself. 

The song I enjoyed the most was probably Good Boy, and also Crooked! To me those were the songs that I danced to the most, and the feeling of just dancing for the sake of it and not caring about others judging you is the best feeling ever :) I'm trying to pick up dance now, but it's gonna be a long time before I ever get to experience that haha. The boys were all doing their best for us, which I really appreciate since they had to be tired. Seungri's voice was really almost gone, but he still continued shouting and entertaining us because he wanted us to enjoy ourselves. I'm really thankful to them for making me forget about everything even just for a few hours, for making me able to dance and scream and jump without fear of being judged. 

The concert ended really quickly, and I left with my friend to the loading bay in hopes of catching them on their way out. We waited for almost an hour before giving up, and luckily too, since we learned later that TOP, Taeyang and Daesung only left 2 hours after the concert ended, whereas GD and Seungri had left via another entrance. We cabbed to nex and had a later supper before heading home. 

I don't think I'm done with feeling empty yet. It's just that reality has come rushing in, especially since I got the result of my hall application in NTU today. I didn't get what I wanted at all, and it's freaking me out since once again, I'm not in control. I'm trying not to overthink but it's so difficult when there are so many things at risk. I miss when things were so simple like back in JC. It may not have been an easy time, but compared to now, I definitely had less things to worry about. It's just really hard to believe that God has arranged things in this manner for a reason, and it's easier to believe that things would be easier if I had my way and things went according to my plan instead of His. But I guess that's faith right? I'm not really there yet. 

I just signed up for hall camp today. The activities seem similar to what we did in HSS FOC, and I'm hoping I can get in and my OG will be good haha. It's probably a bad idea to get my hopes up again, but if you see this, please keep your fingers crossed for me? It's new territory for me, and this time I don't think I have room for mistakes anymore. 

There's so little time before school starts. I basically only have this week left and even so, there's a lot of things that need to be settled and I'm tired just thinking about it. I just want to go back to last night, where I had no worries and expectations. 

miss you :'(

❤️always,

hazel