zutter

I'm so sorry I haven't been updating! Uni has officially started and it's honestly so hectic I can barely find time for myself.

Hall has been amazing so far, I really love my OG but I've been finding it really hard to concentrate on my studies. I know it's just week 1 but I feel like I really need to do a ground check (?) to remind myself of where my priorities lie, because it's impossible to think when I'm in hall (idk if that makes sense). So I'm currently back home writing this and attempting to straighten everything out. 

Some really weird things happened in the last few days and to sum it up, more and more people have been telling me about my one major flaw and although I've kind of known about it all along, I can't help but feel that it's been magnified somehow, and also a little disappointed in myself that I let others see through me so easily. Now that I know about them talking about that flaw, it makes me want to back off and distance myself because I feel like they know too much of me. I'm just gonna be really honest here: My biggest flaw is that I doubt myself too much and I lack confidence.

Despite that, I want to run for JCRC, but there are always lingering thoughts in my head like 'Can I really do this?' 'Will people even vote for me?' 'Do I even stand out enough to appeal to people for their votes?' I think maybe I know where this mentality came from, it came from when I tried so hard in J1 to be part of the exco for my cca but didn't get in, when I "failed" my OCIP interview (I actually didn't but it's a long story), when I didn't make it as an OGL, and the things some people said to/called me. I can trace back the roots of all my flaws to events that occurred in JC, and they're still haunting me to this day and I can't get rid of it. The sucky thing about it is that my past is influencing my future, and I know that shouldn't be the case but I can't help it, I will always think back to those events and the thought of backing off or giving up will always look like the better option. 

So here goes with my priorities. First off will always be studies, which means I really have to do my readings before lectures, prepare for tutorials and pay attention during class. Even if this means I have to miss out on some outings or gatherings, it will all be worth it. Secondly will be my close friends in hall, if they really need anything I'll be there for them no matter what. Lately I've been giving really shitty replies to one of my friends who isn't in NTU and I feel really bad about it. I've been telling her a lot about me and I feel really bad too, but I promise I'll do better :( Thirdly I guess it'll be my commitments such as sports (I hope I get in) and also JCRC if I do get elected. It's been such a long time since I held a key leadership role that I'm not sure I can do it... But I really want to go for it. 

Next week is hella busy. I'm thinking of running some errands on Monday since I don't have class, then on Tuesday there's lessons plus JCRC Q&A after. Wednesday I have double lecture plus badminton trials which I really want to ace. Thursday there's nothing much, then Friday there's 3 tutorials plus JASH after, and on Saturday there's DnD. And I really have a lot of readings to do... I need to step my game up. Exciting but busy week ahead, I just hope I can keep everything under control and stick to my priorities. 

I'll update you soon :) 

❤️always,

hazel