you were everything, everything that i wanted.

Day 18 sucks. I just realised I lost two of the most influential people in my life recently, and it sucks. One walked out on her own, and the other one was never there in the first place. Either way I can't bring them back ever again, and I'm not ever going back.

I didn't blog for 2 days. Sorry! I was just super busy. I just finished my commonwealth essay and I'm like 450 over the limit, but who cares. It's better to have extra than to cut and make it abrupt and awkward right? And who ever heard of novels/stories having word limits? Authors don't have to work with word limits, I don't see the need for them. They make my life difficult :( Okay. I haven't designed the retard cupcake shirt yet. But that can wait, it's not even April yet. haha procrastination at it's best. It's about 1 AM now but sleep can wait. That's what I think at night, but in the morning it's a whole different story.

but the truth, is that i really miss.

I think I'm gonna call it a day. No wait, more like morning.

♥ always, hazel.

happy 60th post!

This is officially my 60th post! yayyy. It's been a long way from back where I started and things have changed considerably. I want to thank you if you're reading this and have been with me from the start, thank you for putting up with my bi-polarness. Alternatively, you can always click that red cross button on the top right if you ever get sick of it, and for mac users, the red dot on the top left hand corner. Please don't, though? :) Stay a while :)

Tomorrow is... killer. Physics, Biology, Chemistry. All in a row, all in a day. Kill me now. At least physics is okay because the teacher makes stuff fun. Bio is just irritating. Chem is... everlasting. haha. And i realised I can do log! Just that I don't want to most of the time. Alpha beta is bettaaa. get it? hahaha.

hey baby, i think i wanna marry you.

So I think I said yes. Maybe I'll succeed in loosening up and be the usual hyper crazy that I am when I'm in school with the usual people. If only, but i'll try my best, i promise. The fact that someone won't be there helps a lot. LOOOOOOOSEN UP, HAZEL.

i think i wanna marry you!

That song is catchy. I don't like Bruno Mars but it's an exception. I'm proud to say I've never listened to Just the Way You Are in it's entirety before. I think it's so cliche and overplayed on the radio. Cheesyyy. haha. Anyway, it;s day 15, what can i say? 25%ish. We'll see :)

♥ always,

hazel

Accept or decline?

Okay so I didn't blog yesterday. Or maybe I did. Just not here. I think I deproved to like 20%. Is it something to do with what day it is today? No, it's not FRIDAYFRIDAYFRIDAY. I realised how not worth it it is and from now on I will never never never never be that excited again. What for when other people don't take it seriously? & I have worked it out. I need a safety net if I ever decide that I will try again because i'm too afraid of free falling like I did today. But that's a big if. Once people have a certain perception of you it's hard to break free from it and assume another one. It takes time, but the former seems like it happens in the blink of an eye. People get caught stealing once and get labelled a thief. Even this person who has sworn not to judge me has already labelled me. I don't like changes but this is one change I feel like I have to make by the end of this year. I don't know if I'll make it or how I'm going to do it. Let's face it, I'm not made for this. Yi Hui's birthday is coming up soon and I'm thinking of getting a shirt done for all four of us, it'll be pretty cool if it gets done in a few weeks. I love colour combinations but it sucks when you're only allowed 2 colours. How am I gonna colour the cupcake? haha. Justin Bieber tix? so what, i'll be getting Avril tix in a week. Take that :) Day 14. Should I make an exception? ♥ always, hazel.

we wonnnnnn.

Kind of. We got 2 1sts and 2 2nds. But still. Amazing times ten.
Not much happened after that, lunched out at nex again with r, without her. I don't know what happened to her, but I didn't feel like asking and I don't think I really need or want to know. 3 people is kind of a big squeeze, yeah? 2 is okay, 4 is just right but 3 is just not okay. Middle is not always best.
I didn't manage to get tickets today :( it might be postponed due to the situation in Japan. :( i hope it's still on. I think they're starting sales next weekish so we'll see if it's true. In the meantime; we have to waittt.
LEE. whoohoo :) i'm so tired i think i could fall asleep typing this.
Should I reply? I haven't really thought of how I'm going to ditch. Does that mean I'm going to ditch? So. Guilty. I can't just stop talking to them right? It's so hard to suddenly break off contact especially when one of them is actually nice. But the thing is, they're not the type that will socialise. I'm not saying that I am, just that I think I'd be more likely to than them. Ughhh how am I going to do this? I can't manage two different extremes in one day at the same time. I want to be with them but at the same time I can't do that if I'm sticking in my safety zone. And I think it's way beyond time i step out, but do I just leave them there? And will I ever be able to step back in whenever I want to? Answer key with detailed solutions, please. Preferably not torn out of the book.
12. 28%. I think it's pretty lame but whatever.

♥ always,
hazel

46 more days!

..to BLACK STAR TOUR BLACK STAR TOUR BLACK STAR TOUR. I'm getting my tickets tomorrow!!! I hope it's like free standing. Or not. But I can't believe she's coming here, the third stop in her Asia tour. And it's not late like last time was, more than a year after TBDT came out. Now it's more like almost 3 months later. At the risk of sounding totally obsessed... i already memorized most of GL lyrics by heart and learnt how to play 3 of them. More coming soon :)
Tomorrow is sports day!! LEE is gonna totally ROCK. like whoa.
Okay this week is almost over, just one more day. And i think I can survive tomorrow right? Even if she is coming along. I knew I never should have talked about it in front of her, what the hell was I thinking?? Ugh. Okay never mind I won't think about that anymore.I love talking pokemon with Xiao Hui. She's helping me play and since she has tons of patience... haha.
Day 11. Niceeee progress? Although today I just realised something. I'll never be able to face her in a normal way ever again without having weird thoughts popping into my head. Same for him. But I knew that right? Right. I think I'm about 24%? It's this that keeps me sane I guess.

♥ always,
hazel

glowsticks.

Again, I'm kind of surprised. I never expected our contact to last beyond camp but it did. The reason? Because i'm kind of known as a loser, I guess? Ugh. I can't help but wonder if you have any other motives for this. I've never really done this kind of thing before and because of what happened last time it's clear that i have trust issues with new people. I'll have to work through that but I cannot believe you considered me. Not at all. I guess I'll just wait and see.
Tix are going on sale on FRIDAY, friday, gotta get 'em on friday. hahahaha. Okay but yeah melanie's going with me! and a bunch of other bandaiders! I'm gonna tell everyone I meet that Avril's coming on the 9th of may. spread the news! :) It's been so long since I last booked tix for a concert, way back in 2008, i can't even remember how it goes anymore. I wish I went for the BONEZ tour back in '05. but I would've been like 9 years old haha.
That's about all I guess. We have sports day on friday so we end earlyish. No school, yayy. And we have e learning next friday so no school either yayy. haha.
Avril's been rocking the pink and green streaks lately. It looks cool on her :)

♥ always,
hazel

make it or break it

best day since term reopened. 1: Avril is coming to Singapore!!!! i'm so excited ahhhhhhh. 9th may. Will be the best night eveeeeeeeeeeeer. Even though it's on a weekday. BUT there's no way I'm missing it. even though the next day is a math CT. I remember going in 2008 on sunday when there were prelims on monday. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hahaha. One Seven Five kachinggggggggggggggg. :( but :)))) haha.

okay i forgot 2! 2: ________________________________. Lol, sorry! But it's too amazing to share. So cute though. OKAY I cannot concentrate on writing this. I can't do blogs and chat and freaking out all at the same time. But still. I'm going to try my best to keep writing this.

Okayyyyyy so. We had all three sciences today. If they were SPA it wouldn't be so bad but they were all theory! >.> Almost died. But I got through it!

It will take me so much longer to type this because I'm being distracted by a super sweet guy. But still, no. I'm not going there. never, ever ever.

oh who am i kidding?

Just myself, apparently. But at least I have someone who thinks almost the same way. 2 people, to be exact. Okay okay let's get this over with. Day 9 if i'm not wrong. 20% done. I'm not going to lose sanity over that stupid boy. Enough said.

♥ love always,
hazel

not now pleaseee?

Okay, so um... I'm surprised. Very surprised but yeah. I don't know how to react and I think that's just lame. It's just a text right? From an ordinary person? yeah, right. I can't explain but so much is on this text and what I reply. Probably like whether I get a new identity or remain as 'one of those three'. Something along those lines.
I hate it when he lumps me in with them. I. cannot. stand. it. Really. At least someone else sees it too and she says it's painful to watch. I agree, and it's not even her. Ugh. What should I do? I know what I have to do but I don't have the heart or courage to do it. Ditch, or not to ditch? Well, at least there's another reason to skip for a while. But who else is there besides 'months'? Okay, maybe one other girl but I totally don't have to reach out, yet right? Forget that. I have other things to deal with.
Like the physics quiz tomorrow. I am entirely screwed. I don't undestand anything other than F=mA and sometimes I can't even apply that ughhhhh. I am so messed up in physics. I'm starting to wish i never took physics but it's either that or history. & we all know how i suck at history.
Okay soooooo. I can proudly say that I came out of this experience with something learnt. Okay. I'm gonna represent it in a inequality type thing form. What the hell? Yeah. Here goes:
15< x < 18. Did you get that? LOLOL. So for all of those none math folks(although that is no excuse because this is e math not a math) i'll write it out in english. I have learnt that: no guys the same age as me. Adding on to my previous rule of no guys younger or 3 years older either. Criteria? No, it's not criteria, it's just basically guidelines i made in order to not get.. how do you say it.. ouched. Lack of a better word, but yeah. with that i'll say i'm up to 15% today. whoohoo! :)

♥ always,
hazel

remember when?

Ouch I'm so hungryyy. I have given up on lit and chinese. Thankfully I don't have them tomorrow. The spirit of procrastination lives on! Whoo hooooooo :)
The chemistry tutition today was fun becauseeeee... the teacher was funny? Okay I know that's not the point but I felt like I would actually look forward to his classes even though he gives homework >.> It's MONDAY tomorrow. Not just any monday, a schooling monday. But to be honest, how many mondays are not a schooling monday? This is technically my earliest blog post of the week they'll probably get earlier and earlier, where I'm reduced to blogging from my phone at 7 am. I have no idea how to do that though haha.
Dayyyy what? 7? It's been a week. And i've moved on to someone else?! No, just kidding. I don't believe my traitorous self. Don't even go there. Ahhhh but this always happens, I know what to expect don't I? After a month or two it'll just go away on it's own.
Okay okay I need to wrap this up so I can go and sleep. Totally don't feel like though. I think i'm about 13% done. Although I can't tell for sure, anyone wants to be my shrink? :/

♥ hazel :)

Edit: What am I talking about? It is 7!! JK :)

dayyyyyy 6 :)

jxfvjkshfw I'm so tired. It's like 1.40AM now and I stayed up to do my lit logbook. Ughhhh and it's only half done >.> When i'm done with this it'll probably be 2AM.
I finished a math but I left most of them unfinished so does that count? And my friend finished up the lit groupwork so yay. Now I'm left with half of lit, half of chinese and yeah. and I have chemistry tuition tomorrow. Or, today. And a physics test on tuesday. And house practice on monday. Whaaat the hell.
So day 6 is supposed to be yesterday, 19 march 2011. But it still works right because the time and dating thing here is screwed right? It's okay I guess, not much change that I know of. It seems like I'm just going on day after day but it's getting better. I'm kind of 10% in and I can't turn back. I hate to admit it but I was affected by her coming on here and reading my innermost feelings but I guess I deserve it, this is a public blog after all, but she used to be someone I know. And that hurts the most, I don't know her anymore. Whatever, so I changed the url and I know it seems a bit weird but what can you do?
So the first time begins tomorrow. I hope I can keep coming up with excuses, at least until a few weeks later. I feel so guilty but again, what can I do?
Japan, it's been a bit more than one week, I hope you're doing okay. I hope all the supplies we're all sending to you are getting through, just hang in there okay? You'll be okay, just get through it, I promise. Sending my love and wishes your way.

♥ hazel

hey there bitch. nice to meet you.

You, yes you reading this. Right. Now.
I didn't know you could be so insensitive, but whatever, I don't need your comments. That was in the past. At least now I know you stalk me. And seriously? As if you even care about Japan. What other tragedy is there? Oh wait- the fact that you're still white after two weeks on the beach! Let's book an appointment with the tanning salon, shall we? You have to be perfect after all. You don't care about anyone other than yourself, and that's a fact. One of your best friends said it, so what could be more true? He showed his ugly side to you, and now you're believing that he's the same person again. It's a disaster waiting to happen again, trust me.
I never thought I'd meet a two faced person like you. Even the girls I know who I think are like that aren't half as bad as you. You say you did nothing to me? How about being so condescending all the time with your sarcastic remarks, being so cynical that it's annoying? How is that nothing? I realised I don't care anymore. It was nice while it lasted, but after you turned sour I wish I never knew you. Fuck off, I don't need you writing your sardonic comments on twitter and being all fake. You thought I'd never find out? Think again, bitch. If you have something to say, say it to my face and don't just post it on twitter where you hope I won't see it. Well, I hope you see this, bitch :)

♥ hazel.

11:11

I heart algebra. So it hearts me back. But I hate log. So it hates me back. Pretty simple logic yeah?
Log seriously sucks. So does surds. Ugh. I need to practice like 896456 times before I can get it right, something which i have absolutely no time for. But I still love math. Love me back, math? haha. So today I think was okay. Cleared 25% of Lit, E Math, English, Social Studies, half of Chinese. Sighhh. That leaves 75% of Lit, half of Chinese, A Math and yeah I think that's it. >.> The lit project groupwork was awesomely fun. I love working on musical projects. And she, is yelling at Eudora, somewhere back inside the room wearing a frack shaped like guava cheese. LOL lovelovelove.
It's getting okayish now. Although, sometimes I wish things were different. I wish I could turn back the time and change everything. But what would I change it to? I have no idea. Do I even want to change it? Be careful what you wish for, it might just come true. I can't stop thinking of you, of what might happen if things were different. Past tense is a sad thing, and I think I've spammed that in this paragraph. But everytime I think of you, I also think, I liked you. For 2 years, but that's not the point here.
I wish things were different.
I am not going to lie. I still can't resist and I've never been good at that. It will get better with time, but the hard part is waiting. But hey, I got through those 2 years, it feels like I can wait for about 2 more. After 2 years of hiding you get good with keeping it to yourself.

"The one constant factor in every one of my failures or stumbles is me." -Evan Taubenfeld

yessss and the famed progress bar: 10% :/

♥ hazel.

dayyyy 4 :)

Okay so I was wrong about a few things. 1. today was not productive >.> 2. the butterflies are still there.
That's about all, thankfully. With everyday that passes it gets further and further from what happened and I'm grateful for that, even though it means the holidays are gonna end soon. Maybe it's for the better since this week was no different from a school week. And I just discovered (Y) means thumbs up and not heart and (N) means thumbs down. MSN works wonders.
I heart my copy of Goodbye Lullaby :) it was the last deluxe version! Anddd it came with a tote bag with 'what the hell' on the front. Whoohoo :) There was worship practice again today which means my fingers are dead. We played so much that both mine and my friend's guitar decided to go off tune at the same time which is pretty freaky. I think I managed to tune it back on my own though so yay :) because I need to use it tomorrow for literature. whaaat? that's right.
I just realised that because I've been posting after 12 midnight so the date below is 18, not 17. Oh well, i still wrote this on the 17th of March 2011 :) I love this smiley face btw :)
Okay so... I don't really know what's going on up here. I hope it's getting better though but truth be told I haven't really have had much time to think about what's been happening lately. Overanalysis: always a part of my life.
I almost forgot the progress bar! LOL that's so nerd but whatever :)
Progress bar: 9% We're gettin' there.

'Cause I'm 4real, are you 4real?

♥hazel.

No wait, the time & date thing on this blog is messed up so all's good :)

when push comes to shove

Let's see, we are on day 3 now.
Progress bar: 7% full. Getting better. Whoo hoo! :)
I feeling positively a lot better. Today I had worship prac. My fingers are beyond bruised and I'm kinda hoping I'll get this hard skin thing over them. But they're really hard to keep and if I don't play for about a day they'll run away :(
My homework pile is still towering over me and I have no willpower to clear it. I did about three quarters of bio today. Tomorrow will be a serious homework day. Mark my words, I will report back tomorrow. I kind of like when my head is overwhelmed with things I have to get done and remember. It helps to forget and maybe by the end of this week it'll be up to 15%? Slow, i know, but that's how it goes.
I'm feeling so much better but i know better, obviously.okay i think i'm tired and my fingers need a rest. laterrr :)

everybody feels this way, yeah and it's okay
lalalalala it's okay.

♥hazel.

goodbye, brown eyes.

DAY 1.
Technically this is supposed to be posted on 14th March but I was kinda in camp so instead I'm typing it up now. I know this seems kind of lame but I'm gonna start on this day by day blogging thing hoping it might help with getting over some darker stuff. Honesty is brutal, but hey, no judgment here right?
Today was slightly better. Here's the truth: i found out that a big part of my life for the last two years is now gone and with someone else. I think I knew the truth all along but I was just denying it. Serves me right. My mentality is screwed up because I think they're kinda cute together because he's waiting for her and she's trusting him not to run away. No bonds, but it's as good as having one. Isn't that so sweet? See how messed up I am? I'm thinking my excrush and another girl are so cute together and there's not even a hint of jealousy. But I think I made at least 10% progress today. The butterflies are gone and I can't say I miss them. What I can't get over is that moment, when I thought we were. Going at this rate, I think i'll be okay in 10 days. Not.
It's so hard to handle. I don't think I can do this. I hate having to pretend everything's okay when it's not. The reason why I'm okay with posting this publicly is that even if the subject comes on here and reads this, as far as I know, he is/will be totally clueless and just think i'm a psycho. I think i'm gonna skip church cell for an inordinate amount of time. I know it's wrong but i can't deal with this.

DAY 2
Okayyy so. Deeeeeeep breath. So many things happened in the past few days and it's so overwhelming. 1: There are more skeletons in the closet than I thought. 2: backstabbing namecalling secretlyhating. 3: last time:out of the loop, now: in the loop, and not exactly sure I want to be. 4: i'm not exactly sure i'm convinced that you're not superficial and I don't think I wanna join a group of friends that make me uncomfortable. 5: HTHT with someone I'm not really close to but the best option at that moment can actually help. 6: things have changed but I don't know if it's for the better or worse.
We are changed to bring about change. to bring about change. And I hate change.
The progress bar right now has dwindled to about 5%. It hurts more than yesterday and I don't know why. Isn't it supposed to get better with time? I think i need to loosen up. goodbye, brown eyes. goodbye for now.

this feelings i can't take no more
this emptyness in the bottom drawer
is gettin' harder to pretend
and i'm not coming back around again
that was then
now it's the end
i'm not coming back
i cant pretend
remember when.

i hope i get better soon too.

♥hazel.