goodbye, brown eyes.

DAY 1.
Technically this is supposed to be posted on 14th March but I was kinda in camp so instead I'm typing it up now. I know this seems kind of lame but I'm gonna start on this day by day blogging thing hoping it might help with getting over some darker stuff. Honesty is brutal, but hey, no judgment here right?
Today was slightly better. Here's the truth: i found out that a big part of my life for the last two years is now gone and with someone else. I think I knew the truth all along but I was just denying it. Serves me right. My mentality is screwed up because I think they're kinda cute together because he's waiting for her and she's trusting him not to run away. No bonds, but it's as good as having one. Isn't that so sweet? See how messed up I am? I'm thinking my excrush and another girl are so cute together and there's not even a hint of jealousy. But I think I made at least 10% progress today. The butterflies are gone and I can't say I miss them. What I can't get over is that moment, when I thought we were. Going at this rate, I think i'll be okay in 10 days. Not.
It's so hard to handle. I don't think I can do this. I hate having to pretend everything's okay when it's not. The reason why I'm okay with posting this publicly is that even if the subject comes on here and reads this, as far as I know, he is/will be totally clueless and just think i'm a psycho. I think i'm gonna skip church cell for an inordinate amount of time. I know it's wrong but i can't deal with this.

DAY 2
Okayyy so. Deeeeeeep breath. So many things happened in the past few days and it's so overwhelming. 1: There are more skeletons in the closet than I thought. 2: backstabbing namecalling secretlyhating. 3: last time:out of the loop, now: in the loop, and not exactly sure I want to be. 4: i'm not exactly sure i'm convinced that you're not superficial and I don't think I wanna join a group of friends that make me uncomfortable. 5: HTHT with someone I'm not really close to but the best option at that moment can actually help. 6: things have changed but I don't know if it's for the better or worse.
We are changed to bring about change. to bring about change. And I hate change.
The progress bar right now has dwindled to about 5%. It hurts more than yesterday and I don't know why. Isn't it supposed to get better with time? I think i need to loosen up. goodbye, brown eyes. goodbye for now.

this feelings i can't take no more
this emptyness in the bottom drawer
is gettin' harder to pretend
and i'm not coming back around again
that was then
now it's the end
i'm not coming back
i cant pretend
remember when.

i hope i get better soon too.

♥hazel.