jetlag

I'm late for this week's post, but it's just gonna be a short one since I have to be back at hall soonish. And I'm still trying to finish my critical writing assignment haha.

Really thankful that I got through the past week, it was madness and it all started on Monday just before volleyball training where I realised I forgot to bring my contact lenses to hall. That resulted in me panicking and calling up friends and family for help, but none of them could offer me any solutions, until I finally managed to borrow a pair of lenses from a friend, luckily. There's not much to say other than I really felt alone in that moment, rushing around trying to solve the problem by myself, but I suppose everyone feels like that at one point or another in their lives. After training I rushed off to the JCRC room to help cut voting slips for about two hours before I left and rushed home just for those lenses. I didn't manage to have dinner till 11pm that day, and I was already starting to fall sick :(

I had to wake up early to go back to NTU (on my own :() the next day so that kind of made things even worse. My sore throat kind of worsened and the long journey didn't help, nor did the seclusive and impossible to find MacDonald's at JP (a kind of reward for myself for having such a shitty start to the week.) Lessons were alright, but there was the JCRC walkabout that night which really wore me out, we started at about 8pm and ended around 11pm that night, and for some insane reason I stayed up to talk to a few of my hall friends till about 3am, which made me even sicker and caused me to miss my first lecture the next day. Talk about priorities.

We had the second round of JCRC walkabout that night which thankfully ended a little earlier than the previous nights, and this time I went straight to sleep since I was so worn out haha. I didn't even have time to work on my speech that was due the next day for my rally. On Thursday it was pretty much a blur of trying to concentrate in class and not worrying about my rally later, and also trying to come up with my speech during lectures hahaha. The rally itself went okay, I can't really remember the specifics of what happened because I was that nervous, but I'm just so thankful that it's over and that I survived it haha. I don't want to jinx the outcome so I won't say more about it :)

After that night a weight was lifted off my shoulders since I knew that there wasn't anything I could do about it any longer and all that was left was to wait (i.e. till today). Friday was tutorial day and since I didn't have time to do my readings that week, it was safe to say that I was pretty lost, and I plan to catch up whenever I can haha hopefully. I've already finished my readings for the coming week, and all that I have left for today is my crit writing assignment. Which for some reason, I'm finding really hard to finish  (be it due to my pounding headache, runny nose or sore throat or just plain writer's block)

The coming week has the potential to be really busy or relatively free, depending on whether I get elected in. All I know is that I'm just looking forward to our Disney steamboat on Tuesday night, and  volleyball training on Wednesday. But to get to that... I'll have to get through tonight first. I can't stand this constant feeling of being jet lagged and having so many things to catch up on, and I hope things get better soon. I just wish time could stop for me to get everything done. Up till now I don't really know what I want the results to be, but I am comforted by the thought that it is out of my hands, and into His :)

I'll keep you updated.

❤️always,
hazel

let's not fall in love

I'm finally back from another long week and with a little while to rest before it's back to hall again tonight :(

Quite a few things happened this week. Lessons were alright, I'm trying my best to keep up with my readings. Tutorials are held quite differently than from JC, it feels like we are focusing a lot on basic content rather than analysing methods, techniques and links, the way I'm used to. I hope we'll settle into a more familiar way soon. Badminton trials was quite a disappointment, I know I'm not competitive material but I feel like I didn't play to the best of my ability, be it from nerves or something else. I got into the recreational team, but now I'm not so sure I want to be in it since I felt so shitty after the first trials. 

On a brighter note, I had my first volleyball training on Friday, and it was really good! I last played volleyball back in secondary school, but somehow I still remember the technique and I really enjoyed it, despite the bruises on my arms after. I really hope I can join the competitive team for volleyball and maybe play for inter hall games? The next training I have is tomorrow, and I hope it'll be as good as the first :)

On Wednesday night we had supper hop, and it was really quite a huge deal. We even had buses chartered for us. Our first stop was East Coast Park, and since NTU is in the West, we took about an hour plus to reach there. I think we ate a little too much there haha but the food was too good to resist. After that we headed to Upper Thompson for Salted Caramel, Udders, and soybean and beancurd :)  I guess it wasn't much of a supper hop since it was only 2 stops but we were really full (at least I was) and ready to call it a night. 

And on Friday night we had JASH! We started off the night by pre drinking in some activity room and played games such as I Never and Burning Bridges etc. We were kind of hesitant to go to JASH since we heard that there were very few people at the event, and some of us thought it was kind of lame for it to be held at Nanyang Audi. But we ended up heading over at around 12, and by that time it was already quite filled up with people. The DJ kind of sucked though, and I didn't really know most of the songs that they were playing.

Now on to the messed up parts of the night. My SP(really long story about him, but I'll just say that he's a really greasy person) tried to force me to take shots of hard liquor by saying he would vote for me to be in JCRC if I drank. To which I responded, "I don't need your vote then." But he just said that he represented his whole OG (and that's kind of true since he's the future CGL and holds quite a big influence over them). At that point I was ready to give in and drink, but only because of his vote but luckily my friends who were with me stopped me and led me away. I'm so thankful for them because I have no idea what I would have done without them, I would have probably accepted the drink and who knows what would have happened from there... :'(

I tried not to let my night get ruined by him but it was kind of hard, since whenever I was on the dance floor I kept looking around to make sure he wouldn't suddenly pop up. Even now as I'm recalling this and typing it, I'm so utterly disgusted and for some reason, I feel so weak and useless, because I remember that at one point in time I almost accepted the drink. I was so helpless and at his mercy and I just lost control of the situation. Up to now I still don't know what I could have said or done in response to his "threat", whether he was serious or joking, and whether I can win without him. I was already stressing enough about running for JCRC, but he just made everything worse. 

I'm so thankful for my hall OG, since after that happened they kind of made a protective circle around me, and even though I could see him lingering nearby, I knew he didn't dare to approach me anymore since I was surrounded. At that moment I felt really safe and I knew I had people who had my back :) At this point one of my GLs whom I had a slight interest in before this started getting kind of close to me, and it may seem contradictory, but I didn't really mind. He kept trying to push me to other guys and I guess he was teasing me in a way, and kept using that excuse to grab my hands or slip his arm around my waist. At one point when I left for the washroom and came back, he was waiting outside and took my hand to lead me back to the dance floor. I don't really know if he's really interested in me or was just playful and in the moment, but I guess I won't get my hopes up.

Some of my friends say that his attention is bad attention too, but what if I don't mind it? Is it still bad?

Oh and yesterday night I attended the HSS DND 2015! It was really nice to see everyone all dressed to the nines and to gather with GAIA again :) The food wasn't all that great, although the company made up for it. I wasn't really that chatty yesterday since I was still tired from JASH the previous night, but overall it was a good night :))

This coming week is equally as busy, volleyball training tomorrow, JCRC walkabout on Tuesday and Wednesday, rally on Thursday and finally Friday to rest (if nothing comes up). This post is such a mess cause I'm really tired but I just wanted to get everything written down so I wouldn't forget about it.

I'll keep you updated :)

❤️always,

hazel

zutter

I'm so sorry I haven't been updating! Uni has officially started and it's honestly so hectic I can barely find time for myself.

Hall has been amazing so far, I really love my OG but I've been finding it really hard to concentrate on my studies. I know it's just week 1 but I feel like I really need to do a ground check (?) to remind myself of where my priorities lie, because it's impossible to think when I'm in hall (idk if that makes sense). So I'm currently back home writing this and attempting to straighten everything out. 

Some really weird things happened in the last few days and to sum it up, more and more people have been telling me about my one major flaw and although I've kind of known about it all along, I can't help but feel that it's been magnified somehow, and also a little disappointed in myself that I let others see through me so easily. Now that I know about them talking about that flaw, it makes me want to back off and distance myself because I feel like they know too much of me. I'm just gonna be really honest here: My biggest flaw is that I doubt myself too much and I lack confidence.

Despite that, I want to run for JCRC, but there are always lingering thoughts in my head like 'Can I really do this?' 'Will people even vote for me?' 'Do I even stand out enough to appeal to people for their votes?' I think maybe I know where this mentality came from, it came from when I tried so hard in J1 to be part of the exco for my cca but didn't get in, when I "failed" my OCIP interview (I actually didn't but it's a long story), when I didn't make it as an OGL, and the things some people said to/called me. I can trace back the roots of all my flaws to events that occurred in JC, and they're still haunting me to this day and I can't get rid of it. The sucky thing about it is that my past is influencing my future, and I know that shouldn't be the case but I can't help it, I will always think back to those events and the thought of backing off or giving up will always look like the better option. 

So here goes with my priorities. First off will always be studies, which means I really have to do my readings before lectures, prepare for tutorials and pay attention during class. Even if this means I have to miss out on some outings or gatherings, it will all be worth it. Secondly will be my close friends in hall, if they really need anything I'll be there for them no matter what. Lately I've been giving really shitty replies to one of my friends who isn't in NTU and I feel really bad about it. I've been telling her a lot about me and I feel really bad too, but I promise I'll do better :( Thirdly I guess it'll be my commitments such as sports (I hope I get in) and also JCRC if I do get elected. It's been such a long time since I held a key leadership role that I'm not sure I can do it... But I really want to go for it. 

Next week is hella busy. I'm thinking of running some errands on Monday since I don't have class, then on Tuesday there's lessons plus JCRC Q&A after. Wednesday I have double lecture plus badminton trials which I really want to ace. Thursday there's nothing much, then Friday there's 3 tutorials plus JASH after, and on Saturday there's DnD. And I really have a lot of readings to do... I need to step my game up. Exciting but busy week ahead, I just hope I can keep everything under control and stick to my priorities. 

I'll update you soon :) 

❤️always,

hazel