ah-mazing.

so you know how when a day has the potential to be a really sucky one and then someone comes along and makes it AWESOME? yeah. I'm happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :D

Alright so... today was our first day without the sec 4s and it was... meh. I didn't realise that in all our vespers the sec 4s have been saying the theme verse so when it came to today we had to do it so many times and it was awkward. devo comm was... sleepy. sighhhh. I was actually shocked when ms rachel lee told me that devo comm used to be totally alive and everyone used to love it. I mean, i love devo comm and everything but it's kinda hard to be enthusiastic when everyone else is like >.> i need gerry and dom back. and all the other sec 4s back at enrolment. sighhh. ._.

But that point aside, platoon time was okayish, maybe enjoyable :) then i got my new service badge and blah blah. I'm hyperrr right now teehee. not good when you're about to sleep! whoo hoo i'm submitting my commonwealth essay!!! even though it may be more trouble than it's worth but still!!! count the number of exclamation marks in this past para and you'll know i'm hyper beyond redemption.

happyhappyhappy :)

♥ always,
hazel

i heart question mark.

"It's become a topic that we don't talk about, one that we just kick under the carpet, ignoring the lump it forms."

WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS, BLOGGER. Mmkay. First week being exco. Not much happened, although it doesn't really seem like the title belongs to me yet. Maybe it's because I haven't really done much. And so she gave me a thick binded file which she said clearly to "leave in a corner to rot". I couldn't stand the condition of it so I got out my binder sticker things & fixed it. Okay so that's one thing done. And after that we had a meeting with Ms Ho and then we discussed all the typical things. ugh we have to plan for sec 2 training camp!! & be there physically -.- I thought planning the sec 1 camp would be my first and last time planning a camp but obviously not. & oh wait!! i just realised we'll have OCIP! oh well ;D

And so... Ms Ho asked me if I was okay with my role. What else could I say right...? So I gave her the answer she wanted. And then something else happened that really was like de ja vu. Or however that goes. I can't describe it exactly too much in detail at risk of either of them coming on here and reading this but yeah.

It never occurred to me that even though she's a pretty happy go lucky person, she's quite sensitive too. It was like she read my mind in that instant and shot back her reply that matched mine in my head that I was never gonna tell her. So now she knows, kinda. And she's close to him. And the thing is, I'd been imagining that moment so many times but when it really happened I didn't respond the way I'd imagined myself to. sigh. my expression must have given away something but now she knows the truth. But the strange thing was, I wasn't exactly sure of the reason until she said it, then it all came into perspective and I realised it was true.

But she won't tell.

At least, I hope. I want to know why he did that though. So now he decides that he cares after totally blowing me off. Too late, i'm sorry babe. I know the truth now, and even though it didn't come from you, it came from a pretty reliable source though. Stop being such a freaking jerk and caring about two girls at the same time. &FYI, one of my best friends hasn't even met you yet and she hates you. i do too.

that's quite enough of that. that's one major thing. I'm too tired to talk about the rest, but just take my word for it that this week was pretty rough. still have my exco speech to do tomorrow, i hope it's inspirational enough :/

♥always,
hazel

all done.

my worst nightmare came true.
That's the scary thing. Nightmares are managable because even though it's scary for that one moment when you're teteering off the edge of death and not quite able to die, you still wake up in the end safe and sound, be it in cold sweat or screaming. At least nothing's changed. And most people forget their nightmares in the morning so what's the big deal, really?
I wish I didn't have to. It seemed so surreal the time that they announced it and to be really honest, over the past few days I kind of expected it. But I never really thought it would happen, just something that was distant and had no chance of ever touching reality. I admit that I knew from the start of this year that i'd be devo head but it's like I never realised the full extent of it until today. when it's all too late.
I don't have a choice right? I hope I can do this right. I hate doing things halfway. I have to do them the best I can but i'm afraid i can't. if you see this, just if you can, please pray for me. i think i really need it. i'm so scared. but i'm gonna be strong and know that one year from now, I will look back on this post and smile at how scared I was so that I can do my best to reassure the next devo head of 12/13 that it's all gonna be okay.
gerry, if you see this, i wanna thank you so so so so much for giving me so much encouragement. you're the best ever, and this is a very sincere thank you coming from me. I will always appreciate everything that you've done for me, thank you so much. you rock, gerry, the best pinist in the world.
On a different note. As of yesterday, it's been a month. In all my full (in)sanity, I want to thank you for making that change in my life even though I hate changes. I still miss you sometimes, but it's getting easier to deal with.
My eyes hurt. They're probably red. I can't change anything now. but i know he will help me through this and he knows what i can and cannot do.

♥ always,
hazel.

forever meets no end.

Okay so I realised that I can't get over something if I talk about it everyday so it's gonna be limited to once a week now, then gradually monthly. If we even get to that.
In one word... today was fun. I never expected enrolment service to be fun but this was the first year it was enjoyable. Last year I was just sleeping in service haha. At least today the guest of honour didn't take like half an hour to come like last time so we didn't have to stand long.
And then... SERVICE. the most dreaded/anticipated part. I messed up because i couldn't hear myself/the pianist/the singers/the other guitarist with the lousy sound system over in the hall. But most people are kinda tone deaf and don't really notice if musicians mess up so :) It was okay though because my guitar couldn't really be heard anyway. & i can't stand it when someone asks me/us to transpose everything because it's too high or slow down when the song is originally at that pace. obviously they don't know what it's like to be a musician.
When it was time for the message we escaped backstage and for the first time it seemed like she was only on there sharing for like 5 minutes before it was time to go back onstage to play the next few songs. i would totally do today all over again even though it means full u.
i'm scared of the day the sec 4s have to leave, because then we'll be the ones taking over. Ugh. and i'll miss the sec 4s so much :( some of them are really nice. it'll be so lonely around gb without them. and i'll have to get farewell gifts for them, which always makes me sad. i need to write out a list of sec 4s i need to buy stuff for which is not very short haha.
i seem to have a problem with letting go of things/people.

♥ forever and always,
hazel

PS: ONE MORE MONTH TO BLACK STAR TOUR!!!

tell me the truth okay?

First things first... i'm so tired, i'm gonna turn in soon. But not before i finish this. My words have cut you so deep? Please. How can that ever compare to making us feel so inferior and leaving us out all the time? You treat us like we're not even there anymore, and if you say you really and truly care about us...well... THEN SHOW IT. have you ever heard of the phrase 'actions speak louder than words'?

Here we go again. You're making it all about you again. NEWSFLASH. the whole world doesn't revolve around you. I'm kind enough to tell you the truth, and then you twist it about in a load of words and say things you haven't been doing. And make it about you and how you fail as a friend. It's not about you alright?

When have you ever even given a damn about how she feels? No, you haven't, ever. You just assume everything is alright and just go off with your best friend and encourage her to isolate us too and make things worse than they are. And think about this: if it hurts you so bad, how much more is it hurting us? I can't think up a single instance recently you've been listening. If I hadn't told you you'd still be clueless.

All of them are just a load of lies, I don't believe you anymore. You're not doing anything and honestly, fuck you.

i won't waste my words on you.

Someone i thought was kinda mean is actually pretty nice so yay for that :) i'm too tired for colour combi's so something must be wrong with me.

♥ forever and always,
hazel

you were the only exception.

ehmycuteeee. Although you can see the nail line on the middle finger. But otherwise... so cute. I'm gonna try to do that one of these days... which will be a long time from now haha. i'm sore from being pushed into the pool 4965247 times. It was worth it though. Can't wait for the next one, even though this wasn't the best.

I usually avoid listening to that band since sometime ago because they remind me of him. Too bad, because their songs are really nice. And now two of them have left and I really liked one of them, who just coincidentally shares his name. Today I gave in and listened to some of them and they kind of made me smile. Which is not supposed to happen, considering the fact that I'm supposed to swear him off till end of the year. Which is, in turn, not working.

I'll give up on writing for now, but it's day 21. It's been three weeks and I can't say i'm progressing. I shall just spam with nail art pics :)

♥ always,

hazel. this is epic.

breakaway.

What the hell just happened? I allowed myself to test you one last time just for old times sake and whaaat? I'm really confused now and in the midst of my confusion I realised something: I'd like to hear it from you personally and not from a third party who doesn't fully understand the terms of our (non)relationship.

If I dare, that is. But the thing is, this doesn't change anything. right? what makes me think things have changed simply because I have gained the insight of someone else over the course of this month? You're still the same old clueless boy, who means no harm. yeah. right. you're absolutely harmless. Somehow I still smile but we're venturing into uncharted waters and I don't want to go there. This won't change anything. I'm still not ever going back to that ever again. I can't pretend that I don't know anymore.

DHFSDFSC UGH. It bugs me like hell.

I had the most fun in a while at April's party today even though no one i was really close to came, I still lived to tell the tale. loosening up was a success :) I had to leave early though but it's okay. It was fun while it lasted. At least I got to know some other people.

"Take it as he's testing you, rather than you're testing him." So... one of my close friends told me that and yeah. What is considered passing and failing? What is he testing me on? Who knows. Who cares. It probably means nothing anyway. like most things we have. Day 20. 20% haha.

"i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly. though it's not easy to tell you goodbye. i gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a chance, and breakaway."

♥ always,

hazel