all done.

my worst nightmare came true.
That's the scary thing. Nightmares are managable because even though it's scary for that one moment when you're teteering off the edge of death and not quite able to die, you still wake up in the end safe and sound, be it in cold sweat or screaming. At least nothing's changed. And most people forget their nightmares in the morning so what's the big deal, really?
I wish I didn't have to. It seemed so surreal the time that they announced it and to be really honest, over the past few days I kind of expected it. But I never really thought it would happen, just something that was distant and had no chance of ever touching reality. I admit that I knew from the start of this year that i'd be devo head but it's like I never realised the full extent of it until today. when it's all too late.
I don't have a choice right? I hope I can do this right. I hate doing things halfway. I have to do them the best I can but i'm afraid i can't. if you see this, just if you can, please pray for me. i think i really need it. i'm so scared. but i'm gonna be strong and know that one year from now, I will look back on this post and smile at how scared I was so that I can do my best to reassure the next devo head of 12/13 that it's all gonna be okay.
gerry, if you see this, i wanna thank you so so so so much for giving me so much encouragement. you're the best ever, and this is a very sincere thank you coming from me. I will always appreciate everything that you've done for me, thank you so much. you rock, gerry, the best pinist in the world.
On a different note. As of yesterday, it's been a month. In all my full (in)sanity, I want to thank you for making that change in my life even though I hate changes. I still miss you sometimes, but it's getting easier to deal with.
My eyes hurt. They're probably red. I can't change anything now. but i know he will help me through this and he knows what i can and cannot do.

♥ always,
hazel.