believe me.

why shouldn't i get to live life on the edge once in a while? i'm so sick of planning and scheduling and making lists and anticipating. why can't i just let them go and let things fall into place however they should? i'm so tired. i want to feel again. but no, i have to make sure everything is perfect.

it hurts to know, but not more than letting go.

screw her. just two and a half more terms. i can do this. i wish things didn't have to be this way, because some parts of this have truly been great. i love being a part of something that i don't have to work for, don't have to worry about. but unfortunately it comes with a price. and over the past few days i've realised that my thinking is absolutely, thoroughly and totally wrong. i'm not the only one, it's just that i dont know. who knows what they're hiding? it's great but sad at the same time, i wish things could be different.

sigh. i wish my mom would stop asking me. she obviously doesn't care anyway. she only cares about money, as tactless as that sounds, it's the truth.

paramore was here last night. i wanted to go, but because of physics i sadly couldn't. i trust that it was amazing and i will definitely go next time. oh well it's a long wait though. maybe not so long, but who knows?

ugh i despise ron with hermione. he's not right for her! JKR just did that so the golden trio'd be happily paired off and poor draco will be left alone. yup, we can all see how much she adores draco. on the contrary, i think that draco is just the right person for hermione. for one, he's actually the only eligible male that is on par with her intellectual level, as inferred by when his father asked him about his grades and his response which seemed to say that he was second to hermione. all i can see hermione doing in about 10 years after marrying ron is being bored out of her skull at the burrows with a brood of red haired weasleys that have hopefully inherited her intellectual ability. enough said.

so this song just came on. and i remember random words and things associated with that experience:

railings. spilt bubble tea. pathways. camp. ladders. double decker beds. white ceiling. darkness. blankets. mattress. hoodie. purple. spectacle case. earphones. not enough. everybody hurts. april. march 14th.

'everybody hurts, but it's not enough', or 'it's not enough, but everybody hurts'? you decide.

much love,
♥hazel

it gets better with time.

6 months gone and i'm still reaching even though i know you're not there.

today was quite productive. did a math, bio and lit. actually, binomial isnt that bad as i thought. bio is killer, although most of the things were from sec 2, just that i can't remember. lit is okay, i'll just manage somehow. it's unseen prose tmr anyway, how bad can it be?

okay so i don't really have much to say right now but i just want to say that when you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you can't hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. it all gets better with time.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe




♥ always,
hazel

expectations, expecting, expected.

I don't feel anything. It's alright though. i'm fine. i'm okay. everything's good.

I didn't cry in front of her. Which means that I kept my promise to myself. And that's better than I could have ever hoped. I feel so weird now. Yesterday I dreamt that she was scolding me over some mundane matter like she always does and when she left i started crying uncontrollably. my friend came over and hugged me. then i woke up and i was actually crying. and who knew, today that exact same thing happened. and it was that same friend again. is this a sign? what could this possibly mean? foreshadowing???? yeah well maybe i'll do well for lit on monday too. sigh. i'm so damn tired of all this crap.

i'm so tired now. i can't feel anything. this is so ridiculous. it's friday dammit. What is up with all my incoherent sentences???

i dont want to think anymore. i'll just cross that bridge when i come to it. now, for my punishment that i feel i deserve. yeah, right. here goes.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsiblilty is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

and no, i can honestly say i didnt make use of this useful function that we all know called copy and paste. happy now, bitch?

i'm so thankful though, to say the least. i'm very lucky to have people that care about me. i want you, yes you reading this right now, to know that i dont take them for granted. no matter what happens, no matter how badly she treats me, i know i can depend on all of you. thank you so much.

it's really great to have someone who understands. someone who's gone through the exact same thing. i'm so thankful, really. i love you.

♥ you guys forever and always,

hazel.

jump.

:) i'm not used to it, but that doesn't mean i can't learn. and honestly? if you ask me, i'm kind of happy how things are now. i don't really feel the need to change anything anymore because things just are fine the way they are.

i'm not sad because i know it was fun while it lasted, but we're really just that unlucky. they say you find out who your real friends are in sec 3 and they, whoever they are, are right. maybe it's the leadership (which i'm thoroughly sick of) that comes into play. you see how everyone pirioritises things and sometimes things don't work out. it's alright though. everyone changes.

and really, i regret not starting earlier. now we have so little time left. but it's great to have someone that actually gets it. i won't take this for granted. it's so weird sometimes how twisted this gets but i'll just accept it as it is. you make me smile :)

just breathe and everything will be fine. because really, worrying won't change anything.

"so i'll jump in this like a fearless fighter jumping off a cliff into the water. and i'll walk straight in, live it in the moment, let it move how it should, no assumptions. and i'll let go of everything my heart held captive."



♥ always,
hazel.

endurance.

today was such a sucky thursday. but then again, how many thursdays have i gone through that didn't suck?

so well... sigh. i feel like quitting. but no, i won't. i don't want to let her think she's won. because she clearly gets a power trip from that. there's only less than a year more to go before i'm done, and the thought of that is as liberating as the reaction between liquid ammonia and hydrogen. okay that was lame but i was doing chem blog before this so that pretty much explains it. so i'm going to separate my emotions from work and i won't get affected by them anymore. i'm sorry, but that's the way it works around here.

i will not let you see me break down. ever.

but i'm so glad this happened. because through this i've found out that i'm not alone. i'm not the only person who has to endure crap from officers and try to carry on after enduring their degrading remarks afterwards. honestly, sometimes i feel like throwing this responsibility back in her face and watch as she finds someone else to torture. but i won't give up. i will see this through and at the end i will look back and i'll be able to say that i got through no matter how hard it was. i was warned that it wouldn't be easy wasn't i? now that i've experienced it i know better.

alright so. *deep breath* everything will be fine. my OCD self has already made a plan. i've been obsessing over this for the whole damn day. so i guess i am delusional and obsessive. but whatever, this will save my skin, or so i hope.

i'm tireddd. we had three tests today. had NDP rehearsal till 0630. and cca to the same time tomorrow. and tuition for the whole freaking day on saturday. and no life on sunday. and NDP parade on monday. and studystudystudy for tuesday and wednesday. and doomsday on thursday. and cca on friday. when will this end? i'm so sick of not having a life.

you know, i've prepared my reaction for when things don't go well. i won't let my emotions affect me again. i'll be emotionless no matter how she puts me down or accuses me or threatens me. compartmentalising my emotions is what i do best recently. although i feel insanely tired after i let go, like the anti climax after an adrenaline rush. that's right hazel. you put all your feelings in a small cardboard box and push it into a corner of your mind. that's how you deal. alright?

it's not fair. sigh.

on the plus side... nothing he does or says really affects me anymore. i dont know. it's probably my state of mind now. which is tired with a capital T. so i'm ashamed to say that sometimes i try to dredge up a little bit of feeling because i remember how it was and maybe to remind myself that i'm still alive. but i can't. it's so scary. i want to feel something rather than nothing at all. how contradictory.

i love you. really.

<3 always,
hazel