endurance.

today was such a sucky thursday. but then again, how many thursdays have i gone through that didn't suck?

so well... sigh. i feel like quitting. but no, i won't. i don't want to let her think she's won. because she clearly gets a power trip from that. there's only less than a year more to go before i'm done, and the thought of that is as liberating as the reaction between liquid ammonia and hydrogen. okay that was lame but i was doing chem blog before this so that pretty much explains it. so i'm going to separate my emotions from work and i won't get affected by them anymore. i'm sorry, but that's the way it works around here.

i will not let you see me break down. ever.

but i'm so glad this happened. because through this i've found out that i'm not alone. i'm not the only person who has to endure crap from officers and try to carry on after enduring their degrading remarks afterwards. honestly, sometimes i feel like throwing this responsibility back in her face and watch as she finds someone else to torture. but i won't give up. i will see this through and at the end i will look back and i'll be able to say that i got through no matter how hard it was. i was warned that it wouldn't be easy wasn't i? now that i've experienced it i know better.

alright so. *deep breath* everything will be fine. my OCD self has already made a plan. i've been obsessing over this for the whole damn day. so i guess i am delusional and obsessive. but whatever, this will save my skin, or so i hope.

i'm tireddd. we had three tests today. had NDP rehearsal till 0630. and cca to the same time tomorrow. and tuition for the whole freaking day on saturday. and no life on sunday. and NDP parade on monday. and studystudystudy for tuesday and wednesday. and doomsday on thursday. and cca on friday. when will this end? i'm so sick of not having a life.

you know, i've prepared my reaction for when things don't go well. i won't let my emotions affect me again. i'll be emotionless no matter how she puts me down or accuses me or threatens me. compartmentalising my emotions is what i do best recently. although i feel insanely tired after i let go, like the anti climax after an adrenaline rush. that's right hazel. you put all your feelings in a small cardboard box and push it into a corner of your mind. that's how you deal. alright?

it's not fair. sigh.

on the plus side... nothing he does or says really affects me anymore. i dont know. it's probably my state of mind now. which is tired with a capital T. so i'm ashamed to say that sometimes i try to dredge up a little bit of feeling because i remember how it was and maybe to remind myself that i'm still alive. but i can't. it's so scary. i want to feel something rather than nothing at all. how contradictory.

i love you. really.

<3 always,
hazel