brighter

now i think we're taking this too far
don't you know that it's not this hard

I'm not even sure where I stand right now in the five stages of grief haha I'm a hot mess. I hate this, I can't stop thinking of you every time I need the slightest bit of comfort or reassurance. I'm constantly going back and forth between "nothing has changed, only I have" and "everything has changed" and I can't seem to make up my mind, because both versions seem to make sense to me. One moment I'm convincing myself that I can go back to being who I was before this, getting happy and excited over ________ because nothing has changed. But a second later, I'll log onto ______ and start feeling so filthy and critical of every single thing that they do or say. And I can't seem to get that enthusiastic over them anymore, it's just gone. It's not that I don't like them anymore, I do. I just feel nothing inside? I don't even know anymore.

but if you take what's yours and i take mine
must we go there?
if i'm without you then i will feel so small

ugh I'm so annoyed bc I still can't figure out how to use my mac properly... I don't know how to repeat a song on iTunes for instance (and it's still messed up with so many songs missing from when I imported it from my PC ugh) and I don't know how to turn on auto capitalisation and a bunch of other things. All the shortcuts (two finger swipe, three finger whatever, screenshot, emoji) stay in my brain for no less than a day before I forget them again :'(

In other news, the mother tried to get me to go back to youth group again. She said I should "mix around with more Christian friends". Let me explain how many things are wrong with that statement. Firstly, I haven't gone to youth group properly in years, but I still have plenty of Christian friends. oh how can that possibly be??? Simple: CHRISTIANS DO NOT EXIST ONLY IN CHURCH. I don't have to go to church to find friends of the same religion as me, I already have. And I feel like these friends that I have right now do a better job of supporting me than people in youth group ever would. The reason being that these are people I choose to hang out with more than once a week, I make the effort to maintain a friendship with them no matter what stage we're at in our lives. But I have never met anyone like that in the youth groups I've been to, and I find it too perverse to share details of my personal and spiritual journey with a group of people I see once a week. Secondly, going to church to find friends seems really off to me. I know fellowship with others is important, but I don't think it should be the main focus. 

There's really something wrong with the youth group culture here.

I recently got some news that my supposed room mate is most likely getting a single by herself (long story) and so now I'm left alone to try for a double, and I might be staying with a random stranger?? I have no control over this now and that just makes the control freak in me freak out. I'm trying not to but I can't help but imagine all the worst things that could happen, like me getting a horrible room mate (foreigner, unhygienic, unsuitable personalities, uncool etc) and I CAN'T CONTROL IT. I hate this.

Btw your excuses are lame as hell. And you haven't even apologised once. I don't appreciate how you're so unreliable all the time and how you don't know how to comfort people when i've always tried to do that for you. And the worst part is that I can't get angry/ am scared of getting angry because it might mean that I lose a friend?? So I don't know any other reaction other than to let it slide and get stepped all over in the process.

I know maybe this might be a blessing in disguise, something that is prodding me out of my comfort zone but I'm so worried and I don't want to leave it. (who does?) Being this introverted is something that only happened within the last two years (I don't know when) and it's something I really hate about myself, but I automatically retreat with defences up whenever I meet new people. As a result, I guess I come off as unfriendly or cold. Even when I make an effort to be friendly or reach out, my inner critic will always lash out at me, laughing at how lame my attempts are and how the other person probably finds me weird as hell. I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to be confident in myself and approach someone.

I guess I'll have to start with having a brand new roomie? I know that this is something that has to happen in order for me to become a new person and have a fresh start. You know what? I'm going to make a list of promises to myself for uni. Here goes:

1. I promise to be more outgoing and sociable, and not shy away from new people.
2. I promise to not be such a control freak. When confronted with the unpredictable, I'll instead learn to let things move as they should.
3. I promise not to judge myself/ be my own worst critic.

That's it for now, it may seem little but they're all easier said than done :( I'll add more to the list later.

I feel like I've changed a lot since the last time I was here (i.e. 2011) but I can't seem to figure out how. I can't remember how I used to be back then and how it differs from how I am now. And it's hard to tear myself out of my body to examine every single detail and compare it to the old me (if that made sense??) But I do know some things.

1. I'm anxious when people don't text me back immediately sometimes esp when it's about important things. And I know the reason for this as well. It's because of how I used to frantically explain myself to B and her lack of response depressed me because I felt I wasn't getting through.
2. I doubt myself frequently. I guess I got over exposed to harsh criticism over the last two years and it made me lose confidence in myself. When I heard other people throwing mean comments at me, I guess I remembered those comments and thought they must be true, if I heard it so much. 
3. I stress out over not having control over the situation. I guess this is kind of linked to the previous one. My logic is that if I have control, I can formulate a suitable response to combat the situation and have enough time to analyse the pros and cons.

It's a long list and I'm working on it :( Root for me won't you? I think I really need it sigh. 

and if you have to go,
well always know that you shine brighter than anyone does

❤️always,
Hazel

in all my spite...

... i'll turn it off

I guess I'll be coming on here pretty often at least for the time being. Work was alright today, although my computer crashed and I had to wait until it was fixed, which by then it was already 4PM, so I couldn't really do much before the work day ended. I'm just really looking forward to next week.

Is it possible to go through all five stages of grief in one day, and the next day regress and go through them again? I'm not sure if that made sense but let me try and explain. First off, let me list and elaborate on the five stages of grief for better clarity (ugh I'm such a nerd)

• Stage 1: Denial, whereby one substitutes their own preferable reality instead of the one they are confronted with in an attempt to comfort themselves.
• Stage 2: Anger, whereby the individual begins lashing out at anything and everything around them, whether related to their loss or not.
• Stage 3: Bargaining, whereby one starts to reason with a higher entity, offering anything they have in exchange of getting what they lost back.
• Stage 4: Depression, whereby the individual is constantly harbouring thoughts such as "what's the point?" "it's not worth it" along with a sharp decrease in functionality.
• Stage 5: Acceptance, whereby the individual starts believing that things will look up, and that they will get through this no matter how hard it is. 

So I went through all of these stages yesterday. By the end of yesterday, I had come to accept my loss and even told myself that "I was alright". But something strange happened this morning, and I went from being at Stage 5, acceptance, all the way back to Stage 2, anger. I was angry at the individual involved for ______________. I was angry that I couldn't depend on them anymore, and angry that I couldn't call them mine anymore. My anger slowly turned into bargaining, Stage 3, albeit slightly different, when I reasoned with myself that I could still enjoy certain parts of them, whilst ignoring the other parts that caused me pain. And I progressed on to depression, where I was constantly asking myself, "what's the point of loving so intensely and completely? It will surely end sooner rather than later", "I was absolutely nothing to them, I will always be a second choice". But right now as I'm typing this, I'm back at acceptance again. 

It's so strange. 

Maybe this is what the healing process consists of. We heal, then regress, and go through the different stages again, slightly differently each time, and heal again, and this goes on for who knows how long.  I don't know when I'll be able to stay at Stage 5 permanently, which would mean that I'm well and truly over it, but it has to happen sometime right? I just don't know when, and that's the hard part. 

All I can say now is that I feel so dirty when it comes to anything to do with _______. Seeing pictures of _______ which used to make me feel so happy and giddy now makes me feel like I'm trespassing. Appreciating the way they do each and every single thing, how they move, smile, laugh, talk, sing, dance, makes me feel like a thief, because all those actions belong to someone else now. They were never mine in the first place, I just claimed them without knowing it was already taken. I feel so disgusted with how I used to enjoy all those things about ______. I even deleted ________ on my phone because I felt so damn dirty using it, when they are someone else's. I feel like I don't have anything anymore. 

I don't know if I'll go back to the early stages of grief and loss tomorrow again, but if I do, I'll keep you posted.

A/N: On a side note, it shocks me how accurately I'm following the Küber Röss model for the five stages of loss and grief. He/she was clearly genius enough to come up with a simple formula to summarise the emotional stages of every single individual dealing with post loss and post grief, no matter how different these experiences may be/ the variation of everyone's personalities. It's truly amazing.

Oh and I saw some old acquaintances today but luckily it turned out to be a mere hi-bye situation... really thankful for that.

Things are kinda spiralling out of control here... the numerous plans I made in July feel like they are falling apart and I have no control over whether they happen or not. I hate not having control, it makes me feel weak and useless. But just as I thought this, God reminded me of a verse. 

And He said to me, "My Grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

If I feel weak because I don't have control, all the more I should rejoice in not having the control I desperately want, because when I am weak, then I am made strong by the grace of God. It's hard to fathom, even illogical, but then again, faith defies all logic. 

If you're reading this, please take a moment to pray for the people of South Korea. If you haven't heard, the MERS virus is threatening to spread within their country, and the government is doing their best to contain it. Pray that God will cast His healing over the people who are affected by it, and cover the entire nation with His protection and comfort especially in this trying time. Pray also for the medical and healthcare professionals who are currently fighting, that He will grant them with his holy strength and protect them from the illness as well. 

So now that I kinda lost my obsession, I don't really know what to do with my time... haha. I need to find a new past time asap. Anyone has any recommendations? I'm currently watching the latest PLL but I have to wait one week for the next episode and that's just too long sigh. It's Friday tomorrow but no current plans for the weekend ahead, just maybe sleeping in? 

I'll keep you posted :)

❤️ always,

Hazel

Always.

Yesssss I know it hasn't even been an hour since my last post but there's just so much to update! 3 years in two posts. I think I deserve some sort of award.

Anyway shortly after A levels, I started working as a temp in UOB in December 2014. Sounds pretty fancy huh? Nope, it's just paper work and more paper work everyday. It's insanely mundane. To make it worse, the people here aren't the best either- they're all caught up with obtaining the latest gossip and spreading it as wide as possible. I guess this job helped me realise how the office environment works- ruthlessly. But hey, it's good money.

In April I received my A level results, and was sorely disappointed to say the least. I didn't do too badly, but they were way below my expectations. Thus began the darkest days of the year, and I'm not even exaggerating. I had numerous rows with my parents, all of which worsened my relationship with them, not that it was perfect in the first place. As uni applications drew to a close, I could only pray and wait for that one phone call or email to tell me I was selected for an interview- not even acceptance yet but interview. I applied for Unisim as my last choice and got called immediately the following week, not that I was very thrilled about that. But at least it was something. A back up plan, I guess.

The whole of April passed with no news. It was during this time that I got a new obsession which I shall not name, that helped me get through the hopeless and depressing days. I used it as a crutch to lean on, as an instant happy pill to distract me from that fact that there was no news. I was so utterly dependent on it, but it never failed to get me through day after day and I guess that's all that matters right? And all my colleagues hounding me about results and uni and applications and courses did not help one bit.

But finally, finally, all due to God's grace, I was called up for an interview by NTU. I WAS SO FREAKING HAPPY. I'll never forget that feeling. To cut the story short, I attended the interview, and about one week plus later...

I GOT INTO NTU ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I know it's not a big deal compared to other courses like medicine, business or whatever. But hey, considering my UES, and the fact that it's a subject I love with all my heart: it is a pretty big deal to me.

So that was around middle of May, and the next few weeks passed uneventfully. I'm currently planning a trip to Korea with my long time neighbour, and I really hope it goes through, what with all the MERS outbreak and all, cause we've already booked tickets :( Please pray hard that it will be contained :(

Back to what made me come back here. Remember my obsession, the one that I used to get me through my waiting for uni calls phase? Yup, a few days ago I found out something about it that broke my heart. Literally, and I would say that the pain was comparable to what happened in 2010 ( you can read allllll about it in my older blog posts) even though I was only into it for about a month plus. All of a sudden I felt as if my crutch had been snatched away, and I was left standing all on my own. I couldn't find my balance and I felt lost. I had no idea what to do with my time anymore, and my heart hurt. I literally went through the five stages of grief. If you knew what my obsession was about then you'd probably accuse me of over reacting, so all the more I won't name it hahaha.

But realising my obsession's purpose made everything clearer. I used it as a source of happiness. And I guess God is fair. Now that I don't really need to get through anything (uni stuff settled and all), I don't really need that crutch anymore. So He took it away. And I guess it was about time too, since it was rapidly becoming the centre of my life, when only He should be the centre of my life. I wasn't/ am not ready to let it go yet, but I'm trying to at least reduce my dependence on it (I sound like a drug addict ugh I promise you it's not drugs). It still hurts every now and then but it's getting better. I have no idea how things will pan out because I already committed to something related to my obsession about month or so down the road, but I'll keep you posted on how things turn out. I hope I can still muster the enthusiasm to actually go to it.

If anyone's reading this and has the habit of using things or people as an emotional crutch, I want to say this: DO NOT BE ASHAMED OF IT. We all need sources of happiness and they come from different places. It's okay to let yourself be comforted by something or someone, but do be ready for the moment that it will be taken away. After all, life is unpredictable. And this may not be the best advice, but if you lose one source, look for another. Life is full of happiness, you just have to find it.

And no, I haven't found it yet. All I know is that my God will always be there for me, and He takes things away for a reason :)

❤️always,
Hazel