Always.

Yesssss I know it hasn't even been an hour since my last post but there's just so much to update! 3 years in two posts. I think I deserve some sort of award.

Anyway shortly after A levels, I started working as a temp in UOB in December 2014. Sounds pretty fancy huh? Nope, it's just paper work and more paper work everyday. It's insanely mundane. To make it worse, the people here aren't the best either- they're all caught up with obtaining the latest gossip and spreading it as wide as possible. I guess this job helped me realise how the office environment works- ruthlessly. But hey, it's good money.

In April I received my A level results, and was sorely disappointed to say the least. I didn't do too badly, but they were way below my expectations. Thus began the darkest days of the year, and I'm not even exaggerating. I had numerous rows with my parents, all of which worsened my relationship with them, not that it was perfect in the first place. As uni applications drew to a close, I could only pray and wait for that one phone call or email to tell me I was selected for an interview- not even acceptance yet but interview. I applied for Unisim as my last choice and got called immediately the following week, not that I was very thrilled about that. But at least it was something. A back up plan, I guess.

The whole of April passed with no news. It was during this time that I got a new obsession which I shall not name, that helped me get through the hopeless and depressing days. I used it as a crutch to lean on, as an instant happy pill to distract me from that fact that there was no news. I was so utterly dependent on it, but it never failed to get me through day after day and I guess that's all that matters right? And all my colleagues hounding me about results and uni and applications and courses did not help one bit.

But finally, finally, all due to God's grace, I was called up for an interview by NTU. I WAS SO FREAKING HAPPY. I'll never forget that feeling. To cut the story short, I attended the interview, and about one week plus later...

I GOT INTO NTU ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I know it's not a big deal compared to other courses like medicine, business or whatever. But hey, considering my UES, and the fact that it's a subject I love with all my heart: it is a pretty big deal to me.

So that was around middle of May, and the next few weeks passed uneventfully. I'm currently planning a trip to Korea with my long time neighbour, and I really hope it goes through, what with all the MERS outbreak and all, cause we've already booked tickets :( Please pray hard that it will be contained :(

Back to what made me come back here. Remember my obsession, the one that I used to get me through my waiting for uni calls phase? Yup, a few days ago I found out something about it that broke my heart. Literally, and I would say that the pain was comparable to what happened in 2010 ( you can read allllll about it in my older blog posts) even though I was only into it for about a month plus. All of a sudden I felt as if my crutch had been snatched away, and I was left standing all on my own. I couldn't find my balance and I felt lost. I had no idea what to do with my time anymore, and my heart hurt. I literally went through the five stages of grief. If you knew what my obsession was about then you'd probably accuse me of over reacting, so all the more I won't name it hahaha.

But realising my obsession's purpose made everything clearer. I used it as a source of happiness. And I guess God is fair. Now that I don't really need to get through anything (uni stuff settled and all), I don't really need that crutch anymore. So He took it away. And I guess it was about time too, since it was rapidly becoming the centre of my life, when only He should be the centre of my life. I wasn't/ am not ready to let it go yet, but I'm trying to at least reduce my dependence on it (I sound like a drug addict ugh I promise you it's not drugs). It still hurts every now and then but it's getting better. I have no idea how things will pan out because I already committed to something related to my obsession about month or so down the road, but I'll keep you posted on how things turn out. I hope I can still muster the enthusiasm to actually go to it.

If anyone's reading this and has the habit of using things or people as an emotional crutch, I want to say this: DO NOT BE ASHAMED OF IT. We all need sources of happiness and they come from different places. It's okay to let yourself be comforted by something or someone, but do be ready for the moment that it will be taken away. After all, life is unpredictable. And this may not be the best advice, but if you lose one source, look for another. Life is full of happiness, you just have to find it.

And no, I haven't found it yet. All I know is that my God will always be there for me, and He takes things away for a reason :)

❤️always,
Hazel