I guess I'll be coming on here pretty often at least for the time being. Work was alright today, although my computer crashed and I had to wait until it was fixed, which by then it was already 4PM, so I couldn't really do much before the work day ended. I'm just really looking forward to next week.
Is it possible to go through all five stages of grief in one day, and the next day regress and go through them again? I'm not sure if that made sense but let me try and explain. First off, let me list and elaborate on the five stages of grief for better clarity (ugh I'm such a nerd)
- Stage 1: Denial, whereby one substitutes their own preferable reality instead of the one they are confronted with in an attempt to comfort themselves.
- Stage 2: Anger, whereby the individual begins lashing out at anything and everything around them, whether related to their loss or not.
- Stage 3: Bargaining, whereby one starts to reason with a higher entity, offering anything they have in exchange of getting what they lost back.
- Stage 4: Depression, whereby the individual is constantly harbouring thoughts such as "what's the point?" "it's not worth it" along with a sharp decrease in functionality.
- Stage 5: Acceptance, whereby the individual starts believing that things will look up, and that they will get through this no matter how hard it is.
So I went through all of these stages yesterday. By the end of yesterday, I had come to accept my loss and even told myself that "I was alright". But something strange happened this morning, and I went from being at Stage 5, acceptance, all the way back to Stage 2, anger. I was angry at the individual involved for ______________. I was angry that I couldn't depend on them anymore, and angry that I couldn't call them mine anymore. My anger slowly turned into bargaining, Stage 3, albeit slightly different, when I reasoned with myself that I could still enjoy certain parts of them, whilst ignoring the other parts that caused me pain. And I progressed on to depression, where I was constantly asking myself, "what's the point of loving so intensely and completely? It will surely end sooner rather than later", "I was absolutely nothing to them, I will always be a second choice". But right now as I'm typing this, I'm back at acceptance again.
It's so strange.
Maybe this is what the healing process consists of. We heal, then regress, and go through the different stages again, slightly differently each time, and heal again, and this goes on for who knows how long. I don't know when I'll be able to stay at Stage 5 permanently, which would mean that I'm well and truly over it, but it has to happen sometime right? I just don't know when, and that's the hard part.
All I can say now is that I feel so dirty when it comes to anything to do with _______. Seeing pictures of _______ which used to make me feel so happy and giddy now makes me feel like I'm trespassing. Appreciating the way they do each and every single thing, how they move, smile, laugh, talk, sing, dance, makes me feel like a thief, because all those actions belong to someone else now. They were never mine in the first place, I just claimed them without knowing it was already taken. I feel so disgusted with how I used to enjoy all those things about ______. I even deleted ________ on my phone because I felt so damn dirty using it, when they are someone else's. I feel like I don't have anything anymore.
I don't know if I'll go back to the early stages of grief and loss tomorrow again, but if I do, I'll keep you posted.
A/N: On a side note, it shocks me how accurately I'm following the Küber Röss model for the five stages of loss and grief. He/she was clearly genius enough to come up with a simple formula to summarise the emotional stages of every single individual dealing with post loss and post grief, no matter how different these experiences may be/ the variation of everyone's personalities. It's truly amazing.
Oh and I saw some old acquaintances today but luckily it turned out to be a mere hi-bye situation... really thankful for that.
Things are kinda spiralling out of control here... the numerous plans I made in July feel like they are falling apart and I have no control over whether they happen or not. I hate not having control, it makes me feel weak and useless. But just as I thought this, God reminded me of a verse.
And He said to me, "My Grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
If I feel weak because I don't have control, all the more I should rejoice in not having the control I desperately want, because when I am weak, then I am made strong by the grace of God. It's hard to fathom, even illogical, but then again, faith defies all logic.
If you're reading this, please take a moment to pray for the people of South Korea. If you haven't heard, the MERS virus is threatening to spread within their country, and the government is doing their best to contain it. Pray that God will cast His healing over the people who are affected by it, and cover the entire nation with His protection and comfort especially in this trying time. Pray also for the medical and healthcare professionals who are currently fighting, that He will grant them with his holy strength and protect them from the illness as well.
So now that I kinda lost my obsession, I don't really know what to do with my time... haha. I need to find a new past time asap. Anyone has any recommendations? I'm currently watching the latest PLL but I have to wait one week for the next episode and that's just too long sigh. It's Friday tomorrow but no current plans for the weekend ahead, just maybe sleeping in?
I'll keep you posted :)
❤️ always,
Hazel
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