brighter

now i think we're taking this too far
don't you know that it's not this hard

I'm not even sure where I stand right now in the five stages of grief haha I'm a hot mess. I hate this, I can't stop thinking of you every time I need the slightest bit of comfort or reassurance. I'm constantly going back and forth between "nothing has changed, only I have" and "everything has changed" and I can't seem to make up my mind, because both versions seem to make sense to me. One moment I'm convincing myself that I can go back to being who I was before this, getting happy and excited over ________ because nothing has changed. But a second later, I'll log onto ______ and start feeling so filthy and critical of every single thing that they do or say. And I can't seem to get that enthusiastic over them anymore, it's just gone. It's not that I don't like them anymore, I do. I just feel nothing inside? I don't even know anymore.

but if you take what's yours and i take mine
must we go there?
if i'm without you then i will feel so small

ugh I'm so annoyed bc I still can't figure out how to use my mac properly... I don't know how to repeat a song on iTunes for instance (and it's still messed up with so many songs missing from when I imported it from my PC ugh) and I don't know how to turn on auto capitalisation and a bunch of other things. All the shortcuts (two finger swipe, three finger whatever, screenshot, emoji) stay in my brain for no less than a day before I forget them again :'(

In other news, the mother tried to get me to go back to youth group again. She said I should "mix around with more Christian friends". Let me explain how many things are wrong with that statement. Firstly, I haven't gone to youth group properly in years, but I still have plenty of Christian friends. oh how can that possibly be??? Simple: CHRISTIANS DO NOT EXIST ONLY IN CHURCH. I don't have to go to church to find friends of the same religion as me, I already have. And I feel like these friends that I have right now do a better job of supporting me than people in youth group ever would. The reason being that these are people I choose to hang out with more than once a week, I make the effort to maintain a friendship with them no matter what stage we're at in our lives. But I have never met anyone like that in the youth groups I've been to, and I find it too perverse to share details of my personal and spiritual journey with a group of people I see once a week. Secondly, going to church to find friends seems really off to me. I know fellowship with others is important, but I don't think it should be the main focus. 

There's really something wrong with the youth group culture here.

I recently got some news that my supposed room mate is most likely getting a single by herself (long story) and so now I'm left alone to try for a double, and I might be staying with a random stranger?? I have no control over this now and that just makes the control freak in me freak out. I'm trying not to but I can't help but imagine all the worst things that could happen, like me getting a horrible room mate (foreigner, unhygienic, unsuitable personalities, uncool etc) and I CAN'T CONTROL IT. I hate this.

Btw your excuses are lame as hell. And you haven't even apologised once. I don't appreciate how you're so unreliable all the time and how you don't know how to comfort people when i've always tried to do that for you. And the worst part is that I can't get angry/ am scared of getting angry because it might mean that I lose a friend?? So I don't know any other reaction other than to let it slide and get stepped all over in the process.

I know maybe this might be a blessing in disguise, something that is prodding me out of my comfort zone but I'm so worried and I don't want to leave it. (who does?) Being this introverted is something that only happened within the last two years (I don't know when) and it's something I really hate about myself, but I automatically retreat with defences up whenever I meet new people. As a result, I guess I come off as unfriendly or cold. Even when I make an effort to be friendly or reach out, my inner critic will always lash out at me, laughing at how lame my attempts are and how the other person probably finds me weird as hell. I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to be confident in myself and approach someone.

I guess I'll have to start with having a brand new roomie? I know that this is something that has to happen in order for me to become a new person and have a fresh start. You know what? I'm going to make a list of promises to myself for uni. Here goes:

1. I promise to be more outgoing and sociable, and not shy away from new people.
2. I promise to not be such a control freak. When confronted with the unpredictable, I'll instead learn to let things move as they should.
3. I promise not to judge myself/ be my own worst critic.

That's it for now, it may seem little but they're all easier said than done :( I'll add more to the list later.

I feel like I've changed a lot since the last time I was here (i.e. 2011) but I can't seem to figure out how. I can't remember how I used to be back then and how it differs from how I am now. And it's hard to tear myself out of my body to examine every single detail and compare it to the old me (if that made sense??) But I do know some things.

1. I'm anxious when people don't text me back immediately sometimes esp when it's about important things. And I know the reason for this as well. It's because of how I used to frantically explain myself to B and her lack of response depressed me because I felt I wasn't getting through.
2. I doubt myself frequently. I guess I got over exposed to harsh criticism over the last two years and it made me lose confidence in myself. When I heard other people throwing mean comments at me, I guess I remembered those comments and thought they must be true, if I heard it so much. 
3. I stress out over not having control over the situation. I guess this is kind of linked to the previous one. My logic is that if I have control, I can formulate a suitable response to combat the situation and have enough time to analyse the pros and cons.

It's a long list and I'm working on it :( Root for me won't you? I think I really need it sigh. 

and if you have to go,
well always know that you shine brighter than anyone does

❤️always,
Hazel