Okay so I was wrong about a few things. 1. today was not productive >.> 2. the butterflies are still there.
That's about all, thankfully. With everyday that passes it gets further and further from what happened and I'm grateful for that, even though it means the holidays are gonna end soon. Maybe it's for the better since this week was no different from a school week. And I just discovered (Y) means thumbs up and not heart and (N) means thumbs down. MSN works wonders.
I heart my copy of Goodbye Lullaby :) it was the last deluxe version! Anddd it came with a tote bag with 'what the hell' on the front. Whoohoo :) There was worship practice again today which means my fingers are dead. We played so much that both mine and my friend's guitar decided to go off tune at the same time which is pretty freaky. I think I managed to tune it back on my own though so yay :) because I need to use it tomorrow for literature. whaaat? that's right.
I just realised that because I've been posting after 12 midnight so the date below is 18, not 17. Oh well, i still wrote this on the 17th of March 2011 :) I love this smiley face btw :)
Okay so... I don't really know what's going on up here. I hope it's getting better though but truth be told I haven't really have had much time to think about what's been happening lately. Overanalysis: always a part of my life.
I almost forgot the progress bar! LOL that's so nerd but whatever :)
Progress bar: 9% We're gettin' there.
'Cause I'm 4real, are you 4real?
♥hazel.
No wait, the time & date thing on this blog is messed up so all's good :)
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
when push comes to shove
Let's see, we are on day 3 now.
Progress bar: 7% full. Getting better. Whoo hoo! :)
I feeling positively a lot better. Today I had worship prac. My fingers are beyond bruised and I'm kinda hoping I'll get this hard skin thing over them. But they're really hard to keep and if I don't play for about a day they'll run away :(
My homework pile is still towering over me and I have no willpower to clear it. I did about three quarters of bio today. Tomorrow will be a serious homework day. Mark my words, I will report back tomorrow. I kind of like when my head is overwhelmed with things I have to get done and remember. It helps to forget and maybe by the end of this week it'll be up to 15%? Slow, i know, but that's how it goes.
I'm feeling so much better but i know better, obviously.okay i think i'm tired and my fingers need a rest. laterrr :)
everybody feels this way, yeah and it's okay
lalalalala it's okay.
♥hazel.
Progress bar: 7% full. Getting better. Whoo hoo! :)
I feeling positively a lot better. Today I had worship prac. My fingers are beyond bruised and I'm kinda hoping I'll get this hard skin thing over them. But they're really hard to keep and if I don't play for about a day they'll run away :(
My homework pile is still towering over me and I have no willpower to clear it. I did about three quarters of bio today. Tomorrow will be a serious homework day. Mark my words, I will report back tomorrow. I kind of like when my head is overwhelmed with things I have to get done and remember. It helps to forget and maybe by the end of this week it'll be up to 15%? Slow, i know, but that's how it goes.
I'm feeling so much better but i know better, obviously.okay i think i'm tired and my fingers need a rest. laterrr :)
everybody feels this way, yeah and it's okay
lalalalala it's okay.
♥hazel.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
goodbye, brown eyes.
DAY 1.
Technically this is supposed to be posted on 14th March but I was kinda in camp so instead I'm typing it up now. I know this seems kind of lame but I'm gonna start on this day by day blogging thing hoping it might help with getting over some darker stuff. Honesty is brutal, but hey, no judgment here right?
Today was slightly better. Here's the truth: i found out that a big part of my life for the last two years is now gone and with someone else. I think I knew the truth all along but I was just denying it. Serves me right. My mentality is screwed up because I think they're kinda cute together because he's waiting for her and she's trusting him not to run away. No bonds, but it's as good as having one. Isn't that so sweet? See how messed up I am? I'm thinking my excrush and another girl are so cute together and there's not even a hint of jealousy. But I think I made at least 10% progress today. The butterflies are gone and I can't say I miss them. What I can't get over is that moment, when I thought we were. Going at this rate, I think i'll be okay in 10 days. Not.
It's so hard to handle. I don't think I can do this. I hate having to pretend everything's okay when it's not. The reason why I'm okay with posting this publicly is that even if the subject comes on here and reads this, as far as I know, he is/will be totally clueless and just think i'm a psycho. I think i'm gonna skip church cell for an inordinate amount of time. I know it's wrong but i can't deal with this.
DAY 2
Okayyy so. Deeeeeeep breath. So many things happened in the past few days and it's so overwhelming. 1: There are more skeletons in the closet than I thought. 2: backstabbing namecalling secretlyhating. 3: last time:out of the loop, now: in the loop, and not exactly sure I want to be. 4: i'm not exactly sure i'm convinced that you're not superficial and I don't think I wanna join a group of friends that make me uncomfortable. 5: HTHT with someone I'm not really close to but the best option at that moment can actually help. 6: things have changed but I don't know if it's for the better or worse.
We are changed to bring about change. to bring about change. And I hate change.
The progress bar right now has dwindled to about 5%. It hurts more than yesterday and I don't know why. Isn't it supposed to get better with time? I think i need to loosen up. goodbye, brown eyes. goodbye for now.
this feelings i can't take no more
this emptyness in the bottom drawer
is gettin' harder to pretend
and i'm not coming back around again
that was then
now it's the end
i'm not coming back
i cant pretend
remember when.
i hope i get better soon too.
♥hazel.
Technically this is supposed to be posted on 14th March but I was kinda in camp so instead I'm typing it up now. I know this seems kind of lame but I'm gonna start on this day by day blogging thing hoping it might help with getting over some darker stuff. Honesty is brutal, but hey, no judgment here right?
Today was slightly better. Here's the truth: i found out that a big part of my life for the last two years is now gone and with someone else. I think I knew the truth all along but I was just denying it. Serves me right. My mentality is screwed up because I think they're kinda cute together because he's waiting for her and she's trusting him not to run away. No bonds, but it's as good as having one. Isn't that so sweet? See how messed up I am? I'm thinking my excrush and another girl are so cute together and there's not even a hint of jealousy. But I think I made at least 10% progress today. The butterflies are gone and I can't say I miss them. What I can't get over is that moment, when I thought we were. Going at this rate, I think i'll be okay in 10 days. Not.
It's so hard to handle. I don't think I can do this. I hate having to pretend everything's okay when it's not. The reason why I'm okay with posting this publicly is that even if the subject comes on here and reads this, as far as I know, he is/will be totally clueless and just think i'm a psycho. I think i'm gonna skip church cell for an inordinate amount of time. I know it's wrong but i can't deal with this.
DAY 2
Okayyy so. Deeeeeeep breath. So many things happened in the past few days and it's so overwhelming. 1: There are more skeletons in the closet than I thought. 2: backstabbing namecalling secretlyhating. 3: last time:out of the loop, now: in the loop, and not exactly sure I want to be. 4: i'm not exactly sure i'm convinced that you're not superficial and I don't think I wanna join a group of friends that make me uncomfortable. 5: HTHT with someone I'm not really close to but the best option at that moment can actually help. 6: things have changed but I don't know if it's for the better or worse.
We are changed to bring about change. to bring about change. And I hate change.
The progress bar right now has dwindled to about 5%. It hurts more than yesterday and I don't know why. Isn't it supposed to get better with time? I think i need to loosen up. goodbye, brown eyes. goodbye for now.
this feelings i can't take no more
this emptyness in the bottom drawer
is gettin' harder to pretend
and i'm not coming back around again
that was then
now it's the end
i'm not coming back
i cant pretend
remember when.
i hope i get better soon too.
♥hazel.
Friday, February 25, 2011
i wish you were here.
All this talking to you
I dont know what I'm to do
I don't know where you stand,
what's inside of your head
All this thinkin' of you
Is that what you're doing too?
You're always on my mind
I talk about you all of the time.
3A1 is better than expected, though it might take some getting used to. I don't like changes, but after they're put in place sometimes I'm okay with it. Remember i mentioned if sec 3 was gonna be like sec 2- just nothing? Well, it's not really but maybe by the end of the year i'll change my mind. I hate SPAs. We have them once a week and now i'm starting to understand why it's so stressful. Make that once a week, times 3.
i got goodbye lullaby! Downloaded but still awesome. I love everything on it :) don't worry, i'll still totally get the real hardcopy plastic round things that still exist and they're called CDs. I love 'Not Enough' and 'Push' but 'Wish You Were Here' is really catchy too. i love avril, she writes the story of my life. more than any other artist. I wish she would come here to do promo though, since she went to Hong Kong a few days ago. I wouldn't even hesitate a second to skip school or something to go haha. & the acoustic guitar in the songs are so cool, i'm really going to have to practice a lot more and learn some of them. Right now they mostly sound like they need a capo. i could be wrong though, i'm still not good at playing by ear. The drums sound okay, just a lot of bass, snare and some hi hats and crashes here and there.
End rant. And by the way? I think I need to brush up on my consoling skills because apparently my 'tactic', or lack thereof, didn't work as well as hers. we'll see how it goes from now and honestly i don't know what to hope for. Either way, someone will get hurt and i'm not sure i can face the consequences. Should i just bail? if I do, and even if i don't, i'll wonder for the next few weeks what would have happened if i did/didn't.
It's not enough, it's not enough to get me
what it is I want, it's not enough,
it's not enough to get me everything i need.
And i, i wish it was.
I think it's time to give this up.
It's not enough, it's not enough.
I apologise for that because i'm currently listening to GL on repeat ^^ It's so good, so much better than Taylor. sorry! when Avril gets down here i'm gonna get front row seats with some other friends that are as dedicated :) This might sound creepy but we're planning to mob her at the airport. I have no idea how they get information about that but all's good :D
Maybe you should just shut up
Even when it gets tough
Baby 'cause this is love
And even when push comes to shove,
it's gonna take the both of us.
Baby this is love.
You and me, we can both start over
Just the two of us, we can get a little closer
So follow me, honestly, and you will see ♥
i love you,
hazel.
I dont know what I'm to do
I don't know where you stand,
what's inside of your head
All this thinkin' of you
Is that what you're doing too?
You're always on my mind
I talk about you all of the time.
3A1 is better than expected, though it might take some getting used to. I don't like changes, but after they're put in place sometimes I'm okay with it. Remember i mentioned if sec 3 was gonna be like sec 2- just nothing? Well, it's not really but maybe by the end of the year i'll change my mind. I hate SPAs. We have them once a week and now i'm starting to understand why it's so stressful. Make that once a week, times 3.
i got goodbye lullaby! Downloaded but still awesome. I love everything on it :) don't worry, i'll still totally get the real hardcopy plastic round things that still exist and they're called CDs. I love 'Not Enough' and 'Push' but 'Wish You Were Here' is really catchy too. i love avril, she writes the story of my life. more than any other artist. I wish she would come here to do promo though, since she went to Hong Kong a few days ago. I wouldn't even hesitate a second to skip school or something to go haha. & the acoustic guitar in the songs are so cool, i'm really going to have to practice a lot more and learn some of them. Right now they mostly sound like they need a capo. i could be wrong though, i'm still not good at playing by ear. The drums sound okay, just a lot of bass, snare and some hi hats and crashes here and there.
End rant. And by the way? I think I need to brush up on my consoling skills because apparently my 'tactic', or lack thereof, didn't work as well as hers. we'll see how it goes from now and honestly i don't know what to hope for. Either way, someone will get hurt and i'm not sure i can face the consequences. Should i just bail? if I do, and even if i don't, i'll wonder for the next few weeks what would have happened if i did/didn't.
It's not enough, it's not enough to get me
what it is I want, it's not enough,
it's not enough to get me everything i need.
And i, i wish it was.
I think it's time to give this up.
It's not enough, it's not enough.
I apologise for that because i'm currently listening to GL on repeat ^^ It's so good, so much better than Taylor. sorry! when Avril gets down here i'm gonna get front row seats with some other friends that are as dedicated :) This might sound creepy but we're planning to mob her at the airport. I have no idea how they get information about that but all's good :D
Maybe you should just shut up
Even when it gets tough
Baby 'cause this is love
And even when push comes to shove,
it's gonna take the both of us.
Baby this is love.
You and me, we can both start over
Just the two of us, we can get a little closer
So follow me, honestly, and you will see ♥
i love you,
hazel.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What the hellllll.
I didn't pass the test.
After 2 weeks of making up my mind. Addictions usually take a week or so to shake off but this one is a whole lot harder since I went two weeks and I still failed. I thought I was doing well but turns out I wasn't. I am/was 75% sure that we are/were done and today that 25% comes haunting me. It's threatening to push my certainty to about 20%. Am I letting it? Should I let it?
It's frustrating how the minority comes into play just because it's you.
Ahhhhhhh i don't know what else to write here. I'm sort of looking forward to this coming week because it's only what, 3 days of school? and Wednesday is a half day. Talk about SLACK. Yayyy :)
Why do flu medicines have lemon flavour in them/taste sour? If lemon/sourness plays a role in preventing/curing flus I should be flu-free for about a million years by now.
♥hazel
After 2 weeks of making up my mind. Addictions usually take a week or so to shake off but this one is a whole lot harder since I went two weeks and I still failed. I thought I was doing well but turns out I wasn't. I am/was 75% sure that we are/were done and today that 25% comes haunting me. It's threatening to push my certainty to about 20%. Am I letting it? Should I let it?
It's frustrating how the minority comes into play just because it's you.
Ahhhhhhh i don't know what else to write here. I'm sort of looking forward to this coming week because it's only what, 3 days of school? and Wednesday is a half day. Talk about SLACK. Yayyy :)
Why do flu medicines have lemon flavour in them/taste sour? If lemon/sourness plays a role in preventing/curing flus I should be flu-free for about a million years by now.
♥hazel
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Decisions, decisions.
Today was so entirely fun. Went to Marina Barrage for a picnic/stand around with Hosea! Yayyy.
The day started out pretty slow but I eventually managed to get to Marina Barrage. On time. I brought muffins baked the previous day and I'll admit that it's my mistake to have brought like 10 of them there because at the end of it, only like 3 were eaten. I should have learned my lesson from previous potlucks but neverrr mind. I'll bring like 5 next time. There were like 10 people so maybe the formula is to halve what you made. I'm such a nerd :)
And I was really really really kind of shocked when there was actually a cake. More like a brownie but yeah. Turns out that Aaron baked it for me and Phoebe because our birthdays were around this time. that was really sweet of him!! he woke up at like 8 this morning to bake it. At that time I was like fast asleep hehe. So thoughtful lol. THANK YOU AARON! :)
Then we went to Raffles' City to find food. haha i think we wasted about an hour standing around trying to decide what was cheapest. hosea is a fan of standing around doing nothing LOL. We stayed around until 6.30 because we had to walk across half the shopping centre to find a toilet. seriouslyy. And i didn't know Clarence lived in the hougang area too! So awesome that i had someone to go home with instead of being the odd one when everyone else was like living in central or something.
I want to join Philotheos. I just think it's really cool to be playing music and glorifying God at the same time, but am I good enough? And how do I even try to get in? I know there are auditions and that's the thing I hate the most. I'm not even respectably good at guitar. I can't read notes, I can't pluck really complicated stuff like I hear during worship. What the hell, I don't even think I have the right guitar. It's acoustic and all but it can't plug in. i guess i'll just pray about it and see what happens :)
And I want to skip GB camp and go for church camp instead. It's like sec 1 to 3 camp and I wanna go because it's my last year to go. And no doubt it will be wayyy better than GB camp. I heard last year that someone skipped GB camp because she had church camp so I'll see if I can do that too. It would so make my week if I find out that i can.
I guess that's pretty much all that's happening right about now. Class tests are like next weekish and ughhhhhh. looking forward to 21st though, celebratory barbecue dinner for the sec 1 camp comm 2011! and then 23rd Jan, music video for WTH! IN 3D. time to dig out those hanna montana 3D glasses! :)
♥hazel
PS: it's been 3days. I'm on my way to believing you're a thing of the past. Let's wait for a week to pass and I'm sure you'll be history :)
The day started out pretty slow but I eventually managed to get to Marina Barrage. On time. I brought muffins baked the previous day and I'll admit that it's my mistake to have brought like 10 of them there because at the end of it, only like 3 were eaten. I should have learned my lesson from previous potlucks but neverrr mind. I'll bring like 5 next time. There were like 10 people so maybe the formula is to halve what you made. I'm such a nerd :)
And I was really really really kind of shocked when there was actually a cake. More like a brownie but yeah. Turns out that Aaron baked it for me and Phoebe because our birthdays were around this time. that was really sweet of him!! he woke up at like 8 this morning to bake it. At that time I was like fast asleep hehe. So thoughtful lol. THANK YOU AARON! :)
Then we went to Raffles' City to find food. haha i think we wasted about an hour standing around trying to decide what was cheapest. hosea is a fan of standing around doing nothing LOL. We stayed around until 6.30 because we had to walk across half the shopping centre to find a toilet. seriouslyy. And i didn't know Clarence lived in the hougang area too! So awesome that i had someone to go home with instead of being the odd one when everyone else was like living in central or something.
I want to join Philotheos. I just think it's really cool to be playing music and glorifying God at the same time, but am I good enough? And how do I even try to get in? I know there are auditions and that's the thing I hate the most. I'm not even respectably good at guitar. I can't read notes, I can't pluck really complicated stuff like I hear during worship. What the hell, I don't even think I have the right guitar. It's acoustic and all but it can't plug in. i guess i'll just pray about it and see what happens :)
And I want to skip GB camp and go for church camp instead. It's like sec 1 to 3 camp and I wanna go because it's my last year to go. And no doubt it will be wayyy better than GB camp. I heard last year that someone skipped GB camp because she had church camp so I'll see if I can do that too. It would so make my week if I find out that i can.
I guess that's pretty much all that's happening right about now. Class tests are like next weekish and ughhhhhh. looking forward to 21st though, celebratory barbecue dinner for the sec 1 camp comm 2011! and then 23rd Jan, music video for WTH! IN 3D. time to dig out those hanna montana 3D glasses! :)
♥hazel
PS: it's been 3days. I'm on my way to believing you're a thing of the past. Let's wait for a week to pass and I'm sure you'll be history :)
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The magical day.
School was alright today.
I really can't stand my e math teacher because she speaks really softly and I can't hear her. Even though i ask her to speak louder loads of times she just goes louder for like 3 words and then back to normal volume. Who says it's only students that speak softly? She's OCD as well but i guess i'm not the best person to say that.
Literature was enlightening. I found out that CCM isn't as pure and innocent as it really is. Why the hell do they have to beat around the bush? Just go "Hey, ask Tantie if I can **** her." Chemistry was fine, we learned ionic equations, which, thankfully, aren't as hard as they sound/look. And then chapel then peer lite refresher course. But there's good news.
PEER LITES ARE GETTING A BADGE!!! Like finally!!!!!! I'm so happy. I heard we're getting a silver tie but i don't really think so. We'd look really weird.
Here's the deal. I don't even see him and haven't even spoken to him and don't even know who he is and he still did it. AND he's your friend. I don't know what the hell is going on in your brain, mister, but i'd like to know. Give me a peek someday alright?
I had a birthday song shared with 2 other people today. One girl's birthday was yesterday, the other is tomorrow. Pretty cool huh? It was really uneventful today, although I'm still waiting for my hoodie to come in the mail about next week. Yayy.
I'm just going to write what I feel at this point of time down here so I don't forget that I ever felt this way. Because it's 100% guaranteed I'm going to change my mind tomorrow or something. I think you're really immature and right now I can't provide one reason to myself why I ever ever ever ____ you. You're just that way by nature and I can't ever see why I thought I was special. And I didn't even get the full extent of the 'treatment'. Maybe it's all His way of not letting me get hurt by not letting me get sucked in. He cared enough to close a door He didn't want me to walk through and I think I see it now and I'm thankful, if that's what he's trying to tell me.
We'll see about that. Meanwhile, it's good to be 15.
♥hazel
I really can't stand my e math teacher because she speaks really softly and I can't hear her. Even though i ask her to speak louder loads of times she just goes louder for like 3 words and then back to normal volume. Who says it's only students that speak softly? She's OCD as well but i guess i'm not the best person to say that.
Literature was enlightening. I found out that CCM isn't as pure and innocent as it really is. Why the hell do they have to beat around the bush? Just go "Hey, ask Tantie if I can **** her." Chemistry was fine, we learned ionic equations, which, thankfully, aren't as hard as they sound/look. And then chapel then peer lite refresher course. But there's good news.
PEER LITES ARE GETTING A BADGE!!! Like finally!!!!!! I'm so happy. I heard we're getting a silver tie but i don't really think so. We'd look really weird.
Here's the deal. I don't even see him and haven't even spoken to him and don't even know who he is and he still did it. AND he's your friend. I don't know what the hell is going on in your brain, mister, but i'd like to know. Give me a peek someday alright?
I had a birthday song shared with 2 other people today. One girl's birthday was yesterday, the other is tomorrow. Pretty cool huh? It was really uneventful today, although I'm still waiting for my hoodie to come in the mail about next week. Yayy.
I'm just going to write what I feel at this point of time down here so I don't forget that I ever felt this way. Because it's 100% guaranteed I'm going to change my mind tomorrow or something. I think you're really immature and right now I can't provide one reason to myself why I ever ever ever ____ you. You're just that way by nature and I can't ever see why I thought I was special. And I didn't even get the full extent of the 'treatment'. Maybe it's all His way of not letting me get hurt by not letting me get sucked in. He cared enough to close a door He didn't want me to walk through and I think I see it now and I'm thankful, if that's what he's trying to tell me.
We'll see about that. Meanwhile, it's good to be 15.
♥hazel
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Enchanted to meet you.
Okay this shall be a quick post.
Today was a holiday for reasons I'm too tired to explain haha. I went out for lunch with the usual people and it was awesome. We visited the icing box and it was reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fun to decorate the cake on our own. After making it we went up to the skygarden to eat it and a group of boys on the other side 'sang' a birthday song for me. So cute! okay well maybe that was more like one person shouting happy birthday but still!
It was really too much to describe but I am sosososososo lucky to have such amazing friends that are willing to spend their free day with me! It's my birthday in half an hour, and in half an hour i'll be 15. It's not that much of a deal.
Oh who am i kidding?
♥hazel.
Today was a holiday for reasons I'm too tired to explain haha. I went out for lunch with the usual people and it was awesome. We visited the icing box and it was reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fun to decorate the cake on our own. After making it we went up to the skygarden to eat it and a group of boys on the other side 'sang' a birthday song for me. So cute! okay well maybe that was more like one person shouting happy birthday but still!
It was really too much to describe but I am sosososososo lucky to have such amazing friends that are willing to spend their free day with me! It's my birthday in half an hour, and in half an hour i'll be 15. It's not that much of a deal.
Oh who am i kidding?
♥hazel.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Look what you've done.
Let's rewind back a few days alright?
I'm being completely honest with myself and you right now. I didn't think the camp was all that successful and I didn't feel the magic of it all on the last day. There was just something missing from it. I wrote a note to everyone I worked with telling them how much I enjoyed working with them and that part isn't a lie. But I just didn't feel that I did a good job leading 1-5. Maybe if I was better in leading their finale night wouldn't have been such a disaster. I don't know why everyone is saying finale night is such a success when to me, it clearly isn't. I don't have to pretend I loved loved loved the camp here and it's better that i don't.
I don't understand why the camp was such a huge success for everyone else and here I am, trying to convince myself that it is but failing. I don't think anyone else thinks the same as I do but that's okay since it's soley my fault that 1-5 didn't perform as well as the other classes. I still don't know how to get them to listen to me. If i was better this wouldn't have happened. No way.
Then I got home and suddenly everything around me started falling apart and I don't know how to fix it. Maybe I should just let the other party fix it. Why should I be the one trying all the time? it's not fair.
And now I finally see it. I don't mean anything to you at all and all this time I was putting you really high on my priorities list when I was no where near the top of it on yours. So now I'm throwing away my mental priorities list but when I do that, I question myself about whether this person really deserves to be taken for granted and then I answer no, which then leads me back to square one. You don't deserve any more chances but I know I'll end up giving you one and get hurt again.
I almost hurt another person today because I thought you remembered. Turns out you didn't, and that person was innocent. She doesn't deserve to be thrown out from her seat and I almost did, only to realise that you didn't give a damn about me. You're the one who doesn't deserve anything at all. I'm so sick and tired of your carefree attitude. The day that you learn to appreciate me is the day I'll forgive you and stop holding grudges, but it's gonna be a long wait.
Don't say I'm sensitive because this isn't the first time that this happened. You don't keep your promises and I'm so tired of putting up with your excuses and apologies. How will I even know if you'll adhere to them? What about next time? Can I trust you the next time you make me a promise? I don't think so.
How the hell would it feel if I cancelled on you, if I twirled you round my little finger and if I took your feelings and stepped all over them? Think about it, alright?
you're not sorry. why don't i ever learn? people don't ever change, no matter how sorry they are.
♥hazel.
I'm being completely honest with myself and you right now. I didn't think the camp was all that successful and I didn't feel the magic of it all on the last day. There was just something missing from it. I wrote a note to everyone I worked with telling them how much I enjoyed working with them and that part isn't a lie. But I just didn't feel that I did a good job leading 1-5. Maybe if I was better in leading their finale night wouldn't have been such a disaster. I don't know why everyone is saying finale night is such a success when to me, it clearly isn't. I don't have to pretend I loved loved loved the camp here and it's better that i don't.
I don't understand why the camp was such a huge success for everyone else and here I am, trying to convince myself that it is but failing. I don't think anyone else thinks the same as I do but that's okay since it's soley my fault that 1-5 didn't perform as well as the other classes. I still don't know how to get them to listen to me. If i was better this wouldn't have happened. No way.
Then I got home and suddenly everything around me started falling apart and I don't know how to fix it. Maybe I should just let the other party fix it. Why should I be the one trying all the time? it's not fair.
And now I finally see it. I don't mean anything to you at all and all this time I was putting you really high on my priorities list when I was no where near the top of it on yours. So now I'm throwing away my mental priorities list but when I do that, I question myself about whether this person really deserves to be taken for granted and then I answer no, which then leads me back to square one. You don't deserve any more chances but I know I'll end up giving you one and get hurt again.
I almost hurt another person today because I thought you remembered. Turns out you didn't, and that person was innocent. She doesn't deserve to be thrown out from her seat and I almost did, only to realise that you didn't give a damn about me. You're the one who doesn't deserve anything at all. I'm so sick and tired of your carefree attitude. The day that you learn to appreciate me is the day I'll forgive you and stop holding grudges, but it's gonna be a long wait.
Don't say I'm sensitive because this isn't the first time that this happened. You don't keep your promises and I'm so tired of putting up with your excuses and apologies. How will I even know if you'll adhere to them? What about next time? Can I trust you the next time you make me a promise? I don't think so.
How the hell would it feel if I cancelled on you, if I twirled you round my little finger and if I took your feelings and stepped all over them? Think about it, alright?
you're not sorry. why don't i ever learn? people don't ever change, no matter how sorry they are.
♥hazel.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Happy 2011!
I know I'm late, but better late than never.
So yeah, you know those facebook notification emails? I finally got around to deleting them today. And do you know how many of them there were? 510, give or take. Do you remember when we used to be so close that you used to post on my wall by mistake when you just wanted to update your status? Do you remember that story you sent me that you never finished? Do you remember how I helped you get your current boyfriend back and you tried to help me with mine? Do you remember all those hours we spent on chat, Habbo, Club Penguin, even Barbie.com? And how you stayed up the whole night just to talk to me? How I used to wake up at 4 am to catch the ustream with you? Do you remember how we used to share every detail of our lives? Because if you don't, I do.
One year ago we were so close. Inseparably close. But in a year so many things can change and we hardly talk anymore. I miss the old you. Maybe you're thinking I've changed, and I won't deny that I have. I'm sorry, but all the memories have to go. I can't look at them anymore. I took our seasonal friendship more literally and important than you did, and now looking back I realise that was where I went wrong.
That's the part of today's post dedicated to you, so you can know how much you used to mean to me. Past tense is a sad thing.
Sec 1 camp is tomorrowww!!! :)) So excited. All our hard work is finally going to be rewarded. I have to find people to take notes for me so yeah. And I'm not really done packing and haven't even downloaded the songs needed :( So you can imagine I have so many things to do.
I was complaining that I didn't have a locker a few weeks ago but now the locker people gave me not one, but TWO lockers. Amazing right? I don't know if I have to pay for two or just one but I texted back and they didn't reply. Oh well ;)
By Friday I am going to be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I actually calculated: if I get 4 hours of sleep in total for the camp, I'm gonna have to sleep for 36 hours during the weekend. Cool. Mark my words. And yes, that's how intense it's going to be, 2 hours of sleep each night. So say we have to wake up at 7, we'll probably sleep at 5, because we need to get ready for all the stuff the next day. Insane, but I'm excited. Hopefully this excitement keeps me awake.
I'm doing devotion tomorrow, first thing at start of camp so it's really important that I make a good impression. I just hope I can do it and live up to my & others' expectations. That's it, see you guys whenever :)
♥hazel
So yeah, you know those facebook notification emails? I finally got around to deleting them today. And do you know how many of them there were? 510, give or take. Do you remember when we used to be so close that you used to post on my wall by mistake when you just wanted to update your status? Do you remember that story you sent me that you never finished? Do you remember how I helped you get your current boyfriend back and you tried to help me with mine? Do you remember all those hours we spent on chat, Habbo, Club Penguin, even Barbie.com? And how you stayed up the whole night just to talk to me? How I used to wake up at 4 am to catch the ustream with you? Do you remember how we used to share every detail of our lives? Because if you don't, I do.
One year ago we were so close. Inseparably close. But in a year so many things can change and we hardly talk anymore. I miss the old you. Maybe you're thinking I've changed, and I won't deny that I have. I'm sorry, but all the memories have to go. I can't look at them anymore. I took our seasonal friendship more literally and important than you did, and now looking back I realise that was where I went wrong.
That's the part of today's post dedicated to you, so you can know how much you used to mean to me. Past tense is a sad thing.
Sec 1 camp is tomorrowww!!! :)) So excited. All our hard work is finally going to be rewarded. I have to find people to take notes for me so yeah. And I'm not really done packing and haven't even downloaded the songs needed :( So you can imagine I have so many things to do.
I was complaining that I didn't have a locker a few weeks ago but now the locker people gave me not one, but TWO lockers. Amazing right? I don't know if I have to pay for two or just one but I texted back and they didn't reply. Oh well ;)
By Friday I am going to be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I actually calculated: if I get 4 hours of sleep in total for the camp, I'm gonna have to sleep for 36 hours during the weekend. Cool. Mark my words. And yes, that's how intense it's going to be, 2 hours of sleep each night. So say we have to wake up at 7, we'll probably sleep at 5, because we need to get ready for all the stuff the next day. Insane, but I'm excited. Hopefully this excitement keeps me awake.
I'm doing devotion tomorrow, first thing at start of camp so it's really important that I make a good impression. I just hope I can do it and live up to my & others' expectations. That's it, see you guys whenever :)
♥hazel
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