Don't you want to change?

I hate crying but it seems like this time I can't help it. I woke up this morning with sore eyes and I think I still haven't learnt my lesson because I'm crying everytime I think of next year. I'm gonna end up blind someday from this crying, I swear.

I know in about 2 years' time I will look back on this point of time and laugh it off, asking myself why I over reacted so much. The same way I look back 2 years ago and ask myself why I didn't cry when we left. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me but it is. I can't seem to get over it. I went to sleep last night thinking that when I woke up in the morning everything would be back to normal and such but the truth is that it's more real than ever and I'm gonna have to face up to it sometime.

Just not today please?

I feel ungrateful. I got the choice I wanted but I'm still unhappy. They say that if you prepare yourself for your disappointments you won't be that much let down but all that's just crap. I've been preparing myself for this since the start of this year and see where I am now? All along I knew this would be coming but somehow or other I thought I could escape it and everything would be alright.

Somehow when people say 'I've seen better' it makes me wonder whether they've truly seen better or maybe they're just jealous.

I've always been a supporter of the saying 'Ignorance is bliss' because it never lets me down. I wish you could tell me straight up whether you guys are together or not. But then at other times I realise I don't really care.

I'm going to school for two training camps that overlap each other. Cool right? I'll be back on Halloween, kids.

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

♥hazel

I can't decide.

It's ridiculous. I always thought I was decisive up to now. Yes or no, it seems really simple but at the same time it's really not.

I don't want to overcommit. I really don't. But how the hell am I supposed to manage everything if i'm not given a choice? The one thing I hate most is breaking promises. I never thought post exam activities could be that much more hectic than studying. Truth be told I'd rather get back to studying.

I think maybe I'll probably regret it later.

A few days ago I got a text from someone I don't really like. Slutty outfits for a church gathering? I don't think so. I would never on my life go to that not plainly because I dislike you but it's just I'd be so weirdly uncomfortable there I'd probably pass out within ten seconds of getting there. I'm just not that kind of girl.

Do you remember the cutest couple in the world
You know he was a punk and she was daddy's little girl
And graduation came and she wanted him to stay
But he had bigger better dreams waiting out in L.A
And she cried and he cried as the plane flew away
'Cause she never ever wanted it to end that way
And 2 years later she reads in the news
He'd gone on to be a big star but nobody knew
With the change of his name but his heart stayed the same
And every song he wrote was about her he claimed
And he never got to tell her 'cause he died that year
From all of the coke and the pills and the beer
And the whole world cried
But just for one day
'Cause sooner or later the pain goes away
Just another day in Suburbia
It's a beautiful day in Suburbia
Best not let it get the best of you
It is everything you thought it would be?

Isn't that a great song? Lol. Streaming results come out next Thursday. I'm not sure what to hope for but right now I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

♥haze.l.

PS: YW said she likes the smell of the haze. Awesome.

I can't do this.

It's too hard.

I really really really can't. No matter how much I try to push myself , I can't. It irks me how other people can do that like it happens everyday, but when it really happens to me, which is a total of 3 times, I act like the world as ended. I just can't get up my nerve to do it.

I can't talk to you.

And all of that just really proves how much you're different from other people. And I don't think that sentence really made sense. I can't talk to you like you're an ordinary person, because to me you're not. How the hell do I make you become an ordinary person, like anyone I talk to? I've been trying for 2 whole years and it doesn't work. At this point of time I don't think it will ever work.

There's this quote that tells you to ask yourself whether the matter you're losing sleep over will matter in ten years. And the truth of the matter is I have no idea. I don't know if you'll matter in ten years because you matter a lot to me right now and I don't have the foresight to look ten years into to future, but my guess is probably not. How many things that we have right now will actually matter in ten years?

I just finished mine and my mom's climate survey for school. So yeah I wrote a lot of crap and yeah lol. Tomorrow is e-learning day. And Avril's birthday. Btw it was trending on Twitter earlier today, yay! And Avril's Twitter was hacked. It's funny to see what fame can do to you. Evan, who isn't that famous, has had his twitter for wayyy longer than Avril has, and yet no one has even attempted to hack his twitter, but in such a short span of time Avril's has been hacked. Coool.

And I haven't overlooked your attempts. I'm even more aware of them, if that could be possible, but I just don't know how to respond to them. Can someone tell me what to say and do and how to act in front of you so that I'll respond correctly? I'm so pathetic, I can't even dictate what to say and tell myself what to do. Btw the sentence before the previous one rhymed. I'm so lame.

I got in the list for the 100 free Evan stickers. Haha up to now I still can't believe it. I submitted my info like 9 hours after he posted the link, and I still got in. But it's probably all just a matter of perspective. If I were to sell them on ebay, which I will never ever ever do, no one would buy them. And my BMG shirt is overdue. Seriously.

I hate the fact that I'm sitting here waiting for you to do something, but I can't help it. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but making the first move will make me seem totally desperate, which, let's face it here- I am.

"It's amazing how I can talk about you for hours, but can never actually talk to you."

♥Hazel

You're Still An Innocent :)

Innocent is awesome.

I've been replaying it non-stop all day and I loveee it hahaha. Although when I try to find the actual footage of Swifty performing it, all I get is some people voicing out their reactions. Lame sauce.

It has been sometime since I last posted. I think I just got carried away with other things but I'll try to keep punctual. Like every week. Although the simple truth is that I got reminded to blog because of Evan's blog lol. He posted a really dark post that almost made me cry ;(

Okay so what's upp? Studying, studying and more studying. It all ends in a little more than 2 weeks though so it's not that bad. The first paper is composition for both languages on Friday. So I guess it's lucky that I just started writing a oneshot about Gale and Katniss? haha but I'm less that 3 paragraphs into it and knowing how I write, this oneshot will be long.

And random, but our class guitar's last string popped. But thanks to that I wrote a new riff on my own. No one is willing to pay to get the last string fixed for only 7 more weeks. Too bad for next year's class, they'll be stuck with that guitar for a year. And the class after that unless they fix it.

Btw, you are annoying.

& you know how you wish for something to happen and then instantly feel guilty/ashamed for that? That's basically the story of my life spanning these few weeks. I can easily imagine what I would say if he did that, but if he were to do that in real life I would be speechless and in shock. And then I tell myself it's never gonna happen, but somehow I end up back at the start again. It's a vicious cycle, really.

One last thing before this ends. We're all just emotional teenage girls in never ending crisises aren't we? Well, I don't wanna hear what you're upset about because you have everything. Literally everything. And it doesn't make me feel better to be talking to you and although it hurts, I think I'm just gonna ignore you for now. After all, you're only in on it for the company aren't you? I'll never be that close to you even if I try, and I don't wanna get hurt anymore.

♥hazel

What's uppp

Yay I'm back!

And I just finished uploading some overdue pictures in my camera. It always pays off to be the one that takes the photos because you can delete your unglams later on and post other peoples'. Hehehe. Can you say paparazzi much?

Today I went to YW's house to make teacher's day cards with Rad and Jamie. We were VERY unproductive, and I think in the end we only finished like three cards. Failll lol. We were slacking off on the computer and eating fried bee hoon and cheese tofu and drinking guava juice with egg mixed in it. hahaha.

I had bangs cut today! They look really awesome lolll. Other than that nothing much happened though.

I'm going to Sentosa tomorrow. Remember what I said in my previous post? Scratch that. I'm really excited haha. I haven't been to Sentosa/Vivo for more than a year because I have no life. >.>

& that reminds me that I haven't packed for tomorrow at all. The night is still young and I'm off to download some songs hehehe.

PS: I changed the blogskin. Pretty radd yeah?
♥hazel

I have no more excuses...

To stay away from here anymore. So first up: I gave up on the letter challenge. Surpriseee. The letters are kind of third degree and yeah. I'm a total loser.

Nexttt. So this is a warning for the coming post. I apologise if it's gonna be what you get when you're feeling down or whatever but I've been reading too much of Evan's blog lately so maybe that can explain this post. It's not dark or whatever but still I felt like I had to warn you. Here goes.

I think I'm confusing myself. One moment I think, hey, it's okay to _________ even though that happened last time. And what happened was good and it should have happened. But then an hour or so later I will start thinking, oh no, I can't do that, it's wayyy too embarrassing. So I don't know what's up with me. Did you understand that? Because I didn't lol.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I had responded differently or been more daring or less daring would things turn out differently. Or maybe if I had made an effort. Would it make a difference? Or would things just be the same?

"Losing something is easy when you have nothing." I stole that off Ev's blog. (Btw I just made my wish. 11:11.) On the contrary, I would think it's harder. Although in theory, how can you lose something when you have nothing at all? That's only proving that you once thought that you had that something, only to discover that it's not yours at all. Same with if you feel betrayed, then that only proves that there was trust in the first place. All these things just make us as about transparent as glass.

So this Sunday I'm going to Sentosa with my cell. I'm hoping it'll be fun, and I'm not saying this cynically, but it probably won't. Call me pessimist if you must. And my 11:11 wish was somehow related to that.

I wish I had something that could help me see into the future, like for example if I make a choice, I get to see what that choice will result in, or if I say something, how the other person would react. Or maybe something that can tell me how things could have turned out if I did this or if I did that, etc. But I know that's entirely impossible so I'd better stop thinking about it.

I promise I won't be like this the next time I come back.

♥hazel

HIATUS ;(

Okay so this letter thing has become more of a drag than fun for me lately. My OCDness has been pestering me to get online everyday to post my blog and usually I feel so museless and so I write out really short letters. Maybe some of you guys reading my letters have absolutely no issue with that but I kind of do haha. Maybe I expect too much of myself but whatever. &&& Exams are coming up which gives me another excuse to stay away from here. So what's gonna happen is that I'll only update this on the weekends, namely Saturday and Sunday, and possibly Friday as well. Maybe the coming Monday as well since it's National Day? We'll see. No promises because I value quantity AND quality.

♥ lots,
hazel

Day 14- Someone I Have Drifted Away From

Day 14- August 1st 2010

Dear Kae,

Hi there. It was awesome knowing you and RP-ing with you. Although the time we knew each other was kind of short, we were really good friends. I kind of suck when it comes to long distance relationships as shown. I don't know how it ended but we kind of drifted as the days went on.
So now recently I tried emailing you and such but either you don't remember who I am or you aren't using that email account anymore. Or maybe you just don't go online anymore. It's been what, 2 years since we last talked and I kind of miss that tbh haha.

I miss you.

♥hazel

Day 13- A Person I Wish Could Forgive Me

Day 13- 31st July 2010

Hi there,

First of all, I just wanna tell you I'm really sorry. It was a misunderstanding at that point of time but I never got to tell you that before you left. Believe me, if I could go back in time and change what I did I will.
I've been friends with you for the longest time, longer than anyone else. I still can't believe that we let something as minor as that come between our six years of friendship. I can't tell you I'm sorry because I'm completely out of touch with you. I just hope that maybe you will stumble across this blog one day and read all of this. The odds are kind of stacked against that but whatever.

I'm sorry.

♥hazel

Day 12- The Person I Hate The Most

Day 12- July 30th 2010

Yeah I know my letters have been short lately so today I'm gonna make up for it by writing two letters for the same day. Here goes.

Hi stranger.

To be honest, I think I never really forgived you. I find it hard to believe that we were once best friends a long time ago and that I really trusted you back then. You made me believe in everything you said and you lied to me. I hate you for that. Worst of all I found out only a long while later that you were just a backstabbing bitch out to get me for nothing. I always thought you were on my side but it turns out that you were working behind the scenes all along.

I was naive enough to believe you and to turn on one of my best friends and because of you, we're not on that good terms anymore. You surely didn't show any shame or remorse at all when I called you out for all your lies, and personally I don't think you're capable of any of that. I hate myself most of all for letting myself believe you and being so gullible. I always thought you were that innocent little girl but it turned out differently. I don't know where you are right now and if you even remember me but I hope you're guilty for what you did.

♥hazel

The Person That Caused Me The Most Pain

Dear _____,

This is fucking ironic and I feel pathetic. I just wrote about you a week ago and now I'm writing about you again, this time from a whole different perspective.

To begin, I don't hate you, rather the opposite and I can't help myself. You made me cry countless of times with the things that you did and the worst thing is that you don't even know that. I wish I could tell you and let you know about the many things that you did that hurt me but I can't. And I don't want to seem like a whiny person because I'm not.

Sometimes when I'm fully down to earth and facing reality, I tell myself that we will never be together. But then when that happens, you do something that makes me think otherwise and make me go off into dreamland where I think anything is possible. Maybe you're doing it on purpose but I think that's entirely impossible. And then you do something that makes me fall back down into harsh reality again and the cycle repeats.

I have to admit that one of my friends know about this and she hates you for what you did/are doing to me. I don't know if she's on the right track for hating you, because I can't bring myself to hate you or forget you no matter how hard I try. Even after a year of no contact, when I see you, I'm just back to square one again. So thanks.

♥hazel