Yesssss I know it hasn't even been an hour since my last post but there's just so much to update! 3 years in two posts. I think I deserve some sort of award.
Anyway shortly after A levels, I started working as a temp in UOB in December 2014. Sounds pretty fancy huh? Nope, it's just paper work and more paper work everyday. It's insanely mundane. To make it worse, the people here aren't the best either- they're all caught up with obtaining the latest gossip and spreading it as wide as possible. I guess this job helped me realise how the office environment works- ruthlessly. But hey, it's good money.
In April I received my A level results, and was sorely disappointed to say the least. I didn't do too badly, but they were way below my expectations. Thus began the darkest days of the year, and I'm not even exaggerating. I had numerous rows with my parents, all of which worsened my relationship with them, not that it was perfect in the first place. As uni applications drew to a close, I could only pray and wait for that one phone call or email to tell me I was selected for an interview- not even acceptance yet but interview. I applied for Unisim as my last choice and got called immediately the following week, not that I was very thrilled about that. But at least it was something. A back up plan, I guess.
The whole of April passed with no news. It was during this time that I got a new obsession which I shall not name, that helped me get through the hopeless and depressing days. I used it as a crutch to lean on, as an instant happy pill to distract me from that fact that there was no news. I was so utterly dependent on it, but it never failed to get me through day after day and I guess that's all that matters right? And all my colleagues hounding me about results and uni and applications and courses did not help one bit.
But finally, finally, all due to God's grace, I was called up for an interview by NTU. I WAS SO FREAKING HAPPY. I'll never forget that feeling. To cut the story short, I attended the interview, and about one week plus later...
I GOT INTO NTU ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!
Yeah I know it's not a big deal compared to other courses like medicine, business or whatever. But hey, considering my UES, and the fact that it's a subject I love with all my heart: it is a pretty big deal to me.
So that was around middle of May, and the next few weeks passed uneventfully. I'm currently planning a trip to Korea with my long time neighbour, and I really hope it goes through, what with all the MERS outbreak and all, cause we've already booked tickets :( Please pray hard that it will be contained :(
Back to what made me come back here. Remember my obsession, the one that I used to get me through my waiting for uni calls phase? Yup, a few days ago I found out something about it that broke my heart. Literally, and I would say that the pain was comparable to what happened in 2010 ( you can read allllll about it in my older blog posts) even though I was only into it for about a month plus. All of a sudden I felt as if my crutch had been snatched away, and I was left standing all on my own. I couldn't find my balance and I felt lost. I had no idea what to do with my time anymore, and my heart hurt. I literally went through the five stages of grief. If you knew what my obsession was about then you'd probably accuse me of over reacting, so all the more I won't name it hahaha.
But realising my obsession's purpose made everything clearer. I used it as a source of happiness. And I guess God is fair. Now that I don't really need to get through anything (uni stuff settled and all), I don't really need that crutch anymore. So He took it away. And I guess it was about time too, since it was rapidly becoming the centre of my life, when only He should be the centre of my life. I wasn't/ am not ready to let it go yet, but I'm trying to at least reduce my dependence on it (I sound like a drug addict ugh I promise you it's not drugs). It still hurts every now and then but it's getting better. I have no idea how things will pan out because I already committed to something related to my obsession about month or so down the road, but I'll keep you posted on how things turn out. I hope I can still muster the enthusiasm to actually go to it.
If anyone's reading this and has the habit of using things or people as an emotional crutch, I want to say this: DO NOT BE ASHAMED OF IT. We all need sources of happiness and they come from different places. It's okay to let yourself be comforted by something or someone, but do be ready for the moment that it will be taken away. After all, life is unpredictable. And this may not be the best advice, but if you lose one source, look for another. Life is full of happiness, you just have to find it.
And no, I haven't found it yet. All I know is that my God will always be there for me, and He takes things away for a reason :)
❤️always,
Hazel
Wednesday, June 03, 2015
After all this time...?
I can't believe I'm back here again. It's been a long time, everyone. 3 years, to be exact. I was kinda reminded of my old blog by a friend who still blogs faithfully every now and then, and something kinda happened recently which made me come back here.
To my surprise, I read all my old blog posts, and as angsty as they were, I found them immensely relatable. Never mind that I have changed irrevocably as a person, but when I read my posts, everything felt right. The old me managed to describe everything the new me was going through to perfection. Kinda strange huh? I'm surprised too.
So let me talk a little bit about the past 4 years which have gone by... I guess I left off when I was in Sec 3, about to go on to Sec 4. From what I can remember, Sec 4 was a mostly uneventful year, but I'm thankful for it because I managed to find a group of close friends to get through O level year with :) The year flew by in a blur of notes, notes and more notes, and I took my O's and graduated I guess. Did a little worse than expected, but it was enough to get me to Catholic Junior College. And here comes the fun part.
There's a lot to say about my two years in CJC. I'll start at the beginning: orientation. I was put into an orientation group which wasn't very fun (no offence, I'm not fun either but whatever) but I did manage to find a clique within that group that I fit in well with. But that lasted a few mere months as a huge misunderstanding (it was kinda my fault I guess) caused them to turn on me and thus went the downhill of my life in CJ. I guess I could have recovered from that, but at that point in time I was too self absorbed in righteously defending myself that I stumbled on blindly and made things worse.
My class wasn't that great either. It was majority boys and only 6 out of 24 were girls. I became fast friends with two of them and we used to call ourselves the Queens (yes, lame I know) but looking back now, I really enjoyed my time with them, they made things better :) But I was also bullied to a certain extent (not that I'll ever admit this to anyone else) by the guys in my class. I won't repeat what they said and did to me because it's too painful, but they really made my J1 year hell. My so called friends didn't stick up for me, either leaving me to fend off their harsh comments or sometimes even laughing along at their sharp and well aimed barbs. I felt hurt, obviously, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn't ditch the friends I currently had, because then I would be alone. And at that point in time, or maybe even now still, I'm scared of being alone.
I made some pretty stupid mistakes in my J1 year. One which cost me one of my closest friends who used to be my unfailing listening ear. Another mistake which caused me so much heartbreak and self esteem issues, contributing to my anxiety and social issues now. I honestly tried so hard to please others, thinking that it would get me into their good books but it did nothing but turn me into a doormat, to be stepped all over.
So J2 year came and being the year of the dreaded As, we all bucked up. Or at least, the girls. Things went well for the first few weeks, until I realised that one of the two girls whom I was close to had been betraying me all along. I won't mention how. But, following the pact I had made for myself during the holidays, (Hang out with people who make you happy.) I proceeded to cut off all contact with her. Looking back now, I guess that was kind of over reacting? This caused my one remaining friend (I'll refer to her as B from now on) in the class to feel obliged to take sides. At first she didn't really mind, but then she grew to dislike the backstabbing friend and support me more. But every now and then she would voice out how she felt guilty about ignoring that friend and obviously I would be enraged and stop her from talking about it further. I guess she finally reached her breaking point one day and made up with the backstabbing friend, and continued to be friends with us both. At first I was angry, but after a while I realised it was unreasonable. She had the right to be friends with whoever she wanted. So I let it slide and this continued to the middle of the year (i think?)
As mid years drew near, I kinda retreated from my class. My only friend and the backstabber were always together, and since I couldn't hang out with my friend if they were together, I had no one. Thankfully I still had my CCA friends, whom to this day I still keep in contact with. I studied with them, ate with them, and even skipped class with them (please don't do this it's more trouble than it's worth). So naturally I began to drift away from them and my class. I assured myself that I wasn't secluding myself/ being secluded, I was merely choosing to take a step back from all the messy politics and focus on my studies. But of course I would still maintain friendly contact with B because I had to, if not I would truly be alone. But that left me feely immensely precarious and I longed for a stable group of friends whom I didn't need to pretend with, or put up with.
As the famous saying goes, "Things will get worse before they get better", I still remember the event in which everything went from bad to worse. It was sports day, and I resigned myself to spending it with my CCA friends not only because of my current situation, but also because I had a lot of duties to cover. My actions made B very upset, although she did not make this clear to me. I only found out at another event soon after, the Think Career Fair. Once again, I was swamped with responsibilities for this event, being the lead writer and even having to cover someone else's duties. Which meant I could not attend the talks I had previously signed up for months ago with B, but had to attend them with my CCA friends instead. Obviously she took this the wrong way, for she cut off all contact with me and immediately ganged up with the other girls against me. I tried to explain things to her but she wouldn't reply to my messages at all. At this point obviously I was more than pissed off, what with being so stressed out with all my extra duties and studies on the side. So I guess I just left it.
We were still sitting next to each other in class, but we were so painfully silent. Everything changed when she requested for a seat change one day, and I was hurt because that meant everyone in the class would know. Hell, maybe they already knew about it. It's a little fuzzy, all I can remember is that everyone took her side. I was moved next to K instead, and we kinda had this weird thing that I wouldn't exactly call a friendship. It was more like a mutual dependence on each other. But I guess I do have to be grateful to him because he was the closest thing to a friend in my class during those last few months leading up to the A's, even though he was clearly using me, I couldn't blame him because I was using him as well. I was more than a little upset at B's various tactics to portray herself as the victim, but I told myself that it was the crucial period and I wouldn't let it affect me. I had more important things to focus on.
It was a few weeks before prelims when B suddenly approached me and asked if we could talk. Being my usual self, who can't say no to anyone, I agreed and we talked for about half an hour. It was then that she finally revealed to me why she cut off all contact with me those months ago: because she felt like she was my second choice. In other words, she resented my CCA friends. Obviously I was incredulously beyond words at that point in time, and I (stupidly) apologised and admitted I was wrong, although in my head I wanted to curse and swear and yell out how wronged I was. Remember how I said she had the right to have her own friends? Well so did I, and who was she to berate me about placing her as second choice when she was the one who left me alone?
I guess I was too tired to explain myself properly. I did voice out my thoughts to her in the subsequent talks that we had, but I don't think it really worked. Eventually I said to her straight, "Prelims are next week. I don't want to deal with this now because I have already accepted what happened between us, and doing this would only dredge up all that emotional turmoil which I worked so hard to move past." And that was it. Subsequently we became little more than hi bye friends, which is totally fine with me.
Wow after that huge chunk... I can't believe that much happened in two years. And that was the heavily summarised version too, be it due to my inconsistent memory, or just because I don't want to be too long winded (I think I already failed at that). But I'm moving on to a new chapter in my life and I just want to say some things to some people.
B: I don't think I can ever forgive you for what you did to me, and how you made me feel. I may forget, but I don't think I can forgive. I'm a little sad that we ended up total strangers again but at least I got to see your true colours. But I still wish you well wherever you're heading next.
N: Your social inadequacy hasn't caused you much trouble yet, but it will in the years to come. I thought you could be trusted, only to find out that you have no idea which things need to be kept private.
C: I wasted a lot of time and tears over you. You made me doubt myself, even made me say "I'm not good enough for him" numerous times. You made me shy away from being myself for fear of being judged. And you took advantage of the fact that I craved your attention and approval to boost your own ego. And I hate you for that.
A: Thank you for being there for me when I needed it. You were never tired of hearing my problems and became my study buddy in the last few months. I will never forget how we skipped class together and got into somemajor trouble that we were so worried about we couldn't study. Even though we're headed different ways, I hope we'll still be in touch.
K: I only got to know you better in our last year, but you have been a great friend who's never afraid to tell it like it is. You've told me my bad points straight to my face a few times, something which I will never be able to do and I admire you for that. I'm kinda excited to start the next chapter in my life with you, and I hope we'll become closer :)
Q: Last but not least, thank you for being my crutch. I'll admit that I used you to get me through my last year and it was enough. Those short bursts of instant happiness you gave me only made me want more, and sometimes it was distracting. But most of the time it was a life saver. It's only now that I look back and realise that I was just using you all along. But it's alright. You never knew, and it was all one sided anyway.
B, T, T: Thank you for being like a group of sisters to me. Being able to go out with you all and pour my worries out made me feel so much better, and to B and T, thank you for walking this A level journey with me. To B in particular, you have always been there when I'm in need of reassurance, I'm so thankful for your never ending patience and ever lasting sunshine.
I guess I can finally close that chapter in my life as I look forward to the next one :)
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps - Proverbs 16:9
❤️ always,
Hazel
So let me talk a little bit about the past 4 years which have gone by... I guess I left off when I was in Sec 3, about to go on to Sec 4. From what I can remember, Sec 4 was a mostly uneventful year, but I'm thankful for it because I managed to find a group of close friends to get through O level year with :) The year flew by in a blur of notes, notes and more notes, and I took my O's and graduated I guess. Did a little worse than expected, but it was enough to get me to Catholic Junior College. And here comes the fun part.
There's a lot to say about my two years in CJC. I'll start at the beginning: orientation. I was put into an orientation group which wasn't very fun (no offence, I'm not fun either but whatever) but I did manage to find a clique within that group that I fit in well with. But that lasted a few mere months as a huge misunderstanding (it was kinda my fault I guess) caused them to turn on me and thus went the downhill of my life in CJ. I guess I could have recovered from that, but at that point in time I was too self absorbed in righteously defending myself that I stumbled on blindly and made things worse.
My class wasn't that great either. It was majority boys and only 6 out of 24 were girls. I became fast friends with two of them and we used to call ourselves the Queens (yes, lame I know) but looking back now, I really enjoyed my time with them, they made things better :) But I was also bullied to a certain extent (not that I'll ever admit this to anyone else) by the guys in my class. I won't repeat what they said and did to me because it's too painful, but they really made my J1 year hell. My so called friends didn't stick up for me, either leaving me to fend off their harsh comments or sometimes even laughing along at their sharp and well aimed barbs. I felt hurt, obviously, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn't ditch the friends I currently had, because then I would be alone. And at that point in time, or maybe even now still, I'm scared of being alone.
I made some pretty stupid mistakes in my J1 year. One which cost me one of my closest friends who used to be my unfailing listening ear. Another mistake which caused me so much heartbreak and self esteem issues, contributing to my anxiety and social issues now. I honestly tried so hard to please others, thinking that it would get me into their good books but it did nothing but turn me into a doormat, to be stepped all over.
So J2 year came and being the year of the dreaded As, we all bucked up. Or at least, the girls. Things went well for the first few weeks, until I realised that one of the two girls whom I was close to had been betraying me all along. I won't mention how. But, following the pact I had made for myself during the holidays, (Hang out with people who make you happy.) I proceeded to cut off all contact with her. Looking back now, I guess that was kind of over reacting? This caused my one remaining friend (I'll refer to her as B from now on) in the class to feel obliged to take sides. At first she didn't really mind, but then she grew to dislike the backstabbing friend and support me more. But every now and then she would voice out how she felt guilty about ignoring that friend and obviously I would be enraged and stop her from talking about it further. I guess she finally reached her breaking point one day and made up with the backstabbing friend, and continued to be friends with us both. At first I was angry, but after a while I realised it was unreasonable. She had the right to be friends with whoever she wanted. So I let it slide and this continued to the middle of the year (i think?)
As mid years drew near, I kinda retreated from my class. My only friend and the backstabber were always together, and since I couldn't hang out with my friend if they were together, I had no one. Thankfully I still had my CCA friends, whom to this day I still keep in contact with. I studied with them, ate with them, and even skipped class with them (please don't do this it's more trouble than it's worth). So naturally I began to drift away from them and my class. I assured myself that I wasn't secluding myself/ being secluded, I was merely choosing to take a step back from all the messy politics and focus on my studies. But of course I would still maintain friendly contact with B because I had to, if not I would truly be alone. But that left me feely immensely precarious and I longed for a stable group of friends whom I didn't need to pretend with, or put up with.
As the famous saying goes, "Things will get worse before they get better", I still remember the event in which everything went from bad to worse. It was sports day, and I resigned myself to spending it with my CCA friends not only because of my current situation, but also because I had a lot of duties to cover. My actions made B very upset, although she did not make this clear to me. I only found out at another event soon after, the Think Career Fair. Once again, I was swamped with responsibilities for this event, being the lead writer and even having to cover someone else's duties. Which meant I could not attend the talks I had previously signed up for months ago with B, but had to attend them with my CCA friends instead. Obviously she took this the wrong way, for she cut off all contact with me and immediately ganged up with the other girls against me. I tried to explain things to her but she wouldn't reply to my messages at all. At this point obviously I was more than pissed off, what with being so stressed out with all my extra duties and studies on the side. So I guess I just left it.
We were still sitting next to each other in class, but we were so painfully silent. Everything changed when she requested for a seat change one day, and I was hurt because that meant everyone in the class would know. Hell, maybe they already knew about it. It's a little fuzzy, all I can remember is that everyone took her side. I was moved next to K instead, and we kinda had this weird thing that I wouldn't exactly call a friendship. It was more like a mutual dependence on each other. But I guess I do have to be grateful to him because he was the closest thing to a friend in my class during those last few months leading up to the A's, even though he was clearly using me, I couldn't blame him because I was using him as well. I was more than a little upset at B's various tactics to portray herself as the victim, but I told myself that it was the crucial period and I wouldn't let it affect me. I had more important things to focus on.
It was a few weeks before prelims when B suddenly approached me and asked if we could talk. Being my usual self, who can't say no to anyone, I agreed and we talked for about half an hour. It was then that she finally revealed to me why she cut off all contact with me those months ago: because she felt like she was my second choice. In other words, she resented my CCA friends. Obviously I was incredulously beyond words at that point in time, and I (stupidly) apologised and admitted I was wrong, although in my head I wanted to curse and swear and yell out how wronged I was. Remember how I said she had the right to have her own friends? Well so did I, and who was she to berate me about placing her as second choice when she was the one who left me alone?
I guess I was too tired to explain myself properly. I did voice out my thoughts to her in the subsequent talks that we had, but I don't think it really worked. Eventually I said to her straight, "Prelims are next week. I don't want to deal with this now because I have already accepted what happened between us, and doing this would only dredge up all that emotional turmoil which I worked so hard to move past." And that was it. Subsequently we became little more than hi bye friends, which is totally fine with me.
Wow after that huge chunk... I can't believe that much happened in two years. And that was the heavily summarised version too, be it due to my inconsistent memory, or just because I don't want to be too long winded (I think I already failed at that). But I'm moving on to a new chapter in my life and I just want to say some things to some people.
B: I don't think I can ever forgive you for what you did to me, and how you made me feel. I may forget, but I don't think I can forgive. I'm a little sad that we ended up total strangers again but at least I got to see your true colours. But I still wish you well wherever you're heading next.
N: Your social inadequacy hasn't caused you much trouble yet, but it will in the years to come. I thought you could be trusted, only to find out that you have no idea which things need to be kept private.
C: I wasted a lot of time and tears over you. You made me doubt myself, even made me say "I'm not good enough for him" numerous times. You made me shy away from being myself for fear of being judged. And you took advantage of the fact that I craved your attention and approval to boost your own ego. And I hate you for that.
A: Thank you for being there for me when I needed it. You were never tired of hearing my problems and became my study buddy in the last few months. I will never forget how we skipped class together and got into some
K: I only got to know you better in our last year, but you have been a great friend who's never afraid to tell it like it is. You've told me my bad points straight to my face a few times, something which I will never be able to do and I admire you for that. I'm kinda excited to start the next chapter in my life with you, and I hope we'll become closer :)
Q: Last but not least, thank you for being my crutch. I'll admit that I used you to get me through my last year and it was enough. Those short bursts of instant happiness you gave me only made me want more, and sometimes it was distracting. But most of the time it was a life saver. It's only now that I look back and realise that I was just using you all along. But it's alright. You never knew, and it was all one sided anyway.
B, T, T: Thank you for being like a group of sisters to me. Being able to go out with you all and pour my worries out made me feel so much better, and to B and T, thank you for walking this A level journey with me. To B in particular, you have always been there when I'm in need of reassurance, I'm so thankful for your never ending patience and ever lasting sunshine.
I guess I can finally close that chapter in my life as I look forward to the next one :)
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps - Proverbs 16:9
❤️ always,
Hazel
Sunday, December 25, 2011
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
hello everyone merry christmas!!!
aha i'm terribly behind on my music thing but i promise i have at least 5 days stored up in my drafts! and i'll post it... one day hehe. hopefully before next year! ;P
I didn't really do much for christmas this year, just went to church-which i was horribly late for :( and then went to some christmas party before going home and slacking all the way. it feels good to not do anything LOL. I watched DH2!(again) awwwwwh yay my loveeee draco was as dashing as ever ;)haha i can memorise all his lines! which add up to like 7 so yeah :(
okok i forgot what i wanted to blog about earlier this morning! on a different note, i feel so bad that i didnt complete my music challenge thing. argh i think i was supposed to finish like on the 10ish of december or something.
oh yes i remember now. i remember this horrible feeling i had yesterday. or like early this morning. i dont think the worst feeling in the world is not getting what you wish for but it's not even knowing what you want. it's like you definitely want something but you just dont know what it is. and the worst thing is that it's not even a 'have zero idea' of what you want, it's when you have something in mind but don't know if you want it or not.
but then i woke up this morning and realised that that thing that i wanted didn't really matter to me anymore. there are more important things than that. we could stay as friends or become something more, the possibility of that doesn't bother me anymore and that's when you know you're truly over it but at the same time open to whatever is going to happen.
if someone else had written this and i'd stumbled across it, i'd be itching to ask them how it happened. but really, i can't say, it's just something that just happens. for me it's sort of an overnight thing. but it's hard to say since this only happened once. it took me a superrr long time to get over that and even now i'm not sure if i'm okay yet.
ughhh i want to like cry now because everything is so messed up. yes okay i like you, you're a nice person and all but i don't feel that way! it's just not the same, i don't know how to describe it. whyyyy ugh :( what should i do? :( you're the wrong person that i want to do that.
okay i realise that i'm being very angsty this christmas!! i'm sorry lovelies here's something to cheer you up!
have a lovely christmas everyone! <3
♥ always.
hazel
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Day 17 to 21
helloooooooooo long time no see! haha i apologise yet AGAIN for being so late! it's just the next few days' topics are a little meh so i put off blogging :x
Day 17 - A song that you want to play at your funeral
Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
i really couldn't find any other song to fit this day :( but this is such a lovely song and even though i haven't thought as far as my funeral yet, i know this is the song i'd want them to play. it's a sad song, but i think it's perfect. and the only reason why i put the live version instead of the studio one is that this performance is so much better and it gives me shivers. she's truly so talented.
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Day 18 - A song that makes you laugh
Animal by Neon Trees
i love the introduction and the guitars and the MV is funny too. not good enough reason? well i don't know how else to say it :/
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Day 19 - A song that turns you on
Better Than You by Evan Taubenfeld
enough said.
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Day 20 - A song you've listened to after a break-up
If This Was A Movie by Taylor Swift
i remember i felt so awful after that, even though it wasn't a breakup per se. this technically wasn't the song that i put on replay after that horrible day, the song being Everybody Hurts. But seeing as i've already put that song down... yeah. ugh haha now that i listen to it, it's quite a pathetic song to listen to after a breakup. but it hurt so much. you wouldn't even know. it varies, sometimes it's a dull ache and others it's a sharp pain that hits so fast that it left/leaves me breathless. the immediate days after that were the worst, i'm just glad i got through safely.
but now i'm over that. thank God.
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Day 21 - A song that gives you shivers
Thinking of You by Katy Perry
Firstly, this song is so touching! i remember the first time i heard it it was the acoustic version and it was because of a dramione manip that had some of the words on it. then i went to look for the music video and when i watched it for the first time, i almost cried. i love the first verse so much. "you said move on where do i go? i guess second best is all i will know." that line makes me tear up ♥ and the bridge paired with the music and the video is definitely a tearjerker. love it so much, this proves that Katy can write songs that are deeper than 'california girls, we'll melt your popsicle' or whatever.
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finally! haha but i guess it is my fault for not blogging for a few days. i may or may not have counted the days wrongly, but whatever, what counts is that i do everything right?
so well on tuesday i found out three things that made me think a lot today. i can't exactly say them on here but i'll just let you guys know that it's regarding CCA matters. i really don't know how to take it, although the first one changes nothing about what position i'm in now *HINT* and the rest dont affect anything. haha. but ugh. now i know why it's so weird with us. i was never wanted to be in there in the first place. now that i think about it, they actually had it perfectly planned, until me and her came in to ruin their whole plan. they actually wanted her to be what i am.
and now i'm more confused than ever. so what's your opinion of her? i thought you kind of hated her but now i find out that you actually wanted her to take your place? that's the second thing. the third thing... well it doesn't really matter anymore, since it's over.
i can't believe i've been so slow and stupid all this while, thinking that everything fell perfectly into place when it's not like that at all. actually i've had some hints, just that i chose to take them lightly.
just a few more months left.
♥ always,
hazel.
Day 17 - A song that you want to play at your funeral
Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
i really couldn't find any other song to fit this day :( but this is such a lovely song and even though i haven't thought as far as my funeral yet, i know this is the song i'd want them to play. it's a sad song, but i think it's perfect. and the only reason why i put the live version instead of the studio one is that this performance is so much better and it gives me shivers. she's truly so talented.
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Day 18 - A song that makes you laugh
Animal by Neon Trees
i love the introduction and the guitars and the MV is funny too. not good enough reason? well i don't know how else to say it :/
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Day 19 - A song that turns you on
Better Than You by Evan Taubenfeld
enough said.
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Day 20 - A song you've listened to after a break-up
If This Was A Movie by Taylor Swift
i remember i felt so awful after that, even though it wasn't a breakup per se. this technically wasn't the song that i put on replay after that horrible day, the song being Everybody Hurts. But seeing as i've already put that song down... yeah. ugh haha now that i listen to it, it's quite a pathetic song to listen to after a breakup. but it hurt so much. you wouldn't even know. it varies, sometimes it's a dull ache and others it's a sharp pain that hits so fast that it left/leaves me breathless. the immediate days after that were the worst, i'm just glad i got through safely.
but now i'm over that. thank God.
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Day 21 - A song that gives you shivers
Thinking of You by Katy Perry
Firstly, this song is so touching! i remember the first time i heard it it was the acoustic version and it was because of a dramione manip that had some of the words on it. then i went to look for the music video and when i watched it for the first time, i almost cried. i love the first verse so much. "you said move on where do i go? i guess second best is all i will know." that line makes me tear up ♥ and the bridge paired with the music and the video is definitely a tearjerker. love it so much, this proves that Katy can write songs that are deeper than 'california girls, we'll melt your popsicle' or whatever.
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finally! haha but i guess it is my fault for not blogging for a few days. i may or may not have counted the days wrongly, but whatever, what counts is that i do everything right?
so well on tuesday i found out three things that made me think a lot today. i can't exactly say them on here but i'll just let you guys know that it's regarding CCA matters. i really don't know how to take it, although the first one changes nothing about what position i'm in now *HINT* and the rest dont affect anything. haha. but ugh. now i know why it's so weird with us. i was never wanted to be in there in the first place. now that i think about it, they actually had it perfectly planned, until me and her came in to ruin their whole plan. they actually wanted her to be what i am.
and now i'm more confused than ever. so what's your opinion of her? i thought you kind of hated her but now i find out that you actually wanted her to take your place? that's the second thing. the third thing... well it doesn't really matter anymore, since it's over.
i can't believe i've been so slow and stupid all this while, thinking that everything fell perfectly into place when it's not like that at all. actually i've had some hints, just that i chose to take them lightly.
just a few more months left.
♥ always,
hazel.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Day 15 and 16
hello my lovlies, i'm so sorry that i forgot to blog yesterday! i promise my posts will be long today to make up for it :)
Day 15- A song that you listen to when you're sad
Evan Way by Evan Taubenfeld
I love the piano in this, but my favourite element is the acoustic guitar in the first verse. i dont know why, i just have a HUGE thing for songs where the acoustic guitar is almost the main instrument. It gives the song a very emotional feel and that's probably why I listen to it when I'm sad. It almost always makes me cry if I'm sad enough haha. It's good for when I'm having those 'I-feel-like-crying-but-I-can't' days so yeah. The lyrics are amazing too, and do I even have to say that Evan + Avril= ♥? Yep haha. And the lyrics say that "this will be the last today, ever" and it is, so just seize the day and don't let it go to waste :) and Evan also said that this song is a very emotional one for him too, since it's about what happened to his family over a car crash. it makes me feel a little better to know that there's someone out there who feels the same way.
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Day 16- A song that you want to be played at your wedding
Innocence by Avril Lavigne
This is one of my all time favourite song from her. It's so beautiful and the lyrics are the best in this album. I think it'd be perfect to dance to at my wedding a longggg time from now, the lyrics are perfect and I love them so much. haha i dont really know how to explain why i want this song played at my wedding, but just listen to the lyrics and you'll know why. i love the chorus: 'this innocence is brilliant, i hope that it will stay. this moment is perfect, please dont go away. i need you now.' and the bridge is amazing too: 'it's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming, it's the happiness inside that you're feeling. it's so beautiful that it makes you wanna cry.' do you get why i think it's perfect now? ;) and i love her voice here, it's so pretty and 'singer song writerish', as she once said haha.
okayyy i'm done. i hope i can remember to blog tomorrow! goodnight :)
♥ always,
hazel.
Day 15- A song that you listen to when you're sad
Evan Way by Evan Taubenfeld
I love the piano in this, but my favourite element is the acoustic guitar in the first verse. i dont know why, i just have a HUGE thing for songs where the acoustic guitar is almost the main instrument. It gives the song a very emotional feel and that's probably why I listen to it when I'm sad. It almost always makes me cry if I'm sad enough haha. It's good for when I'm having those 'I-feel-like-crying-but-I-can't' days so yeah. The lyrics are amazing too, and do I even have to say that Evan + Avril= ♥? Yep haha. And the lyrics say that "this will be the last today, ever" and it is, so just seize the day and don't let it go to waste :) and Evan also said that this song is a very emotional one for him too, since it's about what happened to his family over a car crash. it makes me feel a little better to know that there's someone out there who feels the same way.
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Day 16- A song that you want to be played at your wedding
Innocence by Avril Lavigne
This is one of my all time favourite song from her. It's so beautiful and the lyrics are the best in this album. I think it'd be perfect to dance to at my wedding a longggg time from now, the lyrics are perfect and I love them so much. haha i dont really know how to explain why i want this song played at my wedding, but just listen to the lyrics and you'll know why. i love the chorus: 'this innocence is brilliant, i hope that it will stay. this moment is perfect, please dont go away. i need you now.' and the bridge is amazing too: 'it's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming, it's the happiness inside that you're feeling. it's so beautiful that it makes you wanna cry.' do you get why i think it's perfect now? ;) and i love her voice here, it's so pretty and 'singer song writerish', as she once said haha.
okayyy i'm done. i hope i can remember to blog tomorrow! goodnight :)
♥ always,
hazel.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Day 14
A song that you listen to when you're happy
well i dont really have a song that i listen to when i'm happy... i just shuffle all my songs haha. i guess maybe Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato always puts me in a good mood. I love the chorus, it's so fast paced and the drum beat is addictive. hahahaha oh and i love her voice so much, Demi is so talented ♥
short post today, i promise a longer one tomorrow!! keep safe! :)
♥always,
hazel
well i dont really have a song that i listen to when i'm happy... i just shuffle all my songs haha. i guess maybe Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato always puts me in a good mood. I love the chorus, it's so fast paced and the drum beat is addictive. hahahaha oh and i love her voice so much, Demi is so talented ♥
short post today, i promise a longer one tomorrow!! keep safe! :)
♥always,
hazel
Day 13
A song that I listen to when I'm angry
This actually kind of depends if i'm sad-angry or like angry-angry... did that make sense? if i'm angry-angry i usually listen to something from Paramore, Ignorance probably, since they have a lot of songs that i can relate to so yeah. If i'm sad-angry then... When It All Falls Apart by the Veronicas. Such an appropriate song for my mood, and it's really great too :)
i was on schedule today! hahaha
♥ always,
hazel
This actually kind of depends if i'm sad-angry or like angry-angry... did that make sense? if i'm angry-angry i usually listen to something from Paramore, Ignorance probably, since they have a lot of songs that i can relate to so yeah. If i'm sad-angry then... When It All Falls Apart by the Veronicas. Such an appropriate song for my mood, and it's really great too :)
i was on schedule today! hahaha
♥ always,
hazel
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Day 7 to 12
looks like i've been overdue a lot lately! sorry about that, it's just been so hectic around here, not to mention some annoying family matters. but everything's sort of under control now. don't worry, i haven't abandoned my 31 days of music!
Day 7- A song that you can dance to
What the Hell by Avril Lavigne
alriiiiiiiight i think half of the songs i blog about will probably be from her but i can't help it! hahaha i'll try my best to not let the next few be from her though, but it's not my fault she's so amazing right? ;) This song is just so addictive and catchy that everytime i hear it i want to get up and dance. or more like jump about, but that's about the same thing in our time right? and her voice is awesome. i love her choruses, she does it so effortlessly that it always leaves me breathless everytime, and that's not because i was jumping :P
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Day 8- A song that makes you fall asleep
Fix You by Coldplay
i admit that i can't fall asleep with music on, especially if it's from a singer that i like. i'll just concentrate too much and end up having to stop it in order to sleep. but this song is pretty slow and the melody is beautiful. i dont get sleepy everytime i hear it, it's just easier to fall asleep to as compared to other songs. no offence, coldplay. this is an amazing song, i really love the lyrics. and his voice is so good, i think he can go higher than i can >.>
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Day 9- A song from your favourite band
Where the Lines Overlap by Paramore
I don't really listen to many bands and if i do, they're probably just a few songs, same with this one. But i really like this song, and I like more songs from Paramore than from any other band. Their signature opening riff really pulls me in and their lyrics are pretty cool too. and hayley's voice is one of the best i've ever heard. I particularly love the line ' and now i've got a feeling that if i sang this loud enough, you would sing it back to me.'
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Day 10- A song that no one would expect you to love
Get Back by Demi Lovato
Demi is so amazing, i've only just started listening to her like a few months back. Earlier on i thought i'd never ever like a disney singer but i'm totally wrong, she's nothing like selena gomez or whatever. The reason why i chose this song for this day is because the whole song sounds so jonas brotherish, if you listen to the riffs in between the chorus and verse you'll know what i'm talking about. and jonas brothers--> DISNEY. sorry, i dont have anything against disney singers, but miley cyrus and selena gomez just ruined the image of them :( but overall, this is such a great song because it's so upbeat even though the lyrics are slightly wistful and i think demi's voice is amazing, just listen to the bridge. AMAZING. listening to it makes my throat hurt even more haha.
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Day 11- A song that describes you
The Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift
I know this is kind of a weird song to choose that describes me but it really does, and i dont really know how to explain it either haha. I guess i'm the type of person that needs spark and excitement in life and i cant and wont settle for mundaneness or whatever. i need a person that can be wild and crazy, frustrating, intoxicating, complicated and still amazing all at the same time. maybe it doesnt make sense, and that's okay since i'm not really sure how to describe it as well. but listen to this song and it explains all :)
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Day 12- A song from your favourite album
Everybody Hurts by Avril Lavigne
hahaha oh dear i'm sorry again! but Goodbye Lullaby wins as my favourite album hands down. i only had difficulty deciding which song to put on here... it was a close fight between Everybody Hurts and Wish You Were Here. I chose this song because I listened to it some eight months ago during that period of time and it helped me get through in one piece. i can't believe she wrote this song a long time ago, because it really feels as though it was written for me, even though i know it's not. it's such a beautiful song, and if the studio version doesn't convince you, go listen to the acoustic ones she did with Evan, those are even more amazing. i can relate to every word of the song and the guitar is pretty catchy too for an acoustic song :)
and only because it's so much better than the studio version:
alright that's all for today, love you all!
Day 7- A song that you can dance to
What the Hell by Avril Lavigne
alriiiiiiiight i think half of the songs i blog about will probably be from her but i can't help it! hahaha i'll try my best to not let the next few be from her though, but it's not my fault she's so amazing right? ;) This song is just so addictive and catchy that everytime i hear it i want to get up and dance. or more like jump about, but that's about the same thing in our time right? and her voice is awesome. i love her choruses, she does it so effortlessly that it always leaves me breathless everytime, and that's not because i was jumping :P
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Day 8- A song that makes you fall asleep
Fix You by Coldplay
i admit that i can't fall asleep with music on, especially if it's from a singer that i like. i'll just concentrate too much and end up having to stop it in order to sleep. but this song is pretty slow and the melody is beautiful. i dont get sleepy everytime i hear it, it's just easier to fall asleep to as compared to other songs. no offence, coldplay. this is an amazing song, i really love the lyrics. and his voice is so good, i think he can go higher than i can >.>
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Day 9- A song from your favourite band
Where the Lines Overlap by Paramore
I don't really listen to many bands and if i do, they're probably just a few songs, same with this one. But i really like this song, and I like more songs from Paramore than from any other band. Their signature opening riff really pulls me in and their lyrics are pretty cool too. and hayley's voice is one of the best i've ever heard. I particularly love the line ' and now i've got a feeling that if i sang this loud enough, you would sing it back to me.'
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Day 10- A song that no one would expect you to love
Get Back by Demi Lovato
Demi is so amazing, i've only just started listening to her like a few months back. Earlier on i thought i'd never ever like a disney singer but i'm totally wrong, she's nothing like selena gomez or whatever. The reason why i chose this song for this day is because the whole song sounds so jonas brotherish, if you listen to the riffs in between the chorus and verse you'll know what i'm talking about. and jonas brothers--> DISNEY. sorry, i dont have anything against disney singers, but miley cyrus and selena gomez just ruined the image of them :( but overall, this is such a great song because it's so upbeat even though the lyrics are slightly wistful and i think demi's voice is amazing, just listen to the bridge. AMAZING. listening to it makes my throat hurt even more haha.
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Day 11- A song that describes you
The Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift
I know this is kind of a weird song to choose that describes me but it really does, and i dont really know how to explain it either haha. I guess i'm the type of person that needs spark and excitement in life and i cant and wont settle for mundaneness or whatever. i need a person that can be wild and crazy, frustrating, intoxicating, complicated and still amazing all at the same time. maybe it doesnt make sense, and that's okay since i'm not really sure how to describe it as well. but listen to this song and it explains all :)
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Day 12- A song from your favourite album
Everybody Hurts by Avril Lavigne
hahaha oh dear i'm sorry again! but Goodbye Lullaby wins as my favourite album hands down. i only had difficulty deciding which song to put on here... it was a close fight between Everybody Hurts and Wish You Were Here. I chose this song because I listened to it some eight months ago during that period of time and it helped me get through in one piece. i can't believe she wrote this song a long time ago, because it really feels as though it was written for me, even though i know it's not. it's such a beautiful song, and if the studio version doesn't convince you, go listen to the acoustic ones she did with Evan, those are even more amazing. i can relate to every word of the song and the guitar is pretty catchy too for an acoustic song :)
and only because it's so much better than the studio version:
alright that's all for today, love you all!
♥ always,
hazel
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Day 6... and some other stuff.
I know they say not to blog when angry or agitated or whatever... but ugh. I can't stand how unreasonable you're being. I hate you so much, i'm so glad that i'll be away for the next few days so i wont have to face you. but i made a promise to myself that i wont let any of my projects suffer because of your stupid male chavaunistic personality. too bad. sorry, you're not getting to me.
Alright now that that's out of the way...
DAY 6- a song that reminds you of a certain event
Bad Reputation by Joan Jett (covered by Avril Lavigne)
The intro of this song reminds me of rushing to to front row of Avril's May 9th concert. It was super chaotic, with people getting knocked over, drinks spilled, barriers overturned... but i still managed to get somewhere near the front though! it was the most amazing night of my life, i'll never forget it :)
oh yeah, i just realised how addicted i am to music just now. my laptop was throwing tantrums and refused to connect to the internet... so i was literally shaking with the need to open youtube and play a song LOL. terribleee! but music is one addiction i have no intention of dropping anytime soon so yeah <3
okay my lovelies, i'm gonna go sleep soon. i hope everything will be better tomorrow, because i really need it to.
♥ each and every one of you always,
hazel
Alright now that that's out of the way...
DAY 6- a song that reminds you of a certain event
Bad Reputation by Joan Jett (covered by Avril Lavigne)
The intro of this song reminds me of rushing to to front row of Avril's May 9th concert. It was super chaotic, with people getting knocked over, drinks spilled, barriers overturned... but i still managed to get somewhere near the front though! it was the most amazing night of my life, i'll never forget it :)
oh yeah, i just realised how addicted i am to music just now. my laptop was throwing tantrums and refused to connect to the internet... so i was literally shaking with the need to open youtube and play a song LOL. terribleee! but music is one addiction i have no intention of dropping anytime soon so yeah <3
okay my lovelies, i'm gonna go sleep soon. i hope everything will be better tomorrow, because i really need it to.
♥ each and every one of you always,
hazel
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Days 2 to 5 :)
Hello again!
Unfortunately over the last few days i wasn't able to get internet connection so i couldn't blog :( Alright so i'm gonna make up for the past few days right now. here goes.
Day 02 - A song that makes you happy
Day 03 - A song that makes you sad
Day 04 - A song that reminds you of someone
Day 05 - A song that reminds you of somewhere
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Day 2- A song that makes you happy
Fifteen by Taylor Swift
This song is about a year old, give or take. I don't really know why it makes me happy, but maybe it's because it reminds me of everything that happened this year, good or bad. Being 15 was one of the hardest things in my life so far and to be able to listen to this song and look back on all the experiences that I had makes me happy, i guess. and it helps that i have some fond memories of this song too :)
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Day 3- A song that makes you sad
Someone Like You- Adele
Although this song makes me sad... i love it so much! The piano is so beautiful, sometimes it makes me wish i could play. I think it's quite obvious why it makes me sad. Even though you're perfect, you're leaving soon, and i dont think i can find someone quite like you. you're so unique and different and i love how i can never predict your responses accurately. i'm not saying i like unpredictability, but maybe i need more people like you in my life. but everytime i get close to people like you, it never lasts so maybe i'll keep my distance so that you'll stay.
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Day 4- A song that reminds you of someone
The Only Exception by Paramore
Well... that one was expected wasn't it? It was my first connection to you and honestly, i dont think i'll forget this so easily. it doesn't help that there are so many repeated lines in this song that gives me time to think about you. That being said, the harmonies here are beautiful :)
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Day 5- A song that reminds you of somewhere
Pretty Boy by M2M
LOL this is embarrassing... but M2M was pretty much my childhood when i was younger. I used to listen to this song when i was with my dad in the car waiting for my mom to finish teaching at her tuition centre. i'd play this song non stop, and at that time i didnt know what the lyrics meant, i just liked the song in general. and their voices are pretty high too, maybe that was what appealed to me. haha so this song reminds me of that place where we waited for her, some carpark i think. i can even visualize it right now. i think that had to be when i was like 6ish or something. goes to show that songs are amazing memory tools, go use it for your next test ;)
alright kids that's all for today... more tomorrow! stay tuned!
♥ always,
hazel
Unfortunately over the last few days i wasn't able to get internet connection so i couldn't blog :( Alright so i'm gonna make up for the past few days right now. here goes.
Day 02 - A song that makes you happy
Day 03 - A song that makes you sad
Day 04 - A song that reminds you of someone
Day 05 - A song that reminds you of somewhere
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Day 2- A song that makes you happy
Fifteen by Taylor Swift
This song is about a year old, give or take. I don't really know why it makes me happy, but maybe it's because it reminds me of everything that happened this year, good or bad. Being 15 was one of the hardest things in my life so far and to be able to listen to this song and look back on all the experiences that I had makes me happy, i guess. and it helps that i have some fond memories of this song too :)
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Day 3- A song that makes you sad
Someone Like You- Adele
Although this song makes me sad... i love it so much! The piano is so beautiful, sometimes it makes me wish i could play. I think it's quite obvious why it makes me sad. Even though you're perfect, you're leaving soon, and i dont think i can find someone quite like you. you're so unique and different and i love how i can never predict your responses accurately. i'm not saying i like unpredictability, but maybe i need more people like you in my life. but everytime i get close to people like you, it never lasts so maybe i'll keep my distance so that you'll stay.
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Day 4- A song that reminds you of someone
The Only Exception by Paramore
Well... that one was expected wasn't it? It was my first connection to you and honestly, i dont think i'll forget this so easily. it doesn't help that there are so many repeated lines in this song that gives me time to think about you. That being said, the harmonies here are beautiful :)
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Day 5- A song that reminds you of somewhere
Pretty Boy by M2M
LOL this is embarrassing... but M2M was pretty much my childhood when i was younger. I used to listen to this song when i was with my dad in the car waiting for my mom to finish teaching at her tuition centre. i'd play this song non stop, and at that time i didnt know what the lyrics meant, i just liked the song in general. and their voices are pretty high too, maybe that was what appealed to me. haha so this song reminds me of that place where we waited for her, some carpark i think. i can even visualize it right now. i think that had to be when i was like 6ish or something. goes to show that songs are amazing memory tools, go use it for your next test ;)
alright kids that's all for today... more tomorrow! stay tuned!
♥ always,
hazel
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