part and parcel

I'm so so so disappointed. Why does every one around me seem to be letting me down all the time? It's not fair. And they don't even seem to feel guilty about it, like I would if the roles were reversed. I guess I'm so disappointed by their lack of apology, or how it seems like they don't care about it as much as I do. A lot of the times when they disappoint me I just let it go because I don't want to get angry and lose them as a result. But in this case I can't. This feeling is swallowing me whole and I want to make it stop but I can't find a way to. 

I know there are plenty of other more serious things happening that are more tragic and sad, but for my own selfish reasons I can't help but concentrate on my own problems. I know it's wrong but I can't help feeling so upset and distraught because this is something I've wanted for the longest time ever and just giving it up like this is killing me inside. I planned the perfect July out and now there's almost nothing left. Why can't things go according to my plan?

I know God has a plan for me but I'm so tired of waiting for Him to do His work. His timing is perfect, but it is also unknown. My faith is all but run out, because I really need something and He's taken it away from me. There are so many things I can't control right now and I feel so fucking useless and helpless and worthless and hopeless. It's not fair it's just not fair. So many other people i've known have had this and I know at least one of them didn't really want it. But I want it so badly. I really really really need that last thing to come through for me or else I feel like I might give up entirely. Because it's gonna determine my life for the next four years, so you can imagine how bloody important it is to me. 

Please God, if you're reading this right now, please stop taking things away from me. I'm so tired of having them taken away and not having anything else in return. I don't know what else I can hope for now. I know that other people are going through a much tougher time than me, and I'm being selfish, but I'm human. And I'm disappointed. Why did you have to take so many things away from me in such a short span of time? I can't bear it. 

It's not fair for me to be taking this out on others either but why should I be fair when life isn't being fair to me? I guess thats the fair thing about life: that it's unfair to everyone. Really hope things get better soon, I'll keep you updated.

❤️always, 

Hazel