What the hellllll.

I didn't pass the test.

After 2 weeks of making up my mind. Addictions usually take a week or so to shake off but this one is a whole lot harder since I went two weeks and I still failed. I thought I was doing well but turns out I wasn't. I am/was 75% sure that we are/were done and today that 25% comes haunting me. It's threatening to push my certainty to about 20%. Am I letting it? Should I let it?

It's frustrating how the minority comes into play just because it's you.

Ahhhhhhh i don't know what else to write here. I'm sort of looking forward to this coming week because it's only what, 3 days of school? and Wednesday is a half day. Talk about SLACK. Yayyy :)

Why do flu medicines have lemon flavour in them/taste sour? If lemon/sourness plays a role in preventing/curing flus I should be flu-free for about a million years by now.

♥hazel

Decisions, decisions.

Today was so entirely fun. Went to Marina Barrage for a picnic/stand around with Hosea! Yayyy.

The day started out pretty slow but I eventually managed to get to Marina Barrage. On time. I brought muffins baked the previous day and I'll admit that it's my mistake to have brought like 10 of them there because at the end of it, only like 3 were eaten. I should have learned my lesson from previous potlucks but neverrr mind. I'll bring like 5 next time. There were like 10 people so maybe the formula is to halve what you made. I'm such a nerd :)

And I was really really really kind of shocked when there was actually a cake. More like a brownie but yeah. Turns out that Aaron baked it for me and Phoebe because our birthdays were around this time. that was really sweet of him!! he woke up at like 8 this morning to bake it. At that time I was like fast asleep hehe. So thoughtful lol. THANK YOU AARON! :)

Then we went to Raffles' City to find food. haha i think we wasted about an hour standing around trying to decide what was cheapest. hosea is a fan of standing around doing nothing LOL. We stayed around until 6.30 because we had to walk across half the shopping centre to find a toilet. seriouslyy. And i didn't know Clarence lived in the hougang area too! So awesome that i had someone to go home with instead of being the odd one when everyone else was like living in central or something.

I want to join Philotheos. I just think it's really cool to be playing music and glorifying God at the same time, but am I good enough? And how do I even try to get in? I know there are auditions and that's the thing I hate the most. I'm not even respectably good at guitar. I can't read notes, I can't pluck really complicated stuff like I hear during worship. What the hell, I don't even think I have the right guitar. It's acoustic and all but it can't plug in. i guess i'll just pray about it and see what happens :)

And I want to skip GB camp and go for church camp instead. It's like sec 1 to 3 camp and I wanna go because it's my last year to go. And no doubt it will be wayyy better than GB camp. I heard last year that someone skipped GB camp because she had church camp so I'll see if I can do that too. It would so make my week if I find out that i can.

I guess that's pretty much all that's happening right about now. Class tests are like next weekish and ughhhhhh. looking forward to 21st though, celebratory barbecue dinner for the sec 1 camp comm 2011! and then 23rd Jan, music video for WTH! IN 3D. time to dig out those hanna montana 3D glasses! :)

♥hazel

PS: it's been 3days. I'm on my way to believing you're a thing of the past. Let's wait for a week to pass and I'm sure you'll be history :)

The magical day.

School was alright today.

I really can't stand my e math teacher because she speaks really softly and I can't hear her. Even though i ask her to speak louder loads of times she just goes louder for like 3 words and then back to normal volume. Who says it's only students that speak softly? She's OCD as well but i guess i'm not the best person to say that.

Literature was enlightening. I found out that CCM isn't as pure and innocent as it really is. Why the hell do they have to beat around the bush? Just go "Hey, ask Tantie if I can **** her." Chemistry was fine, we learned ionic equations, which, thankfully, aren't as hard as they sound/look. And then chapel then peer lite refresher course. But there's good news.

PEER LITES ARE GETTING A BADGE!!! Like finally!!!!!! I'm so happy. I heard we're getting a silver tie but i don't really think so. We'd look really weird.

Here's the deal. I don't even see him and haven't even spoken to him and don't even know who he is and he still did it. AND he's your friend. I don't know what the hell is going on in your brain, mister, but i'd like to know. Give me a peek someday alright?

I had a birthday song shared with 2 other people today. One girl's birthday was yesterday, the other is tomorrow. Pretty cool huh? It was really uneventful today, although I'm still waiting for my hoodie to come in the mail about next week. Yayy.

I'm just going to write what I feel at this point of time down here so I don't forget that I ever felt this way. Because it's 100% guaranteed I'm going to change my mind tomorrow or something. I think you're really immature and right now I can't provide one reason to myself why I ever ever ever ____ you. You're just that way by nature and I can't ever see why I thought I was special. And I didn't even get the full extent of the 'treatment'. Maybe it's all His way of not letting me get hurt by not letting me get sucked in. He cared enough to close a door He didn't want me to walk through and I think I see it now and I'm thankful, if that's what he's trying to tell me.

We'll see about that. Meanwhile, it's good to be 15.

♥hazel

Enchanted to meet you.

Okay this shall be a quick post.

Today was a holiday for reasons I'm too tired to explain haha. I went out for lunch with the usual people and it was awesome. We visited the icing box and it was reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fun to decorate the cake on our own. After making it we went up to the skygarden to eat it and a group of boys on the other side 'sang' a birthday song for me. So cute! okay well maybe that was more like one person shouting happy birthday but still!

It was really too much to describe but I am sosososososo lucky to have such amazing friends that are willing to spend their free day with me! It's my birthday in half an hour, and in half an hour i'll be 15. It's not that much of a deal.

Oh who am i kidding?

♥hazel.

Look what you've done.

Let's rewind back a few days alright?

I'm being completely honest with myself and you right now. I didn't think the camp was all that successful and I didn't feel the magic of it all on the last day. There was just something missing from it. I wrote a note to everyone I worked with telling them how much I enjoyed working with them and that part isn't a lie. But I just didn't feel that I did a good job leading 1-5. Maybe if I was better in leading their finale night wouldn't have been such a disaster. I don't know why everyone is saying finale night is such a success when to me, it clearly isn't. I don't have to pretend I loved loved loved the camp here and it's better that i don't.

I don't understand why the camp was such a huge success for everyone else and here I am, trying to convince myself that it is but failing. I don't think anyone else thinks the same as I do but that's okay since it's soley my fault that 1-5 didn't perform as well as the other classes. I still don't know how to get them to listen to me. If i was better this wouldn't have happened. No way.

Then I got home and suddenly everything around me started falling apart and I don't know how to fix it. Maybe I should just let the other party fix it. Why should I be the one trying all the time? it's not fair.

And now I finally see it. I don't mean anything to you at all and all this time I was putting you really high on my priorities list when I was no where near the top of it on yours. So now I'm throwing away my mental priorities list but when I do that, I question myself about whether this person really deserves to be taken for granted and then I answer no, which then leads me back to square one. You don't deserve any more chances but I know I'll end up giving you one and get hurt again.

I almost hurt another person today because I thought you remembered. Turns out you didn't, and that person was innocent. She doesn't deserve to be thrown out from her seat and I almost did, only to realise that you didn't give a damn about me. You're the one who doesn't deserve anything at all. I'm so sick and tired of your carefree attitude. The day that you learn to appreciate me is the day I'll forgive you and stop holding grudges, but it's gonna be a long wait.

Don't say I'm sensitive because this isn't the first time that this happened. You don't keep your promises and I'm so tired of putting up with your excuses and apologies. How will I even know if you'll adhere to them? What about next time? Can I trust you the next time you make me a promise? I don't think so.

How the hell would it feel if I cancelled on you, if I twirled you round my little finger and if I took your feelings and stepped all over them? Think about it, alright?

you're not sorry. why don't i ever learn? people don't ever change, no matter how sorry they are.

♥hazel.

Happy 2011!

I know I'm late, but better late than never.

So yeah, you know those facebook notification emails? I finally got around to deleting them today. And do you know how many of them there were? 510, give or take. Do you remember when we used to be so close that you used to post on my wall by mistake when you just wanted to update your status? Do you remember that story you sent me that you never finished? Do you remember how I helped you get your current boyfriend back and you tried to help me with mine? Do you remember all those hours we spent on chat, Habbo, Club Penguin, even Barbie.com? And how you stayed up the whole night just to talk to me? How I used to wake up at 4 am to catch the ustream with you? Do you remember how we used to share every detail of our lives? Because if you don't, I do.

One year ago we were so close. Inseparably close. But in a year so many things can change and we hardly talk anymore. I miss the old you. Maybe you're thinking I've changed, and I won't deny that I have. I'm sorry, but all the memories have to go. I can't look at them anymore. I took our seasonal friendship more literally and important than you did, and now looking back I realise that was where I went wrong.

That's the part of today's post dedicated to you, so you can know how much you used to mean to me. Past tense is a sad thing.

Sec 1 camp is tomorrowww!!! :)) So excited. All our hard work is finally going to be rewarded. I have to find people to take notes for me so yeah. And I'm not really done packing and haven't even downloaded the songs needed :( So you can imagine I have so many things to do.

I was complaining that I didn't have a locker a few weeks ago but now the locker people gave me not one, but TWO lockers. Amazing right? I don't know if I have to pay for two or just one but I texted back and they didn't reply. Oh well ;)

By Friday I am going to be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I actually calculated: if I get 4 hours of sleep in total for the camp, I'm gonna have to sleep for 36 hours during the weekend. Cool. Mark my words. And yes, that's how intense it's going to be, 2 hours of sleep each night. So say we have to wake up at 7, we'll probably sleep at 5, because we need to get ready for all the stuff the next day. Insane, but I'm excited. Hopefully this excitement keeps me awake.

I'm doing devotion tomorrow, first thing at start of camp so it's really important that I make a good impression. I just hope I can do it and live up to my & others' expectations. That's it, see you guys whenever :)

♥hazel

Here we go.

I don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first, fearless.

It's the last day of 2010 and I won't lie, I'm definitely gonna miss it so much. I hate changes so much and I'll try to fight them as much as I can but in this case I can't.

I'm so thankful for all my friends. Following this I'll write a short paragraph to each of you, but it'll be anonymous so don't worry :)

Hey, I'll Really miss the both of You next year. We've had some incredible moments this year that I'll never ever forget. You guys have also shown me that even though someone else that we're really close to is in a different class, we can still be as close as ever. I love the stupid things we do and you'll always be in my heart. In this moment now, capture it, remember it.

I really admire you. You're in a different class from the three of us and yet you're really strong on the outside. I feel selfish for never actually considering how you felt being separated but now that it's happening to me I start to think. Thank you for being so wonderful this year and I've always considered you as one of my best friends. Just stay healthy and happy!

I know we're not as cloSe as we used to be last time. But I miss the old you. I really do. I don't know when you started to change but when I noticed it it was already too late. I really wish someone recorded our relationship with a video camera so I could define the exact point of time when you started changing. Nevertheless, I wanna wish you the best of luck for next year.

You're so noisy that I'll miss the noise next year. I never thought I'd say this but yeah. Your passion for Japanese music/Japan is reall intense and I have to say I've never really met someone with a passion that strong and one that lasts that long! We're alike in some ways, so maybe that's why we get along. :)

Thank you for all youR support during camp! I would never have been able to make it through without you. Thanks for being an awesome church friend and I really appreciate you! I love our chats which are really random so yeah. Hope you have a great 2011! :)

I really think you're a great guy. It's Just that right now I'm being shown so many other guys that can be wayyyy better than you but I don't know why I still want you. I'm really confused because all we're giving out is mixed signals that neither of us understand. I'll just let things work out by themselves. I want to let you go but I can't. I don't know when the breaking point is but I hope it'll come soon. Meanwhile, I'll watch you from a distance okay? Just stay yourself.

I miss you. No, scratch that. I miss the things we used to do together and taLk about but I don't miss you. I don't know how this started to turn sour but I kinda wish it hadn't. Don't forget that you owe me bigtime for your boyfriend. If you wish you hadn't known me it's like wishing you don't have your boyfriend so think carefully. Good luck for next year, although you're so damn lucky and privileged that you don't need it.

Dear 2011: please be better and acomplish all the things 2010 didn't.

It's funny how much can happen in a year. Stay tuned to next year.

♥ hazel.

So close.

Ok so um... I finally finally found out how much 4 years can contribute to someone. By that I mean like socially and not like physically or whatever. I don't wanna dwell too much on that topic so let's move on.

I could definitely say today was amazing. Met the penguins aka Hosea at 11plus at some bubble tea shop in the MRT which I took ages to find and we went to eat at the foodcourt againnn. Following that we got tix for Gulliver's Travels and proceeded to Ben and Jerry's to spend our $15 voucher we won for coming in second. And then we played Polar Bear ^^ In Ben and Jerry's? Yeahhh. Then we went into the movie theatre and yeah. After the movie it was pretty much just walking around and talking.

I guess I pretty much blanked on description above. I'm gonna have to do better if I want to be in CAP but all of a sudden I don't feel like writing 10 samples and explaining why I wrote them. That's like carving my heart out and giving it to total strangers to dissect. At least here no one's gonna throw my words back in my face and ask me why I wrote them.

Upcoming this week: dry run for sec 1 camp for Wednesday and Thursday, then.. watchnight on Friday I guess. I don't know if my YSG's going but I don't think so. We're not really that close even though we're kind of supposed to be but maybe that's just me? And then it's 2011. Time passes so fast, but I guess good things have to end for more good things to happen. Like a download of WTH on January 1st, and Goodbye Lullaby March 8th.

I just saw the timetable and at a glance it seems like I could cope pretty well. I'm in one of my moods where I think next year's gonna be completely fine and maybe even fun. It just usually wears off after a while.

I suddenly think back to this time last year when I was at church camp and really worried about sec 2. Some of the girls in my group who were sec 2s told me it was really nothing, despite it being streaming year and all. Fast forward to 2010. Back then I thought they were lying but now when my sec 1 friend asks about sec 2, I say the exact same thing to her. It makes me wonder if sec 3's gonna be the same. It has the exact same factor- it being the year just before the O's. So maybe when I get to the end of sec 4 I'm gonna be saying that the O's was really nothing.

Why are you so hard to let go of when you're not even mine?

I'll remember 19th of December 2010 even if you don't.

♥ hazel.

All I wanted was you.

If you knew how much I want to be you, you'd think I'm a stalker, or at least insane.

I will probably regret saying this if I do actually get to be you, but I know it won't happen so I'm gonna go ahead and say it anyway. No matter what imperfections you have in your life, or whatever you're going through at this point of time, I don't care. I just want to be you for that special link you have with someone.

I'm done with my selfish paragraph for today. I don't care what you think of me, because if you're reading this, there won't ever be a chance for you to talk to me about it, but if there is, I'll just brush it off. We're all humans and at one point or other in our lives have been selfish right? I don't believe you if you say you haven't.

Let's jump to the other side of the glass for a moment. A part of me is saying it's time I let you go, after 1-2 years. But a bigger part of me is saying to hold on tight and never let go, no matter what may happen.

There's no point being jealous, that's what I think right now. It's not like I can do anything about it right? I wish there was a book that told me exactly how to be like her, what to say and how to act. I can't just wiki this, it's way more complicated than that. I wish I knew you better. I wish I could start all over again 2 years ago where I swear to myself that i won't mess things up and i'll be exactly like her, like the girl you know now.

I really really want to know how you guys got that way, but it's not jealousy, I swear, because you're like that with every random girl except me. I just want to know how this whole thing works. Sometimes it seems like there are rules that I make up myself that don't actually apply to the situation and even go against the actual 'rules' that they have. I'd really like to have a heart to heart with this 'they' so that they can run through the rules and regulations with me and I won't be left out of the loop. And I promise, this once, that I won't scroll through and click 'I Agree' without understanding every single term.

I'm sure this doesn't make any sense but at least it once did to me.

It's just so unfair how you have everything I'm dreaming of and you don't even want it.

I guess i'm gonn' have to be satisfied with what I have, even though it doesn't really seem like I have it.

Did you notice my little Christmas colouring? Cool right? We're getting EVEN closer to Christmas right now so check this out!!! www.merryswiftmas.com I promise it's not spam :)

♥ hazel

If you love me, if you hate me.

Okay so I have quite a bit of things to say here but don't worry, we'll get there.

I just came back from church camp a couple days ago and I have to say it was really different from what I was expecting. It really changed my perspective of God and I really appreciate Him for letting me be in his presence. I would turn back time without a doubt and go back and relive those 3-4 days again. There's two things I miss about camp: the super fixed routine and the worship. Worship was really amazing and I'll never forget it. And what I loved most was the last day where my camp group didn't sleep at all and stayed up together in one of the function rooms talking and playing.

There are some other darker things that I went through in the duration of those 4 days that I won't mention here but all I can say is that I'm very thankful for the support of my group and closer friends and most of all God. Without them all I would never have been able to pull through. If someone had described to me fully what was gonna happen to me at camp before I would never have actually believed them, but the more important thing is that now I do.

I thought you guys were real, but after camp ended I really saw your true colours. I don't know what I did to make you guys react in that way but all I can say is that I'm sorry I gave you my all in those short 3 days. I don't see why it had to end that way but I'm not really bothered by it, because now all we'll ever be is very very short acquaintances, and I'm not really gonna see you any time soon. And even if I do, I don't have to pretend everything's alright more than you guys do. I just have one question to ask you: did you forget how I was there for you when one of those darker things happened? I guess you did.

I kind of think I should shift my target now to slightly older guys. But if this is like what happened last year I'll be over him in a few months so let's wait and see.

Alriiight. I think we're done with the serious stuff. I just wanted to write them down here so I feel like my thoughts are real.

I'm currently trying to upload our cover but it's not working. I tried so many times on FB but when there's like an hour or so left it just stops loading. So now I'm trying youtube in the hope that it'll be faster but right now it's telling me 243 mins are remaining. Alright youtube seems to be faster, I'm a happy girl ^^

I just wish I could remember how it was like when we hugged.

About 30 secs or so of What The Hell sort of leaked and I think it's really amazing. Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz20KVWTsR0

Ohhh I'm thinking what the hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me,
You can save me any baby.
All my life I've been good, but now
Whoaaa what the hell
What, what, what, what the hell?

So good. :) Can't wait for New Year's Eve.

♥hazel.