gotta talk to you

Hello everyone!!!! I hope you've been well, it's been a week since I last updated but not much has happened.

Now that I'm officially unemployed again, my days pass by so fast in a blur of laziness, which I can't exactly say is bad ;) I went to cut and dye my hair too, something which I've been wanting to do for a long time since my roots were beginning to show. I caught Jurassic World in 3D as well, and did you know that Shaw doesn't loan out 3D glasses anymore? You have to buy your own for $2 a pair. I guess it's worth it though, since you only have to buy it once and it's a lot more hygienic. But we basically got them for free though since students get a $2 discount on tickets.

On to the movie itself: it was so awful! (read: amazingly cool but so intensely scary). There were some primary school ish boys in the same row, and I'm ashamed to say that they weren't scared at all whereas I was clutching at my friend's hand for dear life. But the adults behind me screamed at some scenes, so I guess I didn't do too badly.

UM if you're not scared of this badass popping out of your screen randomly while roaring like hell then idk man. Not to mention the crunching and screaming whenever someone gets eaten

But overall, it was good. For the effects and the animation (i don't think this is the right word to use here but) but the overall plot was just a huge "this is not a good idea" and "hoe don't do it" right from the beginning. But I enjoyed it nevertheless.

On a more serious note, I stumbled across an old friend's blog the past week, and I found some old posts that were made right when we were going through a rough patch. I guess naturally we all tend to tell the story from our point of view, and that can be really inaccurate sometimes. But I got all annoyed at the way she described things and- I won't go into detail. It was almost a year ago, and I've moved on. But the whole time I was reading her blog I just

So yeah. 

Oh I got called up by my fac camp group leader today!!!!! It was hilarious bc I was actually pranked (like all the other members in my group, as I soon found out). The call started out with the caller (a guy) introducing himself to be from NUS psych, and asking if he could do a survey on me, and that I had a chance of winning a $30 shopping voucher. So I agreed, and his first question was: What kind of trait do you look for in a partner? I was caught pretty off guard by that and to be honest, I couldn't think of ANY trait. And it didn't help that I was browsing through pics of GD atm. So after much hemming and hawing I finally answered honesty, and a sense of humour. 

The second question was as follows: How high would you rate looks and attractiveness in a guy? From a scale of 1-10. I answered honestly like 6-7, which is a pretty safe answer I feel? Idk man as long as the guy appeals to my standards, I'm good. And it's pretty hard to rate whether someone has high or low standards, but I've been told that my taste in guys are not that good.

Third q: If you found out that your boyfriend has a small dick, would you dump him? To which I said no, since I have to look at him as a whole person and not just judge based on his size or whatever. Ugh I was seriously stuttering so bad here bc the qns were getting so inappropriate and I considered hanging up. And finally, the last q: Would you want a bf with a long dick or a thick dick?

Omg dealbreaker. Obviously I wasn't about to choose between the two, since the politically correct answer would be "I don't choose my bf based on dick size." And that's just what I said since at that point in time I obviously knew this wasn't a real survey and it was some kind of prank. Then I was congratulated for passing the test and that I was offered a place in the HSS camp.

Wow talk about speechless. I mean I knew it was a prank of sorts, but I didn't expect it to be from my group leaders hahaha. So I was given some pretty basic details about my grouping and stuff which I don't really remember haha but I do remember that my camp group is called Gaia!!!!! I was asked to send an unglam selfie of myself, which I did ugh I hope I didn't scare anyone off, and I was added to a chat group with all my group members.

Which cues my earlier anxieties that developed over the past two years. I have a fear of talking in group chats with people I don't really know (long story) mainly bc I'm scared of being ganged up on or ignored. But recently I'm trying to live by this logic: It's only awkward if you make it so. So I'm gonna try my best not to make things awkward, 'cause it's almost always in my imagination. 

Yup that pretty much sums up my week. I have my health checkup at NTU tomorrow, so I'll let you guys know how that goes as well. Hope you all have a fantastic week ahead!!! (no monday blues for me finally ;))

❤️ always,

Hazel

니가 뭔데

Finally it's my last day of work!!!!!!!! ahhhhh I'm so happy and relieved that it's over.

Nothing much happened at work today, I was mostly just clearing up my stuff and tying up loose ends. So it's safe to say I didn't really have much to do and just sat at my desk playing quizup (not so secretly) and texting.

Lunch was awful though. I had a farewell lunch with most of my team members and they are all awful. They're the kind of people who will smile while insulting you and laugh while making jokes at your expense. All I can say is that they made me feel so so so intimidated (and it's not just bc of the huge age gap) that I can't seem to say anything but the same few sentences again and again. Ugh. I really felt like a potato sitting there and smiling along, and they made me feel really inept and unsociable. I had some really insensitive comments thrown my way but I tried my best to ignore them (bc really, what could I do?) and a lot of questions asking me where I'm headed for uni. 

To be honest it's not that I don't want to share with them. It's just that, uni becomes the only topic they can talk to me about, and it's tiring. I'm way more than my future school/course/job, can't you find something else to talk to me about? I guess maybe it's an easy topic which doesn't require much effort. Well then I guess I won't put in that much effort into our conversation then, sounds fair doesn't it? 

As much as I've complained about the awful people at my job (those who are rude as hell, ungrateful, etc) there are some nice people I've met and I'm truly thankful for this opportunity. We all meet undesirable people in life no matter where we go, but what's important is that we have those few people to support us and share our burdens. And really, even though it doesn't change anything at all, everything is so much better :) I've learnt so many things over the past six months. 

One of them is to always be careful about what you say, bc word travels far and fast. And once you say something, you can't take it back or change it. People in the workplace aren't always what they seem. In fact, the only two mothers in my team are the least motherly of them all. They don't know how to treat others as they would like to be treated, have no sense of respect, and feel that they are superior above all. But I don't see why they have to be mean to those younger than them. Everyone you meet is someone else's flesh and blood, and I'm sure it would kill them inside to know that they are being mistreated by someone older than them, when they should be taken care of instead. 

I've really learnt a lot about an office job. Originally I thought it was easy, all I had to do was sit there and do whatever was assigned to me, but there's so much more than that. Personal affairs become mixed up with work, and you can't do anything but ignore it on the surface and pretend it doesn't exist for the sake of being professional. Precisely the reason why I was so hesitant to get close to anyone at work, because I thought it was risky mixing business with pleasure. I still am cautious, to be honest because I don't know where the line is drawn, and I think it would be best to err on the side of caution and never approach that line ever, wherever it's drawn. (did that make sense?) 

I don't really know what to do with your number. Would I ever have a reason to use it? And I don't want to be the first one to message (but in this situation the opposite is impossible since you gave me yours) because I don't really know what we would talk about. Yet I don't really want to just drop it either because I feel like you gave it to me for a reason, just that I don't really know what it is? You said "If you need anything, just ask." What does that even mean? Like advice, or something? Ugh I don't know. The generation/age gap between us makes it really hard for me to relate to you. 

So I guess that's about it for this week? I had to cancel my Korea trip :( but the good news is that we're getting an almost full refund :)) Nothing much coming up in the next few weeks other than some me time (FINALLY), settling my mountain load of uni stuff, my NTU health check up, HSS camp (hopefully?? I have yet to receive any news about it ugh) and some other plans. I'll keep you posted!!

❤️always, 

Hazel

part and parcel

I'm so so so disappointed. Why does every one around me seem to be letting me down all the time? It's not fair. And they don't even seem to feel guilty about it, like I would if the roles were reversed. I guess I'm so disappointed by their lack of apology, or how it seems like they don't care about it as much as I do. A lot of the times when they disappoint me I just let it go because I don't want to get angry and lose them as a result. But in this case I can't. This feeling is swallowing me whole and I want to make it stop but I can't find a way to. 

I know there are plenty of other more serious things happening that are more tragic and sad, but for my own selfish reasons I can't help but concentrate on my own problems. I know it's wrong but I can't help feeling so upset and distraught because this is something I've wanted for the longest time ever and just giving it up like this is killing me inside. I planned the perfect July out and now there's almost nothing left. Why can't things go according to my plan?

I know God has a plan for me but I'm so tired of waiting for Him to do His work. His timing is perfect, but it is also unknown. My faith is all but run out, because I really need something and He's taken it away from me. There are so many things I can't control right now and I feel so fucking useless and helpless and worthless and hopeless. It's not fair it's just not fair. So many other people i've known have had this and I know at least one of them didn't really want it. But I want it so badly. I really really really need that last thing to come through for me or else I feel like I might give up entirely. Because it's gonna determine my life for the next four years, so you can imagine how bloody important it is to me. 

Please God, if you're reading this right now, please stop taking things away from me. I'm so tired of having them taken away and not having anything else in return. I don't know what else I can hope for now. I know that other people are going through a much tougher time than me, and I'm being selfish, but I'm human. And I'm disappointed. Why did you have to take so many things away from me in such a short span of time? I can't bear it. 

It's not fair for me to be taking this out on others either but why should I be fair when life isn't being fair to me? I guess thats the fair thing about life: that it's unfair to everyone. Really hope things get better soon, I'll keep you updated.

❤️always, 

Hazel

brighter

now i think we're taking this too far
don't you know that it's not this hard

I'm not even sure where I stand right now in the five stages of grief haha I'm a hot mess. I hate this, I can't stop thinking of you every time I need the slightest bit of comfort or reassurance. I'm constantly going back and forth between "nothing has changed, only I have" and "everything has changed" and I can't seem to make up my mind, because both versions seem to make sense to me. One moment I'm convincing myself that I can go back to being who I was before this, getting happy and excited over ________ because nothing has changed. But a second later, I'll log onto ______ and start feeling so filthy and critical of every single thing that they do or say. And I can't seem to get that enthusiastic over them anymore, it's just gone. It's not that I don't like them anymore, I do. I just feel nothing inside? I don't even know anymore.

but if you take what's yours and i take mine
must we go there?
if i'm without you then i will feel so small

ugh I'm so annoyed bc I still can't figure out how to use my mac properly... I don't know how to repeat a song on iTunes for instance (and it's still messed up with so many songs missing from when I imported it from my PC ugh) and I don't know how to turn on auto capitalisation and a bunch of other things. All the shortcuts (two finger swipe, three finger whatever, screenshot, emoji) stay in my brain for no less than a day before I forget them again :'(

In other news, the mother tried to get me to go back to youth group again. She said I should "mix around with more Christian friends". Let me explain how many things are wrong with that statement. Firstly, I haven't gone to youth group properly in years, but I still have plenty of Christian friends. oh how can that possibly be??? Simple: CHRISTIANS DO NOT EXIST ONLY IN CHURCH. I don't have to go to church to find friends of the same religion as me, I already have. And I feel like these friends that I have right now do a better job of supporting me than people in youth group ever would. The reason being that these are people I choose to hang out with more than once a week, I make the effort to maintain a friendship with them no matter what stage we're at in our lives. But I have never met anyone like that in the youth groups I've been to, and I find it too perverse to share details of my personal and spiritual journey with a group of people I see once a week. Secondly, going to church to find friends seems really off to me. I know fellowship with others is important, but I don't think it should be the main focus. 

There's really something wrong with the youth group culture here.

I recently got some news that my supposed room mate is most likely getting a single by herself (long story) and so now I'm left alone to try for a double, and I might be staying with a random stranger?? I have no control over this now and that just makes the control freak in me freak out. I'm trying not to but I can't help but imagine all the worst things that could happen, like me getting a horrible room mate (foreigner, unhygienic, unsuitable personalities, uncool etc) and I CAN'T CONTROL IT. I hate this.

Btw your excuses are lame as hell. And you haven't even apologised once. I don't appreciate how you're so unreliable all the time and how you don't know how to comfort people when i've always tried to do that for you. And the worst part is that I can't get angry/ am scared of getting angry because it might mean that I lose a friend?? So I don't know any other reaction other than to let it slide and get stepped all over in the process.

I know maybe this might be a blessing in disguise, something that is prodding me out of my comfort zone but I'm so worried and I don't want to leave it. (who does?) Being this introverted is something that only happened within the last two years (I don't know when) and it's something I really hate about myself, but I automatically retreat with defences up whenever I meet new people. As a result, I guess I come off as unfriendly or cold. Even when I make an effort to be friendly or reach out, my inner critic will always lash out at me, laughing at how lame my attempts are and how the other person probably finds me weird as hell. I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to be confident in myself and approach someone.

I guess I'll have to start with having a brand new roomie? I know that this is something that has to happen in order for me to become a new person and have a fresh start. You know what? I'm going to make a list of promises to myself for uni. Here goes:

1. I promise to be more outgoing and sociable, and not shy away from new people.
2. I promise to not be such a control freak. When confronted with the unpredictable, I'll instead learn to let things move as they should.
3. I promise not to judge myself/ be my own worst critic.

That's it for now, it may seem little but they're all easier said than done :( I'll add more to the list later.

I feel like I've changed a lot since the last time I was here (i.e. 2011) but I can't seem to figure out how. I can't remember how I used to be back then and how it differs from how I am now. And it's hard to tear myself out of my body to examine every single detail and compare it to the old me (if that made sense??) But I do know some things.

1. I'm anxious when people don't text me back immediately sometimes esp when it's about important things. And I know the reason for this as well. It's because of how I used to frantically explain myself to B and her lack of response depressed me because I felt I wasn't getting through.
2. I doubt myself frequently. I guess I got over exposed to harsh criticism over the last two years and it made me lose confidence in myself. When I heard other people throwing mean comments at me, I guess I remembered those comments and thought they must be true, if I heard it so much. 
3. I stress out over not having control over the situation. I guess this is kind of linked to the previous one. My logic is that if I have control, I can formulate a suitable response to combat the situation and have enough time to analyse the pros and cons.

It's a long list and I'm working on it :( Root for me won't you? I think I really need it sigh. 

and if you have to go,
well always know that you shine brighter than anyone does

❤️always,
Hazel

...

So I realised I never actually finished my music blog thing and I was looking through my old posts and I couldn't believe they were written by me. I just don't remember myself ever writing such things, and some of them were pretty insightful if I do say so myself 😝

So here I am, deciding to finish up the rest of the days. I had a few days stored in my drafts from 4 years ago so I'll put up some page breaks so you know which is 2011 Hazel and 2015 Hazel (I sincerely hope there's a difference between them 😅)


_________________________________________________________________________________

*sheepish*

hahaha k enough said.

Day 22 - A song you can't help but air-jam to

Complete Me by Avril Lavigne

haha yes I know you probably haven't heard of this song before, and that's because it's not been released yet, this is actually a leaked song :x it's an instrumental though but i love it so much because of the guitar. haha so i went to learn it and everytime i listen to it i'll always be air jamming to it. it's beautiful without lyrics, so i guess with lyrics it's be unbeatable? haha because everyone knows this girl writes the best lyrics :P

Day 23 - A song you often get stuck in your head

With Ur Love by Cher Lloyd

This is actually a part lie. It actually depends what i'm listening(read: obsessed and on replay) to at the moment, which at this point in time would be this. It's a nice song, but I don't really like how she sings sometimes, with a little black accent? Not being racist here but yeah, she's obviously not black so why with the accent? And it would have been perfect if not for the bridge with Mike Posner. when he raps the bridge... it's cringe-worthy. not only because of his voice but the lyrics are CHEESY omg. so his attempt at a seductive voice + cheesy lyrics= x(. oh and this song: heaped with auto tune. sorry but yeah. and it's obviously quite lazily produced because a lot of vocals are just cut and pasted from the first/second verse into the last chorus.

haha i didn't mean to criticise this song that much but i couldn't stop :P but it's a catchy song though, especially the chorus and that's why it gets stuck in my head haha :) and she's so pretty, love her eyes.

Day 24 - A song you like to work out to

Misery Business by Paramore

No particular reason haha, it just came up the most today while i was at the gym so yeah. it's a nice song though and the MV is interesting ;)

Day 25 - A song you're embarrassed to admit liking

Who Says by Selena Gomez

._. hahaha yes. i dont really like Disney singers but this song by her is not bad. it's quite catchy and i absolutely LOVE the little intro part haha. i learned that part on guitar and it's fun to play LOL. But she's not an AMAZING singer or whatever, just listen to Naturally. yep.

Day 26 - A song you like that is the only one you have by that band

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

this song is so amazing! i just love the vocals. I know it's a pretty old song, but yeah. And i love how it's so singable, unlike some other songs where you need like a huge vocal range to sing and what not. They key is manageable too haha.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Day 27 - A song you got because you overheard it and all you could remember was one line

Here Without You by Three Doors Down

Yeah I hope you can tell this isn't really my genre of music. I actually had to look through my iTunes for this day, and I stumbled across this song. I still remember that I heard that one line that goes "I'm here without you baby, are you still with me in my dreams" in one of the advertisements when the TV was one and got hooked immediately, thus eventually downloading the song haha. It's a pretty good song tho, I love the melody of the chorus and how it's wistful and hopeful, along with the slight melancholy that the music provides.

Day 28 - A song that you don't like but inexplicably keep anyway

Brokenhearted by Karmin and Never Stop by Safety Suit

Another one in which I had to search through my iTunes for. I don't like these two songs for the same reason: they remind me of things I want to forget so desperately. The former reminds me of orientation, and the latter of a friend who hurt me really badly. She was actually the one who introduced me to the song, and I fell in love with it immediately after and couldn't stop playing it on repeat. It's a pity that I have such bad memories associated with these two songs because they are actually pretty amazing. Brokenhearted is so fun and upbeat despite its less than optimistic lyrics, and Never Stop is really romantic, a perfect song to be played at a wedding, summarising everything a girl would want in a guy.

Like I said, what a pity.





Day 29 - A song that you've heard a million times but still don't know all the words

Pompeii by Bastille

Okay so remember when this song was overplayed? I only got it after the hype died down and listened to it on repeat, but I still don't know all the lyrics. Maybe it's because all the verses sound the same, such that I can only remember parts of the chorus (how am i gonna be an optimist about this) and a teeny bit of the bridge. It's a good song, nevertheless, it's catchy and has a somewhat older (?) feel to it that kind of reminds me of Ancient Rome (???) maybe because of its intro.



Day 30 - A song you could sing right now despite not having listened to it in a long time

My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne

hahaha I'm sorry for using Avril again but I promise I haven't listened to her in the longest time ever, so naturally this post would be about Avril. This is overall such a great song that totally fuels my badass, couldn't care less, better off without you attitude. It's such a strong anthem that kinda promotes healing while also encouraging one to build up as many walls as possible to stay guarded, and that's totally my thing. hahaha enough said.



Day 31 - A song you think everyone should hear

Last Hope by Paramore

I love this song so much. It's one of their newer songs. I remember how this song helped me when I was dealing with some issues back in JC, and how it's still helping me right now, even though what I'm going through is completely different. It provided me with the emotional validation I was so desperately seeking, and acted as a soothing balm to my battered heart. I remember how I'd allow myself to get lost in the quiet yet rhythmic melody only to perk up at my favourite lines every now and then:

I don't even know myself at all, I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it I realise, gotta let go of control
And the salt in my wounds isn't burning any more than it used to
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has// and that's the hope i have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive
So if I let go of control now I can be strong 
It's just a spark, but it's enough to keep me going

And this live version is so gorgeous. Her voice just gives me shivers, and it is so utterly amazing and heartfelt. I really look up to Hayley. Listen to this if you're having a hard time. I promise it will help, because Paramore really knows what they're doing.

I'm finally done!!!!!! Who says I don't finish things I start? ;)

❤️ always,
Hazel

in all my spite...

... i'll turn it off

I guess I'll be coming on here pretty often at least for the time being. Work was alright today, although my computer crashed and I had to wait until it was fixed, which by then it was already 4PM, so I couldn't really do much before the work day ended. I'm just really looking forward to next week.

Is it possible to go through all five stages of grief in one day, and the next day regress and go through them again? I'm not sure if that made sense but let me try and explain. First off, let me list and elaborate on the five stages of grief for better clarity (ugh I'm such a nerd)

• Stage 1: Denial, whereby one substitutes their own preferable reality instead of the one they are confronted with in an attempt to comfort themselves.
• Stage 2: Anger, whereby the individual begins lashing out at anything and everything around them, whether related to their loss or not.
• Stage 3: Bargaining, whereby one starts to reason with a higher entity, offering anything they have in exchange of getting what they lost back.
• Stage 4: Depression, whereby the individual is constantly harbouring thoughts such as "what's the point?" "it's not worth it" along with a sharp decrease in functionality.
• Stage 5: Acceptance, whereby the individual starts believing that things will look up, and that they will get through this no matter how hard it is. 

So I went through all of these stages yesterday. By the end of yesterday, I had come to accept my loss and even told myself that "I was alright". But something strange happened this morning, and I went from being at Stage 5, acceptance, all the way back to Stage 2, anger. I was angry at the individual involved for ______________. I was angry that I couldn't depend on them anymore, and angry that I couldn't call them mine anymore. My anger slowly turned into bargaining, Stage 3, albeit slightly different, when I reasoned with myself that I could still enjoy certain parts of them, whilst ignoring the other parts that caused me pain. And I progressed on to depression, where I was constantly asking myself, "what's the point of loving so intensely and completely? It will surely end sooner rather than later", "I was absolutely nothing to them, I will always be a second choice". But right now as I'm typing this, I'm back at acceptance again. 

It's so strange. 

Maybe this is what the healing process consists of. We heal, then regress, and go through the different stages again, slightly differently each time, and heal again, and this goes on for who knows how long.  I don't know when I'll be able to stay at Stage 5 permanently, which would mean that I'm well and truly over it, but it has to happen sometime right? I just don't know when, and that's the hard part. 

All I can say now is that I feel so dirty when it comes to anything to do with _______. Seeing pictures of _______ which used to make me feel so happy and giddy now makes me feel like I'm trespassing. Appreciating the way they do each and every single thing, how they move, smile, laugh, talk, sing, dance, makes me feel like a thief, because all those actions belong to someone else now. They were never mine in the first place, I just claimed them without knowing it was already taken. I feel so disgusted with how I used to enjoy all those things about ______. I even deleted ________ on my phone because I felt so damn dirty using it, when they are someone else's. I feel like I don't have anything anymore. 

I don't know if I'll go back to the early stages of grief and loss tomorrow again, but if I do, I'll keep you posted.

A/N: On a side note, it shocks me how accurately I'm following the Küber Röss model for the five stages of loss and grief. He/she was clearly genius enough to come up with a simple formula to summarise the emotional stages of every single individual dealing with post loss and post grief, no matter how different these experiences may be/ the variation of everyone's personalities. It's truly amazing.

Oh and I saw some old acquaintances today but luckily it turned out to be a mere hi-bye situation... really thankful for that.

Things are kinda spiralling out of control here... the numerous plans I made in July feel like they are falling apart and I have no control over whether they happen or not. I hate not having control, it makes me feel weak and useless. But just as I thought this, God reminded me of a verse. 

And He said to me, "My Grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

If I feel weak because I don't have control, all the more I should rejoice in not having the control I desperately want, because when I am weak, then I am made strong by the grace of God. It's hard to fathom, even illogical, but then again, faith defies all logic. 

If you're reading this, please take a moment to pray for the people of South Korea. If you haven't heard, the MERS virus is threatening to spread within their country, and the government is doing their best to contain it. Pray that God will cast His healing over the people who are affected by it, and cover the entire nation with His protection and comfort especially in this trying time. Pray also for the medical and healthcare professionals who are currently fighting, that He will grant them with his holy strength and protect them from the illness as well. 

So now that I kinda lost my obsession, I don't really know what to do with my time... haha. I need to find a new past time asap. Anyone has any recommendations? I'm currently watching the latest PLL but I have to wait one week for the next episode and that's just too long sigh. It's Friday tomorrow but no current plans for the weekend ahead, just maybe sleeping in? 

I'll keep you posted :)

❤️ always,

Hazel

Always.

Yesssss I know it hasn't even been an hour since my last post but there's just so much to update! 3 years in two posts. I think I deserve some sort of award.

Anyway shortly after A levels, I started working as a temp in UOB in December 2014. Sounds pretty fancy huh? Nope, it's just paper work and more paper work everyday. It's insanely mundane. To make it worse, the people here aren't the best either- they're all caught up with obtaining the latest gossip and spreading it as wide as possible. I guess this job helped me realise how the office environment works- ruthlessly. But hey, it's good money.

In April I received my A level results, and was sorely disappointed to say the least. I didn't do too badly, but they were way below my expectations. Thus began the darkest days of the year, and I'm not even exaggerating. I had numerous rows with my parents, all of which worsened my relationship with them, not that it was perfect in the first place. As uni applications drew to a close, I could only pray and wait for that one phone call or email to tell me I was selected for an interview- not even acceptance yet but interview. I applied for Unisim as my last choice and got called immediately the following week, not that I was very thrilled about that. But at least it was something. A back up plan, I guess.

The whole of April passed with no news. It was during this time that I got a new obsession which I shall not name, that helped me get through the hopeless and depressing days. I used it as a crutch to lean on, as an instant happy pill to distract me from that fact that there was no news. I was so utterly dependent on it, but it never failed to get me through day after day and I guess that's all that matters right? And all my colleagues hounding me about results and uni and applications and courses did not help one bit.

But finally, finally, all due to God's grace, I was called up for an interview by NTU. I WAS SO FREAKING HAPPY. I'll never forget that feeling. To cut the story short, I attended the interview, and about one week plus later...

I GOT INTO NTU ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I know it's not a big deal compared to other courses like medicine, business or whatever. But hey, considering my UES, and the fact that it's a subject I love with all my heart: it is a pretty big deal to me.

So that was around middle of May, and the next few weeks passed uneventfully. I'm currently planning a trip to Korea with my long time neighbour, and I really hope it goes through, what with all the MERS outbreak and all, cause we've already booked tickets :( Please pray hard that it will be contained :(

Back to what made me come back here. Remember my obsession, the one that I used to get me through my waiting for uni calls phase? Yup, a few days ago I found out something about it that broke my heart. Literally, and I would say that the pain was comparable to what happened in 2010 ( you can read allllll about it in my older blog posts) even though I was only into it for about a month plus. All of a sudden I felt as if my crutch had been snatched away, and I was left standing all on my own. I couldn't find my balance and I felt lost. I had no idea what to do with my time anymore, and my heart hurt. I literally went through the five stages of grief. If you knew what my obsession was about then you'd probably accuse me of over reacting, so all the more I won't name it hahaha.

But realising my obsession's purpose made everything clearer. I used it as a source of happiness. And I guess God is fair. Now that I don't really need to get through anything (uni stuff settled and all), I don't really need that crutch anymore. So He took it away. And I guess it was about time too, since it was rapidly becoming the centre of my life, when only He should be the centre of my life. I wasn't/ am not ready to let it go yet, but I'm trying to at least reduce my dependence on it (I sound like a drug addict ugh I promise you it's not drugs). It still hurts every now and then but it's getting better. I have no idea how things will pan out because I already committed to something related to my obsession about month or so down the road, but I'll keep you posted on how things turn out. I hope I can still muster the enthusiasm to actually go to it.

If anyone's reading this and has the habit of using things or people as an emotional crutch, I want to say this: DO NOT BE ASHAMED OF IT. We all need sources of happiness and they come from different places. It's okay to let yourself be comforted by something or someone, but do be ready for the moment that it will be taken away. After all, life is unpredictable. And this may not be the best advice, but if you lose one source, look for another. Life is full of happiness, you just have to find it.

And no, I haven't found it yet. All I know is that my God will always be there for me, and He takes things away for a reason :)

❤️always,
Hazel

After all this time...?

I can't believe I'm back here again. It's been a long time, everyone. 3 years, to be exact. I was kinda reminded of my old blog by a friend who still blogs faithfully every now and then, and something kinda happened recently which made me come back here.

To my surprise, I read all my old blog posts, and as angsty as they were, I found them immensely relatable. Never mind that I have changed irrevocably as a person, but when I read my posts, everything felt right. The old me managed to describe everything the new me was going through to perfection. Kinda strange huh? I'm surprised too.

So let me talk a little bit about the past 4 years which have gone by... I guess I left off when I was in Sec 3, about to go on to Sec 4. From what I can remember, Sec 4 was a mostly uneventful year, but I'm thankful for it because I managed to find a group of close friends to get through O level year with :) The year flew by in a blur of notes, notes and more notes, and I took my O's and graduated I guess. Did a little worse than expected, but it was enough to get me to Catholic Junior College. And here comes the fun part.

There's a lot to say about my two years in CJC. I'll start at the beginning: orientation. I was put into an orientation group which wasn't very fun (no offence, I'm not fun either but whatever) but I did manage to find a clique within that group that I fit in well with. But that lasted a few mere months as a huge misunderstanding (it was kinda my fault I guess) caused them to turn on me and thus went the downhill of my life in CJ. I guess I could have recovered from that, but at that point in time I was too self absorbed in righteously defending myself that I stumbled on blindly and made things worse.

My class wasn't that great either. It was majority boys and only 6 out of 24 were girls. I became fast friends with two of them and we used to call ourselves the Queens (yes, lame I know) but looking back now, I really enjoyed my time with them, they made things better :) But I was also bullied to a certain extent (not that I'll ever admit this to anyone else) by the guys in my class. I won't repeat what they said and did to me because it's too painful, but they really made my J1 year hell. My so called friends didn't stick up for me, either leaving me to fend off their harsh comments or sometimes even laughing along at their sharp and well aimed barbs. I felt hurt, obviously, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn't ditch the friends I currently had, because then I would be alone. And at that point in time, or maybe even now still, I'm scared of being alone.

I made some pretty stupid mistakes in my J1 year. One which cost me one of my closest friends who used to be my unfailing listening ear. Another mistake which caused me so much heartbreak and self esteem issues, contributing to my anxiety and social issues now. I honestly tried so hard to please others, thinking that it would get me into their good books but it did nothing but turn me into a doormat, to be stepped all over.

So J2 year came and being the year of the dreaded As, we all bucked up. Or at least, the girls. Things went well for the first few weeks, until I realised that one of the two girls whom I was close to had been betraying me all along. I won't mention how. But, following the pact I had made for myself during the holidays, (Hang out with people who make you happy.) I proceeded to cut off all contact with her. Looking back now, I guess that was kind of over reacting? This caused my one remaining friend (I'll refer to her as B from now on) in the class to feel obliged to take sides. At first she didn't really mind, but then she grew to dislike the backstabbing friend and support me more. But every now and then she would voice out how she felt guilty about ignoring that friend and obviously I would be enraged and stop her from talking about it further. I guess she finally reached her breaking point one day and made up with the backstabbing friend, and continued to be friends with us both. At first I was angry, but after a while I realised it was unreasonable. She had the right to be friends with whoever she wanted. So I let it slide and this continued to the middle of the year (i think?)

As mid years drew near, I kinda retreated from my class. My only friend and the backstabber were always together, and since I couldn't hang out with my friend if they were together, I had no one. Thankfully I still had my CCA friends, whom to this day I still keep in contact with. I studied with them, ate with them, and even skipped class with them (please don't do this it's more trouble than it's worth). So naturally I began to drift away from them and my class. I assured myself that I wasn't secluding myself/ being secluded, I was merely choosing to take a step back from all the messy politics and focus on my studies. But of course I would still maintain friendly contact with B because I had to, if not I would truly be alone. But that left me feely immensely precarious and I longed for a stable group of friends whom I didn't need to pretend with, or put up with.

As the famous saying goes, "Things will get worse before they get better", I still remember the event in which everything went from bad to worse. It was sports day, and I resigned myself to spending it with my CCA friends not only because of my current situation, but also because I had a lot of duties to cover. My actions made B very upset, although she did not make this clear to me. I only found out at another event soon after, the Think Career Fair. Once again, I was swamped with responsibilities for this event, being the lead writer and even having to cover someone else's duties. Which meant I could not attend the talks I had previously signed up for months ago with B, but had to attend them with my CCA friends instead. Obviously she took this the wrong way, for she cut off all contact with me and immediately ganged up with the other girls against me. I tried to explain things to her but she wouldn't reply to my messages at all. At this point obviously I was more than pissed off, what with being so stressed out with all my extra duties and studies on the side. So I guess I just left it.

We were still sitting next to each other in class, but we were so painfully silent. Everything changed when she requested for a seat change one day, and I was hurt because that meant everyone in the class would know. Hell, maybe they already knew about it. It's a little fuzzy, all I can remember is that everyone took her side. I was moved next to K instead, and we kinda had this weird thing that I wouldn't exactly call a friendship. It was more like a mutual dependence on each other. But I guess I do have to be grateful to him because he was the closest thing to a friend in my class during those last few months leading up to the A's, even though he was clearly using me, I couldn't blame him because I was using him as well. I was more than a little upset at B's various tactics to portray herself as the victim, but I told myself that it was the crucial period and I wouldn't let it affect me. I had more important things to focus on.

It was a few weeks before prelims when B suddenly approached me and asked if we could talk. Being my usual self, who can't say no to anyone, I agreed and we talked for about half an hour. It was then that she finally revealed to me why she cut off all contact with me those months ago: because she felt like she was my second choice. In other words, she resented my CCA friends. Obviously I was incredulously beyond words at that point in time, and I (stupidly) apologised and admitted I was wrong, although in my head I wanted to curse and swear and yell out how wronged I was. Remember how I said she had the right to have her own friends? Well so did I, and who was she to berate me about placing her as second choice when she was the one who left me alone?

I guess I was too tired to explain myself properly. I did voice out my thoughts to her in the subsequent talks that we had, but I don't think it really worked. Eventually I said to her straight, "Prelims are next week. I don't want to deal with this now because I have already accepted what happened between us, and doing this would only dredge up all that emotional turmoil which I worked so hard to move past." And that was it. Subsequently we became little more than hi bye friends, which is totally fine with me.

Wow after that huge chunk... I can't believe that much happened in two years. And that was the heavily summarised version too, be it due to my inconsistent memory, or just because I don't want to be too long winded (I think I already failed at that). But I'm moving on to a new chapter in my life and I just want to say some things to some people.

B: I don't think I can ever forgive you for what you did to me, and how you made me feel. I may forget, but I don't think I can forgive. I'm a little sad that we ended up total strangers again but at least I got to see your true colours. But I still wish you well wherever you're heading next.

N: Your social inadequacy hasn't caused you much trouble yet, but it will in the years to come. I thought you could be trusted, only to find out that you have no idea which things need to be kept private.

C: I wasted a lot of time and tears over you. You made me doubt myself, even made me say "I'm not good enough for him" numerous times. You made me shy away from being myself for fear of being judged. And you took advantage of the fact that I craved your attention and approval to boost your own ego. And I hate you for that.

A: Thank you for being there for me when I needed it. You were never tired of hearing my problems and became my study buddy in the last few months. I will never forget how we skipped class together and got into some major trouble that we were so worried about we couldn't study. Even though we're headed different ways, I hope we'll still be in touch.

K: I only got to know you better in our last year, but you have been a great friend who's never afraid to tell it like it is. You've told me my bad points straight to my face a few times, something which I will never be able to do and I admire you for that. I'm kinda excited to start the next chapter in my life with you, and I hope we'll become closer :)

Q: Last but not least, thank you for being my crutch. I'll admit that I used you to get me through my last year and it was enough. Those short bursts of instant happiness you gave me only made me want more, and sometimes it was distracting. But most of the time it was a life saver. It's only now that I look back and realise that I was just using you all along. But it's alright. You never knew, and it was all one sided anyway.

B, T, T: Thank you for being like a group of sisters to me. Being able to go out with you all and pour my worries out made me feel so much better, and to B and T, thank you for walking this A level journey with me. To B in particular, you have always been there when I'm in need of reassurance, I'm so thankful for your never ending patience and ever lasting sunshine.

I guess I can finally close that chapter in my life as I look forward to the next one :)

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps - Proverbs 16:9

❤️ always,
Hazel