believe me.

why shouldn't i get to live life on the edge once in a while? i'm so sick of planning and scheduling and making lists and anticipating. why can't i just let them go and let things fall into place however they should? i'm so tired. i want to feel again. but no, i have to make sure everything is perfect.

it hurts to know, but not more than letting go.

screw her. just two and a half more terms. i can do this. i wish things didn't have to be this way, because some parts of this have truly been great. i love being a part of something that i don't have to work for, don't have to worry about. but unfortunately it comes with a price. and over the past few days i've realised that my thinking is absolutely, thoroughly and totally wrong. i'm not the only one, it's just that i dont know. who knows what they're hiding? it's great but sad at the same time, i wish things could be different.

sigh. i wish my mom would stop asking me. she obviously doesn't care anyway. she only cares about money, as tactless as that sounds, it's the truth.

paramore was here last night. i wanted to go, but because of physics i sadly couldn't. i trust that it was amazing and i will definitely go next time. oh well it's a long wait though. maybe not so long, but who knows?

ugh i despise ron with hermione. he's not right for her! JKR just did that so the golden trio'd be happily paired off and poor draco will be left alone. yup, we can all see how much she adores draco. on the contrary, i think that draco is just the right person for hermione. for one, he's actually the only eligible male that is on par with her intellectual level, as inferred by when his father asked him about his grades and his response which seemed to say that he was second to hermione. all i can see hermione doing in about 10 years after marrying ron is being bored out of her skull at the burrows with a brood of red haired weasleys that have hopefully inherited her intellectual ability. enough said.

so this song just came on. and i remember random words and things associated with that experience:

railings. spilt bubble tea. pathways. camp. ladders. double decker beds. white ceiling. darkness. blankets. mattress. hoodie. purple. spectacle case. earphones. not enough. everybody hurts. april. march 14th.

'everybody hurts, but it's not enough', or 'it's not enough, but everybody hurts'? you decide.

much love,
♥hazel

it gets better with time.

6 months gone and i'm still reaching even though i know you're not there.

today was quite productive. did a math, bio and lit. actually, binomial isnt that bad as i thought. bio is killer, although most of the things were from sec 2, just that i can't remember. lit is okay, i'll just manage somehow. it's unseen prose tmr anyway, how bad can it be?

okay so i don't really have much to say right now but i just want to say that when you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you can't hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. it all gets better with time.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe




♥ always,
hazel

expectations, expecting, expected.

I don't feel anything. It's alright though. i'm fine. i'm okay. everything's good.

I didn't cry in front of her. Which means that I kept my promise to myself. And that's better than I could have ever hoped. I feel so weird now. Yesterday I dreamt that she was scolding me over some mundane matter like she always does and when she left i started crying uncontrollably. my friend came over and hugged me. then i woke up and i was actually crying. and who knew, today that exact same thing happened. and it was that same friend again. is this a sign? what could this possibly mean? foreshadowing???? yeah well maybe i'll do well for lit on monday too. sigh. i'm so damn tired of all this crap.

i'm so tired now. i can't feel anything. this is so ridiculous. it's friday dammit. What is up with all my incoherent sentences???

i dont want to think anymore. i'll just cross that bridge when i come to it. now, for my punishment that i feel i deserve. yeah, right. here goes.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsiblilty is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

my responsibility is to click slides.

and no, i can honestly say i didnt make use of this useful function that we all know called copy and paste. happy now, bitch?

i'm so thankful though, to say the least. i'm very lucky to have people that care about me. i want you, yes you reading this right now, to know that i dont take them for granted. no matter what happens, no matter how badly she treats me, i know i can depend on all of you. thank you so much.

it's really great to have someone who understands. someone who's gone through the exact same thing. i'm so thankful, really. i love you.

♥ you guys forever and always,

hazel.

jump.

:) i'm not used to it, but that doesn't mean i can't learn. and honestly? if you ask me, i'm kind of happy how things are now. i don't really feel the need to change anything anymore because things just are fine the way they are.

i'm not sad because i know it was fun while it lasted, but we're really just that unlucky. they say you find out who your real friends are in sec 3 and they, whoever they are, are right. maybe it's the leadership (which i'm thoroughly sick of) that comes into play. you see how everyone pirioritises things and sometimes things don't work out. it's alright though. everyone changes.

and really, i regret not starting earlier. now we have so little time left. but it's great to have someone that actually gets it. i won't take this for granted. it's so weird sometimes how twisted this gets but i'll just accept it as it is. you make me smile :)

just breathe and everything will be fine. because really, worrying won't change anything.

"so i'll jump in this like a fearless fighter jumping off a cliff into the water. and i'll walk straight in, live it in the moment, let it move how it should, no assumptions. and i'll let go of everything my heart held captive."



♥ always,
hazel.

endurance.

today was such a sucky thursday. but then again, how many thursdays have i gone through that didn't suck?

so well... sigh. i feel like quitting. but no, i won't. i don't want to let her think she's won. because she clearly gets a power trip from that. there's only less than a year more to go before i'm done, and the thought of that is as liberating as the reaction between liquid ammonia and hydrogen. okay that was lame but i was doing chem blog before this so that pretty much explains it. so i'm going to separate my emotions from work and i won't get affected by them anymore. i'm sorry, but that's the way it works around here.

i will not let you see me break down. ever.

but i'm so glad this happened. because through this i've found out that i'm not alone. i'm not the only person who has to endure crap from officers and try to carry on after enduring their degrading remarks afterwards. honestly, sometimes i feel like throwing this responsibility back in her face and watch as she finds someone else to torture. but i won't give up. i will see this through and at the end i will look back and i'll be able to say that i got through no matter how hard it was. i was warned that it wouldn't be easy wasn't i? now that i've experienced it i know better.

alright so. *deep breath* everything will be fine. my OCD self has already made a plan. i've been obsessing over this for the whole damn day. so i guess i am delusional and obsessive. but whatever, this will save my skin, or so i hope.

i'm tireddd. we had three tests today. had NDP rehearsal till 0630. and cca to the same time tomorrow. and tuition for the whole freaking day on saturday. and no life on sunday. and NDP parade on monday. and studystudystudy for tuesday and wednesday. and doomsday on thursday. and cca on friday. when will this end? i'm so sick of not having a life.

you know, i've prepared my reaction for when things don't go well. i won't let my emotions affect me again. i'll be emotionless no matter how she puts me down or accuses me or threatens me. compartmentalising my emotions is what i do best recently. although i feel insanely tired after i let go, like the anti climax after an adrenaline rush. that's right hazel. you put all your feelings in a small cardboard box and push it into a corner of your mind. that's how you deal. alright?

it's not fair. sigh.

on the plus side... nothing he does or says really affects me anymore. i dont know. it's probably my state of mind now. which is tired with a capital T. so i'm ashamed to say that sometimes i try to dredge up a little bit of feeling because i remember how it was and maybe to remind myself that i'm still alive. but i can't. it's so scary. i want to feel something rather than nothing at all. how contradictory.

i love you. really.

<3 always,
hazel

i'll stop the whole world from turning into a monster.

"hush hush the world is quiet. hush hush we both can't fight it."

I've realized how unhappy my posts are so this will be a positive one. As positive as it can get, anyway.

TGIF! this week as been alrightish but busy. class tests, cramming for CTs, frantic revision, you get the picture. i hate how fast time passes. in the blink of an eye you'll be gone and you'll leave me behind for another year. sigh. but all good things have to end in order for even better things to happen. my story got more reviews this week, but not as much as i expected, hopefully it'll get better as i post more.

so thankful that i found my capo. i didn't realise until i lost it how many songs i couldn't play without it and i was so desperate that i used a pencil and rubber band but then that failed since my pencil broke D: youtube lies to me. and yes, my acoustic's strings are that awesome.

i found this new awesome youtuber that covers GL songs and so i learnt what the hell off her :) if i have time this coming week or next i'm planning to learn smile(if it doesn't prove too difficult), stop standing there, push, complete me and maybe some others. now that i have my capo back i feel i can play any song :D gahhh it irritates me that i can't play not enough. the intro is freaking hard but that's my favourite part of my favourite song :'( damnnnn why does evan like stringed intros/bridges so much? but they take the song to a whole other level though.

why am i letting him affect me so much all of a sudden? ridiculous. i'm ridiculous.

"well you thought of straight big solutions. but i like the tension and not always knowing the answers."

i hope everything turns out okay.

♥ always,
hazel

the story of me and you.

i've probably already used this title before but who cares.

you wanna move on, we're righting the wrong, it's never been easy. we're not giving up, it's gonna be tough, but baby believe me.

this relationship has gone askew. it feels so messed up and so damaged that i don't think we can ever recover anymore. sometimes i ask myself how this all began and i honestly cannot remember. maybe it's been building up for a while, just waiting for the chance to break down. i miss how we were before. i really want to fix everything but it's so hard. it's so much easier to just let this be. i wish i had this switch that i could control and just turn off all my emotions.

even though i claim to be a writer sometimes i just can't find the words to express myself anymore but he does it so perfectly so i'm gonna let him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWjCz6mUVuQ

♥ always,
hazel.

numb

so well, I'm tired of being reliable. why don't i try being unreliable sometime and see how you guys cope? it's time to learn some independence, kids. otherwise, i wash my hands of you. you can do what you like from now on, how does that sound? i really would, if not for someone who convinced me not to. For now i'll just let them take care of it. just for now. I know i shouldn't be doing this to her but i can't handle it, really.



I wonder if she had the same thing happen to her? maybe i'm just too weak and not much of a leader to begin with so that's why she has to step in. honestly, at this point i dont care anymore because it's just too tiring to pick up after them. maybe i should be less emotionally attached and compartmentalise my emotions from my work. never mind if they hate me (which they already do) but at least i wont be disappointed. that sounds like a good strategy right?



but i'm grateful, to say the least. everytime i think we've reached the end of our rope she goes on and surprises me more. so maybe this is the good thing about not expecting anything, let people surprise you instead. much less baggage to carry around too. so to you, who's reading this right now, go on. surprise me, make my day.





well maybe i should let go but it's not my fault that i have such amazing seniors right?

♥ always,
hazel

here we go again.

It's really funny how things work sometimes.

Let's start with the very beginning of this horrible day. First of all, it's Thursday and that alone isn't good news. I don't really want to talk about it anymore so let's just say that asdfghjkl happened. (ugh by the way i keep wanting to plug in my laptop but i realise at the same time that my charger is all the way across the room and i don't wanna go get it. but hey, that's what batteries are for right?) alright so... all i can say is that i have no more respect for you. Maybe I did in the beginning, a small scrap of it but now that's gone too.

I was really pleased when they all showed up on time today. So it was really unusual but PTL for that :) when everything was over... i wasn't just disappointed by what she said to us, or even what she did. it was what she overlooked. the girls doing it today made a huge load of effort, and i should know. they showed up early on tuesday when they could've slept in, showed up on time today when they could've been late. can't you freaking acknowledge that? i mean, i was once like you too, but after a while i've come to realise that you can't expect too much of them, or else you'll be the one that's disappointed. why don't you take a walk in my shoes for a second, see how it's like for me to be balancing things on both ends? and please. don't think you know everything, because you really don't. praising Him is a matter of whether we want to or not, and it doesn't have to be perfect. because it's the thought that counts.

And believe it or not, even if i'm in exco: i'm still human, and i make mistakes. It's not fair how just because you're sleeping your lazy ass in and don't see the effort we put in then you automatically assume that we didn't put in any effort at all. I don't know, maybe it's from years of expecting too much from these girls that you always come to expect the worst. I don't think that last sentence made any sense so let's move on.

Alright so... it's the 14TH OF JULY! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 is out today! and i'm watching on sunday :) although i think it won't go well with ben, maybe we should try to cover and say we're watching monte carlo instead?

Speaking of the 14th... can you remember what happened 4 months ago? today i was awake and replaying the events in my head when i realised it doesn't hurt so much anymore. so imagine my confundedness when i saw what happened on facebook just an hour ago. they're over? are they over for good? did they even start? the most important question is: do i want them to be over? but... two weeks ago they were perfectly fine. why does she have to do this to him? it's not fair. it's not fair when she makes him wait and then says that they can't do this anymore. it's so confusing on about a hundred different levels.

by the way, during the course of typing this, i've decided that i won't cover up for their mistakes anymore. they need to learn a lesson. and where can i find a better person to do that than our dearest lovely ______? she will certainly put them in their place because that's what she does best, isn't it? and i've been on duty nearly everyday since school started. i think it's only fair that i not be there until it's my duty for real. and i'm not going to show up on tuesdays either. they don't practice? their fault. you want to make sure they do? sure, be my guest, but i'm not going to be the one sacrificing my sleep for them when you clearly don't appreciate it. it's about freaking time you showed us how much of a leader you really are by stepping up and leading us instead of throwing it all to me. screw this.



mmm. his lovely eyes. i could die happy in those beautiful gray eyes ♥

♥always,
hazel

what am i doing?

waiiiiiiiiit it's been such a long time since i was here so i might need a moment or so.

okay. it's funny how much things can change in a few short weeks and i would have never seen it coming. Mm well i don't know if you've heard but change isn't exactly my best friend. The thing is i can't stand how fake you all were being when you talked to me and i think we all knew what exactly was going on.

oh hey hazel, what's up??

Well, what's up is your lying ass. Plural. Singular. It means the same thing so yeah. Ugh I never ever thought in a million years thought you'd do this. And you expect me to act normal? Yeah, well, we'll see how freaking normal I can act.

And I can't stand how you all ignore her like she's that piece of filthy pond scum you can't risk touching or else you'll turn into things like that. What right do you, of all people, get to judge? I have to admit before this I'd never thought I'd ever write this paragraph but back then I thought this would never happen so we're fair. At least she doesn't pretend like you.

All three of you talked to me before that so it's not a question of whose fault it is. I love seeing people lie when I know the truth. Yup. What could you do? You could have done wayyy more than what you did. Which was playing innocent and invite me to something so I'd never suspect. Well... I'm not that stupid.

but tom has too much thermal energy for his own good. ♥ seriously, google him and you'll get a heart attack ;)

♥always,
hazel