I can't believe I'm back here again. It's been a long time, everyone. 3 years, to be exact. I was kinda reminded of my old blog by a friend who still blogs faithfully every now and then, and something kinda happened recently which made me come back here.
To my surprise, I read all my old blog posts, and as angsty as they were, I found them immensely relatable. Never mind that I have changed irrevocably as a person, but when I read my posts, everything felt right. The old me managed to describe everything the new me was going through to perfection. Kinda strange huh? I'm surprised too.
So let me talk a little bit about the past 4 years which have gone by... I guess I left off when I was in Sec 3, about to go on to Sec 4. From what I can remember, Sec 4 was a mostly uneventful year, but I'm thankful for it because I managed to find a group of close friends to get through O level year with :) The year flew by in a blur of notes, notes and more notes, and I took my O's and graduated I guess. Did a little worse than expected, but it was enough to get me to Catholic Junior College. And here comes the fun part.
There's a lot to say about my two years in CJC. I'll start at the beginning: orientation. I was put into an orientation group which wasn't very fun (no offence, I'm not fun either but whatever) but I did manage to find a clique within that group that I fit in well with. But that lasted a few mere months as a huge misunderstanding (it was kinda my fault I guess) caused them to turn on me and thus went the downhill of my life in CJ. I guess I could have recovered from that, but at that point in time I was too self absorbed in righteously defending myself that I stumbled on blindly and made things worse.
My class wasn't that great either. It was majority boys and only 6 out of 24 were girls. I became fast friends with two of them and we used to call ourselves the Queens (yes, lame I know) but looking back now, I really enjoyed my time with them, they made things better :) But I was also bullied to a certain extent (not that I'll ever admit this to anyone else) by the guys in my class. I won't repeat what they said and did to me because it's too painful, but they really made my J1 year hell. My so called friends didn't stick up for me, either leaving me to fend off their harsh comments or sometimes even laughing along at their sharp and well aimed barbs. I felt hurt, obviously, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn't ditch the friends I currently had, because then I would be alone. And at that point in time, or maybe even now still, I'm scared of being alone.
I made some pretty stupid mistakes in my J1 year. One which cost me one of my closest friends who used to be my unfailing listening ear. Another mistake which caused me so much heartbreak and self esteem issues, contributing to my anxiety and social issues now. I honestly tried so hard to please others, thinking that it would get me into their good books but it did nothing but turn me into a doormat, to be stepped all over.
So J2 year came and being the year of the dreaded As, we all bucked up. Or at least, the girls. Things went well for the first few weeks, until I realised that one of the two girls whom I was close to had been betraying me all along. I won't mention how. But, following the pact I had made for myself during the holidays, (Hang out with people who make you happy.) I proceeded to cut off all contact with her. Looking back now, I guess that was kind of over reacting? This caused my one remaining friend (I'll refer to her as B from now on) in the class to feel obliged to take sides. At first she didn't really mind, but then she grew to dislike the backstabbing friend and support me more. But every now and then she would voice out how she felt guilty about ignoring that friend and obviously I would be enraged and stop her from talking about it further. I guess she finally reached her breaking point one day and made up with the backstabbing friend, and continued to be friends with us both. At first I was angry, but after a while I realised it was unreasonable. She had the right to be friends with whoever she wanted. So I let it slide and this continued to the middle of the year (i think?)
As mid years drew near, I kinda retreated from my class. My only friend and the backstabber were always together, and since I couldn't hang out with my friend if they were together, I had no one. Thankfully I still had my CCA friends, whom to this day I still keep in contact with. I studied with them, ate with them, and even skipped class with them (please don't do this it's more trouble than it's worth). So naturally I began to drift away from them and my class. I assured myself that I wasn't secluding myself/ being secluded, I was merely choosing to take a step back from all the messy politics and focus on my studies. But of course I would still maintain friendly contact with B because I had to, if not I would truly be alone. But that left me feely immensely precarious and I longed for a stable group of friends whom I didn't need to pretend with, or put up with.
As the famous saying goes, "Things will get worse before they get better", I still remember the event in which everything went from bad to worse. It was sports day, and I resigned myself to spending it with my CCA friends not only because of my current situation, but also because I had a lot of duties to cover. My actions made B very upset, although she did not make this clear to me. I only found out at another event soon after, the Think Career Fair. Once again, I was swamped with responsibilities for this event, being the lead writer and even having to cover someone else's duties. Which meant I could not attend the talks I had previously signed up for months ago with B, but had to attend them with my CCA friends instead. Obviously she took this the wrong way, for she cut off all contact with me and immediately ganged up with the other girls against me. I tried to explain things to her but she wouldn't reply to my messages at all. At this point obviously I was more than pissed off, what with being so stressed out with all my extra duties and studies on the side. So I guess I just left it.
We were still sitting next to each other in class, but we were so painfully silent. Everything changed when she requested for a seat change one day, and I was hurt because that meant everyone in the class would know. Hell, maybe they already knew about it. It's a little fuzzy, all I can remember is that everyone took her side. I was moved next to K instead, and we kinda had this weird thing that I wouldn't exactly call a friendship. It was more like a mutual dependence on each other. But I guess I do have to be grateful to him because he was the closest thing to a friend in my class during those last few months leading up to the A's, even though he was clearly using me, I couldn't blame him because I was using him as well. I was more than a little upset at B's various tactics to portray herself as the victim, but I told myself that it was the crucial period and I wouldn't let it affect me. I had more important things to focus on.
It was a few weeks before prelims when B suddenly approached me and asked if we could talk. Being my usual self, who can't say no to anyone, I agreed and we talked for about half an hour. It was then that she finally revealed to me why she cut off all contact with me those months ago: because she felt like she was my second choice. In other words, she resented my CCA friends. Obviously I was incredulously beyond words at that point in time, and I (stupidly) apologised and admitted I was wrong, although in my head I wanted to curse and swear and yell out how wronged I was. Remember how I said she had the right to have her own friends? Well so did I, and who was she to berate me about placing her as second choice when she was the one who left me alone?
I guess I was too tired to explain myself properly. I did voice out my thoughts to her in the subsequent talks that we had, but I don't think it really worked. Eventually I said to her straight, "Prelims are next week. I don't want to deal with this now because I have already accepted what happened between us, and doing this would only dredge up all that emotional turmoil which I worked so hard to move past." And that was it. Subsequently we became little more than hi bye friends, which is totally fine with me.
Wow after that huge chunk... I can't believe that much happened in two years. And that was the heavily summarised version too, be it due to my inconsistent memory, or just because I don't want to be too long winded (I think I already failed at that). But I'm moving on to a new chapter in my life and I just want to say some things to some people.
B: I don't think I can ever forgive you for what you did to me, and how you made me feel. I may forget, but I don't think I can forgive. I'm a little sad that we ended up total strangers again but at least I got to see your true colours. But I still wish you well wherever you're heading next.
N: Your social inadequacy hasn't caused you much trouble yet, but it will in the years to come. I thought you could be trusted, only to find out that you have no idea which things need to be kept private.
C: I wasted a lot of time and tears over you. You made me doubt myself, even made me say "I'm not good enough for him" numerous times. You made me shy away from being myself for fear of being judged. And you took advantage of the fact that I craved your attention and approval to boost your own ego. And I hate you for that.
A: Thank you for being there for me when I needed it. You were never tired of hearing my problems and became my study buddy in the last few months. I will never forget how we skipped class together and got into some
major trouble that we were so worried about we couldn't study. Even though we're headed different ways, I hope we'll still be in touch.
K: I only got to know you better in our last year, but you have been a great friend who's never afraid to tell it like it is. You've told me my bad points straight to my face a few times, something which I will never be able to do and I admire you for that. I'm kinda excited to start the next chapter in my life with you, and I hope we'll become closer :)
Q: Last but not least, thank you for being my crutch. I'll admit that I used you to get me through my last year and it was enough. Those short bursts of instant happiness you gave me only made me want more, and sometimes it was distracting. But most of the time it was a life saver. It's only now that I look back and realise that I was just using you all along. But it's alright. You never knew, and it was all one sided anyway.
B, T, T: Thank you for being like a group of sisters to me. Being able to go out with you all and pour my worries out made me feel so much better, and to B and T, thank you for walking this A level journey with me. To B in particular, you have always been there when I'm in need of reassurance, I'm so thankful for your never ending patience and ever lasting sunshine.
I guess I can finally close that chapter in my life as I look forward to the next one :)
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps - Proverbs 16:9
❤️ always,
Hazel
