aha i'm terribly behind on my music thing but i promise i have at least 5 days stored up in my drafts! and i'll post it... one day hehe. hopefully before next year! ;P
I didn't really do much for christmas this year, just went to church-which i was horribly late for :( and then went to some christmas party before going home and slacking all the way. it feels good to not do anything LOL. I watched DH2!(again) awwwwwh yay my loveeee draco was as dashing as ever ;)haha i can memorise all his lines! which add up to like 7 so yeah :(
okok i forgot what i wanted to blog about earlier this morning! on a different note, i feel so bad that i didnt complete my music challenge thing. argh i think i was supposed to finish like on the 10ish of december or something.
oh yes i remember now. i remember this horrible feeling i had yesterday. or like early this morning. i dont think the worst feeling in the world is not getting what you wish for but it's not even knowing what you want. it's like you definitely want something but you just dont know what it is. and the worst thing is that it's not even a 'have zero idea' of what you want, it's when you have something in mind but don't know if you want it or not.
but then i woke up this morning and realised that that thing that i wanted didn't really matter to me anymore. there are more important things than that. we could stay as friends or become something more, the possibility of that doesn't bother me anymore and that's when you know you're truly over it but at the same time open to whatever is going to happen.
if someone else had written this and i'd stumbled across it, i'd be itching to ask them how it happened. but really, i can't say, it's just something that just happens. for me it's sort of an overnight thing. but it's hard to say since this only happened once. it took me a superrr long time to get over that and even now i'm not sure if i'm okay yet.
ughhh i want to like cry now because everything is so messed up. yes okay i like you, you're a nice person and all but i don't feel that way! it's just not the same, i don't know how to describe it. whyyyy ugh :( what should i do? :( you're the wrong person that i want to do that.
okay i realise that i'm being very angsty this christmas!! i'm sorry lovelies here's something to cheer you up!
helloooooooooo long time no see! haha i apologise yet AGAIN for being so late! it's just the next few days' topics are a little meh so i put off blogging :x
Day 17 - A song that you want to play at your funeral
Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
i really couldn't find any other song to fit this day :( but this is such a lovely song and even though i haven't thought as far as my funeral yet, i know this is the song i'd want them to play. it's a sad song, but i think it's perfect. and the only reason why i put the live version instead of the studio one is that this performance is so much better and it gives me shivers. she's truly so talented.
Day 20 - A song you've listened to after a break-up
If This Was A Movie by Taylor Swift
i remember i felt so awful after that, even though it wasn't a breakup per se. this technically wasn't the song that i put on replay after that horrible day, the song being Everybody Hurts. But seeing as i've already put that song down... yeah. ugh haha now that i listen to it, it's quite a pathetic song to listen to after a breakup. but it hurt so much. you wouldn't even know. it varies, sometimes it's a dull ache and others it's a sharp pain that hits so fast that it left/leaves me breathless. the immediate days after that were the worst, i'm just glad i got through safely.
Firstly, this song is so touching! i remember the first time i heard it it was the acoustic version and it was because of a dramione manip that had some of the words on it. then i went to look for the music video and when i watched it for the first time, i almost cried. i love the first verse so much. "you said move on where do i go? i guess second best is all i will know." that line makes me tear up ♥ and the bridge paired with the music and the video is definitely a tearjerker. love it so much, this proves that Katy can write songs that are deeper than 'california girls, we'll melt your popsicle' or whatever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- finally! haha but i guess it is my fault for not blogging for a few days. i may or may not have counted the days wrongly, but whatever, what counts is that i do everything right?
so well on tuesday i found out three things that made me think a lot today. i can't exactly say them on here but i'll just let you guys know that it's regarding CCA matters. i really don't know how to take it, although the first one changes nothing about what position i'm in now *HINT* and the rest dont affect anything. haha. but ugh. now i know why it's so weird with us. i was never wanted to be in there in the first place. now that i think about it, they actually had it perfectly planned, until me and her came in to ruin their whole plan. they actually wanted her to be what i am.
and now i'm more confused than ever. so what's your opinion of her? i thought you kind of hated her but now i find out that you actually wanted her to take your place? that's the second thing. the third thing... well it doesn't really matter anymore, since it's over.
i can't believe i've been so slow and stupid all this while, thinking that everything fell perfectly into place when it's not like that at all. actually i've had some hints, just that i chose to take them lightly.
hello my lovlies, i'm so sorry that i forgot to blog yesterday! i promise my posts will be long today to make up for it :)
Day 15- A song that you listen to when you're sad
Evan Way by Evan Taubenfeld
I love the piano in this, but my favourite element is the acoustic guitar in the first verse. i dont know why, i just have a HUGE thing for songs where the acoustic guitar is almost the main instrument. It gives the song a very emotional feel and that's probably why I listen to it when I'm sad. It almost always makes me cry if I'm sad enough haha. It's good for when I'm having those 'I-feel-like-crying-but-I-can't' days so yeah. The lyrics are amazing too, and do I even have to say that Evan + Avril= ♥? Yep haha. And the lyrics say that "this will be the last today, ever" and it is, so just seize the day and don't let it go to waste :) and Evan also said that this song is a very emotional one for him too, since it's about what happened to his family over a car crash. it makes me feel a little better to know that there's someone out there who feels the same way.
Day 16- A song that you want to be played at your wedding
Innocence by Avril Lavigne
This is one of my all time favourite song from her. It's so beautiful and the lyrics are the best in this album. I think it'd be perfect to dance to at my wedding a longggg time from now, the lyrics are perfect and I love them so much. haha i dont really know how to explain why i want this song played at my wedding, but just listen to the lyrics and you'll know why. i love the chorus: 'this innocence is brilliant, i hope that it will stay. this moment is perfect, please dont go away. i need you now.' and the bridge is amazing too: 'it's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming, it's the happiness inside that you're feeling. it's so beautiful that it makes you wanna cry.' do you get why i think it's perfect now? ;) and i love her voice here, it's so pretty and 'singer song writerish', as she once said haha.
okayyy i'm done. i hope i can remember to blog tomorrow! goodnight :)
well i dont really have a song that i listen to when i'm happy... i just shuffle all my songs haha. i guess maybe Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato always puts me in a good mood. I love the chorus, it's so fast paced and the drum beat is addictive. hahahaha oh and i love her voice so much, Demi is so talented ♥
short post today, i promise a longer one tomorrow!! keep safe! :)
This actually kind of depends if i'm sad-angry or like angry-angry... did that make sense? if i'm angry-angry i usually listen to something from Paramore, Ignorance probably, since they have a lot of songs that i can relate to so yeah. If i'm sad-angry then... When It All Falls Apart by the Veronicas. Such an appropriate song for my mood, and it's really great too :)
looks like i've been overdue a lot lately! sorry about that, it's just been so hectic around here, not to mention some annoying family matters. but everything's sort of under control now. don't worry, i haven't abandoned my 31 days of music!
Day 7- A song that you can dance to
What the Hell by Avril Lavigne
alriiiiiiiight i think half of the songs i blog about will probably be from her but i can't help it! hahaha i'll try my best to not let the next few be from her though, but it's not my fault she's so amazing right? ;) This song is just so addictive and catchy that everytime i hear it i want to get up and dance. or more like jump about, but that's about the same thing in our time right? and her voice is awesome. i love her choruses, she does it so effortlessly that it always leaves me breathless everytime, and that's not because i was jumping :P
i admit that i can't fall asleep with music on, especially if it's from a singer that i like. i'll just concentrate too much and end up having to stop it in order to sleep. but this song is pretty slow and the melody is beautiful. i dont get sleepy everytime i hear it, it's just easier to fall asleep to as compared to other songs. no offence, coldplay. this is an amazing song, i really love the lyrics. and his voice is so good, i think he can go higher than i can >.>
I don't really listen to many bands and if i do, they're probably just a few songs, same with this one. But i really like this song, and I like more songs from Paramore than from any other band. Their signature opening riff really pulls me in and their lyrics are pretty cool too. and hayley's voice is one of the best i've ever heard. I particularly love the line ' and now i've got a feeling that if i sang this loud enough, you would sing it back to me.'
Day 10- A song that no one would expect you to love
Get Back by Demi Lovato
Demi is so amazing, i've only just started listening to her like a few months back. Earlier on i thought i'd never ever like a disney singer but i'm totally wrong, she's nothing like selena gomez or whatever. The reason why i chose this song for this day is because the whole song sounds so jonas brotherish, if you listen to the riffs in between the chorus and verse you'll know what i'm talking about. and jonas brothers--> DISNEY. sorry, i dont have anything against disney singers, but miley cyrus and selena gomez just ruined the image of them :( but overall, this is such a great song because it's so upbeat even though the lyrics are slightly wistful and i think demi's voice is amazing, just listen to the bridge. AMAZING. listening to it makes my throat hurt even more haha.
I know this is kind of a weird song to choose that describes me but it really does, and i dont really know how to explain it either haha. I guess i'm the type of person that needs spark and excitement in life and i cant and wont settle for mundaneness or whatever. i need a person that can be wild and crazy, frustrating, intoxicating, complicated and still amazing all at the same time. maybe it doesnt make sense, and that's okay since i'm not really sure how to describe it as well. but listen to this song and it explains all :)
hahaha oh dear i'm sorry again! but Goodbye Lullaby wins as my favourite album hands down. i only had difficulty deciding which song to put on here... it was a close fight between Everybody Hurts and Wish You Were Here. I chose this song because I listened to it some eight months ago during that period of time and it helped me get through in one piece. i can't believe she wrote this song a long time ago, because it really feels as though it was written for me, even though i know it's not. it's such a beautiful song, and if the studio version doesn't convince you, go listen to the acoustic ones she did with Evan, those are even more amazing. i can relate to every word of the song and the guitar is pretty catchy too for an acoustic song :)
and only because it's so much better than the studio version:
I know they say not to blog when angry or agitated or whatever... but ugh. I can't stand how unreasonable you're being. I hate you so much, i'm so glad that i'll be away for the next few days so i wont have to face you. but i made a promise to myself that i wont let any of my projects suffer because of your stupid male chavaunistic personality. too bad. sorry, you're not getting to me.
Alright now that that's out of the way...
DAY 6- a song that reminds you of a certain event
Bad Reputation by Joan Jett (covered by Avril Lavigne)
The intro of this song reminds me of rushing to to front row of Avril's May 9th concert. It was super chaotic, with people getting knocked over, drinks spilled, barriers overturned... but i still managed to get somewhere near the front though! it was the most amazing night of my life, i'll never forget it :)
oh yeah, i just realised how addicted i am to music just now. my laptop was throwing tantrums and refused to connect to the internet... so i was literally shaking with the need to open youtube and play a song LOL. terribleee! but music is one addiction i have no intention of dropping anytime soon so yeah <3
okay my lovelies, i'm gonna go sleep soon. i hope everything will be better tomorrow, because i really need it to.
Unfortunately over the last few days i wasn't able to get internet connection so i couldn't blog :( Alright so i'm gonna make up for the past few days right now. here goes.
Day 02 - A song that makes you happy Day 03 - A song that makes you sad Day 04 - A song that reminds you of someone Day 05 - A song that reminds you of somewhere ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 2- A song that makes you happy
Fifteen by Taylor Swift
This song is about a year old, give or take. I don't really know why it makes me happy, but maybe it's because it reminds me of everything that happened this year, good or bad. Being 15 was one of the hardest things in my life so far and to be able to listen to this song and look back on all the experiences that I had makes me happy, i guess. and it helps that i have some fond memories of this song too :)
Although this song makes me sad... i love it so much! The piano is so beautiful, sometimes it makes me wish i could play. I think it's quite obvious why it makes me sad. Even though you're perfect, you're leaving soon, and i dont think i can find someone quite like you. you're so unique and different and i love how i can never predict your responses accurately. i'm not saying i like unpredictability, but maybe i need more people like you in my life. but everytime i get close to people like you, it never lasts so maybe i'll keep my distance so that you'll stay.
Well... that one was expected wasn't it? It was my first connection to you and honestly, i dont think i'll forget this so easily. it doesn't help that there are so many repeated lines in this song that gives me time to think about you. That being said, the harmonies here are beautiful :)
LOL this is embarrassing... but M2M was pretty much my childhood when i was younger. I used to listen to this song when i was with my dad in the car waiting for my mom to finish teaching at her tuition centre. i'd play this song non stop, and at that time i didnt know what the lyrics meant, i just liked the song in general. and their voices are pretty high too, maybe that was what appealed to me. haha so this song reminds me of that place where we waited for her, some carpark i think. i can even visualize it right now. i think that had to be when i was like 6ish or something. goes to show that songs are amazing memory tools, go use it for your next test ;)
alright kids that's all for today... more tomorrow! stay tuned!
okay i know the last time i tried this i failed terribly, but this time i will finish this. MUST. alright here's what i have to do:
Day 01 – A favorite song Day 02 - A song that makes you happy Day 03 - A song that makes you sad Day 04 - A song that reminds you of someone Day 05 - A song that reminds you of somewhere Day 06 - A song that reminds you of a certain event Day 07 - A song that you can dance to Day 08 - A song that makes you fall asleep Day 09 - A song from your favorite band Day 10 - A song that no one would expect you to love Day 11 - A song that describes you Day 12 - A song from your favorite album Day 13 - A song that you listen to when you're angry Day 14 - A song that you listen to when you're happy Day 15 - A song that you listen to when you're sad Day 16 - A song that you want to play at your wedding Day 17 - A song that you want to play at your funeral Day 18 - A song that makes you laugh Day 19 - A song that turns you on Day 20 - A song you've listened to after a break-up Day 21 - A song that gives you shivers Day 22 - A song you can't help but air-jam to Day 23 - A song you often get stuck in your head Day 24 - A song you like to work out to Day 25 - A song you're embarrassed to admit liking Day 26 - A song you like that is the only one you have by that band Day 27 - A song you got because you overheard it and all you could remember was one line Day 28 - A song that you don't like but inexplicably keep anyway Day 29 - A song that you've heard a million times but still don't know all the words Day 30 - A song you could sing right now despite not having listened to it in a long time Day 31 - A song you think everyone should hear ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here goes for day 1!
my favourite song of all time is Not Enough by Avril Lavigne. It's such an amazing song because it's so beautiful. i love the last part where she belts it out, and overall the harmionies are done so well that they give the song a really desperate sound. I love the intro, Evan really did a great job on this ♥ It's totally relatable too, just Avril working her magic again ♥
alright i'm done with day 1, if i get internet connection over the next few days then yeah :)
Ahhhhh you make me smile.. I don't even know why but for some strange reason it does.
It's been more than a month since i've been here.. i sincerely apologise! Alright so... some things have remained status quo, others have improved and others have worsened. School ended last week, but the sec 3s have intensives for a week to prepare for sec 4, but we're left with a day so yay :)
I can't believe my sec 3 year is over. It's been a really tough journey every step of the way and I'm half glad it's over. I'd say sec 3 is the hardest and most stressful year even though i havent been through sec 4 yet. From the start of the year with the sec 1 orientation camp in January, asdfghjkl in March, enrolment in March/April, handover in April, Avril concert in May! ♥OCIP in June, NDP parade in August, EOYs in September/October, with November and December still to come.. it's been a long ride and I'm so thankful to everyone who's been with me the whole way, supporting me and being there for me, i couldnt have done it without you.
alright i guess i'm getting a little teary while going through all those memories this past year. i may have missed out some stuff but oh well that's all that's at the top of my head.
I really hope we get through, i dont want to lose you. i miss you so much.
oops, halloween's over, guess i'd better change my background? anyway, coming plans for the holidays: malaysia to visit the grandparents from 6th to 9th Nov, sec 2 TC from 11th to 13th Nov, NCO/exco retreat on the 23/24/25 Nov, covers with rad somewhere in Dec, DS date somewhere in Dec too, malaysia again from the 9th to 12th Dec, church camp from 16th to 19th Dec... and then it's almost christmas!!
"where'd you go? i miss you so. seems like it's been forever that you've been gone.
i hate it when i cant describe how i feel. i'm supposed, allegedly, to be a writer.
halloween is coming soon! not that i celebrate it, but i just thought i'd get in the mood a little. i like my blog backgrounds to be a little scrapbookish, it's like having a scrapbook without actually having to go through all the trouble of making it. not to mention saving $$$. YAY.
i realise that english teachers can be uncreative sometimes, favouring instead to stick to the so called norm and be safe so much so that they have really rigid boundaries for what you can and cannot do for essays. it irritates me. and seriously, she's supposed to be a lit teacher and she doesn't even understand some symbolism? all of a sudden, i'm worried for my lit grade. or maybe she wasn't trying hard enough, which isn't fair because i put a whole lot of effort into that essay, and she picks someone else's just because it was typed? really.
well, i can't describe this feeling but i'm not fighting it. i finally identified the reason why i love talking to you and that's because you're so damn unpredictable. and that's a good thing. you were the first person ever to make me see things differently and the only one who dared to tell me things straight up. so thank you.
i dont keep my promises, so maybe next time i shouldn't make them at all. ugh this feeling is not even that much to be considered heartache but then again it isn't exactly nothing either. it's just this weird feeling that won't go away. but it's not unfamiliar.
I'm sorry, I miscounted last time haha. I know maybe I shouldn't be so overly obsessive but that's how I am. I wish all of this could just go away and not leave a mark in it's wake, and I'll be as perfectly new as before.
But then again, i dont wish it never happened. what about: everything is as it is now, just that i'm perfectly fine and unaffected?
If you ask me how i'm doing, i'd say i'm doing just fine, i'd lie and say you're not on my mind.
why shouldn't i get to live life on the edge once in a while? i'm so sick of planning and scheduling and making lists and anticipating. why can't i just let them go and let things fall into place however they should? i'm so tired. i want to feel again. but no, i have to make sure everything is perfect.
it hurts to know, but not more than letting go.
screw her. just two and a half more terms. i can do this. i wish things didn't have to be this way, because some parts of this have truly been great. i love being a part of something that i don't have to work for, don't have to worry about. but unfortunately it comes with a price. and over the past few days i've realised that my thinking is absolutely, thoroughly and totally wrong. i'm not the only one, it's just that i dont know. who knows what they're hiding? it's great but sad at the same time, i wish things could be different.
sigh. i wish my mom would stop asking me. she obviously doesn't care anyway. she only cares about money, as tactless as that sounds, it's the truth.
paramore was here last night. i wanted to go, but because of physics i sadly couldn't. i trust that it was amazing and i will definitely go next time. oh well it's a long wait though. maybe not so long, but who knows?
ugh i despise ron with hermione. he's not right for her! JKR just did that so the golden trio'd be happily paired off and poor draco will be left alone. yup, we can all see how much she adores draco. on the contrary, i think that draco is just the right person for hermione. for one, he's actually the only eligible male that is on par with her intellectual level, as inferred by when his father asked him about his grades and his response which seemed to say that he was second to hermione. all i can see hermione doing in about 10 years after marrying ron is being bored out of her skull at the burrows with a brood of red haired weasleys that have hopefully inherited her intellectual ability. enough said.
so this song just came on. and i remember random words and things associated with that experience:
railings. spilt bubble tea. pathways. camp. ladders. double decker beds. white ceiling. darkness. blankets. mattress. hoodie. purple. spectacle case. earphones. not enough. everybody hurts. april. march 14th.
'everybody hurts, but it's not enough', or 'it's not enough, but everybody hurts'? you decide.
6 months gone and i'm still reaching even though i know you're not there.
today was quite productive. did a math, bio and lit. actually, binomial isnt that bad as i thought. bio is killer, although most of the things were from sec 2, just that i can't remember. lit is okay, i'll just manage somehow. it's unseen prose tmr anyway, how bad can it be?
okay so i don't really have much to say right now but i just want to say that when you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you can't hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. it all gets better with time.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe
I didn't cry in front of her. Which means that I kept my promise to myself. And that's better than I could have ever hoped. I feel so weird now. Yesterday I dreamt that she was scolding me over some mundane matter like she always does and when she left i started crying uncontrollably. my friend came over and hugged me. then i woke up and i was actually crying. and who knew, today that exact same thing happened. and it was that same friend again. is this a sign? what could this possibly mean? foreshadowing???? yeah well maybe i'll do well for lit on monday too. sigh. i'm so damn tired of all this crap.
i'm so tired now. i can't feel anything. this is so ridiculous. it's friday dammit. What is up with all my incoherent sentences???
i dont want to think anymore. i'll just cross that bridge when i come to it. now, for my punishment that i feel i deserve. yeah, right. here goes.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsiblilty is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
my responsibility is to click slides.
and no, i can honestly say i didnt make use of this useful function that we all know called copy and paste. happy now, bitch?
i'm so thankful though, to say the least. i'm very lucky to have people that care about me. i want you, yes you reading this right now, to know that i dont take them for granted. no matter what happens, no matter how badly she treats me, i know i can depend on all of you. thank you so much.
it's really great to have someone who understands. someone who's gone through the exact same thing. i'm so thankful, really. i love you.
:) i'm not used to it, but that doesn't mean i can't learn. and honestly? if you ask me, i'm kind of happy how things are now. i don't really feel the need to change anything anymore because things just are fine the way they are.
i'm not sad because i know it was fun while it lasted, but we're really just that unlucky. they say you find out who your real friends are in sec 3 and they, whoever they are, are right. maybe it's the leadership (which i'm thoroughly sick of) that comes into play. you see how everyone pirioritises things and sometimes things don't work out. it's alright though. everyone changes.
and really, i regret not starting earlier. now we have so little time left. but it's great to have someone that actually gets it. i won't take this for granted. it's so weird sometimes how twisted this gets but i'll just accept it as it is. you make me smile :)
just breathe and everything will be fine. because really, worrying won't change anything.
"so i'll jump in this like a fearless fighter jumping off a cliff into the water. and i'll walk straight in, live it in the moment, let it move how it should, no assumptions. and i'll let go of everything my heart held captive."
today was such a sucky thursday. but then again, how many thursdays have i gone through that didn't suck?
so well... sigh. i feel like quitting. but no, i won't. i don't want to let her think she's won. because she clearly gets a power trip from that. there's only less than a year more to go before i'm done, and the thought of that is as liberating as the reaction between liquid ammonia and hydrogen. okay that was lame but i was doing chem blog before this so that pretty much explains it. so i'm going to separate my emotions from work and i won't get affected by them anymore. i'm sorry, but that's the way it works around here.
i will not let you see me break down. ever.
but i'm so glad this happened. because through this i've found out that i'm not alone. i'm not the only person who has to endure crap from officers and try to carry on after enduring their degrading remarks afterwards. honestly, sometimes i feel like throwing this responsibility back in her face and watch as she finds someone else to torture. but i won't give up. i will see this through and at the end i will look back and i'll be able to say that i got through no matter how hard it was. i was warned that it wouldn't be easy wasn't i? now that i've experienced it i know better.
alright so. *deep breath* everything will be fine. my OCD self has already made a plan. i've been obsessing over this for the whole damn day. so i guess i am delusional and obsessive. but whatever, this will save my skin, or so i hope.
i'm tireddd. we had three tests today. had NDP rehearsal till 0630. and cca to the same time tomorrow. and tuition for the whole freaking day on saturday. and no life on sunday. and NDP parade on monday. and studystudystudy for tuesday and wednesday. and doomsday on thursday. and cca on friday. when will this end? i'm so sick of not having a life.
you know, i've prepared my reaction for when things don't go well. i won't let my emotions affect me again. i'll be emotionless no matter how she puts me down or accuses me or threatens me. compartmentalising my emotions is what i do best recently. although i feel insanely tired after i let go, like the anti climax after an adrenaline rush. that's right hazel. you put all your feelings in a small cardboard box and push it into a corner of your mind. that's how you deal. alright?
it's not fair. sigh.
on the plus side... nothing he does or says really affects me anymore. i dont know. it's probably my state of mind now. which is tired with a capital T. so i'm ashamed to say that sometimes i try to dredge up a little bit of feeling because i remember how it was and maybe to remind myself that i'm still alive. but i can't. it's so scary. i want to feel something rather than nothing at all. how contradictory.
"hush hush the world is quiet. hush hush we both can't fight it."
I've realized how unhappy my posts are so this will be a positive one. As positive as it can get, anyway.
TGIF! this week as been alrightish but busy. class tests, cramming for CTs, frantic revision, you get the picture. i hate how fast time passes. in the blink of an eye you'll be gone and you'll leave me behind for another year. sigh. but all good things have to end in order for even better things to happen. my story got more reviews this week, but not as much as i expected, hopefully it'll get better as i post more.
so thankful that i found my capo. i didn't realise until i lost it how many songs i couldn't play without it and i was so desperate that i used a pencil and rubber band but then that failed since my pencil broke D: youtube lies to me. and yes, my acoustic's strings are that awesome.
i found this new awesome youtuber that covers GL songs and so i learnt what the hell off her :) if i have time this coming week or next i'm planning to learn smile(if it doesn't prove too difficult), stop standing there, push, complete me and maybe some others. now that i have my capo back i feel i can play any song :D gahhh it irritates me that i can't play not enough. the intro is freaking hard but that's my favourite part of my favourite song :'( damnnnn why does evan like stringed intros/bridges so much? but they take the song to a whole other level though.
why am i letting him affect me so much all of a sudden? ridiculous. i'm ridiculous.
"well you thought of straight big solutions. but i like the tension and not always knowing the answers."
i've probably already used this title before but who cares.
you wanna move on, we're righting the wrong, it's never been easy. we're not giving up, it's gonna be tough, but baby believe me.
this relationship has gone askew. it feels so messed up and so damaged that i don't think we can ever recover anymore. sometimes i ask myself how this all began and i honestly cannot remember. maybe it's been building up for a while, just waiting for the chance to break down. i miss how we were before. i really want to fix everything but it's so hard. it's so much easier to just let this be. i wish i had this switch that i could control and just turn off all my emotions.
even though i claim to be a writer sometimes i just can't find the words to express myself anymore but he does it so perfectly so i'm gonna let him.
so well, I'm tired of being reliable. why don't i try being unreliable sometime and see how you guys cope? it's time to learn some independence, kids. otherwise, i wash my hands of you. you can do what you like from now on, how does that sound? i really would, if not for someone who convinced me not to. For now i'll just let them take care of it. just for now. I know i shouldn't be doing this to her but i can't handle it, really.
I wonder if she had the same thing happen to her? maybe i'm just too weak and not much of a leader to begin with so that's why she has to step in. honestly, at this point i dont care anymore because it's just too tiring to pick up after them. maybe i should be less emotionally attached and compartmentalise my emotions from my work. never mind if they hate me (which they already do) but at least i wont be disappointed. that sounds like a good strategy right?
but i'm grateful, to say the least. everytime i think we've reached the end of our rope she goes on and surprises me more. so maybe this is the good thing about not expecting anything, let people surprise you instead. much less baggage to carry around too. so to you, who's reading this right now, go on. surprise me, make my day.
well maybe i should let go but it's not my fault that i have such amazing seniors right?
Let's start with the very beginning of this horrible day. First of all, it's Thursday and that alone isn't good news. I don't really want to talk about it anymore so let's just say that asdfghjkl happened. (ugh by the way i keep wanting to plug in my laptop but i realise at the same time that my charger is all the way across the room and i don't wanna go get it. but hey, that's what batteries are for right?) alright so... all i can say is that i have no more respect for you. Maybe I did in the beginning, a small scrap of it but now that's gone too.
I was really pleased when they all showed up on time today. So it was really unusual but PTL for that :) when everything was over... i wasn't just disappointed by what she said to us, or even what she did. it was what she overlooked. the girls doing it today made a huge load of effort, and i should know. they showed up early on tuesday when they could've slept in, showed up on time today when they could've been late. can't you freaking acknowledge that? i mean, i was once like you too, but after a while i've come to realise that you can't expect too much of them, or else you'll be the one that's disappointed. why don't you take a walk in my shoes for a second, see how it's like for me to be balancing things on both ends? and please. don't think you know everything, because you really don't. praising Him is a matter of whether we want to or not, and it doesn't have to be perfect. because it's the thought that counts.
And believe it or not, even if i'm in exco: i'm still human, and i make mistakes. It's not fair how just because you're sleeping your lazy ass in and don't see the effort we put in then you automatically assume that we didn't put in any effort at all. I don't know, maybe it's from years of expecting too much from these girls that you always come to expect the worst. I don't think that last sentence made any sense so let's move on.
Alright so... it's the 14TH OF JULY! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 is out today! and i'm watching on sunday :) although i think it won't go well with ben, maybe we should try to cover and say we're watching monte carlo instead?
Speaking of the 14th... can you remember what happened 4 months ago? today i was awake and replaying the events in my head when i realised it doesn't hurt so much anymore. so imagine my confundedness when i saw what happened on facebook just an hour ago. they're over? are they over for good? did they even start? the most important question is: do i want them to be over? but... two weeks ago they were perfectly fine. why does she have to do this to him? it's not fair. it's not fair when she makes him wait and then says that they can't do this anymore. it's so confusing on about a hundred different levels.
by the way, during the course of typing this, i've decided that i won't cover up for their mistakes anymore. they need to learn a lesson. and where can i find a better person to do that than our dearest lovely ______? she will certainly put them in their place because that's what she does best, isn't it? and i've been on duty nearly everyday since school started. i think it's only fair that i not be there until it's my duty for real. and i'm not going to show up on tuesdays either. they don't practice? their fault. you want to make sure they do? sure, be my guest, but i'm not going to be the one sacrificing my sleep for them when you clearly don't appreciate it. it's about freaking time you showed us how much of a leader you really are by stepping up and leading us instead of throwing it all to me. screw this.
mmm. his lovely eyes. i could die happy in those beautiful gray eyes ♥
waiiiiiiiiit it's been such a long time since i was here so i might need a moment or so.
okay. it's funny how much things can change in a few short weeks and i would have never seen it coming. Mm well i don't know if you've heard but change isn't exactly my best friend. The thing is i can't stand how fake you all were being when you talked to me and i think we all knew what exactly was going on.
oh hey hazel, what's up??
Well, what's up is your lying ass. Plural. Singular. It means the same thing so yeah. Ugh I never ever thought in a million years thought you'd do this. And you expect me to act normal? Yeah, well, we'll see how freaking normal I can act.
And I can't stand how you all ignore her like she's that piece of filthy pond scum you can't risk touching or else you'll turn into things like that. What right do you, of all people, get to judge? I have to admit before this I'd never thought I'd ever write this paragraph but back then I thought this would never happen so we're fair. At least she doesn't pretend like you.
All three of you talked to me before that so it's not a question of whose fault it is. I love seeing people lie when I know the truth. Yup. What could you do? You could have done wayyy more than what you did. Which was playing innocent and invite me to something so I'd never suspect. Well... I'm not that stupid.
but tom has too much thermal energy for his own good. ♥ seriously, google him and you'll get a heart attack ;)
shut up. you don't know what it was like. we can only go so far, but i won't let you judge me. unless you've been in my shoes. and have walked a mile in them. and only when you're a mile away and have my shoes. have you been there, done that? if not, just keep it down. it's ridiculous? yeah. i'm ridiculous sometimes. deal with it.
i'm not even gonna bother replying. i'll probably regret it later but right now i dont care. you don't know how hard it is. i hope you know you went too far. but if no one's there to tell you, how would you know?
did you really think that would help? please. if you dont have anything nice to say, don't say it.
whatever. i tried to not let myself commit too much but obviously i dont listen to instructions. not even when they come from myself. fine. i have trust issues. so what? everyone has some issues of sort. don't judge me. if you are, see above.
it feels like two months ago.
but i'll just ✖‿✖ .
♥ always, hazel.
Monday, May 23, 2011
good point. why is it that you have wayyy more logic than i do?
having a fresh perspective on things really makes it a lot easier because for this one she actually knows him personally, shares my mutual 'hate' for him, although i can't decide if i love or hate him, but still, and is amazing to talk to. thanks :)
i know i'm being unfair, but i deserve to right? it's been 68 days. no improvement. i guess it was over zealous of me to expect to recover from 2 years in 2 months. forget you. for now. it's freaking damn hard to let go and sometimes i dont want to. why should i? just because you like someone else(plural)? but then again, you were never mine to start with, so letting go should be easier than it seems. if only.
OCIP is in a little more than a week!!!!!!!!!!! ♪ haha i'm so excited although i have a million things that i have to do before, which does not include packing btw. i really really hope it goes well. my group is doing the bulk of the projects and only 3 people in the so called group are actually working so yeah. thanks a lot. i hope all the past 2-1 people can bunk together, it's gonna be so much fun :)
Avoid with a capital A. and what did that give me? she asked me that and i was at a loss for words. i can't exactly say closure, because i know that up to now i still dont have it. some time to heal i guess? but i know that time is not enough. i need something else, but i dont know what it is and i dont think anyone can tell me either. like she said, it's my choice. i wish it didnt have to be. can someone help me run my life now?
it's so hard to let go.
this coming week is short. four days and i'm looking forward to thursday. i hope we'll be able to get all the OCIP preparations done in time though.
"it's not enough, it's not enough, to get me what it is i want. and i wish it was. i think it's time to give this up."
and he said, "i'll spear your heart for breakfast."
our exchanges are limited, but when they happen, they're totally worth it.
So... i'm not really sure what happened last weekend but I'll try my best to untangle my thoughts. Let's start on Saturday. I was so caught up with celebrating Complicated's 9th year anniversary that I totally forgot something else that happened on that day exactly two months ago. another way in which Avril wins. :) So saturday passed uneventfully and i only realised about it the next day, and of course i had to go to church. melanie came with me and to cut a long story short, it was terrible. i dont ever wanna go back there again because i dont want to get hurt anymore. even melanie told me to get out of that place and i'm starting to think i should too. but where to?
I don't want to see his stupid jerkface ever again. he's such a three timer. in chinese they have that saying where both of your legs straddle two boats, but in this case he seems to have three legs. i hope he's an ugly octopus by the end of his life. jerkkk. he ruined my whole day but then later i just forgot about it, because such a lame, proud and stupid guy like him doesn't deserve my attention.
The good point out of my whole Sunday was that i went to get contacts and i managed to get them on in about 5ish mins. yayyyy :) so then after that i rushed home and tried to do homework, but i was too distracted by our mutual hate for a certain boy, even though hers was totally non BGRish but still, it's something right?
And so now i'm starting to see why she(totally someone else that i hate/hated) wanted to wait, and i totally think she's making the right choice, but it'd be better if she didnt like him at all. no one should like such a jerk. he even tries to limit my vocabulary, but i admit i haven't had much experience in describing such people.
Okay we're over with that. Today I got back bio and missed my A by 0.2 marks, but oh well. what can i do. Avril, it's all your fault. JKJK i never regretted seeing her.
i really really dont want to bring it up anymore. because the last time i did so you got totally angry at me, as if it's my fault that you're ignoring us, as if i have to pay for a mistake that you made. and i just want to tell you that it's not her fault. it's YOURS. all completely YOURS. so stop telling her what mistake YOU made, because what part of your mistake that she made, she's already made up for it. you? you're all words, no action. you said you'd change. heck, i don't even remember that. you just got so angry and guilt tripped me into forgiving you.
whatever. i feel like punching both of you in the face. maybe you should just get together, one jerk, and one hypocrite. makes a good match, no?
Avril was so fan-freaking-tabulous i feel like jumping off a building.
That was my calm sentence. now for my uncontrolled sentence. AHHHHHHHHHHHH NCSDFHEUWE I CANT BELIEVE I SAW HER TODAY SHE'S SO AMAZING AND AWESOME AND PRETTY AND TALENTED AND SHE LOVES US AND WE LOVE HER AND YAY.
Okay. Okay. So she was on time today! Can't believe it. It started with Bad Reputation video intro and then she went into Black Star. She was holding one of those green star light up things, so ahmazingggg. Then after she went into What The Hell, then Sk8r Boi, then He Wasn't, I Always Get What I Want, and then she went to change :D
When she came out again the whole stage was totally covered in fog and then she did Alice! After the song she was like " haha i'm glad that's over, i couldn't see anything, could you?" So adorableeee! ♥ Then a short break and Jim and Steve did a mashup of Unwanted, and Freak Out guitar solos. they were so talented hahaha.
Thennn someone, couldn't see his face played WYG and Avril sat on the piano to sing for us :D And then she proceeded to play Stop Standing There on piano. After that she sang I Love You, Wish You Were Here and she covered Airplanes by B.o.B plus My Happy Ending. I loveddd her guitars, one was the checkered black and white one, the other was the pink one :D
After that was Don't Tell Me, and I'm With You, and last(sort of) COMPLICATEDDDD. she didn't even sing half of that song, we sang it for her :D then she said goodnight and went backstage. and some girls pushed their way out to go and wait for her at the exits.
BUT WAIT! The crowd started yelling 'encore' and after like 5 mins she came back out!!! I think that was planned but yeah. Then she did an acapella version of WTH where we sang/yelled with her. After that was the wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hyped up Girlfriend and that was, truly the last song :(
I got a shirt today. it looks official even though it's not, and it was only $13!! Compared to the prices there. 50 freaking bucks for a shirt. talk about overpriced. but i got a glowstick though! and that was kind of reasonable.
so you know how when a day has the potential to be a really sucky one and then someone comes along and makes it AWESOME? yeah. I'm happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :D
Alright so... today was our first day without the sec 4s and it was... meh. I didn't realise that in all our vespers the sec 4s have been saying the theme verse so when it came to today we had to do it so many times and it was awkward. devo comm was... sleepy. sighhhh. I was actually shocked when ms rachel lee told me that devo comm used to be totally alive and everyone used to love it. I mean, i love devo comm and everything but it's kinda hard to be enthusiastic when everyone else is like >.> i need gerry and dom back. and all the other sec 4s back at enrolment. sighhh. ._.
But that point aside, platoon time was okayish, maybe enjoyable :) then i got my new service badge and blah blah. I'm hyperrr right now teehee. not good when you're about to sleep! whoo hoo i'm submitting my commonwealth essay!!! even though it may be more trouble than it's worth but still!!! count the number of exclamation marks in this past para and you'll know i'm hyper beyond redemption.
"It's become a topic that we don't talk about, one that we just kick under the carpet, ignoring the lump it forms."
WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS, BLOGGER. Mmkay. First week being exco. Not much happened, although it doesn't really seem like the title belongs to me yet. Maybe it's because I haven't really done much. And so she gave me a thick binded file which she said clearly to "leave in a corner to rot". I couldn't stand the condition of it so I got out my binder sticker things & fixed it. Okay so that's one thing done. And after that we had a meeting with Ms Ho and then we discussed all the typical things. ugh we have to plan for sec 2 training camp!! & be there physically -.- I thought planning the sec 1 camp would be my first and last time planning a camp but obviously not. & oh wait!! i just realised we'll have OCIP! oh well ;D
And so... Ms Ho asked me if I was okay with my role. What else could I say right...? So I gave her the answer she wanted. And then something else happened that really was like de ja vu. Or however that goes. I can't describe it exactly too much in detail at risk of either of them coming on here and reading this but yeah.
It never occurred to me that even though she's a pretty happy go lucky person, she's quite sensitive too. It was like she read my mind in that instant and shot back her reply that matched mine in my head that I was never gonna tell her. So now she knows, kinda. And she's close to him. And the thing is, I'd been imagining that moment so many times but when it really happened I didn't respond the way I'd imagined myself to. sigh. my expression must have given away something but now she knows the truth. But the strange thing was, I wasn't exactly sure of the reason until she said it, then it all came into perspective and I realised it was true.
But she won't tell.
At least, I hope. I want to know why he did that though. So now he decides that he cares after totally blowing me off. Too late, i'm sorry babe. I know the truth now, and even though it didn't come from you, it came from a pretty reliable source though. Stop being such a freaking jerk and caring about two girls at the same time. &FYI, one of my best friends hasn't even met you yet and she hates you. i do too.
that's quite enough of that. that's one major thing. I'm too tired to talk about the rest, but just take my word for it that this week was pretty rough. still have my exco speech to do tomorrow, i hope it's inspirational enough :/
my worst nightmare came true. That's the scary thing. Nightmares are managable because even though it's scary for that one moment when you're teteering off the edge of death and not quite able to die, you still wake up in the end safe and sound, be it in cold sweat or screaming. At least nothing's changed. And most people forget their nightmares in the morning so what's the big deal, really? I wish I didn't have to. It seemed so surreal the time that they announced it and to be really honest, over the past few days I kind of expected it. But I never really thought it would happen, just something that was distant and had no chance of ever touching reality. I admit that I knew from the start of this year that i'd be devo head but it's like I never realised the full extent of it until today. when it's all too late. I don't have a choice right? I hope I can do this right. I hate doing things halfway. I have to do them the best I can but i'm afraid i can't. if you see this, just if you can, please pray for me. i think i really need it. i'm so scared. but i'm gonna be strong and know that one year from now, I will look back on this post and smile at how scared I was so that I can do my best to reassure the next devo head of 12/13 that it's all gonna be okay. gerry, if you see this, i wanna thank you so so so so much for giving me so much encouragement. you're the best ever, and this is a very sincere thank you coming from me. I will always appreciate everything that you've done for me, thank you so much. you rock, gerry, the best pinist in the world. On a different note. As of yesterday, it's been a month. In all my full (in)sanity, I want to thank you for making that change in my life even though I hate changes. I still miss you sometimes, but it's getting easier to deal with. My eyes hurt. They're probably red. I can't change anything now. but i know he will help me through this and he knows what i can and cannot do.
Okay so I realised that I can't get over something if I talk about it everyday so it's gonna be limited to once a week now, then gradually monthly. If we even get to that. In one word... today was fun. I never expected enrolment service to be fun but this was the first year it was enjoyable. Last year I was just sleeping in service haha. At least today the guest of honour didn't take like half an hour to come like last time so we didn't have to stand long. And then... SERVICE. the most dreaded/anticipated part. I messed up because i couldn't hear myself/the pianist/the singers/the other guitarist with the lousy sound system over in the hall. But most people are kinda tone deaf and don't really notice if musicians mess up so :) It was okay though because my guitar couldn't really be heard anyway. & i can't stand it when someone asks me/us to transpose everything because it's too high or slow down when the song is originally at that pace. obviously they don't know what it's like to be a musician. When it was time for the message we escaped backstage and for the first time it seemed like she was only on there sharing for like 5 minutes before it was time to go back onstage to play the next few songs. i would totally do today all over again even though it means full u. i'm scared of the day the sec 4s have to leave, because then we'll be the ones taking over. Ugh. and i'll miss the sec 4s so much :( some of them are really nice. it'll be so lonely around gb without them. and i'll have to get farewell gifts for them, which always makes me sad. i need to write out a list of sec 4s i need to buy stuff for which is not very short haha. i seem to have a problem with letting go of things/people.
First things first... i'm so tired, i'm gonna turn in soon. But not before i finish this. My words have cut you so deep? Please. How can that ever compare to making us feel so inferior and leaving us out all the time? You treat us like we're not even there anymore, and if you say you really and truly care about us...well... THEN SHOW IT. have you ever heard of the phrase 'actions speak louder than words'?
Here we go again. You're making it all about you again. NEWSFLASH. the whole world doesn't revolve around you. I'm kind enough to tell you the truth, and then you twist it about in a load of words and say things you haven't been doing. And make it about you and how you fail as a friend. It's not about you alright?
When have you ever even given a damn about how she feels? No, you haven't, ever. You just assume everything is alright and just go off with your best friend and encourage her to isolate us too and make things worse than they are. And think about this: if it hurts you so bad, how much more is it hurting us? I can't think up a single instance recently you've been listening. If I hadn't told you you'd still be clueless.
All of them are just a load of lies, I don't believe you anymore. You're not doing anything and honestly, fuck you.
i won't waste my words on you.
Someone i thought was kinda mean is actually pretty nice so yay for that :) i'm too tired for colour combi's so something must be wrong with me.
ehmycuteeee. Although you can see the nail line on the middle finger. But otherwise... so cute. I'm gonna try to do that one of these days... which will be a long time from now haha. i'm sore from being pushed into the pool 4965247 times. It was worth it though. Can't wait for the next one, even though this wasn't the best.
I usually avoid listening to that band since sometime ago because they remind me of him. Too bad, because their songs are really nice. And now two of them have left and I really liked one of them, who just coincidentally shares his name. Today I gave in and listened to some of them and they kind of made me smile. Which is not supposed to happen, considering the fact that I'm supposed to swear him off till end of the year. Which is, in turn, not working.
I'll give up on writing for now, but it's day 21. It's been three weeks and I can't say i'm progressing. I shall just spam with nail art pics :)
What the hell just happened? I allowed myself to test you one last time just for old times sake and whaaat? I'm really confused now and in the midst of my confusion I realised something: I'd like to hear it from you personally and not from a third party who doesn't fully understand the terms of our (non)relationship.
If I dare, that is. But the thing is, this doesn't change anything. right? what makes me think things have changed simply because I have gained the insight of someone else over the course of this month? You're still the same old clueless boy, who means no harm. yeah. right. you're absolutely harmless. Somehow I still smile but we're venturing into uncharted waters and I don't want to go there. This won't change anything. I'm still not ever going back to that ever again. I can't pretend that I don't know anymore.
DHFSDFSC UGH. It bugs me like hell.
I had the most fun in a while at April's party today even though no one i was really close to came, I still lived to tell the tale. loosening up was a success :) I had to leave early though but it's okay. It was fun while it lasted. At least I got to know some other people.
"Take it as he's testing you, rather than you're testing him." So... one of my close friends told me that and yeah. What is considered passing and failing? What is he testing me on? Who knows. Who cares. It probably means nothing anyway. like most things we have. Day 20. 20% haha.
"i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly. though it's not easy to tell you goodbye. i gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a chance, and breakaway."
Day 18 sucks. I just realised I lost two of the most influential people in my life recently, and it sucks. One walked out on her own, and the other one was never there in the first place. Either way I can't bring them back ever again, and I'm not ever going back.
I didn't blog for 2 days. Sorry! I was just super busy. I just finished my commonwealth essay and I'm like 450 over the limit, but who cares. It's better to have extra than to cut and make it abrupt and awkward right? And who ever heard of novels/stories having word limits? Authors don't have to work with word limits, I don't see the need for them. They make my life difficult :(Okay. I haven't designed the retard cupcake shirt yet. But that can wait, it's not even April yet. haha procrastination at it's best. It's about 1 AM now but sleep can wait. That's what I think at night, but in the morning it's a whole different story.
but the truth, is that i really miss.
I think I'm gonna call it a day. No wait, more like morning.
This is officially my 60th post! yayyy. It's been a long way from back where I started and things have changed considerably. I want to thank you if you're reading this and have been with me from the start, thank you for putting up with my bi-polarness. Alternatively, you can always click that red cross button on the top right if you ever get sick of it, and for mac users, the red dot on the top left hand corner. Please don't, though? :) Stay a while :)
Tomorrow is... killer. Physics, Biology, Chemistry. All in a row, all in a day. Kill me now. At least physics is okay because the teacher makes stuff fun. Bio is just irritating. Chem is... everlasting. haha. And i realised I can do log! Just that I don't want to most of the time. Alpha beta is bettaaa. get it? hahaha.
hey baby, i think i wanna marry you.
So I think I said yes. Maybe I'll succeed in loosening up and be the usual hyper crazy that I am when I'm in school with the usual people. If only, but i'll try my best, i promise. The fact that someone won't be there helps a lot. LOOOOOOOSEN UP, HAZEL.
i think i wanna marry you!
That song is catchy. I don't like Bruno Mars but it's an exception. I'm proud to say I've never listened to Just the Way You Are in it's entirety before. I think it's so cliche and overplayed on the radio. Cheesyyy. haha. Anyway, it;s day 15, what can i say? 25%ish. We'll see :)
Okay so I didn't blog yesterday. Or maybe I did. Just not here. I think I deproved to like 20%. Is it something to do with what day it is today? No, it's not FRIDAYFRIDAYFRIDAY. I realised how not worth it it is and from now on I will never never never never be that excited again. What for when other people don't take it seriously? & I have worked it out. I need a safety net if I ever decide that I will try again because i'm too afraid of free falling like I did today. But that's a big if. Once people have a certain perception of you it's hard to break free from it and assume another one. It takes time, but the former seems like it happens in the blink of an eye. People get caught stealing once and get labelled a thief. Even this person who has sworn not to judge me has already labelled me. I don't like changes but this is one change I feel like I have to make by the end of this year. I don't know if I'll make it or how I'm going to do it. Let's face it, I'm not made for this. Yi Hui's birthday is coming up soon and I'm thinking of getting a shirt done for all four of us, it'll be pretty cool if it gets done in a few weeks. I love colour combinations but it sucks when you're only allowed 2 colours. How am I gonna colour the cupcake? haha. Justin Bieber tix? so what, i'll be getting Avril tix in a week. Take that :) Day 14. Should I make an exception? ♥always,hazel.
Kind of. We got 2 1sts and 2 2nds. But still. Amazing times ten. Not much happened after that, lunched out at nex again with r, without her. I don't know what happened to her, but I didn't feel like asking and I don't think I really need or want to know. 3 people is kind of a big squeeze, yeah? 2 is okay, 4 is just right but 3 is just not okay. Middle is not always best. I didn't manage to get tickets today :( it might be postponed due to the situation in Japan. :( i hope it's still on. I think they're starting sales next weekish so we'll see if it's true. In the meantime; we have to waittt. LEE.whoohoo :) i'm so tired i think i could fall asleep typing this. Should I reply? I haven't really thought of how I'm going to ditch. Does that mean I'm going to ditch? So. Guilty. I can't just stop talking to them right? It's so hard to suddenly break off contact especially when one of them is actually nice. But the thing is, they're not the type that will socialise. I'm not saying that I am, just that I think I'd be more likely to than them. Ughhh how am I going to do this? I can't manage two different extremes in one day at the same time. I want to be with them but at the same time I can't do that if I'm sticking in my safety zone. And I think it's way beyond time i step out, but do I just leave them there? And will I ever be able to step back in whenever I want to? Answer key with detailed solutions, please. Preferably not torn out of the book. 12. 28%. I think it's pretty lame but whatever.
..to BLACK STAR TOUR BLACK STAR TOUR BLACK STAR TOUR. I'm getting my tickets tomorrow!!! I hope it's like free standing. Or not. But I can't believe she's coming here, the third stop in her Asia tour. And it's not late like last time was, more than a year after TBDT came out. Now it's more like almost 3 months later. At the risk of sounding totally obsessed... i already memorized most of GL lyrics by heart and learnt how to play 3 of them. More coming soon :) Tomorrow is sports day!!LEEis gonna totally ROCK. like whoa. Okay this week is almost over, just one more day. And i think I can survive tomorrow right? Even if she is coming along. I knew I never should have talked about it in front of her, what the hell was I thinking?? Ugh. Okay never mind I won't think about that anymore.I love talking pokemon with Xiao Hui. She's helping me play and since she has tons of patience... haha. Day 11. Niceeee progress? Although today I just realised something. I'll never be able to face her in a normal way ever again without having weird thoughts popping into my head. Same for him. But I knew that right? Right. I think I'm about 24%? It's this that keeps me sane I guess.
Again, I'm kind of surprised. I never expected our contact to last beyond camp but it did. The reason? Because i'm kind of known as a loser, I guess? Ugh. I can't help but wonder if you have any other motives for this. I've never really done this kind of thing before and because of what happened last time it's clear that i have trust issues with new people. I'll have to work through that but I cannot believe you considered me. Not at all. I guess I'll just wait and see. Tix are going on sale on FRIDAY, friday, gotta get 'em on friday. hahahaha. Okay but yeah melanie's going with me! and a bunch of other bandaiders! I'm gonna tell everyone I meet that Avril's coming on the 9th of may. spread the news! :) It's been so long since I last booked tix for a concert, way back in 2008, i can't even remember how it goes anymore. I wish I went for the BONEZ tour back in '05. but I would've been like 9 years old haha. That's about all I guess. We have sports day on friday so we end earlyish. No school, yayy. And we have e learning next friday so no school either yayy. haha. Avril's been rocking the pink and green streaks lately. It looks cool on her :)
best day since term reopened. 1: Avril is coming to Singapore!!!! i'm so excited ahhhhhhh. 9th may. Will be the best night eveeeeeeeeeeeer. Even though it's on a weekday. BUT there's no way I'm missing it. even though the next day is a math CT. I remember going in 2008 on sunday when there were prelims on monday. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hahaha. One Seven Five kachinggggggggggggggg. :( but :)))) haha.
okay i forgot 2! 2: ________________________________. Lol, sorry! But it's too amazing to share. So cute though. OKAY I cannot concentrate on writing this. I can't do blogs and chat and freaking out all at the same time. But still. I'm going to try my best to keep writing this.
Okayyyyyy so. We had all three sciences today. If they were SPA it wouldn't be so bad but they were all theory! >.> Almost died. But I got through it!
It will take me so much longer to type this because I'm being distracted by a super sweet guy. But still, no. I'm not going there. never, ever ever.
oh who am i kidding?
Just myself, apparently. But at least I have someone who thinks almost the same way. 2 people, to be exact. Okay okay let's get this over with. Day 9 if i'm not wrong. 20% done. I'm not going to lose sanity over that stupid boy. Enough said.
Okay, so um... I'm surprised. Very surprised but yeah. I don't know how to react and I think that's just lame. It's just a text right? From an ordinary person? yeah, right. I can't explain but so much is on this text and what I reply. Probably like whether I get a new identity or remain as 'one of those three'. Something along those lines. I hate it when he lumps me in with them. I. cannot. stand. it. Really. At least someone else sees it too and she says it's painful to watch. I agree, and it's not even her. Ugh. What should I do? I know what I have to do but I don't have the heart or courage to do it. Ditch, or not to ditch? Well, at least there's another reason to skip for a while. But who else is there besides 'months'? Okay, maybe one other girl but I totally don't have to reach out, yet right? Forget that. I have other things to deal with. Like the physics quiz tomorrow. I am entirely screwed. I don't undestand anything other than F=mA and sometimes I can't even apply that ughhhhh. I am so messed up in physics. I'm starting to wish i never took physics but it's either that or history. & we all know how i suck at history. Okay soooooo. I can proudly say that I came out of this experience with something learnt. Okay. I'm gonna represent it in a inequality type thing form. What the hell? Yeah. Here goes: 15< x < 18. Did you get that? LOLOL. So for all of those none math folks(although that is no excuse because this is e math not a math) i'll write it out in english. I have learnt that: no guys the same age as me. Adding on to my previous rule of no guys younger or 3 years older either. Criteria? No, it's not criteria, it's just basically guidelines i made in order to not get.. how do you say it.. ouched. Lack of a better word, but yeah. with that i'll say i'm up to 15% today. whoohoo! :)
I'm Hazel and I'm currently 19 this year :) I recently started up my blog again because I needed an outlet to just be myself and say things without having to wonder if I'm being judged. I love to read and write just about anything, and I'm an ambivert by nature. If you got here somehow, I hope that what I write is relatable to you, or at least gives you some emotional validation. Please do stay a while and get to know me! (through my blog at least haha)
this is epic.
